ohmygoshistalk Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 (edited) I have had good relationships that turn out bad in the end, with usually bad breakups. The ones who I still talk to are not even half of the percentage I dated. I also don't hook up with just anyone as I like LTR's. Anyway getting to the point I realize now that my friends and my ex's were right, I am a psycho bitch. I didn't want to ever admit it before because I believed that I had reasons, good ones, and they were just looking for excuses. In relationships I am very much the anxious one, I worry needlessly and I fight about stuff that I feel cant be resolved. Sometimes my issues can't be resolved at all. I am mostly always jealous. I would like to contribute right now I am a female Aries 25-30 years old. I am not that insecure really, I take care of myself. My jealousy is due to "being number 1". I want to be the apple of my partner's eye, always his first choice ...I am very loving though and very lenient my partners can have their video games and go out w/ his friends time. I get very jealous though and I can't seem to get over it. Over the past couple of months I have been talking to my close friend who I admire VERY VERY MUCH. I am very supportive to this guy, I would do anything (yes, name it) to make him happy. We are far apart right now so thigns are kind of hazy. We'renot in arelationship either. But I have been spending a huge bulk of my time talking to him and him with me, I am happy feeling needed and very honored (I suppose this is normal since I admire him a lot). Hes a very intelligent guy and probably the smartest guy I have met. He has not had any experience and we are both very sexual with each other kidn of like fire and fire burning each other in a good way. What I really hate tho is the hoes on his facebook wall,he said he doesnt want to hurt them and stuff. I know i don even have the right to be jealous anyway. One day he didnt reply or IM me all day and I completely freaked out on him that following night. It was horrible. It was the first time I nagged him, I dont ever nag him due to his stressful work and it will be counter productive to my being 110% being supportive.. I was completely ashamed and apologetic. I said sorry on email , i called him and no answer, sent him offline msgs and I sent him skype offline messages. Yeah that was one horrible mistake I have never done in my life. I am ashamed I called him a liar and stuff. I didnt even dare to look at my email cause i was scared if he didnt respond. So i spent the last 10 days in misery. I have been sort of stalking him too cause I missed him so much. The love feeling is still with me though. I cried sometimes, I talked to myself, I ate chocolate and waffles (thigns that I avoid usually cause of too much sugar), slacked off at work ( I didnt go to work), I avoided my boss, I wrote long blogs, poetry, I even went to the beach and bury my feet in the sand. I contemplated quitting work. I wanted to cut my long hair. I exerted so much effort in treadmill that I felt very nauseated afterwards. I spent about 5 hrs reading metafilter and 2 hours reading loveshack's silent treatment posts. Then just a few hours ago I saw that he did email me, he said everything was all right and I shouldn't worry about it. It is kind of too late-ish since I havent spoken to him in about a week or so, I dont know if he is ok without me and I honor his request for space. I will always be there if he looks for me my feelings havent change and will not change. I read about myself and discovered things about myself. First this is how I mostly feel about him Unconditional Love versus Sexual Desire — Zen Moments I found out I am an anxious person in relationships: How much love do you need? Knowing your 'attachment type' could be the key to making relationships last | Mail Online I found out that I can cure myself or alleviate my psychoness by reading this book: Amazon.com: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (9780380810338): David D. Burns: Books The book has a lot of topics about how to not overthink things, how to not have a mental filter and don't focus on the negatives only. As you can see I am trying hard to learn from what happened because it lessens my pain just a little bit, that I let him down. Please don't get me wrong, I am not desperate for a relationship. I just love him very much and unconditionally. I want him to be happy. I was not even THAT hurt because my heart believed he wouldnt hurt me on purpose. Like as if my heart knew him (it doesn't happen w/ other guys in the past). I just admire him very much thats why it is easier to love him as opposed to the other guys who go for me, or I may just be unfairly judging those others, I am still analyzing myself in terms of that as well. TLDR *I love a guy and I freak out on him and I thought I scared him away turns out he was cool. *I overthinked and mentally filtered out the good moments focused on the bad and thinking that there was going to be no end to those moments *I learned a lot about myself due to this incident. I wish I didnt have to have something like this happen just to learn about myself. *Working out on an empty stomach will make u puke. *I realize I would rather miss a couple of IM replies from him that not talk to him at all. p.s. I know there are a lot of grammatical errors on this post but just bear with me, I am pretty hungry and havent had much sleep. Edited April 29, 2012 by ohmygoshistalk
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