isitimportant Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Well, I’ve been with my bf for over a year. There were some ups and downs but we always managed to talk about it and find some kind of solution to the problem. However, lately things have been going crazy. I’m in my late 20s and he is in his mid 30s, he’s got a four-year old son from his previous relationship and he owns a bar in the town. So much for the background. I guess we’re a good couple, we get along, laugh, have a lot in common but lately everything is going from bad to worse. There are many issues that bug me and I don’t know how to deal with them. He’s always been rather a loner, he does have friends but only meets them in the bar where he works. He never hangs out with them, doesn’t visit them, anything. And basically he says he hates all the people. Lately he hasn’t been spending much time with me either, I understand he’s busy working in the bar and taking care of his son with whom he spends at least four days a week. Yet, two weeks ago he started hiring his flat which was (except for his cabin outside the town) the only place where we could be together. It’s true we only spend like 2 days in the flat and the rest of the week we weren’t there so it was a little useless but now, we don’t spend almost any time together because I work from 8 till 4, he opens the bar at 3 and closes usually at like 2 or 3 in the morning. So, there’s not much chance to meet. And the days he doesn’t work he dedicates entirely to his son, which is understandable. However his kid doesn’t seem to be excited about his dad having a new gf, he’s small and I know it must be tough for him but after a few days when we were all together and he didn’t talk to me, and merely cried, I decided to leave to two of them alone. Now, of course I see the red flags all around and I tried to break up with him but whenever I suggest breaking up, he starts to tell me how much he loves me and can’t be without me. Btw. when we’re officially dating, he doesn’t seem to be bothered when he doesn’t see me for three or four days, doesn’t seem to miss me. So, I tried to break up with him calmly, claiming we both want different things but he always talked me into staying. And since I care about him and I know he’s a really good guy it’s tough to leave. Now, we haven’t seen each other for more than like five days, we text but that’s all. We talk about it and he doesn’t want to get an apartment and move in together because he wants to wait cuz he should inherit a house. But nobody knows when, it can be next week or in three year time. I have no idea what to do, I hang out with my friends and have a great time but whatever happens, good or bad, he’s never there for me. Can you help me?
darkmoon Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 would you give up the chance to inherit a house? he works in a bar which is not that well paid, i can understand why he wants the house tbh
Feelsgoodman Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Why can't you do the hanky panky at your place of residence?
curlygirl40 Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 He's not being a jerk and you're not being an idiot. What you each want/need from a relationship does not mesh. He wants to be with you, but he needs to run his business and spend time with his son. He's not choosing those things over you or acting like a jerk, he simply needs to do those things and doesn't have a lot of time for you. If you want/need to spend more time with him and he can't do that due to his other responsibilities, then you're not compatible right now. Simple. Although I know it's not simple. Because your feelings are involved and there doesn't seem to be an easy way to solve it. Now the inheriting the house thing I find confusing. Is he thinking that someone in his family is going to die and he's going to get the house? That is not a quick/simple thing. No reason why he can't sign a lease in the meantime. His son is his TOP priority and if his son is not adjusting well to his dad having a girlfriend, probably moving in together is not a good idea right now anyway. He is getting what he needs out of the relationship with you or he would be complaining/worried/upset by the lack of time together and he would do something about it and find a way to solve it. And he's not doing that. It doesn't seem like he wants/needs to see you as much as you want/need to see him to have a relationship. That's a huge issue really. One that you might not be able to overcome. Best of luck 2
dasein Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Agree with curlygirl, i don't see extreme jerk or idiot on either side. Want to add that the bar business is tailor made for people owning bars or working in them to get a negative attitude. The business involves addicts of necessity, and if not addicts, people behaving badly under the influence of alcohol, day in day out. For this reason, many people aren't compatible with those in that work/life. It's up to you where your tolerance level is. Good luck.
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Hi; I don't think he's being a jerk; he's just never around. You both have two different lives and they just don't seem to click very well together. You are like 2 ships passing in the night. Not seeing someone you love for 5 days here and there has to be frustrating and I can see where you would want out. This sounds like a guy that you could remain friends with, but not sure if there are any bells and whistles here.
Michael Johnson Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I don't think nobody here is a jerk or an idiot, I just think both of you have different goals and objectives that make it somewhat difficult for the both of you to be together. You need to be strict and have a serious discussion about this one more time. Tell him either the both of you create a schedule where the both of you can spend adequate time together or you will move on.
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