What Exes' Treatment Says About Me

[verhrzn]

I think you should broaden your thought-process to emcompass at least something a little happier. At that point, I'd imagine that you will attract a completely different set of people around you. I think the people in your life don't just enable you to think the way you do - I think they are a reflection of this in some subconscious way. It may not have been that way in the beginning, but it is easy to get caught in a cycle.

 

I would try looking at things from a different angle, and seeing what happens.

 

I would say that your exes treatment of you suggests that there is a disconnect between your true desires and your despair at not feeling desirable. I commend you for at least attempting to be introspective about things, and though it may be hard, it will be beneficial for you to continue and get to the bottom of why you think the way you do.

 

What do you mean, "encompass something a little happier"? And what disconnect between "true desires and despair at not feeling desirable"? How does that relate to my exes? What different angle could I look at?

 

Again, apology for the obtuseness, but ya gotta be a little bit more specific; I don't follow the vagueness.

[Els]

Yeah, easy catch because the guys are desperate, and can't get the hot woman they want. How is that not what you said?...

 

...No, I said easy catch because you have low self esteem. There is a huge difference therein.

 

Something I learnt in my quarter of a century around here, is that how you view yourself has a huge impact on how people view you. If you view yourself as less valuable, other people will view you as less valuable, and the people who are just out for an easy catch will gravitate towards you while the people who have high opinions of you (that you consistently rebuff and dismiss and argue with) will just give up and seek a healthier perspective elsewhere.

 

Please get it this time, because I really can't think of too many other ways to phrase this.

[verhrzn]

People get rejected everyday. Hell, some guys get rejected multiple times per day. Does this mean people are all rebounding without even entering relationships with the individuals who rejected them?

 

Let's flip to the other side of the argument. Why would you get involved with so many guys who were purportedly on the rebound?

 

All of this points to having very little self-worth, where the automatic assumption is that you have no value since...wait for it...you're ugly (which you're not).

 

If I knew a guy was on the rebound, I wouldn't touch him. I think that shows I DO have self-worth. I just also (ironically) have a trusting nature, so don't automatically assume they're rebounding with no evidence.

 

In most of the situations, I didn't realize they were rebounding until I had been dating them for a while. Usually at those points I'd say," Well I guess it doesn't matter, since we've been dating for a while and have a good relationship." Then, like clockwork, within a few weeks, I'd be dumped.

[jobaba]

Well, it's less about what society thinks, and more evidence that the guy didn't really dig me. That I got him because no other woman would take him. So when he gets a opportunity at another woman, he dumps me and grabs it with her. It gives evidence to the whole "my exes dated me because they were desperate" idea.

 

Keep trying until you find one that does. At least you are able to attract men physically. I'd say having 5 boyfriends is pretty good evidence of that. A lot of guys here your age can't get past that step.

[verhrzn]

...No, I said easy catch because you have low self esteem. There is a huge difference therein.

 

Something I learnt in my quarter of a century around here, is that how you view yourself has a huge impact on how people view you. If you view yourself as less valuable, other people will view you as less valuable, and the people who are just out for an easy catch will gravitate towards you while the people who have high opinions of you (that you consistently rebuff and dismiss and argue with) will just give up and seek a healthier perspective elsewhere.

 

Please get it this time, because I really can't think of too many other ways to phrase this.

 

I get it. I just don't agree with it.

 

I've seen tons of people with awful opinions of themselves end up in relationships. I've seen people who are happily confident and secure stay single, despite their best efforts. I've seen scumbags celebrating and good people pushed down. Look at narcissists... studies of their psychology demonstrate that they are notoriously insecure and negative, and yet they seem to amass enormous amounts of power and privilege. Charismatic people are charming, regardless of their own self-perception.

 

It just seems like our own self image actually doesn't seem to influence those around us very much. It all just seems to be luck and some weird social thing I can't put my finger on.

[verhrzn]

Keep trying until you find one that does. At least you are able to attract men physically. I'd say having 5 boyfriends is pretty good evidence of that. A lot of guys here your age can't get past that step.

 

Maybe they should try relentless pursuing and taking whatever they can get like I do. Any time a guy shows even the vaguest interest in me, I do my absolute best to be attracted to them, and I do most of the chasing.

 

And no, it doesn't mean the guys are attracted to me physically. Like the rest of the thread said: "desperate."

[threebyfate]

If I knew a guy was on the rebound, I wouldn't touch him. I think that shows I DO have self-worth. I just also (ironically) have a trusting nature, so don't automatically assume they're rebounding with no evidence.

 

In most of the situations, I didn't realize they were rebounding until I had been dating them for a while. Usually at those points I'd say," Well I guess it doesn't matter, since we've been dating for a while and have a good relationship." Then, like clockwork, within a few weeks, I'd be dumped.

How does one rebound without having a romantic relationship with another person? Isn't that like immaculate conception?

 

How much empathy do you feel you have verhrzn?

[ThaWholigan]

What do you mean, "encompass something a little happier"? And what disconnect between "true desires and despair at not feeling desirable"? How does that relate to my exes? What different angle could I look at?

 

Again, apology for the obtuseness, but ya gotta be a little bit more specific; I don't follow the vagueness.

Sorry, it made more sense in my head as I was typing it

 

You want to be desirable to your ideal man, right? And you feel you're not desirable to anyone, let alone that person (even if it's not completely accurate)? I'd say that creates a disconnect, whereby you are gravitating towards perhaps the opposite of your ideal as well as involving yourself in scenarios that are not right for you in some fashion, and it may be creating problems for you. I'm just throwing up a suggestion, I may be wrong, but it's something to ponder I think.

 

When I say emcompass something a little happier, I was perhaps fishing for a better term and couldn't find one. I meant to "be more positive", which I know you scoff at so I tried to word it in a way to make the concept more attractive to you . It's easy to say be more positive, but harder to cultivate I would imagine. The problem you have is simply that you feel you have absolutely nothing to be positive about (which I remember you posting about in a previous thread). That's really grim and bleak, and perhaps one of the reasons you find yourself in the scenarios you do and it could be a product of the way your exes have treated you over time.

 

I suggest you find out exactly why you feel you have nothing to be positive about and figure out how to change that without feeling like you have to give up and be hopeless.

[Els]

I get it. I just don't agree with it.

 

I've seen tons of people with awful opinions of themselves end up in relationships.

 

Yes, and so have you.

 

I've seen people who are happily confident and secure stay single, despite their best efforts. I've seen scumbags celebrating and good people pushed down.

 

As zengirl said, the world isn't transactional. Despite any and all efforts, there is never a 100% guarantee that everything is going to work out great. Especially on the romantic front. The fact that good people are having bad experiences does not negate the fact that something can be done to improve one's chances at happiness.

 

Look at narcissists... studies of their psychology demonstrate that they are notoriously insecure and negative, and yet they seem to amass enormous amounts of power and privilege.

 

They actually exude an illusion of confidence and elevated opinion of themselves, to others.

 

Charismatic people are charming, regardless of their own self-perception.

 

I've not seem a charismatic person who consistently calls themselves ugly and talks about how everyone would be happier if they just died, have you?

 

It just seems like our own self image actually doesn't seem to influence those around us very much. It all just seems to be luck and some weird social thing I can't put my finger on.

 

 

Of course there are multiple factors to everything, including luck. In your case though, as I said, the prime factor appears to be your very evident negativity and low self esteem. Once that is fixed, if nothing changes for some time, then you have every right to claim that my hypothesis is wrong. But as it stands, you have nothing to lose by trying to work on your self-esteem, and everything to possibly gain.

[verhrzn]

How does one rebound without having a romantic relationship with another person? Isn't that like immaculate conception?

 

How much empathy do you feel you have verhrzn?

 

Well, a rebound suggests the person is not over the other person. That's what I mean... my exes apparently dated me while still pining for other girls, and I wasn't aware of it.

 

My amount of empathy changes. When I alone, I'd say my empathy is rather low. I'm self-focused, and usually at my most negative/bitter. When I am socially engaged with someone else (phone conversation, in person, chatting, etc.) I'd say my empathy is normal. It can actually be a little overwhelming... if I see someone who is sad, I automatically get sad regardless of my own situation. I once burst into tears at a party because someone ELSE was crying.

 

Hell, my last ex used to get pissed at me because I'd be TOO concerned for him. He'd say "Oh man I'm feeling sick" and I'd react in a way he felt was too emotional. (I wouldn't cry or anything, my tone would just be too concerned, according to him.)

 

Here's a good illustration. If I'm watching a sad movie all by myself, I might tear up a little, but my feelings remain pretty steady. If I'm watching the same sad movie with a group of people (even strangers at a theater), I cry my eyes out and feel emotionally drained for a decent time afterwards.

[dasein]

At your relatively young age, your bad experience with exes is likely just bad luck and possibly lack of proactivity on your part.

 

Have encouraged you to broaden your social horizon and to avoid nerds, but the "people picker" homily so many bring up on LS ad nauseum rubs me the wrong way. It sounds like something parroted from a bad Dr. Phil episode.

 

1. Most people are "little b bad" incompetent, thoughtless, ill-informed, selfish, mediocre relationship partners, not rising to the level of "evil" just mediocre in their day to day lives. It was a gag on Seinfeld that 95% of people are undateable for example (this was admittedly due mostly to looks on the show, but the point remains). You will never know which kind of person you have picked until a certain point of disclosure is reached and knowledge gained. There may be hints or signs or there may not be.

 

IT ISN'T LIKE PICKING BETWEEN PIECES OF FRUIT IN A PRODUCE DEPARTMENT. Rather it's like being shown a barrel and a blindfold and told one gets three reaches in the barrel while blindfolded to pull out the prize. No one watching would accuse the blindfolded contestant in that game of having a poor "prize picker" yet we blithely toss that assessment/insult onto posters here.

 

A teeny tiny % of people, genetically and otherwise blessed to a high degree, possibly have "people picker" analysis applicable from the start, the rest of us start with that blind barrel where "people picker" couldn't possibly apply.

 

2. The "people picker parlance" presumes an undue level of choice. In a perfect world, we would line up like a square dance across the room from the options and have instant perfect information about them. Then we would all gravitate towards our perfect match? NO! Even in such perfect circumstances, a certain (high) percentage of people would seek to choose the best, choosing the most beautiful, intelligent, charming few options and competing for them REGARDLESS OF THEIR OWN GENERAL MATE VALUE. We don't naturally just "even out" outside cultural controls, and there isn't some perfect match waiting out there if we are only wise enough to "pick it." The actual raw numbers and stats of dating and mate selection are pretty gruesome, not merely a matter of someone's poor "picks."

 

3. The people picker device is primarily applicable to people who, faced with other multiple choices, continue to make the wrong ones over and over, clinging to the abuser, repeating the same behavior, not people who, due to whatever reason, don't have that many choices available or are young and inexperienced. Most average people don't have a long list of options unless they literally BUST THEIR ASSES with volume. Let's say one is in a population pool of 100k people. Half will be the desired gender, a subset in one's age range, a further subset single, etc. the number winnows from 100k to 5k or even much smaller real fast. That's a TON of meet and greet to get to a FEW prospects.

 

If "people picker" has application to certain types of relationship choices, IMO that application is much more narrow than one would believe reading LS. Divorced three times? Six LTRs over 20 years and none pan out? There MAY BE "people picker" issues. But it's completely possible to toss a coin wrong 3-4 times in a row also, and the -worst- choices are more often than not the -best- at hiding it. No one who gets cheated by a pro cheat in poker is told, "Well you just aren't good at poker," nor are they told "you should have been able to spot the cheat before sitting down." Why then do we insult people with a trite, stale Dr. Philism when relationships are involved?

 

OP's remedy is to be found in VOLUME and change of environment, meeting volumes of new people to even begin getting to a place where any "people picker" type cliche' pseudo psychology homily is applicable.

Edited April 29, 2012 by dasein

[Feelsgoodman]

If you were dumped by 4 out of 5 of your past boyfriends (in other words, you are the dumpee 80% of the time) and these guys instantly moved on to someone else, it can only mean one thing: you are dating men who are not particularly attracted to you. They may have been dating you because they didn't have anything better going on at the time, but they certainly did not have any feelings for you.

 

I've seen this type of scenario play out with people I know in real life. Without exception, it always involves a girl who is trying to punch above her weight and a guy who is a bit shy/socially awkward and settles for that girl (albeit temporarily) even though he can do better. If you don't want to be the "good enough until I find someone better" girl for the rest of your life, you need to start playing within your league.

[goldengirl11]

 

I was going to say just snap but it wasn't enough characters! Exactly the same for me.

[Star Gazer]

And if I'm getting consistently dumped because guys "lose their romantic feelings" for me, then doesn't seeing myself as ugly make sense? Isn't that guy-code for "you're ugly..."

 

I certainly don't think so.

 

I've lost romantic feelings for every guy I've broken up with, and not once did I lose those feelings because I saw them as ugly/not physically attractive.

[jobaba]

If you were dumped by 4 out of 5 of your past boyfriends (in other words, you are the dumpee 80% of the time) and these guys instantly moved on to someone else, it can only mean one thing: you are dating men who are not particularly attracted to you. They may have been dating you because they didn't have anything better going on at the time, but they certainly did not have any feelings for you.

 

I've seen this type of scenario play out with people I know in real life. Without exception, it always involves a girl who is trying to punch above her weight and a guy who is a bit shy/socially awkward and settles for that girl (albeit temporarily) even though he can do better. If you don't want to be the "good enough until I find someone better" girl for the rest of your life, you need to start playing within your league.

 

Yup. Exactly what I'm talking about.

 

Stay away from people like this poster.

[Andy_K]

If you were dumped by 4 out of 5 of your past boyfriends (in other words, you are the dumpee 80% of the time) and these guys instantly moved on to someone else, it can only mean one thing: you are dating men who are not particularly attracted to you. They may have been dating you because they didn't have anything better going on at the time, but they certainly did not have any feelings for you.

 

I've seen this type of scenario play out with people I know in real life. Without exception, it always involves a girl who is trying to punch above her weight and a guy who is a bit shy/socially awkward and settles for that girl (albeit temporarily) even though he can do better. If you don't want to be the "good enough until I find someone better" girl for the rest of your life, you need to start playing within your league.

 

As harsh as it may sound, there's a good chance there's a lot of truth in this.

 

Socially awkward guys often do settle for whatever they can get and move on when they realise they can do better. If there were no problems in your relationships and they're moving on to someone else, then the most obvious explanation is they weren't attracted enough to you.

 

I think, like dasein said, in a small sample size this isn't necessarily a case of bad choices on your part but could easily be put down purely to bad luck. However, it's also the case that by picking guys who are a bit socially awkward or nerdy to start with, you increase he chances of this happening to you. Had you dated less desperate guys, you might have found the ones who did like you were more genuine in doing so.

[jobaba]

As harsh as it may sound, there's a good chance there's a lot of truth in this.

 

Socially awkward guys often do settle for whatever they can get and move on when they realise they can do better. If there were no problems in your relationships and they're moving on to someone else, then the most obvious explanation is they weren't attracted enough to you.

 

I think, like dasein said, in a small sample size this isn't necessarily a case of bad choices on your part but could easily be put down purely to bad luck. However, it's also the case that by picking guys who are a bit socially awkward or nerdy to start with, you increase he chances of this happening to you. Had you dated less desperate guys, you might have found the ones who did like you were more genuine in doing so.

 

Yea. Stay away from him too.

 

Do I lie?

[verhrzn]

As harsh as it may sound, there's a good chance there's a lot of truth in this.

 

Socially awkward guys often do settle for whatever they can get and move on when they realise they can do better. If there were no problems in your relationships and they're moving on to someone else, then the most obvious explanation is they weren't attracted enough to you.

 

I think, like dasein said, in a small sample size this isn't necessarily a case of bad choices on your part but could easily be put down purely to bad luck. However, it's also the case that by picking guys who are a bit socially awkward or nerdy to start with, you increase he chances of this happening to you. Had you dated less desperate guys, you might have found the ones who did like you were more genuine in doing so.

 

Too bad only desperate guys are willing to date me. Apparently "punching at above my weight" is dating a guy who is employed and not completely disfigured. Good to know. So nice to have it confirmed that all of my relationships have been a lie.

 

Guess I'll go back to saying," All single men suck and love is a f*cking sham for ugly people."

[dasein]

Too bad only desperate guys are willing to date me. Apparently "punching at above my weight" is dating a guy who is employed and not completely disfigured. Good to know. So nice to have it confirmed that all of my relationships have been a lie.

 

Guess I'll go back to saying," All single men suck and love is a f*cking sham for ugly people."

 

There are several posters on this forum who haven't had -any- relationships at all by your age, sexual or otherwise. I had no idea before this thread that you had five BFs in the past. Based on all your past posts, I had assumed you had had maybe 1-2 dating relationships of no more than a couple of weeks each. It shines a new light on your posts and the attitude your posts reflect is one of privilege. Your results to date, are -average-, that you are some put upon pariah? Illusion.

 

At your age, I myself hadn't had a relationship longer than six months, that one cheated on me. I had about the same number of what could be called GFs by your age that you have, and many women outright rejected me. Will bet many, many posters who do better than average with the opposite sex now are similar.

 

If you, as an average person, want better results in your personal life, you are going to have to work for those results just like the rest of us did.

[Mrlonelyone]

A fundamental truth of dating is that social status within ones group is of great importance. Humans are social creatures. This is the way it was on the savannah of Africa and in allot of ways we haven't really changed much.

 

By dating you those guys gained social status and desirability in the eyes of other women. Dating you also gave them confidence that would have made them more attractive automatically.

 

By dating you they were able to upgrade to women who matched their new social status and thus increase their own social status. The climbed the ladder.

 

The solution is to increase your social status and social worth. If your not attractive, dress better, work out, and if necessary get plastic surgery to make yourself so. That is a horrible superficial thing to say, I know. Never the less that's the way it is.

 

Do those things and no man will leave you then treat you like garbage ever again.

[verhrzn]

There are several posters on this forum who haven't had -any- relationships at all by your age, sexual or otherwise. I had no idea before this thread that you had five BFs in the past. Based on all your past posts, I had assumed you had had maybe 1-2 dating relationships of no more than a couple of weeks each. It shines a new light on your posts and the attitude your posts reflect is one of privilege. Your results to date, are -average-, that you are some put upon pariah? Illusion.

 

At your age, I myself hadn't had a relationship longer than six months, that one cheated on me. I had about the same number of what could be called GFs by your age that you have, and many women outright rejected me. Will bet many, many posters who do better than average with the opposite sex now are similar.

 

If you, as an average person, want better results in your personal life, you are going to have to work for those results just like the rest of us did.

 

Work HOW? I already pursue guys exclusively. I have had one, exactly one, boyfriend pursue me. All the others, I pursued. And that was in the midst of getting relentlessly rejected by every other guy I tried for. Except for that one boyfriend, I have never had a guy even lift a finger to be with me.

 

I work out, I eat well, I have a good job, I wear make-up and Im freaking growing my hair out (and it looks awful, btw, but apparently guys LOVE long hair), have a good job, have interesting hobbies, etc.

 

What possible thing am I not doing that you can label me as "needing to work harder"?

 

And big freaking deal that some guys on this board haven't had as many relationships. I bet if they willingly dated and pursued ugly and underemployed chicks, they'd have as many relationships as I did, since it's already been established that these guys dated me because they were desperate, and I dated them because I'm constantly being told to "lower my standards," not "date above my league," and so on.

 

And yet I still get constantly dumped and rejected.

[Mrlonelyone]

There are several posters on this forum who haven't had -any- relationships at all by your age, sexual or otherwise. I had no idea before this thread that you had five BFs in the past. Based on all your past posts, I had assumed you had had maybe 1-2 dating relationships of no more than a couple of weeks each. It shines a new light on your posts and the attitude your posts reflect is one of privilege. Your results to date, are -average-, that you are some put upon pariah? Illusion.

 

At your age, I myself hadn't had a relationship longer than six months, that one cheated on me. I had about the same number of what could be called GFs by your age that you have, and many women outright rejected me. Will bet many, many posters who do better than average with the opposite sex now are similar.

 

If you, as an average person, want better results in your personal life, you are going to have to work for those results just like the rest of us did.

 

Dasein what you say is true of a heterosexual man not a woman. Women are propositioned in all kinds of ways all the time by guys who are only dimly interested in us.

 

Getting meaningless sex from men is as easy as falling off a log. Guys litterally pull it out and try to smack you with it.

[iris219]

Guess I'll go back to saying," All single men suck and love is a f*cking sham for ugly people."

 

Over a certain age, many of the single men suck. You're not at that age yet.

 

V, I'm pretty and have terrible luck with men. Does that help discredit your theory that only ugly people struggle with dating? (You're not ugly, btw.)

[Mrlonelyone]

You say you work out. What has been the result. You don't have to answer this here...is your BMI less than 24? Is your Waist to hip ratio less than 0.72? Do you have lots of blemishes on your skin?

 

Clearly these men like your personality at least..but even so people really do end up choosing based on the wrapper. Never bet against peoples base instincts taking over.

[dasein]

What possible thing am I not doing that you can label me as "needing to work harder"?

 

1. Broaden your social horizons.

2. Approach more people.

 

Neither can be accomplished here.