What Exes' Treatment Says About Me

[verhrzn]

This is kind of a branch-off of the "should exes be friends?" thread from yesterday.

 

Lately I've been trying to do some hard digging into my brain to figure out why I have the dating hang-ups that I do. (Yes, yes, get therapy; saving up for it, trying to do some homework in the meantime.) I think it's pretty obvious I'm stuck on my exes; more specifically, stuck on the way they treated me after the break-up. I feel like, until I can understand why this happened, and how to prevent it in the future, I'm just going to either stay stuck and bitter, or repeat the same mistakes.

 

Of the 5 boyfriends I've had, 4 of them after breaking up with me, immediately dropped me from their lives and either immediately or within a few weeks were dating another girl. These were not situations of the guy having to flee because I was such a crazy person. They didn't de-friend me or send a restraining order against me.

 

In fact, they kind of acted like we had never dated in the first place. It was like a switch; one day we were a romantic couple, the next day I was some casual friend. Whenever I'd run into them at parties, they'd treat me as if I was, well, anybody else. And I'd dated all of these guys upwards of 6 months.

 

With my latest ex, when we broke up, he went into a celebratory mood. I cut him off No Contact and hide myself from him on FB; however, I still saw things he said when he wrote on mutual friends' walls. And he wrote on their walls all the freaking time, all with this happy "My life is so great!" tone. He'd go on about what awesome plans he had, how he had "so much!" to do he couldn't decide... and I found out he'd started sleeping with another girl, inside of a week of being broken up. (PS: I didn't block him because I didn't want to seem like a drama queen. My friends have often yelled at me for "over-reacting" to a break-up, like cutting the guy out and being sad.)

 

I understand that when you're the break-uper, you've probably already processed your feelings about that person, and are more prepared than the break-upee to move on.

 

But what does it say about me, and my relationships, that the guy immediately moves on? That he still "wants to be friends," but acts like we never dated at all?

 

In each of these relationships, more over, it wasn't as if there was some obvious fundamental incompatibility. Every single one just said they'd stopped seeing me in a romantic way. They said I was a perfectly fine girlfriend, but they just "didn't feel it" anymore. I think that means they started seeing me as ugly... but I never gained any weight (stayed the same size), I kept wearing make-up and "good" clothes (no PJ's or sweats), or acting any differently.

 

What does it all mean, that this is happening over and over again? How do I stop it from happening in the future? And how do I get over the fact that it seems like, each of my guys didn't care at all for me? That they dated me and forgot me as easy as changing a pair of shoes?

 

PS: There is one ex that didn't immediately forget me when we broke-up. He just hates me with a passion and consistently tells people how fantastic it is that I'm gone. So, progress?

[aj22one]

First it tells me five is a small sample size. And second it tells me that these were not the right men for you which is why y'all broke up in the first place.

 

You can't really read too much into how people act online or in casual interactions. You can read some things sure, but not loads of details. You have no idea if they really did just forget you like an old hat.

[TheFinalWord]

This is kind of a branch-off of the "should exes be friends?" thread from yesterday.

 

Lately I've been trying to do some hard digging into my brain to figure out why I have the dating hang-ups that I do. (Yes, yes, get therapy; saving up for it, trying to do some homework in the meantime.) I think it's pretty obvious I'm stuck on my exes; more specifically, stuck on the way they treated me after the break-up. I feel like, until I can understand why this happened, and how to prevent it in the future, I'm just going to either stay stuck and bitter, or repeat the same mistakes.

 

Of the 5 boyfriends I've had, 4 of them after breaking up with me, immediately dropped me from their lives and either immediately or within a few weeks were dating another girl. These were not situations of the guy having to flee because I was such a crazy person. They didn't de-friend me or send a restraining order against me.

 

In fact, they kind of acted like we had never dated in the first place. It was like a switch; one day we were a romantic couple, the next day I was some casual friend. Whenever I'd run into them at parties, they'd treat me as if I was, well, anybody else. And I'd dated all of these guys upwards of 6 months.

 

With my latest ex, when we broke up, he went into a celebratory mood. I cut him off No Contact and hide myself from him on FB; however, I still saw things he said when he wrote on mutual friends' walls. And he wrote on their walls all the freaking time, all with this happy "My life is so great!" tone. He'd go on about what awesome plans he had, how he had "so much!" to do he couldn't decide... and I found out he'd started sleeping with another girl, inside of a week of being broken up. (PS: I didn't block him because I didn't want to seem like a drama queen. My friends have often yelled at me for "over-reacting" to a break-up, like cutting the guy out and being sad.)

 

I understand that when you're the break-uper, you've probably already processed your feelings about that person, and are more prepared than the break-upee to move on.

 

But what does it say about me, and my relationships, that the guy immediately moves on? That he still "wants to be friends," but acts like we never dated at all?

 

In each of these relationships, more over, it wasn't as if there was some obvious fundamental incompatibility. Every single one just said they'd stopped seeing me in a romantic way. They said I was a perfectly fine girlfriend, but they just "didn't feel it" anymore. I think that means they started seeing me as ugly... but I never gained any weight (stayed the same size), I kept wearing make-up and "good" clothes (no PJ's or sweats), or acting any differently.

 

What does it all mean, that this is happening over and over again? How do I stop it from happening in the future? And how do I get over the fact that it seems like, each of my guys didn't care at all for me? That they dated me and forgot me as easy as changing a pair of shoes?

 

PS: There is one ex that didn't immediately forget me when we broke-up. He just hates me with a passion and consistently tells people how fantastic it is that I'm gone. So, progress?

 

Well, I would say one thing is that constantly checking their updates on facebook keeps resurrecting the memories.

 

I have been there. One girl does not know I can see all of her Facebook pics etc. I found myself checking them out and asking what was wrong with me that she picked guy x over me??? Well, at the end of the day, I'll never know. The only thing I can control is stop looking at the pics/updates/etc. All that does is tear me down, not build me up. What you have to do is do whatever you need to do to get them off your mind. In psych it's call salient; forefront of the mind. Get it off of the front of your mind, whatever it takes. Don't worry if you're perceived as "drama". Your mental health is more important.

 

As far as why they can replace you so fast...have you ever had a pet die? Usually the only way I can deal with one of my dogs dying is to get another one. That's how a lot of people handle break ups. They don't process the last relationship but instead jump into another one to avoid pain. That's usually not a good thing. They think that the relationship didn't work out b/c you're not the right person instead of looking at themselves and seeing if they did something wrong too.

 

Also, people are not always what they present; especially on facebook/social media. Everyone has things going on in their life but they hide it (sometimes even from themselves).

[Els]

My money is on your people-picker and the sort of guy that you attract with a defeatist, negative, and low-self-esteemed attitude. I genuinely am not saying this to be mean. But when a person consistently responds to and processes negative input far more than the positive, it will naturally lead them to a certain sort of partner.

[shayla]

My money is on your people-picker and the sort of guy that you attract with a defeatist, negative, and low-self-esteemed attitude. I genuinely am not saying this to be mean. But when a person consistently responds to and processes negative input far more than the positive, it will naturally lead them to a certain sort of partner.

 

I agree with this. We catch what we fish for.

[threebyfate]

I think that means they started seeing me as ugly...

I'm isolating this little bit for a reason. It's a fixation of yours, one that needs to be shed if you wish to attract a better quality of men and also to maintain relationships.

 

If you consider how so many of your posts focus on this and other negative issues about yourself, don't you think this will get draining to a partner in short order?

[Professor X]

My money is on your people-picker and the sort of guy that you attract with a defeatist, negative, and low-self-esteemed attitude. I genuinely am not saying this to be mean. But when a person consistently responds to and processes negative input far more than the positive, it will naturally lead them to a certain sort of partner.

 

Bushy is right.

[jobaba]

And he wrote on their walls all the freaking time, all with this happy "My life is so great!" tone. He'd go on about what awesome plans he had, how he had "so much!" to do he couldn't decide... and I found out he'd started sleeping with another girl, inside of a week of being broken up. (PS: I didn't block him because I didn't want to seem like a drama queen. My friends have often yelled at me for "over-reacting" to a break-up, like cutting the guy out and being sad.)

 

Elswyth is right. Your people picker is off and I've told you that before. I don't want to toot my own horn, but I just broke up with my own girlfriend and I've already made the conscious decision not to hit on another girl for at least a month. Not because I don't want to, just out of respect. And there are other guys out there like me.

 

I think my PP is pretty solid, mostly because I'm so damn critical, daming and judgemental of people. So my friends and the girls I go for usually have usually been pretty solid people. The women who reject me often want to keep me in their life as true friends. But I've been off to.

[verhrzn]

I'm isolating this little bit for a reason. It's a fixation of yours, one that needs to be shed if you wish to attract a better quality of men and also to maintain relationships.

 

If you consider how so many of your posts focus on this and other negative issues about yourself, don't you think this will get draining to a partner in short order?

 

Sure; the problem is, my exes created that opinion of me. I honestly didn't have this fixation until the 2nd or 3rd time I'd been dumped. (I didn't ever think I was attractive, but I just kinda rolled with it and went "Meh, it doesn't matter.")

 

Several of them flat out said I wasn't physically attractive. And if I'm getting consistently dumped because guys "lose their romantic feelings" for me, then doesn't seeing myself as ugly make sense? Isn't that guy-code for "you're ugly and I want to bang other chicks?" Which is what the immediately went on to do.

 

My money is on your people-picker and the sort of guy that you attract with a defeatist, negative, and low-self-esteemed attitude. I genuinely am not saying this to be mean. But when a person consistently responds to and processes negative input far more than the positive, it will naturally lead them to a certain sort of partner.

 

So how do I improve my people-picker? Because all of these guys came across as sweet, nerdy, nice guys. They all have tons of friends and are very popular in their social groups. So it's not like I'm seeking out jerks.

 

Isn't this also a chicken or the egg? Like I said above, it feels like my negative attitude developed out of my relationship experience, not the other way around. Hell, I was downright happy-naive in my first relationship. I put way too much emphasis on the positive; I should have been fleeing that one inside a month.

[threebyfate]

Back to square one. No matter what these guys or anyone says, the auto-interpretation is that you're physically ugly which you're not.

 

Straight up, you're emotionally exhausting but not physically ugly.

[Els]

So how do I improve my people-picker? Because all of these guys came across as sweet, nerdy, nice guys. They all have tons of friends and are very popular in their social groups. So it's not like I'm seeking out jerks.

 

Isn't this also a chicken or the egg? Like I said above, it feels like my negative attitude developed out of my relationship experience, not the other way around. Hell, I was downright happy-naive in my first relationship. I put way too much emphasis on the positive; I should have been fleeing that one inside a month.

 

Well, IMO a person's character and qualities is an extremely three-dimensional thing - it's very difficult to express it in words alone. So, I'm not sure how anyone could teach you over the internet to evaluate men's characters, tbh. For starters, you say sweet, nerdy, and nice, but in what sense do you mean all of those, or what gave you the impression of them being 'nice'? Some of the purportedly 'nice' men I know are also, for example, fairly superficial men who gravitate towards women with low self-esteem about their appearances because they feel they can't get 'anything better' - naturally, these aren't good partners because when they finally feel they can 'do better' or see hints of interest, they're off without a second thought. That might have explained the reason those guys 'got over you so quickly' (again, just a hunch, no one can ever know for sure over this side of the interwebz).

 

I suppose something you could try, is to open your mind towards dating a slightly different sort of guy instead, as it seems your exes all were of a very similar personality type. You may be surprised at the results.

 

As for the chicken and egg thing, I agree that it's a vicious cycle. But ultimately you're the one in control and you can snip the thread anytime you please.

[verhrzn]

Back to square one. No matter what these guys or anyone says, the auto-interpretation is that you're physically ugly which you're not.

 

Straight up, you're emotionally exhausting but not physically ugly.

 

Well what else would "I'm not physically attracted to you" mean except that I'm ugly?? What would "I'm not romantically interested in you, but you're a great person" mean except "your looks don't do it for me"?

 

If I'm cute, but emotionally exhausting, why the heck would they want to remain friends?? It means they'd have to deal with my emotional exhaustion. It'd make much more sense to turn me into a hook-up.

 

Sorry to be obtuse, but your logic just doesn't follow.

[iris219]

This says more about your choice of men and what you’re willing to put up with. Can you honestly say you ever felt strong, reciprocated love from these men? I suspect that with some of them the love was never there, but you stuck around hoping it would develop (I’m not criticizing; I know how tempting it is to do this when you like someone.) Try to be aware of the signs that were probably there from the beginning. Can you look back and see that these signs were there?

 

Your attitude always confuses me (because I can’t understand it) and makes me sad (because it must be horrible to feel the way you do).

 

V, here is how we’re different: I currently feel hurt by a man’s actions, but I don’t feel any less as a person because of it. I still believe I have a lot to offer and my self-esteem is fine. I don’t think this guy not wanting to be my boyfriend means there’s something wrong with me, and that’s because I have a strong sense of self and I like who I am. Your sense of self should not be based around how others view you or treat you.

 

I’m not sure how, but you need a boost of self-esteem, so that when negative things happen you don’t construe these to be based on your character and/or a reflection of you as a person. Other people's choices and decisions are not an indication of your worth as a person.

[Els]

Btw, before you latch on to the 'because they feel they can't get 'anything better' part of my post - I'm not saying that you're ugly, I meant that the guys know that you think you're ugly, so they view you as 'easier to achieve'.

[aj22one]

Well what else would "I'm not physically attracted to you" mean except that I'm ugly?? What would "I'm not romantically interested in you, but you're a great person" mean except "your looks don't do it for me"?

 

If I'm cute, but emotionally exhausting, why the heck would they want to remain friends?? It means they'd have to deal with my emotional exhaustion. It'd make much more sense to turn me into a hook-up.

 

Sorry to be obtuse, but your logic just doesn't follow.

 

Could mean any number of things. Including, "you have a negative outlook but I don't want to tell you and get into an argument so I'm going to tell you this and be done with it". It happens.

 

Did any of these actually remain friends with you? Or were they just "friends"?

[verhrzn]

Well, IMO a person's character and qualities is an extremely three-dimensional thing - it's very difficult to express it in words alone. So, I'm not sure how anyone could teach you over the internet to evaluate men's characters, tbh. For starters, you say sweet, nerdy, and nice, but in what sense do you mean all of those, or what gave you the impression of them being 'nice'? Some of the purportedly 'nice' men I know are also, for example, fairly superficial men who gravitate towards women with low self-esteem about their appearances because they feel they can't get 'anything better' - naturally, these aren't good partners because when they finally feel they can 'do better' or see hints of interest, they're off without a second thought. That might have explained the reason those guys 'got over you so quickly' (again, just a hunch, no one can ever know for sure over this side of the interwebz).

 

I suppose something you could try, is to open your mind towards dating a slightly different sort of guy instead, as it seems your exes all were of a very similar personality type. You may be surprised at the results.

 

Yeah, I have gotten the impression that most of my exes are the "Nice Guy" nerds, who dated me because they couldn't do better. Being with me made them more attractive (confidence), and suddenly women are sniffing around them more, so they drop me.

 

But I usually can't tell that until near the end. Heck, even their friends can't tell... in my last relationship, several of the guy's friends came up to me and told me how awesome we were as a couple. When he dumped me, a few even messaged me to tell me what an idiot he was.

 

As far as dating a "slightly different sort of guy," I'm really not sure what you mean. Different in what way? Date an obvious jerk instead??

 

The other big problem with that is, none of those "normal" guys WANT to date me. The only attention I get are from the "Nice Guy" nerds, whom I chase. So if no other type will date me, what then?

[threebyfate]

Well what else would "I'm not physically attracted to you" mean except that I'm ugly?? What would "I'm not romantically interested in you, but you're a great person" mean except "your looks don't do it for me"?

 

If I'm cute, but emotionally exhausting, why the heck would they want to remain friends?? It means they'd have to deal with my emotional exhaustion. It'd make much more sense to turn me into a hook-up.

 

Sorry to be obtuse, but your logic just doesn't follow.

What are the elements of attraction? Are they solely physical?

 

Remaining friends can be used for a number of reasons:

• To avoid negative drama from the break up.
  
• To retain the ego stroke from exes.
  
• Through genuine like of the person where the romantic side is gone.
  

 

Had they considered you ugly, they would have never dated you in the first place. If you're as ugly as you believe, why do you have a dating history of five boyfriends?

 

Your logic doesn't compute.

[Els]

The world isn't just divided into 'nice guy nerds' and 'jerks'. There are so many different personalities, that are all light years apart, even if some might appear similar on the surface.

 

I can only repeat the same advice I gave you previously: Work on breaking the vicious cycle of negativity. Perhaps the guys who might genuinely like you for you, are turned off by your constant denial of such a possibility and negative views of yourself. I know I would be.

[verhrzn]

Could mean any number of things. Including, "you have a negative outlook but I don't want to tell you and get into an argument so I'm going to tell you this and be done with it". It happens.

 

Did any of these actually remain friends with you? Or were they just "friends"?

 

They did not remain friends because I cut them off. Would they have stayed friends if I hadn't put a strict "ignore" policy on them? Hard to say... but whenever I'd run into them at parties, they certainly acted friendly/like friends. They'd approach me and act like everything was peachy-keen, and I'd turn my back on them. After a few times, they got the message and left me alone.

 

I’m not sure how, but you need a boost of self-esteem, so that when negative things happen you don’t construe these to be based on your character and/or a reflection of you as a person. Other people's choices and decisions are not an indication of your worth as a person.

 

Maybe, but what about that whole "the only common dominator in your failed relationships is you" thing? If I am getting dumped for other women over and over, and if I am only attracting certain types of guys, isn't that a reflection of my character and worth as a person?

[verhrzn]

What are the elements of attraction? Are they solely physical?

 

Remaining friends can be used for a number of reasons:

• To avoid negative drama from the break up.
  
• To retain the ego stroke from exes.
  
• Through genuine like of the person where the romantic side is gone.
  

 

Had they considered you ugly, they would have never dated you in the first place. If you're as ugly as you believe, why do you have a dating history of five boyfriends?

 

Your logic doesn't compute.

 

Because like E says... they're desperate. My last ex was sleeping with someone else around the same time me and him got together (we were not exclusive, and I did not find this out until near the break-up.) She cut him off because she wanted to date someone else, so it looks like I became runner-up winner.

 

Actually, that's happened in at least 3 of the situations that I know of... guy is into someone else, they reject him, I end up with him.

[Els]

Because like E says... they're desperate.

 

That is not what I said. >.< I said that the men who gravitate towards you are likely to be drawn towards women with low self-esteem because they think they are an 'easy catch'. Your attitude towards yourself will naturally attract men like that and dissuade men who are genuinely interested in you.

[jobaba]

Actually, that's happened in at least 3 of the situations that I know of... guy is into someone else, they reject him, I end up with him.

 

That doesn't mean anything.

 

My last girlfriend, I asked her out after another woman rejected me. Turns out she was a MUCH better woman than the first woman could ever even dream of being.

 

And I almost feel like thanking the first woman for rejecting me so I could ask her out. Maybe I will if and when I see her.

 

Your definition of 'desperate' is messed up. Who cares if you end with a guy who can't get another woman just so long as you like him? F@ck what society says. If I ended up dating an overweight 38 year old woman who was a virgin but she was smart, funny, and could play the h@ll out of the piano and jam with me, I could give a sh@t what anybody else thought.

[verhrzn]

That is not what I said. >.< I said that the men who gravitate towards you are likely to be drawn towards women with low self-esteem because they think they are an 'easy catch'. Your attitude towards yourself will naturally attract men like that and dissuade men who are genuinely interested in you.

 

Yeah, easy catch because the guys are desperate, and can't get the hot woman they want. How is that not what you said?...

 

That doesn't mean anything.

 

My last girlfriend, I asked her out after another woman rejected me. Turns out she was a MUCH better woman than the first woman could ever even dream of being.

 

And I almost feel like thanking the first woman for rejecting me so I could ask her out. Maybe I will if and when I see her.

 

Your definition of 'desperate' is messed up. Who cares if you end with a guy who can't get another woman just so long as you like him? F@ck what society says. If I ended up dating an overweight 38 year old woman who was a virgin but she was smart, funny, and could play the h@ll out of the piano and jam with me, I could give a sh@t what anybody else thought.

 

Well, it's less about what society thinks, and more evidence that the guy didn't really dig me. That I got him because no other woman would take him. So when he gets a opportunity at another woman, he dumps me and grabs it with her. It gives evidence to the whole "my exes dated me because they were desperate" idea.

[ThaWholigan]

I think you should broaden your thought-process to emcompass at least something a little happier. At that point, I'd imagine that you will attract a completely different set of people around you. I think the people in your life don't just enable you to think the way you do - I think they are a reflection of this in some subconscious way. It may not have been that way in the beginning, but it is easy to get caught in a cycle.

 

I would try looking at things from a different angle, and seeing what happens.

 

I would say that your exes treatment of you suggests that there is a disconnect between your true desires and your despair at not feeling desirable. I commend you for at least attempting to be introspective about things, and though it may be hard, it will be beneficial for you to continue and get to the bottom of why you think the way you do.

[threebyfate]

Because like E says... they're desperate. My last ex was sleeping with someone else around the same time me and him got together (we were not exclusive, and I did not find this out until near the break-up.) She cut him off because she wanted to date someone else, so it looks like I became runner-up winner.

 

Actually, that's happened in at least 3 of the situations that I know of... guy is into someone else, they reject him, I end up with him.

People get rejected everyday. Hell, some guys get rejected multiple times per day. Does this mean people are all rebounding without even entering relationships with the individuals who rejected them?

 

Let's flip to the other side of the argument. Why would you get involved with so many guys who were purportedly on the rebound?

 

All of this points to having very little self-worth, where the automatic assumption is that you have no value since...wait for it...you're ugly (which you're not).