iris219 Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I’m kidding! I'm glad I listened. In another thread I was advised to talk to the guy I'm dating about whether or not he’s dating anyone else. Here’s what happened: He said he was not seeing anyone else, and I believe him, but this to me merely means he hasn’t found anyone he’d like to date. I was going to ask him to clarify this when he distracted me by pointing out that we weren’t “dating”—that he preferred to think of it as “hanging out.” (We’re too old for “hanging out.”) He also said something cliché about not having labels. The conversation faded out and I left soon after. He could tell I was annoyed. He kept reminding me about his friend’s birthday party that he wants me to attend with him today, but I’ve decided I’m not going. In fact, I’ve decided to be done with this guy completely. It's been about 2 months. Was it too soon to bring any of this up? Am I overreacting?
OpenBook Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 No! You're making the right call by walking away from this guy. He is less than enthusiastic about you romantically, for whatever reason, so no use investing any more of your valuable time & energy with him. It's no skin off YOUR nose. He blew it. You're outta there!
wwwjd Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 2 months of hanging out?? I'm all for taking EVERYTHING mind boggling slow but I would think after a couple weeks one would know enough about someone to kick it up into "Dating" (romantic intention after matching up common life interest and goals) territory and KNOW there IS something or not. Sounds like a case of one wants exclusive and one doesn't. If that doesn't match up, might be best to move on. "I'm sorry, you are very nice, but it appears we both want different things so I need to say good bye." 1
Pierre Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I’m kidding! I'm glad I listened. In another thread I was advised to talk to the guy I'm dating about whether or not he’s dating anyone else. Here’s what happened: He said he was not seeing anyone else, and I believe him, but this to me merely means he hasn’t found anyone he’d like to date. I was going to ask him to clarify this when he distracted me by pointing out that we weren’t “dating”—that he preferred to think of it as “hanging out.” (We’re too old for “hanging out.”) He also said something cliché about not having labels. The conversation faded out and I left soon after. He could tell I was annoyed. He kept reminding me about his friend’s birthday party that he wants me to attend with him today, but I’ve decided I’m not going. In fact, I’ve decided to be done with this guy completely. It's been about 2 months. Was it too soon to bring any of this up? Am I overreacting? This guy felt the word "dating" implies too much interest. He wanted to make it more casual than just dating. Maybe he simply wants a FWB.
Author iris219 Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 This guy felt the word "dating" implies too much interest. He wanted to make it more casual than just dating. Maybe he simply wants a FWB. This is what's confusing to me. I'm not sleeping with him. I don't have sex outside of a committed relationship, and he's aware of this. He knows he's not going to get laid, yet he's stuck around for almost 2 months and hasn't "hung out" with anyone else. I figured that meant he must genuinely like and value me. I don't get it.
shayla Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Thank goodness you walked away just as the game playing was about to start. This guy would have you twisted like a dread loc in no time if you kept on this path. You do not want any of this, take it from someone that drank that kool aid for too long. 1
Pierre Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 This is what's confusing to me. I'm not sleeping with him. I don't have sex outside of a committed relationship, and he's aware of this. He knows he's not going to get laid, yet he's stuck around for almost 2 months and hasn't "hung out" with anyone else. I figured that meant he must genuinely like and value me. I don't get it. I am glad you are not doing the "sex too soon" routine. Maybe he commitment phobic or feels threatened by formal words. In any event the concept of "He is dating only you" scares him. I would say most guys including myself are threatened by formality in a relationship.
Author iris219 Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 Thank goodness you walked away just as the game playing was about to start. This guy would have you twisted like a dread loc in no time if you kept on this path. You do not want any of this, take it from someone that drank that kool aid for too long. I agree with this. He doesn’t seem to know what he wants, so he gives mixed signals. One day I’m meeting his parents, the next day he says we’re “hanging out” rather than “dating.” Last month there was an incident where one day he took a day off of work to spend the entire day with me, and the next day he tells me he thinks we’re moving too fast. We didn't talk for a couple of days, then he contacts me, starts apologizing profusely, makes me a CD, and wants me to forget that he said things were moving too fast. If he kept up that sort of behavior, he would eventually drive me crazy. I am glad you are not doing the "sex too soon" routine. Maybe he commitment phobic or feels threatened by formal words. In any event the concept of "He is dating only you" scares him. I would say most guys including myself are threatened by formality in a relationship. Do you think I'm giving up on him too quickly?
Pierre Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I agree with this. He doesn’t seem to know what he wants, so he gives mixed signals. One day I’m meeting his parents, the next day he says we’re “hanging out” rather than “dating.” Last month there was an incident where one day he took a day off of work to spend the entire day with me, and the next day he tells me he thinks we’re moving too fast. We didn't talk for a couple of days, then he contacts me, starts apologizing profusely, makes me a CD, and wants me to forget that he said things were moving too fast. If he kept up that sort of behavior, he would eventually drive me crazy. Do you think I'm giving up on him too quickly? The thing you want to avoid is "pressuring him". Just be cool and distant and whatever you do--------don't sleep with him. He seems to want you, but is scared.
Radu Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I’m kidding! I'm glad I listened. In another thread I was advised to talk to the guy I'm dating about whether or not he’s dating anyone else. Here’s what happened: He said he was not seeing anyone else, and I believe him, but this to me merely means he hasn’t found anyone he’d like to date. I was going to ask him to clarify this when he distracted me by pointing out that we weren’t “dating”—that he preferred to think of it as “hanging out.” (We’re too old for “hanging out.”) He also said something cliché about not having labels. The conversation faded out and I left soon after. He could tell I was annoyed. He kept reminding me about his friend’s birthday party that he wants me to attend with him today, but I’ve decided I’m not going. In fact, I’ve decided to be done with this guy completely. It's been about 2 months. Was it too soon to bring any of this up? Am I overreacting? From my experience no. As for what he did, the distraction and subject change should tell you enough as a woman (as it's a favorite of women when they lie ). 2 months is time enough, you verbalised your position which is great because most guys need this ... and he gave you his answer. So get out. PS: I don't believe him when he said that he isn't dating anyone. It could be easy for him to lie since 'it's not dating anyway'.
carhill Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 OP, one potential is mirroring emotional unavailability. I went back and read some of your past threads because this sounded familiar and EU seems to be a recurring theme, either with men or within yourself. As an example, when I sense a woman being distant, this signals to me that I'm really not a current priority to her so I choose to give her the result of her choice without interference. No 'pursuit'. For your guy, perhaps, to him, intimate romantic relations, not necessarily genital sex, signal 'dating'. For myself, emotional intimacy and romance is necessary for the feelings of wanting to progress getting to know to dating to a relationship. Each person is different. If there's not a meeting of the minds and hearts between you and he, then that is what it is. What about this 'hanging out' signals the romantic versus the platonic, respectful of your perspective that sex occurs only in a committed and exclusive relationship? Or, if 'this' is over (apparently you feel that way) how about in general?
verhrzn Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I'd say a month and a half to two months is the perfect time to bring up exclusivity. By that time, the person knows you pretty well and you've both gotten a good look at what a relationship between the two of you would involve. I say you completely made the right choice. Good on you. 1
Author iris219 Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 OP, one potential is mirroring emotional unavailability. I went back and read some of your past threads because this sounded familiar and EU seems to be a recurring theme, either with men or within yourself. As an example, when I sense a woman being distant, this signals to me that I'm really not a current priority to her so I choose to give her the result of her choice without interference. No 'pursuit'. For your guy, perhaps, to him, intimate romantic relations, not necessarily genital sex, signal 'dating'. For myself, emotional intimacy and romance is necessary for the feelings of wanting to progress getting to know to dating to a relationship. Each person is different. If there's not a meeting of the minds and hearts between you and he, then that is what it is. What about this 'hanging out' signals the romantic versus the platonic, respectful of your perspective that sex occurs only in a committed and exclusive relationship? Or, if 'this' is over (apparently you feel that way) how about in general? We are very physically affectionate and verbally expressive. It is clear that we care about each other. We have shared our fears about relationships, our insecurities, aspects from our childhoods, our disappointments, our desires for the future. He has said that he’s revealed things to me that he’s never told anyone before, so there is a definite level of trust and comfort. When we have something good happen, we immediately want to share that joy with the other. We send each other cute, flirty texts during the day. There is no doubt that our relationship is way beyond platonic. Are there ways of creating emotional intimacy that maybe I’m missing? I’m not emotionally unavailable, but I can be emotionally reserved out of self-preservation. I feel like every time I start to open up with someone, they disappoint me, as this guy has. I decided to open up this time, despite not knowing where the relationship was heading, and now I feel like I made the wrong decision. Being emotionally open with someone and not having the relationship progress is something I could do without.
KathyM Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Those are some pretty mixed messages you are getting from him. Sounds like he's either a very immature and confused person and doesn't know what he wants, or is purposely playing games with you. I don't think either of those types would be someone worth pursuing. If a guy can't admit that he's dating you, and is afraid for you to even have the designation of someone he is dating, after two months of spending time with him, then it's time to drop this guy. 1
carhill Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 When I mix this: We are very physically affectionate and verbally expressive. It is clear that we care about each other. We have shared our fears about relationships, our insecurities, aspects from our childhoods, our disappointments, our desires for the future. He has said that he’s revealed things to me that he’s never told anyone before, so there is a definite level of trust and comfort. With this: He distracted me by pointing out that we weren’t “dating”—that he preferred to think of it as “hanging out.” He also said something cliché about not having labels. I'm now feeling like this: If a guy can't admit that he's dating you, and is afraid for you to even have the designation of someone he is dating, after two months of spending time with him, then it's time to drop this guy. Which appears to align with your current sentiments. All that said, as relationships are a risk, it's necessary IMO to put oneself 'out there' emotionally to grow a healthy relationship. If this one indeed doesn't grow, that's OK. One's emotions are a renewable resource.
Author iris219 Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 I'd say a month and a half to two months is the perfect time to bring up exclusivity. By that time, the person knows you pretty well and you've both gotten a good look at what a relationship between the two of you would involve. I say you completely made the right choice. Good on you. I think so too. He’s done some insensitive things and has some annoying habits that I’ve let slide because I have no other options and probably won’t for awhile. Guess it’s back to being entirely single, frustrated, and without options! Those are some pretty mixed messages you are getting from him. Sounds like he's either a very immature and confused person and doesn't know what he wants, or is purposely playing games with you. I don't think either of those types would be someone worth pursuing. If a guy can't admit that he's dating you, and is afraid for you to even have the designation of someone he is dating, after two months of spending time with him, then it's time to drop this guy. Immature and confused are good ways to describe to him. I'd add in selfish as well (although he also has a lot of good qualities as well.) Also, it's bothersome that after the conversation last night, he can pretend that it didn’t happened. He’s sent me a couple of his silly, enthusiastic texts, like he always does, as if we didn’t just a conversation that was hurtful. Does he not understand that what happened was upsetting to me? Lack of empathy maybe? I haven’t responded because I can’t reciprocate that enthusiasm right now.
verhrzn Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I think so too. He’s done some insensitive things and has some annoying habits that I’ve let slide because I have no other options and probably won’t for awhile. Guess it’s back to being entirely single, frustrated, and without options! Holla. [Ten characters]
threebyfate Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Also, it's bothersome that after the conversation last night, he can pretend that it didn’t happened. He’s sent me a couple of his silly, enthusiastic texts, like he always does, as if we didn’t just a conversation that was hurtful. Does he not understand that what happened was upsetting to me? Lack of empathy maybe? I haven’t responded because I can’t reciprocate that enthusiasm right now.He's an avoidant personality type. Instead of approaching issues head on, he evades them which means that issues don't get resolved between partners. He's hoping issues will go away. Time to shelve this guy unless you're looking for long-term frustration.
Author iris219 Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 He's an avoidant personality type. Instead of approaching issues head on, he evades them which means that issues don't get resolved between partners. He's hoping issues will go away. Time to shelve this guy unless you're looking for long-term frustration. So he gets it, he just doesn't want to deal with it. That could be it. This guy sounds like a walking red flag now that I've written about some of the issues we've had. The fact that I was willing to go forward with the relationship reflects badly on me. I'm not what it says about me exactly, but I don't think it's good.
Author iris219 Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 Update: This guy is so immature, and possibly crazy. I told him I wasn't going to his friend's party and he said well, then he wasn't going either. He's been sending me texts today with frowny faces which say things like, "just sitting at home reading" and "cleaning the house now." Does he want me to feel bad for not going and somehow making him not want to go? Should I see this as a compliment of sorts (that he didn't want to go without me)? How can he get so upset and feel so letdown about me not going when he says we aren't even dating?
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