Jane2011 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 As a matter of fact, I made it pretty clear in my posts that I don't even know the details of the OP's situation (and I don't). If you read my posts, I was talking more about people generally having a knee-jerk reaction that any relationship that doesn't start off absolutely perfect is doomed. I definitely wasn't encouraging the OP. I was going much more toward "the topic of rocky starts"
Radu Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Just occured to me that this thread could be seen as 'damsel in distress'. OP makes a thread with lots of generalizations about men, men show up trying to disprove it ... oh poor her, she must have been hurt, we must protect !!!
USMCHokie Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 OP makes a thread with lots of generalizations about men, men show up trying to disprove it ... oh poor her, she must have been hurt, we must protect !!! Eh, this sorta thing is par for the course...generally an OP experiences something negative about the opposite gender and as a result generalizes all individuals of that gender to share that same quality...then all members of said gender dash to defend both their gender and themselves, all the while throwing blame back at OP's gender... Just a routine weekend on LS...
Jane2011 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Then you started going on about how you've seen situations work before out of this circumstance and there is still hope... And no, I *didn't* say I've seen situations work out of these circumstances (that is, the OP's circumstances). The OP's circumstances were something about him wanting to not be exclusive just yet. I was very specific about the situations I've seen work. I detailed *their circumstances* which were not the same as the OPs. One circumstance didn't even involve dating other people. It just involved a man being elusive toward the woman, not spending enough time with her. The other situation involved the 'girlfriend' label or not and her wanting to date other people. One circumstance overlapped (a woman wanting to date other people), but you can't say that that means I'm telling the OP that should hang in there. Just providing information. What you're accusing me of is equivalent to this: Person 1: I don't know if I'm going to like this teacher or not. Person 2: I don't know if you will or not. There's a good possibility you won't. She doesn't have that great a track record for being liked. That said, I know a couple of people who have liked her. I did essentially the same thing as Person 2 in a relationship context. That's certainly giving a nod to the idea that the teacher might be liked. It's far from encouraging Person 1 to sign up for that teacher's course.
Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 key phrase : "Most of the time in these situations" You do realize that 99 percent of women think they are the exception to the rule? Ha, this is so very, very true. Or, they might not think they are, but they sure as sh*t hope they are.
threebyfate Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Pretty insulting Duchess. Where's your pride? You're playing with some very low odds but it's your life. Personally, I'd be hightailing it outta' Dodge and findin' me a real man who ain't 'fraida no durn commitment. It floors me how seriously people take relationships, as if they're bound for life when relationships are just a tiny step compared to engagement and then particularly, marriage. Even with marriage, there's always divorce. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be in your shoes. But then, I don't have much patience with 'fraidy cats.
Radu Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Eh, this sorta thing is par for the course...generally an OP experiences something negative about the opposite gender and as a result generalizes all individuals of that gender to share that same quality...then all members of said gender dash to defend both their gender and themselves, all the while throwing blame back at OP's gender... Just a routine weekend on LS... I was referring more to the damsel in distress bit.
USMCHokie Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Personally, I'd be hightailing it outta' Dodge and findin' me a real man who ain't 'fraida no durn commitment. You talk funnay....
Author DuchessKaye Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Pretty insulting Duchess. Where's your pride? I'm off to find it Personally, I'd be hightailing it outta' Dodge and findin' me a real man who ain't 'fraida no durn commitment. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be in your shoes. But then, I don't have much patience with 'fraidy cats. You do talk like my redhead colleague...
Jane2011 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) My own interest is to get to the bottom of it and the truth Also, you're not being truthful yourself when you say what you want is to reflect "truth" and "reality." If you were actually true to those concepts, you'd admit that it happens that sometimes one partner in a relationship is wishy-washy about commitment at first and then comes around. It may be a rare thing -- it may be only 5 to 10% of the time -- but it happens. A person who actually wants to reflect reality says: "Most of the time it doesn't work out; you'd be damn lucky if you got a guy or girl who came around; but it has happened that it does..." What you want is for a person to see the most-likely scenario. That's reasonable, yet, at the same time, isn't truly reality. You can give most-likely scenario, but be honest and truthful and reflect REALITY and THE ENTIRE PICTURE as well, meaning give even the less-likely scenarios that have, in fact, happened to people. I think you're afraid that the OP's situation is a typical one (the guy won't come around), so you're afraid that if a person mentions cases in which it's worked, she'll just hang onto the exceptional cases and then get hurt. Could be. But your reaction shouldn't be to get on other people's cases for TRULY reflecting reality, or to insist that most-common scenario is "the whole truth" and "reality." You gave part of reality; others of us filled in to provide the complete picture. At any rate, I didn't write in this thread worried so much about what the OP might do. I wrote in it for discussion, and I'm within my right to do so. Edited April 30, 2012 by Jane2011
threebyfate Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I'm off to find it As a thought, consider this approach: I've thought about our non-relationship. It bothers me and makes me feel undervalued and unappreciated. [He'll probably jump in to refute the undervalued and underappreciated part.] No, let me finish. If you're confused or uncertain, I understand to the degree that you can't help your feelings. But you too have to understand that I have feelings too. Neither one of us can control each other but each of us can take action to accommodate for our individual feelings. If our feelings aren't compatible then I don't see the purpose of this non-relationship beyond sleeping together, where sleeping together isn't enough for me. You take care of yourself as you've done and I'll take care of me as I should have done from the beginning, instead of agreeing with something that didn't meet my needs. We've been friends for a long time so hopefully we can remain friends. It's sad that so many years as friends didn't impact enough that we couldn't enter an honest relationship. You do talk like my redhead colleague...Never been a redhead, although I do naturally have some red in my hair. A natural brunette who's current hair colour has been dyed mink (near black).
Radu Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Never been a redhead, although I do naturally have some red in my hair. A natural brunette who's current hair colour has been dyed mink (near black). Oh no, he (she) turned emo ...
RedRobin Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) after reading more of the threads, I decided I don't have anymore to add... Usually people know the answer to their question before they post though. Deep down, they do. Trouble is finding the courage to follow through, on whatever it is. Good luck, OP. I hope you find peace and happiness... in whatever choice you make. Edited April 30, 2012 by RedRobin 1
M2155 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) The fact of the matter is men seeking to use women love the lack of pressure, serious conversation, and just going with the flow hoping it will change idea. That buys them time to get what they want and need before dumping you off on the side of the road once they're ready to move on. If he really cared for her and was really her friend he wouldn't string her and her emotions along while he gets his full and seeks out his own desires of self fulfillment. The more she bends, the more he loses respect for her...the more he feels like he should continue doing what he is doing...It's like confirmation for his behavior and just because he treats her well, spends time with her and sexes her up doesn't mean he's going to fall for her, because he would have already done that by now... I needed this advice about a year ago. I think this exactly what happened to me, I LET my ex get away with no commitment cause I didn't want to "pressure" him and justified it all kinds of ways because he went through the motions. Like RedRobin said, you usually know what's up but taking action is almost scary. OP if you really care about this guy and want him to act, you have take a different action too. If I were you I'd consider putting a pause on the sexual relations. Tell him something like you have decided since you're both dating other people you want to hold off until you are exclusive with one guy-no force or no demands. As long as we're all on the "we don't know how it'll turn out" page, you could end up liking another guy who IS willing to commit. Good luck! Edited April 30, 2012 by M2155
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