Eternal Sunshine Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Actually, I wish you were right about the lottery being 50/50. Haha posted at the same time, great minds think alike 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Are you saying the probability of me winning the lottery is 50%? If I buy a couple of tickets, that should have me covered Either you'll win or you won't. That's all I can predict based on my complicated mathematical models. Plus whatever those dice tell me.
JesseJames Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Everything in life is 50-50: either it'll happen or it won't. Works for rain, the lottery, NFL playoff games, LS relationship issues, job prospects. It's all 50% chance. No, 49,322 is right. I hate it when some chick sits there doing nothing but figgering her odds for some dude. It's 50/50. Some is so stupido.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Either you'll win or you won't. That's all I can predict based on my complicated mathematical models. Plus whatever those dice tell me. If that was the truth then I think most women would already be married/in a relationship that aren't
ForgetMeNots Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 FMN, thanks for this heartfelt post. I was crying while reading this and I just dunno why... Please don't cry <: ) Im not trying to make you feel bad, and hope that things really do turn out for the best. Though hope does not always translate into a reality, at least everyone here has given you tips and opinions to help give you all the options and angle so you can reach your own conclusion and choices.
Radu Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Just saying...people should stop ignoring that some relationships start out rocky. One of my best female friends was being wishy-washy with her boyfriend for the first three months of their relationship. (She wouldn't let him call her his 'girlfriend' to anyone at the time; she half wanted to still see other guys). They kept on and worked through it all. Still together and exclusive a year and a half later; she's 5 X more sure about him now. They live together; they're Facebook official, all of it. If her guy had asked for advice on this board, people would have said: "She won't even let you call her your girlfriend after three months? She has notions of dating other guys still? You need to drop her and find someone who actually takes you seriously." Instead, they're together and happy, and all of us (including me) are pathetic Loveshack people. lol. Well, if they are FaceBook official after just 18 months then that changes everything. The OP got a ton of relevant info from ppl who actually were these orbiters like her 'bf' is. Many of us have been there, have done that. As with many things, it matters how you use the information you are given and not just what info is given. GL OP, you will need it. PS: Women go into marriage hoping the guy will change, men go into marriage hoping the girl won't change.
Radu Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Either you'll win or you won't. That's all I can predict based on my complicated mathematical models. Plus whatever those dice tell me. You have a better chance to be struck by lightning in your own home.
Author DuchessKaye Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Please don't cry <: ) Im not trying to make you feel bad, and hope that things really do turn out for the best. Though hope does not always translate into a reality, at least everyone here has given you tips and opinions to help give you all the options and angle so you can reach your own conclusion and choices. No, I didn't feel bad. I just wanted to cry for refreshment, I think? The last time I cried so hard like this was fuggin 4 years ago. Long time... 1
Jane2011 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) Bottom line speaking from what she has said about her relationship with this guy, I'm fairly confident in the outcome of this situation...not because my sisters brothers cousin was in this same exact scenario and everything worked out because they were together for a whopping 3.5 years...which obviously means everything work out? doubtful but I don't know the words from their mouth, what people say themselves means more than someone else telling me about it. So a relationship lasting for three and a half years and the guy being about to pop the question just means nothing? You're so determined to be right that even if this couple gets married and stays together for twenty years and breaks up at the end of that, you'd be like "Aha! See? They settled. Starting off rocky NEVER works." If they stayed together for twenty years, likely they had normal relationship issues that came up along the way and had nothing or little to do with the way things started. You need to understand that a relationship that starts out rocky can last forever. That a relationship that starts off rocky can also last a long time but not forever. Likewise, a relationship that starts off very healthily and perfectly can last forever. And a relationship that starts off very healthily and perfectly can also not last forever. It's okay for you to disdain a relationship that doesn't last forever if your standard for "working" means it lasts forever; it just shouldn't be based on the way it started, because a healthy starting relationship can also not last forever, and often doesn't. And don't criticize people for using their experiences for why they feel the way they do. All of your posts start with "in my experiences" or "I know from experience" or "I've seen so many couples..." "I know so many men who"..."I myself have...>" You're doing the same thing. Just because you don't necessarily elaborate on the particular experience/story doesn't mean you're not also drawing from what you've done, or seen, in others. You say this: "I speak from a great deal of experience " "however unlike others I don't use others relationships or people that I know to validate the truth of something, I look at everything as unbiasedly as possible not let my emotions haze what is really happening...after all emotions are the X factor and what situation can't they allow? " So when you say you don't use others' relationships or people that you know to validate the truth of something, what exactly are you using when you say "i speak from a great deal of experience" -- does this mean your own experience or what you've seen? You look at everything as "unbiasedly as possible" -- what are you using as the basis for your analysis? Edited April 30, 2012 by Jane2011 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Ninja, I am well aware that one or two observations are not proof. But how do majority of posters give advice? Based on their experiences and observations. I thought that much was understood. Just like you, I have my own opinion. Personally, I was never in this situation so my advice has no emotional bias. There are also nuances in this particular "relationship" that should be taken into account. I hate the "one size fits all" mentality. 2
johan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 You need to understand that a relationship that starts out rocky can last forever. That a relationship that starts off rocky can also last a long time but not forever. Likewise, a relationship that starts off very healthily and perfectly can last forever. And a relationship that starts off very healthily and perfectly can also not last forever. It's okay for you to disdain a relationship that doesn't last forever if your standard for "working" means it lasts forever; it just shouldn't be based on the way it started, because a healthy starting relationship can also not last forever, and often doesn't. I think there's a reasonable chance that Ninja could be right. But he's taking the "dissent is not to be tolerated" approach to the discussion, which is irritating. Evidence shows that isn't what DK came here for. She could have sent him a PM if she wanted the answers handed over in one (enormous) spoonful. Fortunately she made this a public discussion and gave the rest of us the opportunity to chime in as well. I think it was nice of her.
Jane2011 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Well, if they are FaceBook official after just 18 months then that changes everything. The OP got a ton of relevant info from ppl who actually were these orbiters like her 'bf' is. Many of us have been there, have done that. As with many things, it matters how you use the information you are given and not just what info is given. GL OP, you will need it. PS: Women go into marriage hoping the guy will change, men go into marriage hoping the girl won't change. Ah, don't pick on the Facebook official thing. That was just thrown in as a bonus. I noticed you didn't highlight that they live together, because that would have been emphasizing something significant, and it wouldn't serve you to do that, of course. Now, I don't presume to say Facebook official, living together, or 18 months means everything anyway, but it's an indicator, certainly, that things are going pretty well for this couple at this point. You can't go around saying "it's not working" just because it will be in line with your preliminary negative prediction, and be conveniently cynical about what to any other couple you would say "oh, sounds like things are going well for you guys!" There are people on this board who brag about their relationships that are only 8, 9 months in, and most of us don't say "Ah, just wait and see. You aren't even a real couple yet." If things are working for a couple, stop insisting they aren't just because it will allow you to be "right all along" You'd probably have the same attitude even if the couple had been together ten years and had two kids and were happy. You'd be like, "Yeah right, we'll see..." lol
Jane2011 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I think there's a reasonable chance that Ninja could be right. But he's taking the "dissent is not to be tolerated" approach to the discussion, which is irritating. Evidence shows that isn't what DK came here for. She could have sent him a PM if she wanted the answers handed over in one (enormous) spoonful. Fortunately she made this a public discussion and gave the rest of us the opportunity to chime in as well. I think it was nice of her. I think he could be right, too. I already said in my original post in this thread that most of the time I think the basic scenario the OP is describing means trouble. But that people can't just blanketly condem all situations in which a person isn't 'sure' at the start of things; too many situations turn out differently. I'm speaking out against the "dissent is not to be tolerated' thing. Plus general know-it-all-knowness of some posters, something that is particularly pronounced in Ninja. I actually don't dislike Ninja, really. But damn if he doesn't insist on the absolute, undeniable truth of his assessment of every situation. What the hell? Be normal, please.
kaylan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) I think it has to do with the people involved and their priorities. Not everyone is ready for something serious when the opportunity comes up. It's not uncommon for people to resist committing. It's often a good sign if people don't jump right in. It's not always a sign that the person they are with is a second-best choice. Sometimes they don't know within two months how important that person will ultimately be in their life. And it's not a bad thing if a relationship isn't the absolute highest priority. When the relationship happens, that's evidence that they have found someone worth changing priorities for. It happens just about any way you can imagine. But I've noticed that the strongest relationships are often the ones that were rocky at the start and had a lot of push and pull in them. I have no idea if this is one of those situations. But people shouldn't rule it out based on what DK has written so far. Yes, relationships that start with drama, indecisiveness, and back-burning are definitely the strongest This forum and real life are proof of that being false. OP will learn soon enough. Even if she does ever get him to commit, it wont be for long. Shes not his "it" girl, and Id place any amount of money on that. But if she wants to continue with this and end up getting hurt, thats her call. Ohh, you're really still on it uhh... Anyway, me too. Tis the fact that I can't get over too. Hes still on it because he has a point. Ive seen what hes seen, and its that a lot of asian women will put up with more crap from white guys because thats who they want to end up with. They dont give other guys the same leeway. This isnt all asian women, but quite a bunch. Same thing I see some black men do when it comes to white women. Some let them act like bat crazy bitches when theyd never ever let a sister act that bad. Pointless thread is pointless, because the advice given is being ignored anyways. Edited April 30, 2012 by kaylan 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 So a relationship lasting for three and a half years and the guy being about to pop the question just means nothing? You're so determined to be right that even if this couple gets married and stays together for twenty years and breaks up at the end of that, you'd be like "Aha! See? They settled. Starting off rocky NEVER works." If they stayed together for twenty years, likely they had normal relationship issues that came up along the way and had nothing or little to do with the way things started. You need to understand that a relationship that starts out rocky can last forever. That a relationship that starts off rocky can also last a long time but not forever. Likewise, a relationship that starts off very healthily and perfectly can last forever. And a relationship that starts off very healthily and perfectly can also not last forever. It's okay for you to disdain a relationship that doesn't last forever if your standard for "working" means it lasts forever; it just shouldn't be based on the way it started, because a healthy starting relationship can also not last forever, and often doesn't. And don't criticize people for using their experiences for why they feel the way they do. All of your posts start with "in my experiences" or "I know from experience" or "I've seen so many couples..." "I know so many men who"..."I myself have...>" You're doing the same thing. Just because you don't necessarily elaborate on the particular experience/story doesn't mean you're not also drawing from what you've done, or seen, in others. You say this: "I speak from a great deal of experience " "however unlike others I don't use others relationships or people that I know to validate the truth of something, I look at everything as unbiasedly as possible not let my emotions haze what is really happening...after all emotions are the X factor and what situation can't they allow? " So when you say you don't use others' relationships or people that you know to validate the truth of something, what exactly are you using when you say "i speak from a great deal of experience" -- does this mean your own experience or what you've seen? You look at everything as "unbiasedly as possible" -- what are you using as the basis for your analysis? The difference between myself and many other people when making assessments or determination is I don't let the personal experience, the relationship of the person to me and how I "feel" based on my ideals and possibly own issues/struggles have a profound impact on how I come up with an opinion. I'm not just judging from my own perspective or opinion even though in general It has to distinguish itself from somewhere, which would be myself. I'm not personally interested in my own ideals, motives, emotional attachments, hopes and dreams etc when advising others...when you look at many posters on the forums most of this is based off of those factors. My own interest is to get to the bottom of it and the truth, I don't care If what I'm saying is what I like myself or the fact that I wish It wasn't that way or It should be different or how in a perfect world people should act and do this way or that...to me there is a certain standard and expectation but it has different origins and basis, more for equality and truth and genuine "love" If you will, not the settled-watered down-let's just see where this relationship goes...I realize that many people have relationships out of emotions that were lackluster and dysfunctional, but that doesn't indicate to me a success. Just because I walk on a broken leg doesn't mean "hey look I can walk just fine, why fix the leg!" a broken leg is a broken leg, a repaired one or unbroken leg is not technically speaking...do you see how these things are differentiated? most people feel that walking on a broken leg is ok, which is why most people continue on anyway regardless of red flags and issues, but don't you see the revolving door that people keep going through...and why? because they're afraid to let someone go, because their insecure, because they're lonely or feel like they won't find anyone else, or is that just the way it is supposed to be? The only ideal I subscribe to on an emotional level is there is something greater than what people make themselves apart of...greater than these dysfunctional, hurtful relationships that both people participate in and eventually settle into...however If people really are looking for true love and seeking something rather than just ending up in a relationship due to their own insecurities and fears then I would think they would be interested in looking past these types of relationships that pretty much everyone engages in rather than seeking something of greater depth. My goal or I guess purpose Is trying to ultimately enlighten people to that there is such a thing as both people being ready and willing to both pursue the same goal, with love, respect, maturity, self-awareness, communication as the fundamental basis...no "oh let me see If I make this jacked up @ss relationship work with this person that it's not working with but hey If I can make it work than I can put a flag on it and claim it a success...after all that's what life and love is about?" I mean how does that even make sense to people, why in the world would you want to settle or believe in that? doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of what you believe in and ultimately after or are women just going to sit in the crap that stinks the least and ride it out to greener pastures? You've got to see something wrong with that, I can't imagine how with all the crap in this world people claim to believe in and hope for they ultimately settle for so little...when they actually think they are fighting for something, fighting for what? to make something work that doesn't or do all relationship take work so you'd better try in any of them right? I mean what does it matter? And If you're basing your judgment off emotion in that determination you can't tell me that you haven't felt strongly emotionally for several men, so what do you do? just wait around for the one that doesn't push you away in the end? But then again I doubt people think half as deep into these kinds of questions, I'd have to write a whole book to explain all the details and information, queues, understanding, knowledge, experience from others and my own into the equation of how I come up with my analysis...It's not as blind and jumping the gun as people like to think it to be, everything someone says and doesn't say, or doesn't even think is relevant is relevant to me, the details and the picture that someone paints with their words is what gives me my opinion, not me basing my opinion based off my opinion.
kaylan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Sorry Hokie, his race is irrelevant (and so is yours). This is not a typical FWB, they actually spend quite a bit of time together. This guy could be out and hunting for others in the prime hunting time (fri and sat night) but he chooses to spend it with OP. I have just seen my friend get married where a R started like this, probably a bit worse than this actually. By month 6 he was fully committed and exclusive. By month 12 they were engaged. I am not saying one data point proves anything, but given that it is atypical FWB situation, he should get some leeway. Some people get burned and think to themselves "I will never get into another relationship again, I am going to become THE PLAYA!" and then try that approach only to see it's not for them. I would give it a couple of more months and then bail if nothing changes. Oh and I would look for other options to date too. Race is not always irrelevant. Especially when we know the OP pedestalizes white men. Race can play a part in some interactions. Ive seen situations and been involved in situations where a girl will hang out and spend time with a dude, but not date him because she doesnt see herself ending up with him in the long run...and sometimes its because of race or culture....she had an idea in her head of who she should end up with one day, so she writes off a guy she does click with. Not saying thats whats going on in OPs case....but youd be surprised how many times ive heard or read white guys saying they only wanna settle down with a white woman but would date other chicks casually beforehand. Point being, things like race, weight, height, etc can play a large factor into two peoples relationship.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I think he could be right, too. I already said in my original post in this thread that most of the time I think the basic scenario the OP is describing means trouble. But that people can't just blanketly condem all situations in which a person isn't 'sure' at the start of things; too many situations turn out differently. I'm speaking out against the "dissent is not to be tolerated' thing. Plus general know-it-all-knowness of some posters, something that is particularly pronounced in Ninja. I actually don't dislike Ninja, really. But damn if he doesn't insist on the absolute, undeniable truth of his assessment of every situation. What the hell? Be normal, please. From my perspective I'm just expressing the facts, that's all I'm really concerned with giving people the "reality" and the way it is, my personal opinions/emotions are expressed in blogs/journals not really here on the forums as crazy as that sounds.
Jane2011 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) Skimmed your post, Ninja. I think you mean well. Although saying you get your analysis from "yourself" and "your own thinking" and that it exists completely without consideration to external factors or experiences -- I don't believe. Pretty much everyone develops their outlook and perspective on things from an amalgamation of things, including what they observe in others. The only way I'd believe it all comes from just you, your individual brain, and your individual heart (and absolutely nothing else), is if you've never been in contact with the outside world, the media, etc., or people in general at all. And I know you have. You couldn't make it all come from just you even if you tried. Your thoughts are rooted in some emotion, also, even if you deny it. Doesn't have to be 'girly emotion' which is what you seem to be poking around when you talk about 'emotion' that you believe other posters write from. Maybe your emotion is coming from a different place, but there's emotion there. You're not some robot or god; don't try to make it sound like you are not susceptible to the same things normal people are, like having things come from a place of passion or strong feeling. You also said a bunch about people settling for relationships that aren't really all there, heart-wise,and that are just emotionally unsatisfying. And you ask "why would you want to encourage someone to do that?" Nobody's encouraging anyone to have bad relationships or to settle for emotional turmoil. None of the people in this thread who have said "Well, who knows, it may turn out well...it's not unheard of for a person to be unsure at first but then become more sure..." have said "Stay in the relationship even if it's a lot of heartache, bull****, and emotional dissatisfaction for you." Don't turn things into something they are not. The point we are trying to make is that some relationships, after starting off with some rockiness, can actually take a turn for the better. And 'better' -- in the context I and others are talking about -- means fulfilling and happy. How is that encouraging others to settle for emotionally unsatisfying relationships? Edited April 30, 2012 by Jane2011
Jane2011 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Ninja, I'll say too that only now are you claiming that it all comes from you and your sitting at home pondering about things. But you can't deny this: (I could go through tons of your recent posts and find tons of this) "in my experiences" or "I know from experience" or "I've seen so many couples..." "I know so many men who"..."I myself have..." Your advice doesn't come purely from 'pondering' and 'contemplating'. It comes from all that other stuff too.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 How is that encouraging others to settle for emotionally unsatisfying relationships? Because you're saying that this is tolerable and ok to be treated like this, as long as It's for a little while and it's possible it could still turn out for the best. You encourage other women to victimize themselves with men who the vast majority will not ultimately commit and value them. And in the worst case scenario leave them irreversibly scarred and damaged from actually being able to give and trust and love in a relationship worthwhile. Tell me how that improves their self-esteem and self-worth? Would you be giving that same advice to your daughter? "Mom, my bfs cheating on me or wants to be with other girls while he keeps me around on the side, should I stay or go?" "Well honey, not all relationships start based off love, trust and commitment, sometimes you've got to get put through the ringer before a boy decides that you're special and you're the only one...as long as he's having sex with you and doing little sweet things like kissing you on the forehead and spending three day weekends with you then there's still a chance" I mean really Jane2011? how is that not rofl? What isn't crystal clear about that? Why would you put yourself through that let alone expect someone else to? Is that just the way it goes sometimes? Hell...even If It did "work out" whatever that means anyway, is that what we're shooting for here or that just the way it goes sometimes? Like I said, If that's your version of love and romance knock yourself out, go through those "rocky" and "ups and downs" so many women experience in their love lives...but for myself and someone who has greatly inflicted damage upon women, I thoroughly realize that's not acceptable not just from common sense but from my own experience and seeing, talking with other men that have done similar and the same, and whether this is acceptable or not to you Is something the OP and any other woman has to decide for themselves. And you tell me I'm painting the roses red? 4
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Ninja, I'll say too that only now are you claiming that it all comes from you and your sitting at home pondering about things. But you can't deny this: (I could go through tons of your recent posts and find tons of this) "in my experiences" or "I know from experience" or "I've seen so many couples..." "I know so many men who"..."I myself have..." Your advice doesn't come purely from 'pondering' and 'contemplating'. It comes from all that other stuff too. You misunderstood, It's about concentrating on the "facts", "truth" about love, life and human behavior...I'm not basing my opinions based off for example a religion, an ideal, or emotional attachment but what I think is "real" beyond all of that, just what is actually happening in the real world not my own head, It's practical and has to make sense and a connection to human nature/emotion, something that people can relate to because deep-down they've know the truth themselves and have seen it played out in their own experience as well, the problem is people delude that because they're still holding on to something. I'm not trying to motivate you to preach my writings/text for example, I'm basically standing over it and filtering all the material that makes things "confusing" and "complicated".
Jane2011 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Because you're saying that this is tolerable and ok to be treated like this, as long as It's for a little while and it's possible it could still turn out for the best. You encourage other women to victimize themselves with men who the vast majority will not ultimately commit and value them. And in the worst case scenario leave them irreversibly scarred and damaged from actually being able to give and trust and love in a relationship worthwhile. Tell me how that improves their self-esteem and self-worth? Did you not read what I said about the *OP's* situation? Here. I'll post it for you: (read it, goddamit; don't just make up stuff) "Not to say I have an absolute, definite assessment of what the OP's guy is all about (who knows?)" "I would never tell a woman to bank on being the exception rather than the rule. Most of the time in these situations, I'd tell her to get out altogether, or be wary and self-protecting, at least. " How is that me encouraging the OP to put up with anything? And the examples I gave. It was a *man* who was in the vulnerable position. I didn't encourage a woman to do anything. And I didn't encourage a man either. And the situation I mentioned in which a woman was in the vulnerable position, I didn't even know the woman. I didn't encourage her toward anything. Don't tell me who I'm encouraging and not encouraging. Nobody -- and I mean nobody -- tells me I'm encouraging people who I'm not encouraging
Jane2011 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 You misunderstood, It's about concentrating on the "facts", "truth" about love, life and human behavior...I'm not basing my opinions based off for example a religion, an ideal, or emotional attachment but what I think is "real" beyond all of that, just what is actually happening in the real world not my own head, It's practical and has to make sense and a connection to human nature/emotion, something that people can relate to because deep-down they've know the truth themselves and have seen it played out in their own experience as well, the problem is people delude that because they're still holding on to something. I'm not trying to motivate you to preach my writings/text for example, I'm basically standing over it and filtering all the material that makes things "confusing" and "complicated". I understand what you are trying to say. And I don't doubt that you do try to be objective and tell the truth and reflect reality. But other people are doing the same thing. The fact that they throw in some experiences they know of (something you do, too, as reflected by the phrases I mentioned above) doesn't negate that they are also trying to be truthful and honest and to reflect reality and to not have everything come from a place of personal emotion. Being objective means looking at things outside of one's self. No one in this thread said, "Well, the guy I wanted to be with didn't treat me right at first, but I really wanted to be with him, so I hung in there, and I think you should too...because maybe you can get what I wish I could have gotten." People just said "hmm, yeah, I've seen it work for some people outside of myself. Ya never know." I think you mean well, but you constantly insist that your advice is superior to others because it's "the truth" and "reality" that "other people ignore." Not really... Your truth and reality are no more actual truth and reality than anyone else's. I don't, for the life of me, know why you think they are.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Did you not read what I said about the *OP's* situation? Here. I'll post it for you: (read it, goddamit; don't just make up stuff) "Not to say I have an absolute, definite assessment of what the OP's guy is all about (who knows?)" "I would never tell a woman to bank on being the exception rather than the rule. Most of the time in these situations, I'd tell her to get out altogether, or be wary and self-protecting, at least. " How is that me encouraging the OP to put up with anything? And the examples I gave. It was a *man* who was in the vulnerable position. I didn't encourage a woman to do anything. And I didn't encourage a man either. And the situation I mentioned in which a woman was in the vulnerable position, I didn't even know the woman. I didn't encourage her toward anything. Don't tell me who I'm encouraging and not encouraging. Nobody -- and I mean nobody -- tells me I'm encouraging people who I'm not encouraging key phrase : "Most of the time in these situations" You do realize that 99 percent of women think they are the exception to the rule? "Most of the time in these situations, I'd tell her to get out altogether, or be wary and self-protecting, at least. " But you didn't really... Then you started going on about how you've seen situations work before out of this circumstance and there is still hope... That's what I mean by encouraging.. Anyway, I don't want to argue about this, I don't like hijacking peoples posts and getting all off-topic...I said my piece. 1
Jane2011 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 key phrase : "Most of the time in these situations" You do realize that 99 percent of women think they are the exception to the rule? "Most of the time in these situations, I'd tell her to get out altogether, or be wary and self-protecting, at least. " But you didn't really... Then you started going on about how you've seen situations work before out of this circumstance and there is still hope... That's what I mean by encouraging.. Anyway, I don't want to argue about this, I don't like hijacking peoples posts and getting all off-topic...I said my piece. Yeah, of course, it's "most of the time in these situations" because I'd listen to the details and advise accordingly. I can't say "all of the time" because there may well be a situation that I think has some potential (usually one in which the alleged 'mistreatment' is questionably even mistreatment at all) And how do you know what "most" is to me? How do you know most isn't 99 times out of 100? You're assuming my "most" is 60% of the time or something. Don't assume. And my subsequent examples of it working out for some people is "encouraging" from YOUR POV. That's because you're passionately on your own side and see everything that other people have to say (even if it's just trying to bring balance to a discussion, to bring other possibilities to the table) as somehow derailing your "truth" and "reality". If you're seeing my examples as "encouraging," it's all on you. But unless I say to the OP: "OP, here's what you should do. Stick around and hang in there even if there's a lot of heartache...." then don't tell me I'm encouraging anybody. I mentioned the examples because I think it's important for a thread that has a bunch of "Get out for sure" comments to see some alternative points of view, especially if reality has sometimes shown the opposite of what the posters are saying. Believe me, if the thread had been full of "give him a chance" posts before mine, it's VERY likely I would have posted with a "Guys, guys, you have to consider that a lot of women hang in there and then get hurt. I know plenty of women who have done it and regretted sticking around."
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