Why are guys like this?

[DuchessKaye]

 

It happens just about any way you can imagine. But I've noticed that the strongest relationships are often the ones that were rocky at the start and had a lot of push and pull in them.

 

I conquer with you Johan...

[johan]

I conquer with you Johan...

 

Yes! You and I. We dominate!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yes! You and I. We dominate!

 

You're basically just fishing her the kind of information she is seeking to be ok with this...which is confusing, does this guy remind of yourself and instead of having to admit what you did to someone you can add some smoke and mirrors and hypothesize about some improbable and really makes-no-sense theories so that you can feel justified in your past actions?

 

But really, how great of an idea do you really have of what will happen next? This is another scenario of the blind leading the blind...I'm surprised you're not one of the "optimistic" girlfriend of her or the guy that's actually doing this to her. The only real conclusion therefore you both can really settle on with any kind of agreement is the "unknown", the "well just see what happens folk"...how many people have been kicked in the rear based on that practice? too many to count!

 

Here's what will happen next...unless this guy is from another planet not called earth, he's settled into his decision, the reason he's keeping her on the "front-burner", If you even want to distinguish what kind of burner you're on...like it makes a difference in the big picture, then he's doing this partially out of obligation that they were good "friends" before and the fact that he cares for her...woopdee doo someone give the man an award for having human emotions and actually showing affection and care for a human being...that must clearly mean he's developing stronger emotions...over time, and she'll help him thrust right through that insecurity of his and one day wake up and realize she's everything he's ever wanted! ::fireworks:: what a load of bull****, the fact that another man is feeding her that BS when we full well know it doesn't work that way is one thing Johan, being naive and thinking you can change a person and how they feel is expected from what you see happening in the real world however. In fact Johan you said you were in this guys shoes before, well guess what? look where the girl is at now...not married or in a relationship with you I'd gather? no, no, no...that can't be proof.

 

I could sit here all day and tell women exactly what they want to hear and lead them to that broken path that "who knows where it will go from here" but I'd rather be realistic based on what actually happens in the real world the VAST MAJORITY of the time If not almost all of the time.

 

The fact of the matter is men seeking to use women love the lack of pressure, serious conversation, and just going with the flow hoping it will change idea. That buys them time to get what they want and need before dumping you off on the side of the road once they're ready to move on. If he really cared for her and was really her friend he wouldn't string her and her emotions along while he gets his full and seeks out his own desires of self fulfillment.

 

The more she bends, the more he loses respect for her...the more he feels like he should continue doing what he is doing...It's like confirmation for his behavior and just because he treats her well, spends time with her and sexes her up doesn't mean he's going to fall for her, because he would have already done that by now...and that is an issue with women, they feel like just because the guy doesn't piss in her face 24 hours day that he must not be using her or taking advantage.

 

You're a big girl and want to settle?....that's fine

 

You want to stick around hoping he'll change and be exclusive with you?...take a number, there's others in line.

 

You want to pride yourself in heartbreak and rejection like it's some badge of honor instead of saving yourself from it?...go right ahead, leave your life backwards If you want to.

 

You're not going to "help" him with his insecurity issues, you're going to get used up and drained in the process.

 

And for the love of bob, why do people think every man that uses a woman is a player? this dummy isn't a player, he's doing everything retarded like and can't even come up with a half-hearted excuse/reason when she presses him about his emotions, she's the one playing herself.

 

You know what would happen If you pressed him for how he felt? he would eventually tell you the truth, because this guy isn't a player and he'd crack but you know why you wont do that? because you're not that big of a girl to accept the truth.

 

All the excuses and reasons you have made for this guy are typical of women who drag themselves through situations where they hope the guy will be exclusive with them...look at the world around you, the tale of your pseudo open relationship are as common as gas stations.

 

It's just baffling to me how a human being can have everything explained to them and it all makes sense, it adds up If they really want to face the truth but they'd rather turn a blind eye and believe in this weird non-existent reality that only they live in.

 

In fact just say you know you're being used and will be pushed aside at a later time, albeit with some sprinkled in genuine thoughts and emotions on his part that aren't quite clear....at least that shows some self-awareness and realistic thinking to what you're actually apart of. He's telling you what he wants so he can take off the leash and let the dog loose but he wants you to realize that you don't own it, you're just able to play with it during your designated time...there's no confusion.

Edited April 30, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[USMCHokie]

It's just baffling to me how a human being can have everything explained to them and it all makes sense, it adds up If they really want to face the truth but they'd rather turn a blind eye and believe in this weird non-existent reality that only they live in.

 

In fact just say you know you're being used and will be pushed aside at a later time, albeit with some sprinkled in genuine thoughts and emotions on his part that aren't quite clear....at least that shows some self-awareness and realistic thinking to what you're actually apart of. He's telling you what he wants so he can take off the leash and let the dog loose but he wants you to realize that you don't own it, you're just able to play with it during your designated time...there's no confusion.

 

But the guy's WHITE!!!! :eek:

 

 

But all kidding aside, this is exactly what I saw in college with the Asian girls who idolized white dudes. The guys could treat them like absolute sh*t, and the girls would stick around because they thought these guys were the greatest creatures to walk the Earth...

 

Asian men are often stereotyped as timid and lacking in self-confidence and even self-respect...well this is the Asian woman's version of the same phenomenon...no self-respect...

[DuchessKaye]

But the guy's WHITE!!!! :eek:

 

Ohh, you're really still on it uhh...

 

Anyway, me too. Tis the fact that I can't get over too.

 

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sorry Hokie, his race is irrelevant (and so is yours).

 

This is not a typical FWB, they actually spend quite a bit of time together. This guy could be out and hunting for others in the prime hunting time (fri and sat night) but he chooses to spend it with OP.

 

I have just seen my friend get married where a R started like this, probably a bit worse than this actually. By month 6 he was fully committed and exclusive. By month 12 they were engaged. I am not saying one data point proves anything, but given that it is atypical FWB situation, he should get some leeway.

 

Some people get burned and think to themselves "I will never get into another relationship again, I am going to become THE PLAYA!" and then try that approach only to see it's not for them.

 

I would give it a couple of more months and then bail if nothing changes. Oh and I would look for other options to date too.

[USMCHokie]

Ohh, you're really still on it uhh...

 

Yes, because it will always be funny to me. And telling, especially in this case.

[DuchessKaye]

but you know why you wont do that? because you're not that big of a girl to accept the truth.

 

Wow, isn't it too much of being judgmental?

 

-----------------------------------------

If only Eve didn't eat that evil fruit... Geez...

[mesmerized]

Ohh, you're really still on it uhh...

 

Anyway, me too. Tis the fact that I can't get over too.

 

 

There is no other white guy you can go for/be with???

 

I don't understand how being white is such a huge deal to you. Besides white guys are everywhere, it's not like they are some rare species. Break up with this one and go after another one, problem solved.

[DuchessKaye]

There is no other white guy you can go for/be with???

 

I don't understand how being white is such a huge deal to you. Besides white guys are everywhere, it's not like they are some rare species. Break up with this one and go after another one, problem solved.

 

I'm just joking around with Hokie, you kner?

 

I've already wrote this on one of my comments. I am pretty confident that I can find another white dude. They are not rare I know. But I really liked what I had from this guy and can't just weed him out right off and jump to another man quickly.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hokie is ASIAN?

 

I never noticed.

 

Now I will never flirt with him again.

[Jane2011]

I think it has to do with the people involved and their priorities. Not everyone is ready for something serious when the opportunity comes up. It's not uncommon for people to resist committing. It's often a good sign if people don't jump right in. It's not always a sign that the person they are with is a second-best choice. Sometimes they don't know within two months how important that person will ultimately be in their life. And it's not a bad thing if a relationship isn't the absolute highest priority. When the relationship happens, that's evidence that they have found someone worth changing priorities for.

 

It happens just about any way you can imagine. But I've noticed that the strongest relationships are often the ones that were rocky at the start and had a lot of push and pull in them.

 

I have no idea if this is one of those situations. But people shouldn't rule it out based on what DK has written so far.

 

Not to say I have an absolute, definite assessment of what the OP's guy is all about (who knows?), but gonna give a quick nod to johan's way of thinking. Relationships start in all kinds of ways; not all conform to perfect health and happiness from day one til happily ever after.

 

I used to work for a guy who'd been with his wife for seven years (and they were clearly committed and happy with each other). He and I used to talk on a personal level toward the end of the work day, about various things. He told me he was pretty much a dick to his wife the first year they were dating because he just wasn't ready to commit or settle down. (e.g. he wouldn't spend as much time with her as she wanted, etc., was just a dick in other ways, too, he said). She hung in there, and he shaped up. She got a ring and wife status. I know other couples who have started out this way, too.

 

I would never tell a woman to bank on being the exception rather than the rule. Most of the time in these situations, I'd tell her to get out altogether, or be wary and self-protecting, at least.

 

Just saying...people should stop ignoring that some relationships start out rocky. One of my best female friends was being wishy-washy with her boyfriend for the first three months of their relationship. (She wouldn't let him call her his 'girlfriend' to anyone at the time; she half wanted to still see other guys). They kept on and worked through it all. Still together and exclusive a year and a half later; she's 5 X more sure about him now. They live together; they're Facebook official, all of it.

 

If her guy had asked for advice on this board, people would have said: "She won't even let you call her your girlfriend after three months? She has notions of dating other guys still? You need to drop her and find someone who actually takes you seriously."

 

Instead, they're together and happy, and all of us (including me) are pathetic Loveshack people. lol.

Edited April 30, 2012 by Jane2011

[johan]

You're basically just fishing her the kind of information she is seeking to be ok with this...which is confusing, does this guy remind of yourself and instead of having to admit what you did to someone you can add some smoke and mirrors and hypothesize about some improbable and really makes-no-sense theories so that you can feel justified in your past actions?

 

Wow. You seem to really have an investment here. I assume I should feel I've been put in my place.

 

You're telling me what my own strategy is? I'm "fishing" her what I think she wants to hear? In other words I'm being disingenuous for some reason? Dishonest? Maybe I'm being naive?

 

Before I terminate my LS account in shame having had you reveal me to myself, I should at least answer your question: The actual fact is what I said was my honest opinion. And it belongs here on this thread next to yours. And it's entirely possible what I said is the actual state of things. I didn't say I was right. I only said there is another explanation besides the ones others are screaming at her. (Your post is like an extremely long scream.) Unlike you, I don't post thinking I just channeled the Almighty.

 

I read the original post, and I gave her my take on the situation. No agenda.

 

But really, how great of an idea do you really have of what will happen next? This is another scenario of the blind leading the blind...I'm surprised you're not one of the "optimistic" girlfriend of her or the guy that's actually doing this to her. The only real conclusion therefore you both can really settle on with any kind of agreement is the "unknown", the "well just see what happens folk"...how many people have been kicked in the rear based on that practice? too many to count!

 

I'm anything but blind. But like you, I have zero idea what will happen next. And anything is possible. Anything including what you described in your anointed opinion.

 

Here's what will happen next...unless this guy is from another planet not called earth, he's settled into his decision, the reason he's keeping her on the "front-burner", If you even want to distinguish what kind of burner you're on...like it makes a difference in the big picture, then he's doing this partially out of obligation and the fact that he cares for her...woopdee doo someone give the man an award for having human emotions and actually showing affection and care for a human being...that must clearly mean he's developing stronger emotions...over time, and she'll help him thrust right through that insecurity of his and one day wake up and realize she's everything he's ever wanted! ::fireworks:: what a load of bull****, the fact that another man is feeding her that BS when we full well know it doesn't work that way is one thing Johan, being naive and thinking you can change a person and how they feel is expected from what you see happening in the real world however.

 

I know as well as you do that you have no idea what will happen next. Maybe you're right or maybe you're wrong. But you don't know him and you don't know her. And you don't know me, and I'm trying to figure out.... what exactly DO you know? Come to think of it, you know your own experiences, (which at this point I am wondering what they actually amount to, because real life often works out much differently from how you describe). Just like I know mine. And in the end you just have opinions. Which she would be smart to take with a grain of salt, because you seem to be VERY invested in them and you may not be giving her an objective point of view.

 

It's not naive to think that this could work out. It is definitely naive to count on it. Just like it's cynical to write it off. And I never told her to count on it or write it off. I just gave her my opinion based on my experience and based on what I've seen in relationships of family members and friends.

 

I could sit here all day...

 

That's what I thought when I considered reading the rest of what you wrote. I decided not to. Sorry.

 

If you think I post opinions that are not to be respected, I can't help but tell you you're wrong. When I'm being serious, I put as much into what I write as you do. I just write less because I have respect for the people who have to read it all. You don't have to agree. I might be wrong. But I can say honestly I'm not here to show off my cynicism.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My bro and his gf started the same. He got out of a LTR was badly hurt and not ready for anything. For the first year, they were casual. Gf wanted more but he even refused to call her his gf and didn't want to introduce her to his friends. She would just come to his house 2x a week to bang and leave.

 

Now, they have been together for nearly 3 years, official in every way, live together and he is getting ready to pop the question.

[Jane2011]

Public Service Announcement to all:

 

Be reasonable! Be reasonable!

 

Don't act like you know for absolute sure what the situation is and how it will play out.

 

You're just reading text. You don't have the nuances of her actual situation. I'm not saying advice can't be given. Just don't sound so know-it-all about it.

 

Like johan said above, probably half the predictions people make about situations written about on LS don't turn out the way the predictor(s) said they would.

 

Ninja told me I was going to get swept up in a loss of my sense of self and be totally consumed by a guy I wrote about two weeks ago. That I would be on a downward spiral of womanly weakness and vulnerability to a desirable man. Instead, I've just been at home, chilling.

[USMCHokie]

Hokie is ASIAN?

 

I never noticed.

 

Now I will never flirt with him again.

 

You know words have meaning, right...? And sometimes words hurt...? :(

[ForgetMeNots]

It's one of those things where this can end up turning really good if they commit later if given more time, or really bad if they find someone else they feel are more compatible to commit to and afraid of losing. It is a gamble, and I am not a gambling woman. But if you feel the odds are in your favor, then continue. You have been given the good and bad aspects from other posters. Though I believe everyone is unique and different in their own way, and that maybe there is alittle more to the story,because his actions are speaking differently than what he is saying. (Though it could be because of the sex tbh. It makes ppl do crazy things. I always here though that what a guy says, he means. But he backs up his words with actions. Sex is more of actions that do not necessarily lead to promises and may just leave confusion if boundaries werent made in the beginning of the relationship. It may give the feeling of exclusiveness and enhance thoughts and bondings that are just temporary because of the sex and bonding hormones involved. He may not want to be exclusive just yet for one reason as to sorting himself out and making sure he genuinely likes you and not just the sex and that could be why he doesnt want to commit. I mean, this is 2 months in and depending on when yall started engaging in le act, LTR arent made to have sex so soon depending on the individual and their raisings. Though imo, isnt fair for you at 2 months to know if you are his gf or not. Unless he somehow fears the big title is like marriage in someway. Still unfair and not right. I would suggest cut having sex with him for both of you to clear your heads and reevalute what both of you really mean to each other. Are you special to him than other girls without the sex? If sex was out of the equation, would he commit to you or drop you like a hot cake? If he is really hung up emotionally on fear of commitment and needs to figure himself out then this time period of Without will help him reach a sincere conclusion. It isnt fair for you to wait and be used till he reaches a conclusion later that he doesnt want to be used when you can be with someone who Does want to commit to you and be more apart of your life in more ways than you can imagine. )

 

Best of luck on your situation.

[fortyninethousand322]

Like johan said above, probably half the predictions people make about situations written about on LS don't turn out the way the predictor(s) said they would.

 

Everything in life is 50-50: either it'll happen or it won't. Works for rain, the lottery, NFL playoff games, LS relationship issues, job prospects. It's all 50% chance.

[mesmerized]

Everything in life is 50-50: either it'll happen or it won't. Works for rain, the lottery, NFL playoff games, LS relationship issues, job prospects. It's all 50% chance.

 

:lmao: You clearly are awful in math and statistics.

[Jane2011]

:lmao: You clearly are awful in math and statistics.

 

lol, I know. I wasn't quite sure what to say to him.

[DuchessKaye]

It's one of those things where this can end up turning really good if they commit later if given more time, or really bad if they find someone else they feel are more compatible to commit to and afraid of losing. It is a gamble, and I am not a gambling woman. But if you feel the odds are in your favor, then continue. You have been given the good and bad aspects from other posters. Though I believe everyone is unique and different in their own way, and that maybe there is alittle more to the story,because his actions are speaking differently than what he is saying. (Though it could be because of the sex tbh. It makes ppl do crazy things. I always here though that what a guy says, he means. But he backs up his words with actions. Sex is more of actions that do not necessarily lead to promises and may just leave confusion if boundaries werent made in the beginning of the relationship. It may give the feeling of exclusiveness and enhance thoughts and bondings that are just temporary because of the sex and bonding hormones involved. He may not want to be exclusive just yet for one reason as to sorting himself out and making sure he genuinely likes you and not just the sex and that could be why he doesnt want to commit. I mean, this is 2 months in and depending on when yall started engaging in le act, LTR arent made to have sex so soon depending on the individual and their raisings. Though imo, isnt fair for you at 2 months to know if you are his gf or not. Unless he somehow fears the big title is like marriage in someway. Still unfair and not right. I would suggest cut having sex with him for both of you to clear your heads and reevalute what both of you really mean to each other. Are you special to him than other girls without the sex? If sex was out of the equation, would he commit to you or drop you like a hot cake? If he is really hung up emotionally on fear of commitment and needs to figure himself out then this time period of Without will help him reach a sincere conclusion. It isnt fair for you to wait and be used till he reaches a conclusion later that he doesnt want to be used when you can be with someone who Does want to commit to you and be more apart of your life in more ways than you can imagine. )

 

Best of luck on your situation.

 

FMN, thanks for this heartfelt post. I was crying while reading this and I just dunno why...

[fortyninethousand322]

:lmao: You clearly are awful in math and statistics.

 

lol, I know. I wasn't quite sure what to say to him.

 

I might not be a mathist or a countist, but I do make most of my life decisions by rolling a pair of loaded dice.

[Ninjainpajamas]

My bro and his gf started the same. He got out of a LTR was badly hurt and not ready for anything. For the first year, they were casual. Gf wanted more but he even refused to call her his gf and didn't want to introduce her to his friends. She would just come to his house 2x a week to bang and leave.

 

Now, they have been together for nearly 3 years, official in every way, live together and he is getting ready to pop the question.

 

This isn't a justification of a success to me...men and women can both settle and end up in relationships regardless of the situation...I never underestimate a woman's will and determination sticking around hoping that said guy will settle into a relationship.

 

I've also seen dozens of relationship that materialized out of chaos that went on for several years, ending because ultimately the guy was pressured or under emotional pressure and idolized a woman as his savior for sticking through thick and thin.

 

The fact that most men could have married many and for some men all of the women they've done this to by settling in no ways signifies to me that some relationships just start out this way. It's in my opinion that men can buckle under the pressure of women eventually If they stick around long enough...however I don't place a high value on that, that's the reason that these relationships exist because any level-headed, self-respecting person would have likely ran for the hills during this process but instead took the long and painful road of holding out...almost like waiting out a tornado or storm but instead of days or hours it could equal years and in most situations do because men fight and struggle but I've seen a lot of men lack the confident and ability to be honest with women to move on, which Is why I do see some men after burning through other women settle with the one that stuck around...what happens If two women fight over the same man? who's the "winner" in that case? I've been that man before.

 

I speak from a great deal of experience and understanding, regardless of whether people think it's true in it's entirety is irrelevant...because I know ultimately people are going to do what they want to do, that's what people do. I merely go out of my way to extend the truth (which is your internal intuition and how you know better, not some mythical bible of truth) as I know and see it, what you want to do with that and how or what you want to disregard is up to the individual...honestly I'm not trying to convince anyone more than have them think...there is a ultimate truth that I believe in and speak of (because we are all human and share an understanding that we usually deny for the sake of our emotions), however unlike others I don't use others relationships or people that I know to validate the truth of something, I look at everything as unbiasedly as possible not let my emotions haze what is really happening...after all emotions are the X factor and what situation can't they allow?

 

But ultimately the way people think and how they feel whether they realize or admit it or not is something they'll have to live with. People are always so surprised when things turn out the way they do even though all the red flags were there, but what's the point in reading the flags If you don't do anything about it?

 

Bottom line speaking from what she has said about her relationship with this guy, I'm fairly confident in the outcome of this situation...not because my sisters brothers cousin was in this same exact scenario and everything worked out because they were together for a whopping 3.5 years...which obviously means everything work out? doubtful but I don't know the words from their mouth, what people say themselves means more than someone else telling me about it.

[Jane2011]

Everything in life is 50-50: either it'll happen or it won't. Works for rain, the lottery, NFL playoff games, LS relationship issues, job prospects. It's all 50% chance.

 

Actually, I wish you were right about the lottery being 50/50.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Are you saying the probability of me winning the lottery is 50%?

 

If I buy a couple of tickets, that should have me covered