johan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 At the time all the discussion took place, he wouldn't have said it was a problem if you dated other guys. He would have said it honestly and believed his own words. But the realization that you really are following through and seeing others was a shock to his ego. No guy wants to share a woman, regardless of whether he wants to be exclusively hers.
Radu Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 He used to be my friend, my best friend, before we started dating... And no, I didn't drop my whole weekend right away. We used to hang out together before he asked me out for 'REAL DATES'. Desperate and clingy? He was the one who wanted this set up. At first, I didn't like it, but he made me like it for giving me the real best for every dates we had. He's real sweet, caring and everything. My friends were even teasing me telling me "He's treating you like a queen in front of the public huh." (But actually I'm his slave elsewhere... ) If being treated like a queen is what impresses you and your friends, you have some serious growing up to do. Here, look up this word ... orbiter.
johan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 He does not think you are worthy of exclusivity. Please move on or become his f****ing FWB. He might have just thought he could deal with it, but didn't know what it would really entail. He could easily come to terms with the idea that she actually is great to be around and dating around isn't getting him very far. He could decide that being exclusive isn't such a bad idea after all.
Radu Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 If being treated like a queen is what impresses you and your friends, you have some serious growing up to do. Here, look up this word ... orbiter. There ya go, orbiter.
JesseJames Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Yeah? No more comb-overs on the bald spots. Yous is best friends yous can work it oot, I figger.
Radu Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Orbiter Quick Definition: A man who spends time with an [COLOR=#cc0000]HB[/COLOR] pretending to be their friend, though in truth he wants to sleep with her. Full Definition: [COLOR=#cc0000]Orbiters[/COLOR] are usually [COLOR=#cc0000]AFCs[/COLOR] who are interested in an [COLOR=#cc0000]HB[/COLOR], but afraid to show his feelings for her, or men who have already been rejected by the [COLOR=#cc0000]HB[/COLOR], who still cling onto the hope of getting into a sexual relationship. Attractive women often have [COLOR=#cc0000]orbiters[/COLOR] around them as [COLOR=#cc0000]social proof[/COLOR], back-up [COLOR=#cc0000]BFs[/COLOR] in case their current relationship fails, and as convenient “friends” to dump all their emotional problems on from their ******* [COLOR=#cc0000]boyfriends[/COLOR]. [COLOR=#cc0000]Orbiters[/COLOR] come in many shapes and sizes: The best friend: who has been in the [COLOR=#cc0000]friend zone[/COLOR] for way too long, and has for the most part given up on ****ing the [COLOR=#cc0000]HB[/COLOR]. His lingering feelings from the inability to [COLOR=#cc0000]close[/COLOR] her makes him a dangerous [COLOR=#cc0000]cockblock[/COLOR]. The cool friend: who may have wanted to **** her originally, but has since genuinely become her friend and moved on. He orbits because of the [COLOR=#cc0000]social value[/COLOR] she brings to him, and while if it came down it, he would **** her, he has for the most part moved on. The cool friend is befriend-able, and a [COLOR=#cc0000]pivot[/COLOR] here will help. The loser friend: a guy friend from childhood, or work, that the [COLOR=#cc0000]HB[/COLOR] does not want around but has no choice given the situation. Ignoring them is best.
starla33 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Spending an entire weekend together every weekend = boyfriend. If he doesn't think so then please find someone else. There really isn't anything you can do to make him commit at this point.
lino Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 If you continue to stay with this guy after he repeatedly refused to be exclusive with you, whatever happens from then on, is on you. It has nothing to do with what ' guys are like' 2
johan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Funny how certain threads bring out the "tell it like it is" crowd. Like being blunt and almost rude to someone on the internet is an excuse to roam around the house pounding on your chest. I've been in the shoes of the guy she's dating, and I wouldn't conclude he's a player. I also don't think a guy spends that much time with a woman who he doesn't like. A "player" wouldn't, unless he wasn't doing a whole lot of playing. He could easily have spoken too soon when he said he didn't want to be exclusive. Maybe had other women expressing interest. Or maybe he was playing the "don't jump in too soon" game because he's insecure. In my experience, any woman I spend nights and a series of entire weekends with is a "front-burner" girl, whether I want to admit it or not. I won't be letting go of her easily, and I'm not going to be pleased if she actually is dating others. 5
Author DuchessKaye Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Well, here's my thought. He probably didn't see it happening, he didn't think beforehand that I could also date around so that's why he didn't want to commit. Well I like him, I know he likes me too. If he doesn't, then there's no point in him spending time, energy and money for me. He's invested on us. And I still want to reconsider that maybe he just wanted to be sure and still need to figure out something? And now that he can feel he might lose me, he's threatened and that could be the reason why he was mad and he was just afraid to tell me what's going on his mind. I still don't have the urge to weed him out. I'm pretty much confident that I can find another guy, but I really liked what we had. If I will just ditch him without hearing his side and the real feelings that he has right now. I might sabotage the possibility to make this relationship work.
spiderowl Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 If a guy says he doesn't want a commitment, believe him. Usually a guy who says that doesn't. Waiting for him to realise his own feelings is a waste of time. If he thinks he is the prize and you are the one asking, he's going to mull it over or ignore it. Just leave him to it, if you want exclusivity. If you aren't bothered, then take what you want from the relationship. A guy getting jealous is not a sign of commitment. Guys usually want sexual exclusivity and its different from an exclusive girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. They don't want to think someone else is having sex with you too. It doesn't mean they care about you. I am not saying he doesn't care about you, though his behaviour would indicate that. At least you have tipped the balance by showing him you can date others too. If he is seeing other girls, you can see other guys too. You don't have to explain to him what you are doing with them; in fact, I'd leave that up to his imagination. If he cares, he will make a commitment if he thinks you are leaving him. The fact that you are considering dating others means that there is a chance you will leave him. He is feeling threatened. Whether he cares about you or not is still debatable but if you want him all to yourself, refuse to be with him unless that is the deal. He won't respect you as an equal unless you stand up for your rights. If he doesn't respect you, he won't commit. 3
johan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Well, here's my thought. He probably didn't see it happening, he didn't think beforehand that I could also date around so that's why he didn't want to commit. Well I like him, I know he likes me too. If he doesn't, then there's no point in him spending time, energy and money for me. He's invested on us. And I still want to reconsider that maybe he just wanted to be sure and still need to figure out something? And now that he can feel he might lose me, he's threatened and that could be the reason why he was mad and he was just afraid to tell me what's going on his mind. I still don't have the urge to weed him out. I'm pretty much confident that I can find another guy, but I really liked what we had. If I will just ditch him without hearing his side and the real feelings that he has right now. I might sabotage the possibility to make this relationship work. I wouldn't recommend forcing him into some big conversation. Give it some time. You've already gotten some pretty strong signals of how he feels. Keep doing what you're doing. If you are both really wanting to be exclusive, it will happen without some kind of heart-baring session that leaves you both feeling a bit pressured, and you might find he still isn't ready to classify the relationship in spite of his feelings. It has only been a couple of months after all. If after a while you find he has come to terms with the idea of you seeing others, then you'll have your answer. Be patient. You have leverage in this relationship, too.
Author DuchessKaye Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 I wouldn't recommend forcing him into some big conversation. Give it some time. You've already gotten some pretty strong signals of how he feels. Keep doing what you're doing. If you are both really wanting to be exclusive, it will happen without some kind of heart-baring session that leaves you both feeling a bit pressured, and you might find he still isn't ready to classify the relationship in spite of his feelings. It has only been a couple of months after all. If after a while you find he has come to terms with the idea of you seeing others, then you'll have your answer. Be patient. You have leverage in this relationship, too. Thanks. And that's what I'm going to do. I am not going to force him for anything. And yes, I'm going to give it a time. And if after a while I still can tell it's going somewhere, then quits? I'm a big girl already and I pride myself that I can handle rejection and heartbreak. I am just really confused at the moment about these mixed signals he is sending me.
starla33 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Thanks. And that's what I'm going to do. I am not going to force him for anything. And yes, I'm going to give it a time. And if after a while I still can tell it's going somewhere, then quits? I'm a big girl already and I pride myself that I can handle rejection and heartbreak. I am just really confused at the moment about these mixed signals he is sending me. Wouldn't you feel like you are wasting your time though? After 2 months you can tell if you want to be with someone or not. Stop being sexually exclusive with him and stop focusing on him and REALLY date other people. I mean really focus on others.
Radu Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Funny how certain threads bring out the "tell it like it is" crowd. Like being blunt and almost rude to someone on the internet is an excuse to roam around the house pounding on your chest. I've been in the shoes of the guy she's dating, and I wouldn't conclude he's a player. I also don't think a guy spends that much time with a woman who he doesn't like. A "player" wouldn't, unless he wasn't doing a whole lot of playing. He could easily have spoken too soon when he said he didn't want to be exclusive. Maybe had other women expressing interest. Or maybe he was playing the "don't jump in too soon" game because he's insecure. In my experience, any woman I spend nights and a series of entire weekends with is a "front-burner" girl, whether I want to admit it or not. I won't be letting go of her easily, and I'm not going to be pleased if she actually is dating others. Orbiters are not players, orbiters are guys in the friendzone who hang around a hot girl waiting for a chance to date her. They will hit when she is down, or she needs a boyfriend ... he is an option, just a low one for her. They eventually tend to shoot themselves in the foot because they kiss up to her, put her on a pedestal and get very jealous when other men are around her.
veggirl Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Funny how certain threads bring out the "tell it like it is" crowd. Like being blunt and almost rude to someone on the internet is an excuse to roam around the house pounding on your chest. :rolleyes: Okay Mr PeaceMaker. I've been in the shoes of the guy she's dating, and I wouldn't conclude he's a player. I also don't think a guy spends that much time with a woman who he doesn't like. A "player" wouldn't, unless he wasn't doing a whole lot of playing. He could easily have spoken too soon when he said he didn't want to be exclusive. Maybe had other women expressing interest. Or maybe he was playing the "don't jump in too soon" game because he's insecure. Then when she lined up other dates, he should've clarified that he "spoke too soon" and really did want her as a GF. It's been 2 mos, they spend all weekend together. If that's not enough for him to know, then he has issues OP would be best steering clear of. In my experience, any woman I spend nights and a series of entire weekends with is a "front-burner" girl, whether I want to admit it or not. I won't be letting go of her easily, and I'm not going to be pleased if she actually is dating others. And if you found out she was dating others, would you ask her for exclusivity? Or just pout that she won't be exclusive because she has been told by "you" that you won't? And I still want to reconsider that maybe he just wanted to be sure and still need to figure out something? And now that he can feel he might lose me, he's threatened and that could be the reason why he was mad and he was just afraid to tell me what's going on his mind. I still don't have the urge to weed him out. I'm pretty much confident that I can find another guy, but I really liked what we had. If I will just ditch him without hearing his side and the real feelings that he has right now. I might sabotage the possibility to make this relationship work. What are you thinking he needs to figure out? How long are you going to give him to figure this mysterious thing out? I'd figure that out asap, and stick to it. The fact that he ignored you after you said you wanted to talk about all this is pretty disturbing. I wouldn't recommend forcing him into some big conversation. Give it some time. You've already gotten some pretty strong signals of how he feels. Keep doing what you're doing. If you are both really wanting to be exclusive, it will happen without some kind of heart-baring session that leaves you both feeling a bit pressured, and you might find he still isn't ready to classify the relationship in spite of his feelings. It has only been a couple of months after all. If after a while you find he has come to terms with the idea of you seeing others, then you'll have your answer. Be patient. You have leverage in this relationship, too. Be patient. Keep having sex with the guy you want as a BF and hope that he someday comes around. Johan, what issues would make someone not "ready" to classify a relationship as exclusively dating if they really dig someone? I've never seen this LEGITIMATELY pan out in real life. I've heard loads of guys (and some girls) say they just aren't ready...none of those ever turned into real Rs though. Esp if it's already been 2 mos of consistent "hanging out" 1
Radu Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Thanks. And that's what I'm going to do. I am not going to force him for anything. And yes, I'm going to give it a time. And if after a while I still can tell it's going somewhere, then quits? I'm a big girl already and I pride myself that I can handle rejection and heartbreak. I am just really confused at the moment about these mixed signals he is sending me. When you get mixed signals, you give priority to actions. 1
veggirl Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) Thanks. And that's what I'm going to do. I am not going to force him for anything. And yes, I'm going to give it a time. And if after a while I still can tell it's going somewhere, then quits? I'm a big girl already and I pride myself that I can handle rejection and heartbreak. I am just really confused at the moment about these mixed signals he is sending me. Rule of thumb, when someone really likes you and is interested in having a relationship with you, signals aren't mixed-they are clear and easy to read. Edited April 30, 2012 by veggirl being nice ;) 3
Author DuchessKaye Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Rule of thumb, when someone really likes you and is interested in having a relationship with you, signals aren't mixed-they are clear and easy to read. Yes, I got yah! But aren't there 'some' people who are not good in giving hints/signals and are not good in speaking up their feelings because something in them prevent them to do so? One of the posters said that he's probably insecure. And I guess, I care enough for him to help him with his 'insecurity issue' if so.
johan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Then when she lined up other dates, he should've clarified that he "spoke too soon" and really did want her as a GF. It's been 2 mos, they spend all weekend together. If that's not enough for him to know, then he has issues OP would be best steering clear of. Maybe he should have. But he didn't. How often do young guys say or do exactly the right thing? Or even know what the right thing to do is? And if you found out she was dating others, would you ask her for exclusivity? Or just pout that she won't be exclusive because she has been told by "you" that you won't? I'm not sure I would pounce on her. I'd probably stew about it for a while. But if she was seeing others, and I knew I was somehow to blame, I'd make a move at some point. Be patient. Keep having sex with the guy you want as a BF and hope that he someday comes around. She never said she was having sex with him. ha ha... But she should think hard about whether he's sleeping with anyone else. If he is, the game changes a bit. If not, then there is no reason to worry and try to rush a commitment. Johan, what issues would make someone not "ready" to classify a relationship as exclusively dating if they really dig someone? I've never seen this LEGITIMATELY pan out in real life. I've heard loads of guys (and some girls) say they just aren't ready...none of those ever turned into real Rs though. Esp if it's already been 2 mos of consistent "hanging out" It's been two months. It's still a bit soon. Sometimes it's a game people play when they calculate it's likely to work out to their advantage. It could go either way. If she's ok with continuing the relationship, and she's able to be patient for a while, she'll find out where she stands. But I will say she would be smart to continue with the current arrangement. She shouldn't assume anything has really changed. They are not exclusive. Most guys give some thought to being a "player" at some point and even make moves in that direction, but find out they don't have it in them to be so detached. And getting dates isn't that easy.
kaylan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 He might have just thought he could deal with it, but didn't know what it would really entail. He could easily come to terms with the idea that she actually is great to be around and dating around isn't getting him very far. He could decide that being exclusive isn't such a bad idea after all. That sounds like settling to me. I wouldnt want to be with someone who had to "come around". I want someone to desire to be with me without push, shove, or drama.
USMCHokie Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) Yes, I got yah! But aren't there 'some' people who are not good in giving hints/signals and are not good in speaking up their feelings because something in them prevent them to do so? One of the posters said that he's probably insecure. And I guess, I care enough for him to help him with his 'insecurity issue' if so. There is absolutely nothing that could stop even the most insecure guy from performing actions that reflect his feelings...and his actions seem pretty clear here...you don't need secret codes, hints, or wink signals... Remember this, words don't mean sh*t...it's actions that count... Edited April 30, 2012 by USMCHokie 2
Author DuchessKaye Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 There is absolutely nothing that could stop even the most insecure guy from performing actions that reflect his feelings...and his actions seem pretty clear here...you don't need secret codes, hints, or wink signals... Remember this, words don't mean sh*t...it's actions that count... His actions do speak about how much he cares for me. He does things to keep me around. he does things to make me feel good. He didn't want lose me and I think he's starting to want more. It's actually his words that's causing me confusion...
veggirl Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Yes, I got yah! But aren't there 'some' people who are not good in giving hints/signals and are not good in speaking up their feelings because something in them prevent them to do so? One of the posters said that he's probably insecure. And I guess, I care enough for him to help him with his 'insecurity issue' if so. Why would he be insecure around you though? You said you told him you want to be exclusive etc. What is there to be insecure about? You are making excuses for him. Anyway, if he *truly* is that emotionally retarded (highly doubt that he is, it's a convenient excuse though), it's going to super affect any relationship you may be in with him. He'll be too scared and "insecure" to say ILY, so on and so forth. She never said she was having sex with him. ha ha... Yeah, she said they are "sexually exclusive" so they are having sex. Classic "I'm ready for sex but not a relationship". 1
johan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 That sounds like settling to me. I wouldnt want to be with someone who had to "come around". I want someone to desire to be with me without push, shove, or drama. I think it has to do with the people involved and their priorities. Not everyone is ready for something serious when the opportunity comes up. It's not uncommon for people to resist committing. It's often a good sign if people don't jump right in. It's not always a sign that the person they are with is a second-best choice. Sometimes they don't know within two months how important that person will ultimately be in their life. And it's not a bad thing if a relationship isn't the absolute highest priority. When the relationship happens, that's evidence that they have found someone worth changing priorities for. It happens just about any way you can imagine. But I've noticed that the strongest relationships are often the ones that were rocky at the start and had a lot of push and pull in them. I have no idea if this is one of those situations. But people shouldn't rule it out based on what DK has written so far. 2
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