Going Though a Tough one, Is there Hope?

[JoeyLove]

I am going on my 2nd week of a break up with my dream girl and Im really starting to lose my mind not talking to her. Im 28 years old and I have for the first time realized that the great guy that I am inside is not always portrayed on the outside. I have been going out with my girl for 3.5 years, she is younger than me, but very mature and def. the Ice to my fire. We have had an amazing relationship for the most part. The chemistry between us is great, we talk, we do all kinds of sports together, etc. However this woman has broken up with me in the past because of some behavior issues I have that are mostly due to immaturity. Not to mention her Father is very controlling and is def. out to keep his baby his forever(if you know the type). Her chief complaint the first time was that she feels I don't speak to my mother with respect and that I'm Rude and what not, which she is 100% correct. I moved back home to finish my med. program and its been a hard adjustment having parents around me a lot. I wrote her a really nice letter stating what she means to me and the fact that I was willing to do anything to fix this. A week later she got back to me not knowing how torn up she was the week apart, and also not knowing that her father was telling her this and that to make her confusion even worse. So he we are a year and half later and its been great up until around march. I will admit that this is 100% my fault although I wish she would communicate when these things bothered her. So on our three year Anniv. I took her out to dinner and we sat at the bar of an upscale rest. to get served faster. Instead of doing the right thing and making the whole day about her we "Watched a basketball game together" or at least I did. (huge mistake 1). She never said anything but how much she loved me and this and that in the following time. Now mind you this whole time this girl is making plans with me to buy a place, and get engaged in december. Then Easter rolled around and what did I do I show up late to her house because I watched a stupid golf tournament....I mean how dumb am I that I have an amazing woman and I choose TV instead of family. This combined with not improving my life at home with my mom, and just a few other immature moves, Has now led me to her breaking up with me again. This time she laid out so many things and really opened up to me. I finally realize the selfish, spoiled brat, I was showing her, even though she told me that deep down she knows im a great guy. I don't know what to do so I told myself that I need to be proactive about this. I don't know why I lash out when im stressed at my parents or Im so careless and complacent. I have made an appointment to see a behavior therapist to tackle some of these problems. I still feel this girl loves me, but tells me she needs time and that shes given me so many chances. I love her with all my heart and I know she knows that, but I pushed her away and she doesn't feel loved or in love she tells me, she said she wanted me to be her life partner so bad, but instead I choose myself. I feel shes fed up with me and Im lost....someone help me out, what do I do with someone who I feel I've made empty promises of change. I feel she can't trust me

[TaraMaiden]

Send her your post, marginally and suitably altered, as a letter.

Emphasise you're seeing a therapist, and ask her to help you come to grips with any perceived issues she feels exist.

It takes 2 to tango, and maybe there are things on her side that also need addressing....?

Suggest couples counselling too, to avoid future pitfalls.

 

Good luck.

[JoeyLove]

I would do that, but she threw the other letter that I wrote in my face....She told me she would not mind working on our friendship, shouldn't I tell her to her face these things you stated so it doesn't look like Im going the same route again.

[TaraMaiden]

you can try - but you should also ask her for a definite reason as to why precisely she's breaking up with you - and don't take anything like "well if you don't know by now, i can't tell you" as a legitimate comment.

but if it's over, and she says it's over, and there's no going back -

 

Then go No Contact.

And stay there.

[JoeyLove]

well I feel like she told me all the things I stated and she just feels that she wont marry someone unless shes sure it wont end in divorce. She seemed like the things I did gave her no choice, but then later on went into the fact that if I were to take her back right now id be stupid because shes not ready, and that she tried so hard and I made her feel stupid. I mean its pretty detailed the stuff she told me....but I asked her that Id like to show her I can change even if it meant being friends, because I wanted to earn this chance not just have it given to me....she replied by saying I can handle being friends which I think you can't, then went on to say that if I can handle being friends she wouldnt mind trying, I asked her to take a walk and talk with me next week which she agreed too, but I don't wanna push her ya know. I mean she was crying pretty hard when we were talking so I know she feels this

[TaraMaiden]

well I feel like she told me all the things I stated and she just feels that she wont marry someone unless shes sure it wont end in divorce.

This is an unrealistic and unintelligent remark to make.

Statistically, 50% of marriages end in divorce, but pre-marriage workshops and counselling can be extremely positive and constructive in helping couples recognise the pitfalls and teach them how to negotiate and compromise.

you relationship is far more likely to break down if -

 

• you lack constructive ways of communicating,
  
• you lack personal self-respect or respect for your partner, or
  
• there are trust issues.
  

 

Pre-marriage workshops and counselling can help couples deal with these three mainstays.

Marriage is like a well-oiled machine.

It needs comprehensive maintenance and upkeep.

 

 

....she replied by saying I can handle being friends which I think you can't, then went on to say that if I can handle being friends she wouldnt mind trying,

 

She's friend zoning you which - she's right - is far easier for the dumper, than the dumped person.

The dumper wants to break up but not hurt your feelings too much, because it eases their conscience and makes them feel less guilty...

"Better a bit of me than none at all..."

 

The dumped person maintains a friendship out of a sense of hope - desperation even - that they will somehow be able to re-kindle something, or have a second chance.

Neither works.

 

I think you need to cut your losses because even "walking and talking with her" is not going to change the fact that - no matter how much she cries, and how sad it makes you - it's pretty much over....

[JoeyLove]

Thanks for the honesty, I feel like Im going to talk to her if she has a positive reaction to this couples counseling, and or my own therapy will see, if not than like you said I guess i should just cut my losses...I just feel that in reality this really isnt what she wants, I feel she just thinks I don't or wont change.

[TaraMaiden]

Even if you break up, make changes anyway.

 

And make them for your own benefit, not anybody else's....