czen Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 My girlfriend (been in nearly a three month LDR with her), has had quite a tough past. She turned out pretty well, but at times it's quite clear she's still a bit emotionally unstable. I can deal with that, she's been getting better each day (we skype each other nearly each day), but there's one thing that is bugging me. Like a year ago, she'd been raped. She told me a few months ago. She didn't file charges against the guy, she didn't talk to anyone about it except me. We never talked about it except for the one time when she revealed it to me. I sometimes subtly started talking about it, about how I would not let anyone get away with really hurting her (I'm pretty sure she knew who I was talking about), but it never resulted in a real talk about it. Now, I really want to talk to her about it, because it's eating me up inside not knowing how she feels about it and knowing there's someone out there who hurt her like that and got away with it scot-free, but I'm afraid. She never talks about it, but does that mean she has found peace with it? I don't want to pressurize her in talking about it and causing her to remember it all and for her to break down...but on the other hand, if she is still traumatised about it, I don't want her to keep it all inside of her, I kind of want her to maybe even seek professional help. Should I just wait and hope she one time starts talking about it, or should I just tell her what's bothering me?
january2011 Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I suggest providing a warm, supportive, safe and secure environment for her so that she feels safe to talk about it. You can then gently encourage her to seek professional help. This is unlikely to be a process that will happen overnight, you need to be consistent and reliable over time to prove that her trust in you has not been misplaced. Telling her that it's playing on your mind will just put pressure on her. It could be quite traumatic for her to be forced to relive and confront her feelings in a non-therapeutic environment. So, it is better that you guide her towards professional therapy rather than trying to help her on your own.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Honestly I wouldn't dive into this without any experience or being a professional yourself...the fact that you're emotionally involved means you're going to react emotionally rather than what is in her best interest. This is about her and how she internally processes this issues and how it's affected her...but IF she doesn't seek help this is something that will surely bother her for the rest of her life. Make her feel safe, and gain her trust...don't pressure her or try to understand and figure it out, there's likely nothing at all you can do...without professional help you'll have no understanding or path to follow in the healing process of this, all you'll deal is let it get to you as well and you'll both be battling it and it'll lead to frustration and a misunderstanding on your part because you cannot relate, and you're not a woman. Encourage her to go to therapy by going with you, help her express herself and communicate by leading the way...and then maybe through these sessions she can take the leap of talking about this painful experience. The fact of the matter is this sounds like a relationship you're going to have issues due to her emotional instability, so be prepared for difficult walls and unpredictable behavior. Logically you may won't be able to rationalize the issues in the relationship.
FitChick Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Have you met her in person yet? She might not want an in-person relationship so doing LDR is safer for her.
Feelsgoodman Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Like a year ago, she'd been raped. She told me a few months ago. She didn't file charges against the guy, she didn't talk to anyone about it except me. We never talked about it except for the one time when she revealed it to me. I sometimes subtly started talking about it, about how I would not let anyone get away with really hurting her (I'm pretty sure she knew who I was talking about), but it never resulted in a real talk about it. Not trying to be an @sshole, but you need to tread very carefully with this one. If a woman says that she was raped, yet filed no police report or told anyone except you, it is entirely possible that was not, in fact, raped. Sometimes women have consensual sex with a guy and then decide that they were 'raped' because they feel badly about what happened. This happens especially often when alcohol is involved. I'm not saying this is necessarily the case with your girl, but you can't dismiss that possibility.
Author czen Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 Have you met her in person yet? She might not want an in-person relationship so doing LDR is safer for her. I met her quite a few times, spent like 4 weeks in total with each other. We've had sex and everyting, she was completely okay with that (hell, she had multiple one-nigt stands after the rape). Not trying to be an @sshole, but you need to tread very carefully with this one. If a woman says that she was raped, yet filed no police report or told anyone except you, it is entirely possible that was not, in fact, raped. Sometimes women have consensual sex with a guy and then decide that they were 'raped' because they feel badly about what happened. This happens especially often when alcohol is involved. I'm not saying this is necessarily the case with your girl, but you can't dismiss that possibility. Hmm, didn't think about that, but I don't think that is the case. She told me about how the guy had quite an obsession about her and almost raped her before but that she was then saved by one of her friends. And there would be no reason for her to lie about it anyway, she told me about all her other sexual experiences she had regrets over (basically nearly all of them). I'm probably gonna try and talk about it to her today or tomorrow on SKype if she is having a good day. I will try to be as understanding as I can be, without showing that it bothers me so much that I just sometimes want to punch a wall.
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