bolase Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I just moved to a new city (for a new job) 12hrs drive or a 2hr flight from my boyfriend. We've been dating for 3 months and just before I left he made things official, and I was over the moon. He has already bought flights to visit me, and Im very happy about it. My new job is for 2 years and he has 2 years of study to finish, so we can't be together unless he transfers, which I don't expect him to do, most all his friends are in his city. I really like him and think he's special, he treats me amazingly, I am inspired to do little things for him all the time, etc. SInce I moved Ive been thinking we can't grow as a couple though..I feel like we might be happier with people in our own cities. THere are parts of my boyfriend I don't know yet and parts of myself that I haven't shown him. I haven't really opened up deeply with him although I have strong feelings. Now when we talk or video chat, I always feel like there's pressure to have interesting stories, be upbeat and positive, but half the time I want to do other things because of the pressure... I still make the effort with friends and family but I feel like it has to be perfect every time I talk with my boyfriend, and I'm worried our relationship can't really grow. Just not sure that I am as committed to it as he is (I am completely committed to him, its not about other people). We are both 27.
spookie Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 If you think he's special, how about just chilling out and focusing on your career, making friends, etc. while you settle into an LDR? You can re-evaluate whether or not it is working after you give it a couple of months. Two years is not really that long, and LDR's can work well for some. I don't recommend sticking it out if you're genuinely not happy, but give it a chance.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I don't think you should make any major changes and leaps of faith at 3 months into a relationship, It's just not enough time. Plus the guy sounds really into you, a little too into you If I'm being perfectly honest...I would consider the state of mind he is as well and his personality type, a lot of guys that go in strong are obsessive, jealous, controlling type, I've just seen it happen too many times with women that think the guy is just into them but they're really just a little crazy...although I know nothing about this guy I'm just going based off little info, but be aware of it Is my point. The fact that you're not even really interesting in talking to him or find it a chore and a struggle to maintain this is also suspicious...plus the fact that this guy is treating you so amazingly that maybe you feel like you're pushing yourself a little bit into being into him? It just doesn't sound like the normal reaction of a woman who is really into a guy because in my experience there'd just be no question, she'd do whatever it takes to be with the guy. I think emotionally you haven't really developed deeply with this guy, IT's just been that chemistry type flowing in the clouds type deal where even though you may have talked and shared personal things a real solid bond has not been quite formed, because you realize that you don't know each other to that extent. You might not just be willing to cut this off so at least find out more about the person, their values, expectations of you, and this relationship If they even have any and try to come up with a plan that is satisfactory to the both of you or put it all out on the table and figure out what's going to happen with this relationship in general and what your options are.
FitChick Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Two hours away by plane is nothing. I had a friend in college who took a part-time job several evenings a week with that money set aside for her alternate weekend flights to her boyfriend. His wealthy parents paid for his flights. They did it for a year until he went to medical school out of the country and then it ended. She thinks it would have ended anyway because of the stress of medical school. She was my first LDR role model. LDRs only work when two people, patient, independent and not needy, are equally invested. By the way, ninjainpajamas, everyone's timetable and emotions are different. Three months might not be a long time to you, but my parents married after only three months and some people get married even sooner.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 By the way, ninjainpajamas, everyone's timetable and emotions are different. Three months might not be a long time to you, but my parents married after only three months and some people get married even sooner. This is always a common argument....as If .006 (exaggerating but you get the point) percent of the people that chose to be in a relationship/marriage this way means that somehow this crosses over to you. Therefore the average person always assume they fall into that category...how convenient isn't it? It is in my personal opinion that in 3 months people don't know each other very well at all, regardless of whether they spend the rest of their lives together or just a few months after. The main point to me is today there is a lot of options in the dating world, and If you're not poppin out kids like in the olden days or pressured by family, social pressure to stay together and get married there's too many variables and factors today that are overlooked versus the past. It is in my opinion that most people in the past stayed together more out of obligation/pressure/guilt than what most would like to consider "true love"...I'm not judging the relationship of your parents or any others, however I believe that people that fall into the "true love" category are much less than the former I mentioned...also with what we know and understand about love today, It's easy to imagine that many of us might have been in relationships we were in, in the past, at another point in time..where as now we're more liberal and free to make our own choices due to increasingly more independent minded society.
Author bolase Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 If you think he's special, how about just chilling out and focusing on your career, making friends, etc. while you settle into an LDR? You can re-evaluate whether or not it is working after you give it a couple of months. Two years is not really that long, and LDR's can work well for some. I don't recommend sticking it out if you're genuinely not happy, but give it a chance. Thanks for all your replies, I am going to go with it but you're right, he is full on and he got upset when I cancelled a Skype date as though I "couldn't make time for him, but i could for other things" (which is true, but I am finding my feet among huge changes and Im tired plenty of the time). I am probably pushing myself to like him and try a bit harder than I normally would, say things that I might not express.. If I totally focused on my career the way I probably should be, I would have to drop this relationship. We already have plans to meet up over 3 of the following 6 weekends, and the flights are not cheap!
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