lonelyheart99 Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I've discussed this with friends and family to the point that I get tired just thinking about it. While I am relatively at peace with my decision, I can't deny that my feelings are still unpredictable. At times I am fully aware that my decision was the most logical course of action given the circumstances. But there are moments when I'm not so sure. My ex-fiance and I were together for six years and we have a child together. She is a wonderful person and a great mother. All in all, our relationship has been a good one. Very early in our relationship she expressed a desire for marriage. I was in the process of a divorce when we met and my divorce had only been final a few months when she broached the subject. I was honest with her about my feelings. I loved her very much, but I knew I wasn't ready for marriage. About a year later the subject came up again during a conversation about relocating to another state. While I still had some reservations, I knew I didn't want to lose her, and was willing to marry her if that's what she wanted. The entire process - choosing a ring, proposing - seemed very inorganic to me. First, happened into a jewelry store one evening to "look" at engagement rings. Within a few moments, she found one she liked and - (men, you know the affect the women we love have on us...) I bought it for her. We'd planned a cruise to Bermuda in the coming months, and that seemed the ideal time to pop the question. The excitement began to build. I felt I was ready to try my hand at marriage again. All the pieces seemed to fit. She was a great woman, my children loved her - she treated them like they were her own - and she had many of the qualities I would look for in a wife. We jump started the preparations for the wedding. We picked a venue, met with florists, photographers, etc., and set a date. Everything was fine until my grandfather's funeral last summer. My grandfather passed away in May of last year due to complications related to Alzheimers. I talked to my fiance, told her how important my grandfather had been to me, and asked for her support during the funeral. Long story short, she completely dropped the ball. I'll spare you the details, but in the end, I felt there was no point for her having been there. The doubt began to resurface in the weeks and months after. I began noticing things about her I hadn't realized before, and it began to dawn on me that I might be making a mistake. Fast-forward to February of this year. The apprehension I felt had intensified, and I realized I needed to go to counseling to me figure out what I was feeling. Specifically, I wanted to know if my feelings were merely transference from my previous marriage, and just "cold feet" or if there was a deeper problem that needed to be addressed. I new I didn't have a lot of time, as the date we set for the wedding was the beginning of June. My counsellor gave me a lot of good advice about the difference between celebrating our differences as a couple, and addressing potential problem areas. I began to feel better, and we proceeded with plans for the wedding. But I couldn't deny that nagging feeling of doubt in my gut that something wasn't right... that I was making a mistake. It wasn't just her age (she's 11 years older than I) that was the issue. I'd spent my entire adult life in a committed relationship and wondered if I needed time alone to rediscover who I was and what I'm meant to accomplish in life. It all came to a head last Thursday. I spent the entire day at work conflicted, mulling over the decision in my mind until I came to one undeniable conclusion. Regardless whatever I would list in the "pros" column, getting married with lingering doubt is always a recipe for bad living. So, I decided to cancel the wedding. I must admit, this is the single most difficult decision I've ever made in my life. I'm still not 100% sure this decision was the right one, but I know I do need time on my own to discover what my purpose is in life. My greatest concern in all this is how it will affect our daughter. I love her beyond words and the idea of not being able to see her every day breaks my heart. The main reason for sharing this with you is to gain an objective point of view. I really do appreciate any thoughts, comments, suggestions. Lord knows i need them... ~Andrew
westrock Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 My grandfather passed away in May of last year due to complications related to Alzheimers. I talked to my fiance, told her how important my grandfather had been to me, and asked for her support during the funeral. Long story short, she completely dropped the ball. I'll spare you the details, but in the end, I felt there was no point for her having been there. Sorry about your grandfather. It's tough on anyone to lose a loved one. At such times we lean on others, and naturally we expect our loved ones to be there for us, but sometimes we don't realize that those others are also struggling too under such circumstances. You haven't given any detail as to how she "completely dropped the ball", so it's hard to get a complete picture as to what happened, but understand that everyone reacts to death in their own way, sometimes different from what we or society expects. I'd spent my entire adult life in a committed relationship and wondered if I needed time alone to rediscover who I was and what I'm meant to accomplish in life. This is more about you than her, but sometimes we tend to throw out the baby with the bathwater. You don't necessarily have to break up with her to find out what you are meant to accomplish in life. It all came to a head last Thursday. I spent the entire day at work conflicted, mulling over the decision in my mind until I came to one undeniable conclusion. Regardless whatever I would list in the "pros" column, getting married with lingering doubt is always a recipe for bad living. So, I decided to cancel the wedding. I must admit, this is the single most difficult decision I've ever made in my life. I'm still not 100% sure this decision was the right one, but I know I do need time on my own to discover what my purpose is in life. What you have done is gone from sitting on one side of the fence feeling conflicted, to now sitting on the other side of the fence still feeling conflicted. She's not the source of your conflict. It seems the source of your conflict is your feeling that you're not sure what your purpose is in life. Maybe, just maybe, what you need to discover is that one of your purposes in life is to marry this woman, the mother of your daughter? Instead of just breaking up with her, why not go to couples counselling with her? At least go back to your counsellor for individual counselling to get some insight.
jennisfora Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 alot of what you say my ex said to me. about being in relationship and not being alone, purpose in life,ect. i still miss him, i still hope we can sit and talk one day and figure out if we can try again, since as far as i know, there was no great obstacle except that he decided he couldnt get married. i realize from your post how hard of a decision this is, especially for a man all ready divorced. i am not sure if breaking up is the answer, but i do know that you cannot marry her with such doubts. i dont know the right answer. but if it helps, i now realize that i would want him back in my life even if he can't get married right now. i believe that he feels i will accept nothing less, and that is why he ended it. perhaps, it is the same for you? did she give you an ultimatum? you have to marry her or else? have you discussed this with her, how you feel unready for marriage? does it have to be a break up, or marriage? is there no salveageable option? i honestly don't know. *hugs*
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