xenomorph Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 To be blunt, I'm a very sexual person, with what I believe would be an above average libido. I enjoy sex, always have, and I have just gotten out of a 5 year monogamous relationship (3 of those married). It's been about a month since we last saw each other, before he moved far away, never to be seen again. As much as I love exploring my sexuality, I loved monogamy more. Right now I am fearful of opening myself up to others, even though I have someone who is interested in me at the moment. It feels a little too soon... I'm not even divorced yet, or legally separated... just separated. The old me would have pounced and proclaimed a "friends with benefits" situation (before my LTR/M, I was involved in this kind of relationship), but the current "me" is trapped between desire and fear. I can take care of my own sexual needs just fine, but I am curious again to be with someone else sexually (and I'm sure my stbxh is sowing some wild oats right now). So why did I suddenly close my account on OKcupid? Why am I constantly giving this new guy rainchecks? Some days I feel fabulous, and I get attention from men. Other days I just want to crawl under a rock and read with a big neon "F OFF" sign on my forehead, and sure enough most guys will avoid me like the plague (but I still manage to attract a few). So it's not a question of whether or not I can get a guy, just a question of... should I? Admittedly, I still find myself desiring my stbxh, but I attribute that to how early in the divorce process I am in. The sex was fantastic, so I guess a part of me worries that I would expect the same from a new partner? Is my gut telling me to hold off? How long before you started dating post-break up?
Mr Scorpio Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I think it is understandable that you are afraid to open yourself up sexually to someone after losing such a long relationship. This is especially so if you doubt your ability to compartmentalize sexuality from the emotions that can accompany it. Maybe wait a week/month and see how you feel then?
sweetheart5381 Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I dont think there is a specific timeline for these things. If you're not ready, dont push it. I just started dating this past weekend, and it awakened feelings that I hadnt felt in a long time. I too am very sexual, but during the painful part of the b/u I didnt want to be with anyone at all. Period. I was raped a month ago by a virtual stranger... made matters soooo much worse. You will heal and when you do, you will have a brand new respect for yourself. I do finally want to be with a man physically who cares and you will too, in your own time. Don't push the healing, it will come to you. 1
Author xenomorph Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 I feel less guilty about not dating now... what a weird feeling to have! I was also never much of a "dater" to begin with. All of my relationship sprung up out of friendships (common interests/hobbies) that turned into relationships. This new crop of strange men saying "hello" frighten me! It's strange to be asked "Hey, are you single?" and I have no answer. What am I supposed to say? "Sorry, I'm currently closed for construction"?
Author xenomorph Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 I am grateful that I can feel myself healing each day. I was able to wake up this morning shrugging off the usual thoughts of the affair and the mental recordings of the hurtful things said to me. I got up and said to myself: "none of that defines who I am now, today." I went out with a friend to enjoy a mutual hobby of ours, and discovered some welcomed male attention. I was able to tit-for-tat and sass back like I used to, as well! Still not ready to date, but I do feel like I can socialize like a normal human being again. I was raped a month ago by a virtual stranger... made matters soooo much worse. You will heal and when you do, you will have a brand new respect for yourself. Just a month ago? I admire your strength, and it makes me incredibly happy to hear about how well your recent dates went! You deserve gorgeousness!
Recommended Posts