nanbullen Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 My now ex ignored my text/calls for all most of last week. He finally texted me this meaningless “I fell of the face of the earth, it’s not you it’s me” text on Sunday. For the most part I accepted that it was over and the best thing for me to do is not contact him anymore. There was NOTHING to be gained from my calling him again. There could be no good excuse for what he did and I knew it. Of course, there was a part of me in denial, hoping he would call me and everything would be ok. But one day last week, I read a post right here on LS, where someone said that when a man says he needs time, it means he met someone else. So my wheels started spinning, and I thought, of course! I know in the big scheme of things, it doesn’t matter why he doesn’t to be with me anymore. But of all the possible reasons, cheating on me is such a betrayal. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from confronting him, I tried, but by the end of last week, I kept telling myself, don’t do it, don’t do it, but the mornings are my worst time, and on Thursday I literally couldn’t stop myself and I called him. He answered the phone for a change, and I just asked him if he met somebody else. And he said YES! He tried to downplay it like they just went out a couple of times to dinner and a movie. I told him I couldn’t believe he would ignore me, then say he loved me, and he wasn’t going anywhere and I just needed to work on my insecurity and all would be wonderful, while he was seeing somebody. Why play all these head games for weeks? Why not just keep ignoring me until I finally gave up, or tell me the truth and end it? Like always, he turns it all around. He says I drove him away with my expectations and insecurity, blah, blah, blah, and I need to get over the past. And besides, we live so far apart and we would hardly ever see each other. Now right at this point…whenever I sense that I’m about to officially get dumped….no matter how unhappy I am in the relationship…..something takes over me, it’s like my brain goes on red alert and my ONLY goal is to not get broken up with. I don’t even hear what is being said, or I don’t fully grasp it. All I can think is he hasn’t said the words, so there is still a chance and what I can say to, basically manipulate him, into not breaking up with me. It’s like an out of body experience! So I was agreeing with him that, yes, my insecurity is unacceptable, yes I need to forget the past, no we won’t just see each other infrequently, I’ll come up there every month (there’s no effing way that’s possible). And I kept asking him if he was breaking up with me, and he wouldn’t say yes, he would say “well IF xyz we can’t be together”, but he never would give me a straight answer. Maybe I just didn’t want to hear it, but there was room for interpretation in what he was saying. So somehow I guess convinced him that we could start all over, and get to know each other again, etc. Or he just didn’t want to hurt me so he said what I wanted to hear. I’m sure I didn’t mean half of what I said. Like I said, it’s all a blur, lol. Because I wasn’t listening, because I didn’t care. It didn’t matter as long as in the end we were still together. I just felt relief!! I always do this and it ends up making me feel even more insecure because I think, now he’s just staying with me because he feels sorry for me, or guilty. Like I had to talk him into it. But mainly, this other woman. So after we got off the phone, I was feeling like he didn’t mean what he said, he just wanted to get off the phone, and I would never hear from him again because, why would he want to try to work things out with me, when he was in some honeymoon stage of a new relationship? He called me later and I asked him that exact question. I reminded him, when he and I met, I left my boyfriend (who had cheated on me) for him. I told that guy I needed time (how ironic), moved out, and I never answered his calls after that. I was so wrapped up in my new relationship; the LAST thing I wanted was to rehash some old relationship with someone I didn’t love anymore, or even like. Well my ex immediately reassured me that this was totally different, first , I didn’t love that guy anyway, and second, we had a connection, third, this is somebody he’s known since school, fourth, this woman he’s been seeing just got divorced after being with only one man for over 35 years (how old IS she lol),and “she doesn’t want to fall in love again” (wtf does that mean), and I “completely “ have the wrong idea about what happened. It didn’t occur to me at the time to ask him if he actually had/ was having/planned to continue having sex with her. He called me again later that night, but the medicine I take knocked me out so I didn’t hear my phone. I haven’t heard from him since then. I don’t know why I didn’t call him back. If I call him now, it will just look like I have been obsessing over this for the past 2 days. Why does he keep stringing me along? If he really thinks that things can’t work because of the distance, and because of my insecurity and expectations, and even if this isn’t “what I think”, he’s obviously open to dating others. Why do I want to call him so much even though it doesn’t matter if he slept with her or not? Why is it, even though I know the worst possible thing I can do is call him, I’m afraid I’ll get this uncontrollable impulse to call him? I kind of feel like he’ll call me in a few days anyway to keep me on the hook. But that all depends of how things go with this sad divorcee. I hate myself. WHY can’t I just get over it and stop thinking about him. I know by now he’s done so much I will never ever trust him or feel secure. How can he get mad at me to be secure one minute, and the next minute tell me he’s out going with other women BEHIND MY BACK? I asked him that when I called him on Thursday, and he had the nerve to say “That’s why I wanted to tell you now”..…I CALLED HIM, HELLO!? He didn’t want to tell me, he just told me because I called and asked him. Doesn’t he see how that would make me insecure?? I don’t know what advice I need, I’m just venting. I wish I could say now that I unloaded, I don’t feel like calling him anymore.
jphcbpa Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Sorry to hear that you are in pain and feeling abandoned. Perhaps you should take his number out of your cell phone.
Author nanbullen Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 Yeah, I already did all that. But i have it on my phone bill. I could throw it away, but then I could request another copy, LOL! It's useless. I'm trying to take it one day at a time (one minute?), and not call him, because that would be the stupidest thing I could possibly do. On one hand I want him to tell me it's over, so I stop thinking that there's still a chance. On the other hand, I know it's over no matter what he says, it's obvious. I guess I want him to convince me that things aren't as they appear (hopeless), and he loves me. Ugh, I hate mornings so much!!!!
sweetheart5381 Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Dont beat yourself up over the desire to call and communicate with him. It's natural that you have questions and feelings that you want to express to him. This will pass in time, there are many of us on LS that have felt that same feeling of abandonment and betrayal. It will end and your self-confidence will return so long as it is nurtured in healthy ways. I found it helpful to remind myself daily of all of the goals that I have achieved, all the people I have helped and all of the hardships that I have beaten to become a strong, capable, confident woman. I also remind myself that no other person has the right or ability to make me feel insecure, I ultimately have to power and I choose to love myself. You have far more power than you know Use it wisely!
Author nanbullen Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 Dont beat yourself up over the desire to call and communicate with him. It's natural that you have questions and feelings that you want to express to him. This will pass in time, there are many of us on LS that have felt that same feeling of abandonment and betrayal. It will end and your self-confidence will return so long as it is nurtured in healthy ways. I found it helpful to remind myself daily of all of the goals that I have achieved, all the people I have helped and all of the hardships that I have beaten to become a strong, capable, confident woman. I also remind myself that no other person has the right or ability to make me feel insecure, I ultimately have to power and I choose to love myself. You have far more power than you know Use it wisely! That's what I keep trying to focus on, that time heals. I felt this way the last time he broke up with me, and I know it will pass. Unfortunately, I don't think i'll ever meet anybody I love as much as him. Although, i'm not sure I know what love is anymore. But, I do know that I will feel better than I do now! Usually by the 3rd day that I haven't heard from him, I start getting really anxious, and end up impulsively calling/texting him. I feel like If I can just get through today without contacting him.... I am sooooo tempted to call him, and I'm trying to convince myself that there's nothing wrong with my calling him to tell him I can't be with him if he's sleeping with someone else, or even dating other women. It's totally unacceptable...even to a co-dependent person like me! But I have to ask myself, why do I need to tell him that? It's too late. I don't know if he had sex with her, but they did go on dates already. If he's dating other women, and not telling me, at the same time as he tells me he loves me.......um, he's cheating on me. And the whole time I was on the phone with him on Thursday taking all the blame for all the problems in our relationship, and he agreed to try to work things out only IF I CHANGED! Then I want to call him and cuss him out for cheating on me, and then acting like he didn't even do anything wrong! And getting mad at me for being insecure. You have to be trustworthy if you want to be trusted. But what's the point of that? Will I feel better after i finish telling him off and hang up the phone? No, I'll feel worse.
jennisfora Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 why don't you break up with him? he isn't treating you right, is apparently dating other people, at least casually. why are you waiting for him to break up with you? break up with him, tell him you have decided it is over, that you deserve better. take charge of the situation. you have as much power as you believe you have, and you have the power to walk away from this. You make the choice. Don't wait on him to make up his mind, he is enjoying the best of both worlds. Don't let yourself be used as an option.
sweetheart5381 Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 That's what I keep trying to focus on, that time heals. I felt this way the last time he broke up with me, and I know it will pass. Unfortunately, I don't think i'll ever meet anybody I love as much as him. Although, i'm not sure I know what love is anymore. But, I do know that I will feel better than I do now! Usually by the 3rd day that I haven't heard from him, I start getting really anxious, and end up impulsively calling/texting him. I feel like If I can just get through today without contacting him.... I am sooooo tempted to call him, and I'm trying to convince myself that there's nothing wrong with my calling him to tell him I can't be with him if he's sleeping with someone else, or even dating other women. It's totally unacceptable...even to a co-dependent person like me! But I have to ask myself, why do I need to tell him that? It's too late. I don't know if he had sex with her, but they did go on dates already. If he's dating other women, and not telling me, at the same time as he tells me he loves me.......um, he's cheating on me. And the whole time I was on the phone with him on Thursday taking all the blame for all the problems in our relationship, and he agreed to try to work things out only IF I CHANGED! Then I want to call him and cuss him out for cheating on me, and then acting like he didn't even do anything wrong! And getting mad at me for being insecure. You have to be trustworthy if you want to be trusted. But what's the point of that? Will I feel better after i finish telling him off and hang up the phone? No, I'll feel worse. Dont say a damn thing at this point. You already have, he made his choice to treat you badly by stringing you along and now you have to make the choice to not contact him. Take the power back, take your own control back. You have boundaries and he is clearly invading them or you wouldn't feel so ****ty. Dont let him string you along... cut the cord and do it for you. At the end of the day, no one will take care of you, that's your job, your obligation as a human. That's not to say that others dont love you and support you, it means that you need to care for you. No one else will take care of you... its your job. Dont worry a bit about his thoughts of you... YOU are what matters, not him. 1
Author nanbullen Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 why don't you break up with him? he isn't treating you right, is apparently dating other people, at least casually. why are you waiting for him to break up with you? I don’t know why. I’m trying to think why, and all I can say is I am afraid if I call him, and break up, I will feel worse than I do now. Right now, I’m in a kind of limbo where I don’t really know what’s going on or what he did with her. He’s so manipulative, he almost made it sound like they are just old friends and she’s going through a hard time, and their relationship isn’t what I think. When I first confronted him and asked if he was dating somebody else he said they went to a movie and dinner, but he said he wouldn’t call it dating. I think he said “I don’t know what it is”. But, if they are just friends, why would he say he doesn’t know what it is? Anyway, I don’t know…I guess my point is I’m kinda still in denial. Not all the time, though! I know he’s treated me badly. But, I haven’t treated him all that great! I’m not trying to make excuses for his behavior, but he TRIED to humor me, and reassure me and tell me he loved me. But nothing was enough for me. I was so needy and insecure. I slowly drove him away. This has been a long time coming. And, he’s tried to tell me, politely at first then not so politely, that I need to stop freaking out and acting crazy and doing things like sending 20-30 texts at a time! I cringe when I think of the asinine/melodramatic crap I texted him. I’m embarrassed for myself! And I keep saying I understand, and I do, but I don’t change. And he sees that. I think at this point he needs more than just my agreeing with him. He needs to see that I can control myself. I’m conflicted. I convince myself things are one way, and then I convince myself things are another way.
jennisfora Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 well, i would just tell yourself in your mind you are broken up, because whether he says it or not, he is dating, so, you are broken up. make it official in your mind. 1
Author nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Dont say a damn thing at this point. You already have, he made his choice to treat you badly by stringing you along and now you have to make the choice to not contact him. Take the power back, take your own control back. You have boundaries and he is clearly invading them or you wouldn't feel so ****ty. Dont let him string you along... cut the cord and do it for you. At the end of the day, no one will take care of you, that's your job, your obligation as a human. That's not to say that others dont love you and support you, it means that you need to care for you. No one else will take care of you... its your job. Dont worry a bit about his thoughts of you... YOU are what matters, not him. I'm not, Sweetheart! I made it through my third day without contacting him. Since, I've never made it this long, i'm hoping I've turned a corner, and it will just get easier from here. I haven't been very successful at taking the power back or setting boundaries. He's just so manipulative, As horrible as he is, he is just as charming when he needs to be, and he always knows exactly what to say to me to turn things around. I've never met anybody like him. It's like he's in my head! Boy, I really sound like i'm taking the power back
Author nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 well, i would just tell yourself in your mind you are broken up, because whether he says it or not, he is dating, so, you are broken up. make it official in your mind. I know, i'm trying. That's what I tell myself, he's dating. Also, something I haven't wanted to think about is the distance. We just live too far apart, and neither one of us has any intention of moving. And for the most part I accept it. But I guess i'm in denial a little bit. I can't control what thoughts take hold in my head. Isn't denial normal in the first stages of grief? Jen, I have read your posts, to me and on other threads. I think you are much better in dealing with your break-up than I am.I wish I was more like you as far as setting boundaries and...coping in general.
Tiera D Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 he is keeping u as backburner remember that..since u dont see him alot u would never know what he is thinking and yes when a man says he need space the most likely has another girl beside him.i personally think he is telling u slowly that he is moving on,as he gets more committed to the new girl i counsel,keep NC,go vacation,do yoga,meditate,keep ur schedule busy..most important dont stay at home,alone is where the doubt demons haunt us.GL TD
jennisfora Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 nan, i wish it was true that i am dealing well, but my breakup happened in january, and i still love him, and miss him..i no longer cry at work randomly, and i can hear his name without falling to pieces, i guess i have accepted the new reality, but i haven't embraced it. still suffering. like most here, it is easy for me to give advice, but i am not so good at taking it. *hugs* and yes, denial is normal. i still have days where i expect him to show up at the door with a dozen roses and say he made the mistake of his life...but they are getting fewer.
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