Staying friends with an ex

[ScienceGal]

I am looking for thoughts and opinions here. I personally do not remain friends with an ex for the simple fact that I need to end that part of my life in order to move on. I have a few exes that are genuinely good guys, but still, I have no desire to maintain a close friendship.

 

Do you think it is ok to remain friends? Also, does your opinion change if you were friends before lovers?

[phineas]

Woman who is friends with ex = sleeping with him still or will end up sleeping with him while with me.

 

My experience with this is it's like death & taxes. It's inevitable.

 

I will never get serious with a woman who is still friends with an ex & i've told them that up front.

 

If they want to have some fun, cool but that's it.

[spookie]

I wish my exes would have liked to stay friends. For those I did not get that serious with, I don't think it would have been a hindrance to either of our lives, if the overwhelming attitude about this subject was more reasonable.

 

Just becuase you don't want to marry someone, doesn't mean you don't like them. If you went on more than a couple of dates, you're likely compatible in many aspects. Why throw away the baby with the bathwater?

 

I think it's outrageous that such a large portion of people we become close have only one option for staying in our lives, as our partner.

 

Modern society, with our ever-increasing frequency of interactions and complexity of relationships, calls for more shades of grey.

Edited April 29, 2012 by spookie

[ScienceGal]

The guy I am currently dating lives in the same house as his ex (a couple other people too). They stopped dating about 4 years ago. I understand that his living there was a matter of cirumstance, but I'm left wondering how long he will stay there... but then I realized they are actually friends. As in, even if he didn't live with her, they'd still be friends. I just find it awkward to stay close with someone you've had a long term relationship with.

 

He also sees no reason why two people can't remain friends after a relaionship fails, citing that he has been friends first with most of his exes.

 

I suppose each situation is different, but I don't understand and I don't like feeling like either I am an idiot or I am being close minded.

Edited April 29, 2012 by ScienceGal

[Oxy Moronovich]

There is no such thing as a mutual breakup. Someone is always still holding emotions inside. Of course, people who are friends with their exes will tell me I'm wrong. But why would they admit I'm right? It would prove their whole "friendship" is a bunch of hot air. So they will lie to others (and probably to themselves) and say they are friends with their exes with no problems whatsoever.

 

Since I don't believe in mutual breakups, I don't date women who say they're still friends with their exes.

[ScienceGal]

There is no such thing as a mutual breakup. Someone is always still holding emotions inside. Of course, people who are friends with their exes will tell me I'm wrong. But why would they admit I'm right? It would prove their whole "friendship" is a bunch of hot air. So they will lie to others (and probably to themselves) and say they are friends with their exes with no problems whatsoever.

 

Since I don't believe in mutual breakups, I don't date women who say they're still friends with their exes.

 

The problem is I am in complete agreement with you. There is typically one person who wanted the relationship to end, and one who didn't. And even once both move on, wouldn't maintaining frequent contact only delay/prevent moving on to a new relationship? Isn't there always the risk of kicking up old feelings, whether true or superficial?

 

He seems genuinely over her and completely into me. In fact, I had dinner with his family to tonight. Things seem to be progressing normally, aside from this difference of opinion. And, to boot...I like her. She seems nice.

Edited April 29, 2012 by ScienceGal

[Jane2011]

The guy I am currently dating lives in the same house as his ex (a couple other people too). They stopped dating about 4 years ago. I understand that his living there was a matter of cirumstance, but I'm left wondering how long he will stay there... but then I realized they are actually friends. As in, even if he didn't live with her, they'd still be friends. I just find it awkward to stay close with someone you've had a long term relationship with.

 

He also sees no reason why two people can't remain friends after a relaionship fails, citing that he has been friends first with most of his exes.

 

I suppose each situation is different, but I don't understand and I don't like feeling like either I am an idiot or I am being close minded.

 

I'd say just gauge the situation. I think some people who are exes can be friends, and some can't.

 

I'm friends with an ex who I was with for five and a half years. We weren't able to be friends right after the break up, but after five months or so, after I started liking other men and actually getting involved with them, my ex and I became friends and have been for two years now. I could watch him having sex with another woman and feel nothing. We've both dated other people and talked to each other about it freely. I think it's possible my ex and I were never really in love with each other in the first place (or that we both fell truly out of it somewhere in the last year or two of our relationship), which is why we disentangled, emotionally, pretty easily. I think couples who were truly in love at one point -- and stayed in love but had other forces drive them apart -- may have a harder time EVER transitioning to being just friends.

 

I wouldn't say you're "closed-minded" just because you're wary. The ex situation can be kind of tricky. I would say, though, that four years ago is fairly far in the past, and if nothing has happened between them in four years, that's at least a point in their favor that they're pretty well disentangled from each other.

[ASG]

I am friends with a couple of my exes. There is absolutely no way in hell I would ever sleep with any of them again.

 

Staying friends with an ex has nothing to do with mutual break ups.

One of them, we were together for a couple for years and one day, out of the blue, he broke up with me! I was devastated, I wanted him back for months... but then... things changed. And I didn't want him back anymore and started going out with other people and enjoying my life. And I also realized our break up wasn't "our of the blue". It had been a long time coming, I just wasn't paying attention. I made peace with it and moved one. This was about 10 years ago. I've met his wife, I've been to dinner at their house, I've met his kid.

As I now live out of the country, we haven't had as much contact as before I moved away, but we still touch base and have coffee every once in a while when I'm in town and in touch on Facebook.

 

My most recent ex and I broke up a year ago, mutually. It was indeed mutual, because we fought about breaking up for 3 months and that was the "too tired to have this convo anymore" day. I was sad, sure! I also knew, in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to get back with him and neither did he (he was the initiator of the "let's break up" thing we had going on for 3 months).

We talk every few weeks, we see each other regularly. I was away for a few months and he offered to store my belongings at his house and have me crash there if needed!

We talk about our dates and conquests all the time.

 

I understand that sometimes there might be a reason to be wary, but not all situations are the same!

[Jane2011]

Also, I've definitely dated a guy whose ex was still in his life and had no problem with the guy. In the case I'm talking about, the guy had a 7 year old kid, and thus, he *had* to have his ex-wife in his life. If I dated a different guy whose ex-wife or ex-gf were in his life but they had no kid, I wouldn't trust him any less just because there wasn't anything that *forced* him to still have the woman still in his life. The "temptation" or the "lingering feelings" is as potentially there in one case as it is in another; I'm not gonna split hairs over whether the contact is absolutely mandatory or not.

 

Also, it says little about the trust in a relationship if you think your partner can't be around an ex without cheating on you. Like, why would you be with someone who the only reason they aren't sleeping with their ex or having feelings for their ex is because they have no access to him/her? Ideally, your girlfriend and boyfriend is in love with you (or even just way into you) and doesn't want to sleep with their ex even if they see their ex a couple times a month.

 

All that being said, if you're dating someone who is showing glaring signs of still wanting their ex or having a more than innocent connection with their ex, you have every right to be wary. But if there are absolutely no signs that they still have romantic feelings, and you're just concerned, "theoretically," about the idea of a person being in some contact with his/her ex, I think that's unnecessarily suspicious and lacking in basic trust.

[Jane2011]

Staying friends with an ex has nothing to do with mutual break ups.

One of them, we were together for a couple for years and one day, out of the blue, he broke up with me! I was devastated, I wanted him back for months... but then... things changed. And I didn't want him back anymore and started going out with other people and enjoying my life. And I also realized our break up wasn't "our of the blue". It had been a long time coming, I just wasn't paying attention. I made peace with it and moved one.

 

Exactly. My ex broke up with me. I was the one who got hurt, and for three or four months, I definitely was pining for him. But then I started dating other guys, and it was just like...gone. My romantic feelings for him left and have not come back. I have no desire for him now, even though he was the one who broke up...

 

People change. Tastes change. People want something a lot at a certain time in their life, and then don't want it at all later.

 

I'm a particularly changeable person. There are things that I felt strongly about four months ago that I don't feel strongly about anymore. My feelings and outlook are constantly changing.

[Marvin Gaye]

I think its best to keep emotions away in this situation. my last gf broke up with me last june but we were still having a good time every other month though not being officially together..i let her contact me all the time made sure i dont come off as wussy and kept my game up but still deep down this gal meant the world to me and once in a while i would slip and call her about not caring enough about us and so on.

 

I'd suggest get your emotions out of the way even if she does nice things for you. after that if you want to have fun then sure go ahead but dont have any expectations from her.

[Jane2011]

All that being said, if you're dating someone who is showing glaring signs of still wanting their ex or having a less than innocent connection with their ex, you have every right to be wary.

 

Correction of my above post in bold...

[verhrzn]

I think it is a very very big gray area, that is very dependent on the people.

 

I am friends with one of my exes. It took about three years, and I think the reason we can be friends is because we both understand we're romantically incapable. However, he will never be one of my close friends; a good friend, but still somewhat outside the outer circle.

 

My other exes, all of them pretty much forgot me the instant they dumped me. Heck, the latest one went celebrating. I wasn't sure I wanted to be friends with them.... but I certainly didn't them to pretend I never existed, or to be thanking the heavens that I am completely out of their life.

 

I think, in most situations, it's best to be friendly with your ex, maybe on the cusp of good friendship if a long enough time span has passed.

 

Beyond that, you really need to know the circumstances and personalities involved. My last ex's best friend was an old FWB of his (they'd slept together for 8 months, 2 years previous to me.) And yet after getting to know her and seeing them interact, I completely trusted them. (And when he dumped me, it wasn't for her... it was for a whole brand new girl. The best friend actually messaged me to tell me what an idiot she thought he was.)

 

I think, if you're genuinely a secure and steady person and something about the friendship sends up the red flag, you should really trust your gut. But if your instincts say that everything is fine, then don't go looking for reasons to doubt it.

[oaks]

Do you think it is ok to remain friends?

 

I'm going with "it depends". I keep in touch with some exes, with varying degrees of contact, but none are really close friends. With some exes we have mutual friends, so there's a possibility of bumping in to them at parties etc, so it's actually better to be able to have a friendly chat than to have to avoid them.

 

I don't keep in touch with some exes. I don't think it's automatically good or okay or sensible to keep in touch with an ex, but it isn't automatically bad either.

[Joaquin]

In my experience it's not really about friendship with ex's. It's about whether the girl or boy your dating has emotionally moved on from an ex so that they are able to have a healthy relationship with you.

 

Staying in contact with an ex without good reason (such as kids in the picture) essentially keeps a relationship connection going with an ex and this often sends a signal that for whatever reason you can't or won't let that person go. This is immature and not emotionally healthy behaviour and moreover shows a lack of empathy and respect for the feelings of a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm all for being civil and courteous when the situation arises, but friends is a bit of a stretch.

[ThatDudeXO]

Depends on how serious the relationship was and how hurt you/they were by the breakup as hidden feelings may creep up.

 

For me it's a big no no. No way I'd like my potential partner to be in contact with an ex she was in love with and the same applies to me. It's a relationship wrecker.

 

If you're still in love with an ex, ofcourse staying friends is a big no no too.

[Jane2011]

I'm going with "it depends". I keep in touch with some exes, with varying degrees of contact, but none are really close friends. With some exes we have mutual friends, so there's a possibility of bumping in to them at parties etc, so it's actually better to be able to have a friendly chat than to have to avoid them.

 

I don't keep in touch with some exes. I don't think it's automatically good or okay or sensible to keep in touch with an ex, but it isn't automatically bad either.

 

Agree. There are way more exes I don't keep in touch with than that I do. In fact, really, there's only one that I'm true friends with. One other guy is someone I small-talk with every two months or so (he calls me). He's a very selfish conversationalist; never asks me questions, just wants me to prod him for how he's been so he can talk about his own life. I'm just cordial with him because we were casual friends before we got together.

 

Other than those two, exes in my life are irrelevant and happily not in my life.

 

I don't have a 'stay friends with exes' policy. I just think sometimes it happens, sometimes the person is worth it. Most of the time, I think, they're not.

[phineas]

There is no such thing as a mutual breakup. Someone is always still holding emotions inside. Of course, people who are friends with their exes will tell me I'm wrong. But why would they admit I'm right? It would prove their whole "friendship" is a bunch of hot air. So they will lie to others (and probably to themselves) and say they are friends with their exes with no problems whatsoever.

 

Since I don't believe in mutual breakups, I don't date women who say they're still friends with their exes.

 

And even if there are no feelings there can still be sexual attraction & sex will happen.

 

I had meaningless sex with me ex wife numerous times once I got completely over her.

 

Good kinky sex is good kinky sex after all.

Zero feelings involved on my side & she is living with the guy she left me for and told me it was just sex.

Fine by me.

 

I'd bang her again if she offered & I wasn't with anyone.

[fucpcg]

I don't date around, and I only have relationships with women I truly have feelings for, and connections with. Having both of those doesn't guarantee that the relationship goes the distance, however not going the distance is NOT an indication of whether or not that woman was a good woman, NOR will it impact in a way that would allow me to now hate a person I once felt intimate about. There is a difference between keeping some distance after a breakup to get over what happened, but when you can get past that challenging stage, you once again have two people who were at one time very much aligned, and that does not happen very often in life. I've met millions of women, I've had 6 intimate relationships, over 41 years.

 

I am very good friends with 5 of my 6 ex's, I have a very soft spot in my heart for 6 of my 6 ex's, and I have respect for 6 of my 6 ex's. The only 5 out of 6 category is because one has no interest in being friends, even after me trying everything possible to maintain that relationship.

[Ninjainpajamas]

From my personal experience this is a bad situation. Likely he has broken up with her and she still maintains emotions for him, regardless of whether the relationship has been over for 4 years he still has a good hold on her I'm willing to bet and he likely does become intimate with her when things aren't going well...they have a bond and trust that exceeds people they date or have relationships because they have the advantage of time developed together and knowing each other...so regardless you'll always come second in that realm of trust.

 

I would say It's a very bad idea because I've been this guy and know the inner-workings of this and If he's anything like how I used to be then It's bad all around and this is just the tip of the iceberg. Therefore based on my knowledge I wouldn't even consider dating someone in that situation for a moment, I know far too much and what this says about the man in this position unfortunately. You're asking for trouble/drama to get burned in my opinion...regardless of what he tells you and how he says it's circumstantial, that's exactly along the lines of what I would have said.

 

I know women love to ignore red flags though, and that's what enables this kind of behavior for men really.

[PrettyPoppy]

In my experience it is workable to have a very light, social connection with someone who you previously had a relationship with dependent upon boundaries. When is say "light" what I mean is maybe FB friends, can be at a gathering together without intensity. That is not really a "friend". When one has coffee dates and movies together...um...why?

I have never and I mean NEVER seen any friendship with exes of any significance or messy breakups that the re-connection under the banner of "friend" is not fraught with dysfunction. Usually there are intimacy buffers in play with regard to new partner, ego issues for attention/flattery and other yuck stuff. I have an ex husband who I was with for years. I am the leaver, but technically either of us could have been. We have 2 children together so have had to co-parent together. We are not friends, though I am close to his family, we get along well and don't fight. Why are we not friends? Because he put his penis in my vagina many, many times. I wanted this to occur, I married him and hence he was not put on the "friend heap" eons ago. This fact doesn't change. If we were "friends" and he put his penis in my Vagina, we would be married still. If I am waxing his ego or his mine and we are allowing this, the new partner is not only being disrespected, there is no future because we are using our old marriage to buffer our capacity to be present for a new one.

Like many have said before. Fine, be "friends" with your ex and we can bang and have a good time. I will not open myself up to you emotionally, you are busy elsewhere still working out the past.

[joystickd]

When its over they become dead to me. Its about moving forward not backward.

[ScienceGal]

Thank you all for the responses. It was nice to read all of the different opinions.

 

He was friends with her since childhood and their relationship didn't work because she ended up wanting an open relationship and he didn't. So, I suppose he must've been the one that got hurt. He claims to not have any romantic feelings for her at all (I know, I know... this is something any man, or woman, would say). He says that she annoys him a lot, and it seems to me that he treats her like any other friend. The fact that he lives with her was a shock to me at first, so I just observed and thought about it. I don't get any really bad feelings, though I understand many people would. I am not sure if it's me "ignoring red flags" or that I a not as sensitive as I used to be. This is why I asked the question.

 

Personally, I could be friendly with an ex but I do not think I could be a close friend. I definitely couldn't live with an ex. Though if I was desperate for a place to live, I might live with an ex before going back to mom and dad. But, it would have to be an ex I had no residual feelings for. And, it would be very temporary.

 

I guess I am just treading water here. He's a great guy and I enjoy every moment with him. I feel that if this is the only thing that's making me scratch my head, then that might not be so bad. Perhaps I am even looking for something to feel uneasy about. The relationship is still very new, so I will stick around to see if our relationship has long term potential.

 

If I end up getting burned, NinjaPajamas has pre-approved authorization to say "I told you so"