Men who are trying to hide their control issues...

[surferchic]

Surfer - are you uneven exchange?

 

? ...lol. No, but our situations are so similar its creepy.

 

Just thought I'd add the update on my situation here since my thread was mainly about "dating" a cop. Hopefully uneven exchange can see she's not alone although her situation may turn out differently. Who knows...

Edited May 19, 2012 by surferchic

[unevenXchange]

@surfer , well im glad you sound more at peace w/ your situation. Actually mine will most likely end, its just a matter of me accepting things as they are now.

 

Im the one who stopped communicating w/ HIM and for good reason I guess yet im feeling confused. Why? That's what im tired of... as another poster mentioned its important to think about how I felt when those incidents happened. That's a good thing to do b/c when I think back on the incidents I was always confused and wondering where on earth did the comment or action of his come from?

 

And now since I didn't even contact him on his bday im sure he'd b even more upset if I contacted him now. He let me know that his bday was important to him a while ago by asking me to remember when it was...then asking if I was sure.

 

Im still trying to heal and focus on work and other things in my life to avoid feeling bad for not contacting him...and on his

bday b/c he doesn't even know why i stopped communicating out of the blue.

Edited May 19, 2012 by unevenXchange

[unevenXchange]

Stay strong in your convictions...

 

Funny. I know full well he has some issues to reckon with. So I feel like I know what to do im just having difficulties dealing with the reality of things at this point. As stubborn as he is he may never contact me again. And I really don't even see him actually physically hurting me...I just can't see it. So part of me wonders of I blew things out of proportion. Crazy right?

 

Oh well...when in doubt I remain silent. That doubt is enough to keep me from contacting him, for now at least.

[muse08]

Good. You're on the right track. Stay on it.

[unevenXchange]

Good. You're on the right track. Stay on it.

 

Thanks...

 

But I think im just realizing why this so difficult for me. I never verbally told him anything ...I just stopped contacting him. Should I have given him some sort of explaination via text at least...saying how uncomfortable I started to feel around him? Our last encounter didn't evn involve any of the behavior discussed here... but it did involved a conversation about our relationship. After we left one another that day things were normal but our conversation was still kind of up in the air and he even told me h was thinking about me while I was at work.

 

Do I not need say ANYTHING,even just for my own benefit and closure? Right now I feel like the door is still open for us both.

[ja123]

OP,

 

I just read the first page of posts ... I have to tell you (having lived through conjugal violence myself) that I really don't have a good feeling about this relationship that you are in.

 

All my instincts are telling me to tell you to RUN!

 

This is an article that I read recently. Are You Dating an Abuser? | Psychology Today

 

I could direct you to more info if need be.

 

Take good care of yourself.

[unevenXchange]

OP,

 

I just read the first page of posts ... I have to tell you (having lived through conjugal violence myself) that I really don't have a good feeling about this relationship that you are in.

 

All my instincts are telling me to tell you to RUN!

 

This is an article that I read recently. Are You Dating an Abuser? | Psychology Today

 

I could direct you to more info if need be.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

Yea, thanks . Everyone is saying the same thing and probably mainly because of the forearm/hand gesture or not? I wonder if I hadn't mentioned that what you guys' opinion would be? Just curious.

[ja123]

Yea, thanks . Everyone is saying the same thing and probably mainly because of the forearm/hand gesture or not? I wonder if I hadn't mentioned that what you guys' opinion would be? Just curious.

 

Hi,

 

I hadn't read about the forearm gesture, so you've got my intuition without my having had that knowledge.

 

Hope that makes what I've said more convincing to you.

 

Best wishes.

[unevenXchange]

Hi,

 

I hadn't read about the forearm gesture, so you've got my intuition without my having had that knowledge.

 

Hope that makes what I've said more convincing to you.

 

Best wishes.

 

Thanks for the link. If you have other info I'd appreciate it just the same.

 

So do you not think I should send him a brief text saying why I stopped contacting him and even on his bday? The purpose for me would be told have closure and toblet him know that I don't appreciate the repeated harsh jokes and/gesture... Or do I just leave things as they are?

[carhill]

IMO, it's healthier to be consistent. If your decision is NC, then stick with that. You can write a text or e-mail and get it out there and process it, then delete it. Realize the words, process the feelings which impelled them and which they impel, and then move on from that moment.

 

If the choice is NC, remove contact means so the temptation to read any contacts from him ends. The thread linked in my signature is helpful in this regard.

[2sunny]

I vote for NC.

 

Any contact gives him a perfect opportunity to bash you - even verbal criticism is abuse. Why would you OFFER him that golden opportunity?

 

I'm left wondering why you feel inclined to purposely put yourself in a position of INVITING that opportunity into your life?

 

Find out why YOU would even consider doing THAT. Knowing the answer holds a lot of value for you!

[ja123]

No, I don't think you should send him a text or have any contact with him.

 

It's normal to want closure, of course; but, sometimes, and with some people you cannot get it from their end. As humans are social and wish for interdependency, we, of course, want to be validated and acknowledged. He already doesn't express his emotions, so I am quite certain he will not be able to help with your finding closer.

 

Contacting him again could very well muddy the waters and delay/prevent your process of healing/finding closure. Plus, you are emotionally vulnerable right now, and might end up getting back together with him, only to find out (like you know deep down already) that this isn't the healthy relationship that you want and deserve.

 

You could try writing all your feelings and confusion over the situation down for yourself (it could be in a letter format to him, but don't send it.)

 

You could acknowledge your anger, and deep sadness over this situation. You'd hoped to give and receive love with this man, and the fact that it didn't work out is very sad.

 

Do keep in mind that there are other, more appropriate, partners out there, and that you will find someone someday.

 

Go into your sadness of being alone. Don't run from it. But at the same time, don't let it take over everything either. Set up times to grieve, then plan activities so that you move on from that, too. See some friends, for instance, exercise, go to the movies, have a laugh.

 

Here are some books that have helped me:

 

Susan Forward, Emotional Blackmail

David Burns, Feeling Good

Melody Beattie, The Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps

Henry Cloud, Boundaries

 

Hope that helps!

[unevenXchange]

No, I don't think you should send him a text or have any contact with him.

 

It's normal to want closure, of course; but, sometimes, and with some people you cannot get it from their end. As humans are social and wish for interdependency, we, of course, want to be validated and acknowledged. He already doesn't express his emotions, so I am quite certain he will not be able to help with your finding closer.

 

Contacting him again could very well muddy the waters and delay/prevent your process of healing/finding closure. Plus, you are emotionally vulnerable right now, and might end up getting back together with him, only to find out (like you know deep down already) that this isn't the healthy relationship that you want and deserve.

 

You could try writing all your feelings and confusion over the situation down for yourself (it could be in a letter format to him, but don't send it.)

You could acknowledge your anger, and deep sadness over this situation. You'd hoped to give and receive love with this man, and the fact that it didn't work out is very sad.

 

Do keep in mind that there are other, more appropriate, partners out there, and that you

will find someone someday.

Go into your sadness of being alone. Don't run from it. But at the same time, don't let it take over everything either. Set up times to grieve, then plan activities so that you move on from that, too. See some friends, for instance, exercise, go to the movies, have a laugh.

 

Here are some books that have helped me:

 

Susan Forward, Emotional Blackmail

David Burns, Feeling Good

Melody Beattie, The Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps

Henry Cloud, Boundaries

 

Hope that helps!

Thanks.

It does help. Addressing two last posters, I dont really want to welcome mistreatment back n2 my life. I just thought sending something would help me. Its how I usually move

on.

I realize I'll find someone else... I always do. Actually I just met someone yesterday. I don't have a problem meeting and dating. Its just that they happen to not work out and the guy doesnt turn out being right for me...

 

Prior to meeting this guy i was just getting over a previous relationship but I was fine

being single... until the current Guy's relative asked if she could give my number to him. I agreed and was glad to meet him. His mom told a relative that he has never been so excited and happy about anybody as he has been with me. So to hear those words &now all this...is a bit crazy. I know what I need to do I just find it hard to do. Once im over a guy im over him though. However the process for me is always like this. I function; go to work,laugh, exercise and do other things that make me happy yet this part of my life is a sad and in my quiet time this is my way of dealing with it.

 

People who I know from work or only know casually have no idea im going through this

because I put on a strong happy face for everyone. But even the strongest /biggest smiles have really sad times. This is mine. And even though Ive been posting a lot about this I do

feel better than I felt last week. So im getting better and have erased his text messages

and pix. Just need to erase his number. I haven't memorized his number so if I erased it,

that would be closure in and of itself for real.

 

I'll most likely not contact him but NO CONTACT was never like my main GOAL. it just happened this way because I was confused and felt like since I was confused about the issues at hand, why should I reward him by acknowledging his bday. So NO CONTACT is probably the best way to go especially since I've been doing it for a few weeks now. He texted me last and I never responded because I didn't think I needed to. So I didn't. And him being as he is(following my lead about stuff) didn't contact me either especially once

he realized I wasn't contacting him on his birthday.

 

He's stubborn anyway ,a cop and is used to sitting back keeping military silence and observing and watching when necessary. So he's probably just fine...which makes me accept this no contact a bit easier each day.

Edited May 20, 2012 by unevenXchange

[unevenXchange]

OP,

 

I just read the first page of posts ... I have to tell you (having lived through conjugal violence myself) that I really don't have a good feeling about this relationship that you are in.

 

All my instincts are telling me to tell you to RUN!

 

This is an article that I read recently. Are You Dating an Abuser? | Psychology Today

 

I could direct you to more info if need be.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

And I did read the info from the link. Thanks a bunch! The part about jealousy is what hits home. It spoke about jealousy being not what you expect. That is so him. He wouldn't say

much but when we would go out to eat and the waiter was male, my guy/x looks at me kind of weird like and if im looking or focused on something or someone just casually other than him he turns around to see what im looking at.

 

Once when going to his place I took a magazine with me. He asked in a serious way "why do you have a magazine?!" My thought was that he wanted all my attention to be on him. I dont act that way with him. When im talking on the phone he looks so serious and unpleasant. Its like I can feel tension piercing through my back.

 

I knew something wasn't right about him on the VERY FIRST DATE. "Why didn't I listen to my instinct?" Is what I keep asking myself....shuck

 

Sorry but remembering this stuff is so weird ...

Edited May 20, 2012 by unevenXchange

[luvflower]

Talking about things helps healing. Keep talking. We may not have all the answers but you need to get all this put of your system.

[unevenXchange]

Talking about things helps healing. Keep talking. We may not have all the answers but you need to get all this put of your system.

 

Thanks luvflower. I've made contact w/him...yes I did. Surprisingly enough I kept it brief and didn't give any details saying specifically why I hadn't contacted him on his bday and these several weeks. I honestly feel better getting it off my chest. And although I don't really expect a response I just needed to send that short text bcuz I just stopped communicating w/him out of the blue. It wasn't like an immediate reaction after his "arm gesture". It was just something I kind of just decided to refrain from during his bday and didn't want to verbalize a breakup per se right on his bday. So I just stopped communicating with him about a week prior to his bday.

 

I feel like a load has been lifted off my back... Even if he stays mad at me I can rest easy that my intentions were pure. And the fact that he chooses to be mad, just gives me motivation to move on as I have so many times in past relationships. When the guys doesn't get what he wants he gets mad and pouts. So be it.and I don't think there's a reason to be concerned out him being violent.He has too much on the line w/his job to try anything stupid. He'll probably just fade out.

 

So I feel like I've made peace with the situation, even if not with him.

[2sunny]

Since he hasn't contacted - he's already "faded out". His inaction is evidence of that. So you really already had your answer.

 

A healthy man does NOT pout and get mad - he talks about how he feels. Communicates effectively and works through adversity. That should bea clue when any man isn't healthy.

 

Now you opened the door again - to which you mayget a response, or not.

 

IF he responds - do you plan to respond to humor just end it by NOT responding.

 

Any form of responding IS choosing to participate...

[unevenXchange]

Since he hasn't contacted - he's already "faded out". His inaction is evidence of that. So you really already had your answer.

 

A healthy man does NOT pout and get mad - he talks about how he feels. Communicates effectively and works through adversity. That should bea clue when any man isn't healthy.

 

Now you opened the door again - to which you mayget a response, or not.

 

IF he responds - do you plan to respond to humor just end it by NOT responding.

 

Any form of responding IS choosing to participate...

 

Well my reason for sending him the recent text was not to get a response...it didn't even warrant a response. I sent it to make myself feel better since I just stopped responding to HIM. I was the one who ceased communication and it carried over through his bday and weeks after. So for that reason I feel better now after acknowledging my lack of communication but I wont continue to reach out. So no I don't intend to respond if he responds to my text. I didn't ask him to. I really don't expect

him to respond nor do I expect any other type of contact from him. That's how stubborn he is and that's how much he copies me. Whenever I've had a delays response to him or done something(humorous) totally unrelated to this situation, he literally follows my lead as if he waits for me to cue him as to how to behave or relax or joke or whatever. It sounds crazy but this is the type of guy he is...that's what I was dealing with. And it does not encourage me to really WANT him in my life anymore.

 

I texted him to be decent enough to admit I missed his bday and hadn't responded to his last message prior to his bday, but there were reasons why and my being unhappy is not an option nor is it something I deserve.

 

I never said he was healthy. I know he has a few weird things going on , some of which I noticed on our very FIRST date. And with the insight I received here in loveshack and from other sources I now know which things to look out for in men. Im still not perfect myself

and did miss him at first due to the initial separation that I initiated.

 

Thanks

Edited May 22, 2012 by unevenXchange

[ja123]

Well, I'm glad the link was of help!

 

It's true, the signs are usually there right from the beginning. It is so important to trust our own instincts, as you say.

 

Hopefully, he will not contact you.

 

The positive thing about this is that you didn't stay too long and you've learnt something from the experience!

[unevenXchange]

Well, I'm glad the link was of help!

 

It's true, the signs are usually there right from the beginning. It is so important to trust our own instincts, as you say.

 

Hopefully, he will not contact you.

 

The positive thing about this is that you didn't stay too long and you've learnt something from the experience!

 

Yes,good point. I've been trying to focus on the positive from this situation.

 

Thanks

[unevenXchange]

Thanks I will stay focused on me. Staying focused on me was a challenge prior to sending the text,but is easier now...amazing

Edited May 22, 2012 by unevenXchange

[muse08]

Perhaps you're having a breakthrough...of some sort?

[unevenXchange]

Perhaps you're having a breakthrough...of some sort?[/QUOT]

 

Maybe, maybe not. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

I know the facts pertaining to this relationship,yet for some reason im up one day and down the next wondering what could I have done wrong or could I have done something differtly...

 

That's about where im at...

[muse08]

Stay positive. You're probably healing better than you think.

 

Think of it this way, regardless of how things turn out the ball has always been in your court as someone else mentioned. You stopped contact with im on YOUR terms. Not saying that this is good or bad,but You didn't contact him on his birthday ...YOUR terms. You chose to send him a text,still your terms and its not like the messages asked for a response, from what you said.

 

So my thoughts are that you're better off without him but its going to take a process to get over anyone youve shared time and affection with. So that's to be expected. Based on the points you brought up in ur initial post,he's probably too ashamed to even make contact at this point especially with the issues he has, i.e. insecurity,possessiveness and #5 or 6 on the list...seriously. as a man and having an issue w/that sensitive topic...come on, he may even feel like you backed off because of his "malfunction". Many women who I know would have left him a long time ago for several reasons...

 

Did the malfunction happen during your last encounter w/ him?

 

You may or may not ever hear from him again but know that you've made a wise decision to let go now rather than later.

[unevenXchange]

(Yes@Muse. The malfunction did happen the last time we were together)

 

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Still thinking about how the situation ended.

 

I got to work. Do my job. Im constantly engaged with people throughout the day. However, in my quiet time and at home I get mixed feelings. Sometimes I feel anxious other times sad. I've felt a bit anxious shortly after we started seeing each other. Mainly because of this: when we first started seeing one another I was living with someone..guy..roommate. I told X about roommate new years Eve when he came over and roommate wasn't there. On that night he asked me if there was reason for him to be jealous. I told him no.

 

Few weeks after that I noticed a guy alone near the garage of where I was parking to see a movie. Once I got in the theater the guy was there just standing alone again just standing and observing. He wasn't security, I frequent the theater enough... so I get my ticket.go intonmy movie and once its over the SAME guy is standing right outside the movie room that I was walking out of. I didn't panic but it was real strange. I noticed a similar incident just 2 days ago as I was coming out of a store. This recent X is a cop so of course he would lent b doing any detailing himself... and hopefully he's not wasting his time having anyone else do it just to see if he really has a reason to be jealous or to see if I've been seeing someone during this time away from him.