Men who are trying to hide their control issues...

[mortensorchid]

Yikes. This sounds a little extreme. But that is typical behavior for those in law enforcement. I have two close men friends who are in law enforcement (one is a DEA Agent the other is a corrections officer). They are controlling to say the least, but they are used to bossing people around who otherwise cannot, will not behave themselves. One asked me if I knew the man I was chatting with - I assured him that yes I did know him, we were in a class at a local college together, we sit next to each other and chit chat. The key is to find a happy medium, tell him that you are uncomfortable with some behaviors. If he will not bend, then you have to consider ending it.

 

But don't think this is confined to someone who is in law enforcement. I had a former bf years ago who was/is OCD, controlling and quite heartless when you got down to it. He said that if I did not loose weight and quit smoking this was not going to be a permanent set up. After I had dropped about 30 of the 45 lbs I would eventually loose, and had successfully quit smoking for about 6 weeks, he was furious with me. It took me too long to do it, he said.

 

I experienced something called conditional love. That is, love is not something that is met with demands and agendas to be met, love is something that should just be. And when I met his conditions, he was angry because I showed him that I could do it and he couldn't. Barely a year later, he married another woman. She had two children (one from each previous marriage) who he was supporting. Eventually she too ran off and married husband #4, then divorced #4 about a year later as well. Now he's REALLY alone. So much for conditional love.

[2sunny]

No need to respond - unless YOU intend to be a WILLING participant in his abuse.

 

Please, cut the crap! She is not a willing participant in his abuse just because she's still confused about his behavior. I know you're trying to "wake" her up, so to speak, but many women are just shamed by this idea that if they stay in a relationship, they are participants in the abuse. Let the blame of the abuse stay with the abuser. The more that abused people, and the bystanders, understand that the abusive person is choosing to be abusive and that it's on them to change, the more energy they can focus on getting out of the situation.

 

Sheez Angie - I intended to be encouraging and allow her to see that she does have choices. I wasn't "shaming her" - at all.

 

I think she's doing great and staying strong.

 

And I'm not "trying to wake her up"! Only SHE can do that.

 

Please don't jump at me with assumptions. It makes me think you're taking something here personally.

[unevenXchange]

Whoa. Hold your horses guys.

 

Regardless, I appreciate all posts as Long as they're not completely negative. Someone will benefit from the points of views whether the wording is exactly what we'd choose to say or not.

 

What I will say is that everyone deals with things differently based on their past experiences and makeup. Im strong and determined and once im over a guy im really over him without going bac. However, it takes me a while to get over relationships most likely because im sincerely trying to get over them for good... especially if that's what ye circumstances warrant.

 

This guy was different from the others I thought. We started off slower than usual..I wanted to be very deliberate about that. He was different in that he was more "reserved" so I thought. Now im seeing that his reserved behavior was perhaps just a way for him to cover his true self. And i could always see how happy he was when we were together. Even if he was in som funky mood from work, he told me that no matter how bad he was feelig i always make him feel better. All that is a bit difficult for me to deal with.

Edited May 14, 2012 by unevenXchange

[angie2443]

Sheez Angie - I intended to be encouraging and allow her to see that she does have choices. I wasn't "shaming her" - at all.

 

I think she's doing great and staying strong.

 

And I'm not "trying to wake her up"! Only SHE can do that.

 

Please don't jump at me with assumptions. It makes me think you're taking something here personally.

 

Saying that someone who stays with an abusive person is a willing participant, is false, and supports the abusive person. One of the rules in the abuser's handbook is to shift the blame for their behavior on everyone/everything else but themselves. Society often supports this rule when they say things like "if they stay, they must want it" or "if they stay, then they deserve it", or "if they stay they are a willing participant". Women stay for many reasons. In the more extreme cases, it can be fear. The most dangerous time for women with a partner who uses physical abuse is when she leaves. Some women stay for financial reasons. Leaving their partner may leave their children and themselves in poverty. This is a reality for some, and living in poverty has it's own consequences.

 

Many, many women stay because abusive people are often very skilled at fooling their partners and others into thinking that they are not really abusive, they just have "anger management" problems (if a person can control their emotions when it benifits them, their is no anger management issue), or they just have a certain way of joking, or their partner is just too sensitive to their "helpful" comments. Gaslighting in some way shape or form is always used. The abuse does not always esculate in an obvious way. Most abusive people would rather avoid having the police called on them or other people sieng bruses on their partner. If they can control with manipulation, it works better for them, especially if they can convince their partner and society that their a good guy just trying to help their partner. Also, keep in mind that most abusive people hide their abusive tendencies untill a relationship is established, or the woman is tied down by a pregnancy. When the hook is in, they start letting their true colors show. All this is very confusing, and that is the point. Telling someone that they will be a willing participant when they are bieng gaslighted like this makes no sense.

[angie2443]

Whoa. Hold your horses guys.

 

Regardless, I appreciate all posts as Long as they're not completely negative. Someone will benefit from the points of views whether the wording is exactly what we'd choose to say or not.

 

What I will say is that everyone deals with things differently based on their past experiences and makeup. Im strong and determined and once im over a guy im really over him without going bac. However, it takes me a while to get over relationships most likely because im sincerely trying to get over them for good... especially if that's what ye circumstances warrant.

 

This guy was different from the others I thought. We started off slower than usual..I wanted to be very deliberate about that. He was different in that he was more "reserved" so I thought. Now im seeing that his reserved behavior was perhaps just a way for him to cover his true self. And i could always see how happy he was when we were together. Even if he was in som funky mood from work, he told me that no matter how bad he was feelig i always make him feel better. All that is a bit difficult for me to deal with.

 

We don't know what happens behind closed doors. All we have to go on is your posts. Having said that, you've said many things that indicate your boyfriend is an abusive person. 2Sunny and I seem to agree on that at least.

 

I've known many women in your situation. They are often confused, because their partners are putting on a good act. Their partners are hiding things, and their partners can also be or act affectionate. It's meant to confuse.

 

If you stay with this guy, avoid any commitments like living together or having children (if he hurts you, physically, verbally or however, he'll hurt the children). Watch his actions, they speak louder than his words. If a joke bothers you, tell him. If he keeps the joke up, or switches it to something simular, or tells you that you're too sensitive, or tells you he just has a weird sense of humor, he's trying to manipulate you. People who respect your feelings stop a behavior if it hurts you or makes you feel unconfortable (I'm talking about behaviors that affect you, ofcourse).

 

Good luck with everything.

[wezol]

I've known many women in your situation. They are often confused, because their partners are putting on a good act. Their partners are hiding things, and their partners can also be or act affectionate. It's meant to confuse.

 

If you stay with this guy, avoid any commitments like living together or having children (if he hurts you, physically, verbally or however, he'll hurt the children). Watch his actions, they speak louder than his words. If a joke bothers you, tell him. If he keeps the joke up, or switches it to something simular, or tells you that you're too sensitive, or tells you he just has a weird sense of humor, he's trying to manipulate you. People who respect your feelings stop a behavior if it hurts you or makes you feel unconfortable (I'm talking about behaviors that affect you, ofcourse).

 

Good luck with everything.

 

You say some of these things like it's fact and is always the case. It's not as black and white as you make it sound. I'm not disagreeing with in the sense that her boyfriend may be abusive, but I want to clarify something. I just got done dealing with this particular subject this weekend (in bold), so it's fresh in my mind.

 

Law Enforcement/Soldiers, especially soldiers who routinely go outside the wire, DO have a completely different sense of humor than a huge majority of people. We spend our time seeing, smelling, causing, reacting, etc etc., to the harsh realities the world that most people do not see. You learn to laugh at it, find humor in situations that most people can't imagine. You develop a dark sense of humor, because it's our way of coping with it. It just is the way it is. When we come home, whether it be from patrolling the streets of Detroit, or Fallujah, we do have realize there is a time and place for that type of humor.

 

I do agree that if he does/says something in a joking way and she finds it offensive, he should tone it down a little. But I do NOT believe that it's his way of manipulating her in any way.

 

Just my .02

[angie2443]

You say some of these things like it's fact and is always the case. It's not as black and white as you make it sound. I'm not disagreeing with in the sense that her boyfriend may be abusive, but I want to clarify something. I just got done dealing with this particular subject this weekend (in bold), so it's fresh in my mind.

 

Law Enforcement/Soldiers, especially soldiers who routinely go outside the wire, DO have a completely different sense of humor than a huge majority of people. We spend our time seeing, smelling, causing, reacting, etc etc., to the harsh realities the world that most people do not see. You learn to laugh at it, find humor in situations that most people can't imagine. You develop a dark sense of humor, because it's our way of coping with it. It just is the way it is. When we come home, whether it be from patrolling the streets of Detroit, or Fallujah, we do have realize there is a time and place for that type of humor.

 

I do agree that if he does/says something in a joking way and she finds it offensive, he should tone it down a little. But I do NOT believe that it's his way of manipulating her in any way.

 

Just my .02

 

 

I like dark humor. I've heard jokes regaurding cancer and the Holocost that were funny. However, these jokes were sympathethic (told from the point of view of) to the people who were harmed in these situations. It's one thing to hear a joke about domestic violence from someone who's been through it and is using the joke to tell it like it is from the side of the harmed person. It's another thing to hear a joke that minimizes abuse and/or comes out of the mouth an abuser.

 

Also, I don't know that her boyfriend has experienced much violence in his job. Some cops do get the more dangerous jobs, others (I know one) supervise workers who give out tickets to cars parked in the wrong spots at parking lots.

[unevenXchange]

Saying that someone who stays with an abusive person is a willing participant, is false, and supports the abusive person. One of the rules in the abuser's handbook is to shift the blame for their behavior on everyone/everything else but themselves. Society often supports this rule when they say things like "if they stay, they must want it" or "if they stay, then they deserve it", or "if they stay they are a willing participant". Women stay for many reasons. In the more extreme cases, it can be fear. The most dangerous time for women with a partner who uses physical abuse is when she leaves. Some women stay for financial reasons. Leaving their partner may leave their children and themselves in poverty. This is a reality for some, and living in poverty has it's own consequences.

 

Many, many women stay because abusive people are often very skilled at fooling their partners and others into thinking that they are not really abusive, they just have "anger management" problems (if a person can control their emotions when it benifits them, their is no anger management issue), or they just have a certain way of joking, or their partner is just too sensitive to their "helpful" comments. Gaslighting in some way shape or form is always used. The abuse does not always esculate in an obvious way. Most abusive people would rather avoid having the police called on them or other people sieng bruses on their partner. If they can control with manipulation, it works better for them, especially if they can convince their partner and society that their a good guy just trying to help their partner. Also, keep in mind that most abusive people hide their abusive tendencies untill a relationship is established, or the woman is tied down by a pregnancy. When the hook is in, they start letting their true colors show. All this is very confusing, and that is the point. Telling someone that they will be a willing participant when they are bieng gaslighted like this makes no sense.

 

Thank you.

[wezol]

I like dark humor. I've heard jokes regaurding cancer and the Holocost that were funny. However, these jokes were sympathethic (told from the point of view of) to the people who were harmed in these situations. It's one thing to hear a joke about domestic violence from someone who's been through it and is using the joke to tell it like it is from the side of the harmed person. It's another thing to hear a joke that minimizes abuse and/or comes out of the mouth an abuser.

 

Also, I don't know that her boyfriend has experienced much violence in his job. Some cops do get the more dangerous jobs, others (I know one) supervise workers who give out tickets to cars parked in the wrong spots at parking lots.

 

Yeah, I see your point now.

[unevenXchange]

I like dark humor. I've heard jokes regaurding cancer and the Holocost that were funny. However, these jokes were sympathethic (told from the point of view of) to the people who were harmed in these situations. It's one thing to hear a joke about domestic violence from someone who's been through it and is using the joke to tell it like it is from the side of the harmed person. It's another thing to hear a joke that minimizes abuse and/or comes out of the mouth an abuser.

 

Also, I don't know that her boyfriend has experienced much violence in his job. Some cops do get the more dangerous jobs, others (I know one) supervise workers who give out tickets to cars parked in the wrong spots at parking lots.

 

His position requires him to be VERY physically aggressive daily in order to deal with the situations and people he deals with daily on his job. So yeah, unfortunately that's the nature of his job. I understand this. I just didn't know and perhaps still don't know the full extent that his work affects his personal life. He always denies anything being wrong with him. Sometimes I

sensed him being defensive about his ability to switch off work from home.

 

His job is very violent on a regular basis. He's on a special team on the streets regularly. Yes violence and force comes with the territory.

Edited May 14, 2012 by unevenXchange

[surferchic]

Dark humor is cool w/me too. It's the jokes to known victims or witnesses,that's inappropriate.

[2sunny]

Saying that someone who stays with an abusive person is a willing participant, is false, and supports the abusive person. One of the rules in the abuser's handbook is to shift the blame for their behavior on everyone/everything else but themselves. Society often supports this rule when they say things like "if they stay, they must want it" or "if they stay, then they deserve it", or "if they stay they are a willing participant". Women stay for many reasons. In the more extreme cases, it can be fear. The most dangerous time for women with a partner who uses physical abuse is when she leaves. Some women stay for financial reasons. Leaving their partner may leave their children and themselves in poverty. This is a reality for some, and living in poverty has it's own consequences.

 

Many, many women stay because abusive people are often very skilled at fooling their partners and others into thinking that they are not really abusive, they just have "anger management" problems (if a person can control their emotions when it benifits them, their is no anger management issue), or they just have a certain way of joking, or their partner is just too sensitive to their "helpful" comments. Gaslighting in some way shape or form is always used. The abuse does not always esculate in an obvious way. Most abusive people would rather avoid having the police called on them or other people sieng bruses on their partner. If they can control with manipulation, it works better for them, especially if they can convince their partner and society that their a good guy just trying to help their partner. Also, keep in mind that most abusive people hide their abusive tendencies untill a relationship is established, or the woman is tied down by a pregnancy. When the hook is in, they start letting their true colors show. All this is very confusing, and that is the point. Telling someone that they will be a willing participant when they are bieng gaslighted like this makes no sense.

 

I never said "she must want it" - she's being strong and I admire her strength.

 

Many abusive relationships aren't physical abuse - many are emotional, controlling and manipulative.

 

I was one of those victims... For a long time. I ALLOWED it by going along with it - by making it ok in my mind.

 

I finally stopped "allowing it".

 

Does THAT make you happy now Angie?

 

I was only trying to encourage the OP - in telling her she doesn't have to participate. That she does have choices.

 

She deserves the best!

 

I don't need you to agree with MY experience and perspective - which is MY truth.

[unevenXchange]

The perspectives of people who expect people to be able to leave situations like this very easily, is understandable just not always realistic...realistic...realistic... .(intentional repetition )

 

As the other poster mentioned things are not as black and white as you may think

I feel like im holding onto the good times more than the negative. And although this isn't about other men, guys still approached me while involved w/this guy and they still do. So its not like I don't have options. I don't ignore every other guy just because of this guy in question...glad I didnt't. But at the same time, I need healing from this situation before moving on to someone else or just the rest of my life in which I have plenty to be thankful for.

 

I just find it hard to believe that this guy in question would actually hurt me physically even with that comment and gesture.

 

Now in retrospect there were guys who made suggestions about wanting to use force to control me. One dude said when I wouldn't return his calls" I can't make you do nothing, I can't choke you to make you call me back". That comment coupled with other thigs contributed to me leaving him. Another guy raised his fist at me as if he were going to hit me when he kept seeing my ex's number come up in my phone. I don't know if this current guy has ever looked intobmy phone while I was sleeping but its possible he's seen another guy's number or text in my phone. I do have friends who still contacted me when I was with this guy on occasion but never out loud when the ringer was on.

 

The fact that this current guy /x in question is a cop who deals w/ cruddy people on a daily basis may make him paranoid about everything. Even though he says he feels im honest, I wonder if really trusts/trusted me... especially when he'd make certain comments to me.

 

I want to be over him. Perhaps im over him more than I realize seeing how I haven't been motivated to make contact with him... not after his last text to me or on his birthday. Hmmm. He would probably be too upset with me if I ever contacted him again. I feel like he'd use the first opportunity he had to get revenge in some way...seriously.

[unevenXchange]

I don't mind dark humor either. Our humor was something that we absolutely loved in one another. In retrospect he often said while looking at me as if there was some deeper meaning,"im SO glad you have a sense of humor"... as if the sense of humor were going to solve big issues and take on the world. Wow... its amazing how talking about this stuff helps me to remember all sorts of little details... seriously. The fact that he's a cop, makes more sense that he may have been very CAREFUL in how he chose his wording and proceeded with me. Wow...

[surferchic]

I understand where you're coming from.

 

Time will heal you.

[unevenXchange]

I understand where you're coming from.

 

Time will heal you.

 

You're right... time, taint with people who genuinely care, and God.

 

However no one knows the depth my pain but me. People try to console you and its greatly appreciated but I want to just be over this guy. And I don't want to join a speed dating event or a needle point class just to get over him. Then I'll think of him everytime I do needle point a go to a speed date event...

 

Just my though~

[muse08]

You meter know how things will transpire. My guess is that even if you reached out to him at this point he may not respond to you immediately ....myb later. And thats a big maybe by the ssounds of him. While you are hurting or confused he's probably equally upset that you refused to contact him on his bday and that alone may cause him to plot and plan revenge as soon as he has you hooked. Trust me I know.

 

I would count this as a lesson learned that its not your fault. You can't control the feelings and actions of others,good or bad.

[blueskyday]

I understand. Been there in abusive relationships several times, and I've learned a lot.

 

Remember that abusers LOVE for you to doubt your own instincts. In fact, they are banking on the fact that you are a good person who will give them good intentions...and will make excuses for their bad behavior.

 

Oh, but they are good at coming right to the line, and then stopping. You are left scratching your head, thinking, "Well, he just had a bad day. He's worried about me. He didn't really yell too loudly. He explained how much he wants to protect me...blah blah."

 

Then, once the behavior is accepted, it escalates. Your line gets moved, slowly...I know you know all this.

 

Yes, the abuse is all on the abuser. No woman wants to be abused. No woman stays because "she likes it." It infuriates me to hear that, so I always educate people on that point. No, woman stay because they have hope and faith that the man they are with is a good man....because he WAS a good man at one time, and was kind, loving, etc.

 

We try to get the man back to that original guy. Problem is, that was all a fake out. The quicker the OP realizes that this guy's intent is to control her, and that he only sees her as an object, the quicker she will clear her mind. He doesn't care about how you feel, or what you want....

 

See, the abuser is counting on cognitive dissonance, which means that it creates a lot of stress to hold two opposing thoughts in your mind. "He's a great guy who brought me soup when I was sick....He just held his fist up to my face and said 'This is how it would feel if I hit you.'..."

 

Simply believe he is a jerk. Erase all hope. Make it easy on your mind.

 

My therapist taught me to focus on how I felt. That's your best indicator. Oh, and the OP said she thought something was off on the first date. Yes, I did too, and talked myself out of it....never again! Listen to that voice.

 

Where I went wrong, is to have stayed, to have made his behavior okay in my own mind. If I had been healthier, I would have left very early on. So, I do take responsibility for that...now, I don't need too much info. The fist in the face would have made me turn and run!

 

So, for the OP, now, the best way out is to blame it on yourself when you talk to him. (Even though it's NOT true!) Simply say you are confused, messed up and need to be alone. He will easily blame you. Your goal is to get out without any drama.

 

Keep strong. Don't get pulled back into things because he is backing off. It's normal to want to move towards someone when they are pulling away. It's an attraction/energy thing.

 

Just remember it will go away.

Edited May 16, 2012 by blueskyday

[unevenXchange]

Thanks @bluskyday. I read over your post and feel like I need to print it out to remember. It make sound strange but I need to hear this information repeatedly to keep it ingrained in my head and heart.

 

Im so used to being the 'victim', it seems like I can't move on until I feel like I've reached out to a guy before letting him go completely. I guess this situation is different.

[2sunny]

I think you're doing great. No need to accept his unacceptable behavior!

[unevenXchange]

For what its worth, Just wanted to clarify what blueskyday mentioned about fist in my face. He nevevr put his fist n my face. He put his forearm up to my face in an upright position, touching my face whiv made it threatening and flat out dumb...then he made that strange comment while I was watching TV. Needless to say the comments got my attention so I asked him "where in the world did that comment come from! Its not funny. You'll see how it feels if I hit u back! I have seen DV first hand im my family..." his response..."wow, you really do have issues" in my mind I was in double shock that he was crazy enoough to try to project his issues onto me... so yeah I do remember how I felt at those moments...confused, mad, shocked and in awe...

Edited May 17, 2012 by unevenXchange

[luvflower]

(Title correction: Men who Try hiding their control issues.omit "are" of course.sorry)

 

Hello all~

 

I've been reading posts about controlling men and some who are cops. I've been dating a cop for a little while now. We're still learning each other and enjoying every minute we spend together. To me he's a really great guy. Although, he doesn't express the way he feels about us much but does express that he can never get enough of me. Im probably more expressive than he is and wish he'd open up. What has jolted me though are a few instances where he's made comments that display an emotion that I don't recognize from him, so called I'll call it control...? The instances are as follows. Let me know if there is a better word for this behavior from someone who doesn't really show much emotion regarding his emotions:

 

1. When i say I'll call him back, he's started calling me back before I get a chance to call him back.

 

2. When he comes to my place and I don't answer the door soon enough he tends to knock repeatedly if I don't open the door IMMEDIATELY. It makes me feel a bit of anxiety when I know he's about to come over.

 

3. When I don't call him exactly when he thinks I should be off of work, he asks me why did I leave work so late...

 

4. Once I was wearing a sweatshirt from another state, when he got into my place he immediately asked me where I got the "dumb shirt"(not a smile on his face)

 

5. Last but not least, he has issues with impotence... it frustrates him and he knows its frustrating for me as well, but I try to never make him feel bad about it...

 

6. He often makes jokes about domestic violence...?...

 

~in conversation about our relationship, he's made the comment that he can show me better than he can tell me...

 

Its evident that you're going through a healing process. Im sure you miss him and the"good" times and that's all understandable.

Just remember that if you're going through lots of confusion , that in and of itself may be

something to pay attention to.

 

Btw,how exactly did he put his hand,arm,fist etc up to your face?

[muse08]

Stay strong in your convictions...

[surferchic]

Not quite sure what my convictions are accept for the fact that I do not plan on playing this whole song and dance anymore. I have no intention of waiting for him to make a move.

 

I honestly stopped contact w/him bcuz I no longer knew what to do or what to say and didn't want to nag. So I guess it is what it is and im accepting that this is it. Its just not meant to be. I enjoyed him but no contact from him may very well be what I need...

Edited May 19, 2012 by surferchic

[2sunny]

Not quite sure what my convictions are accept for the fact that I do not plan on playing this whole song and dance anymore. I have no intention of waiting for him to make a move.

 

I honestly stopped contact w/him bcuz I no longer knew what to do or what to say and didn't want to nag. So I guess it is what it is and im accepting that this is it. Its just not meant to be. I enjoyed him but no contact from him may very well be what I need...

 

Surfer - are you uneven exchange?