Author unevenXchange Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 I know the symptoms well. I've sponsored many military men and women who turned to alcohol and drugs as their "solution" to their anger. It takes time to recover from trauma - yes- I saw one of the top trauma counselors in the nation after I got sober. Saw her every week for six months. Learned a new way to "live life" and my world now is completely different! Thank God! But no one says another person needs to stay while you go through the tough work that only you can address and move past. It takes LETTING GO of what drags us down! It takes facing our fears! It takes moving to THE OTHER SIDE of all those fears! You can't do it if you hang on to the past. Just curious as to whether or not you know if de-briefing is available for cops daily or weekely when they end their shifts?
2sunny Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Just curious as to whether or not you know if de-briefing is available for cops daily or weekely when they end their shifts? I'm not sure.
wezol Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Just curious as to whether or not you know if de-briefing is available for cops daily or weekely when they end their shifts? I'm sure there are trauma counselors, and resources out there for cops to take advantage of. Many people wait until after the retire, or move on to a other line of work until they do anything about it, for fear of stigma. What works well for most vets, and cops alike, are just talking and confiding in one another. But it sounds like the relationship is pretty much over? If that's the case, I wouldn't try and "fix" him. It does cause a lot of stress and strain, and it's not really worth your time/pain/frustration that would be putting into it. My .02
Author unevenXchange Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 I'm sure there are trauma counselors, and resources out there for cops to take advantage of. Many people wait until after the retire, or move on to a other line of work until they do anything about it, for fear of stigma. What works well for most vets, and cops alike, are just talking and confiding in one another. But it sounds like the relationship is pretty much over? If that's the case, I wouldn't try and "fix" him. It does cause a lot of stress and strain, and it's not really worth your time/pain/frustration that would be putting into it. My .02 Yea I know. Was just curious . Its pretty much over & nothing else im going to do. I haven't contacted him since his last text to me. Didn't see the need to respond... Our last time together included him not sustaining was thinking about me aftasion. He told me he was thinking about me he was thinking about me a few days later. I didn't respond until a day after that message. Perhaps he thought I did it intentionally because he didn't sustain our time of intimacy...? Yes I went over in my mind how that issue Changes his behavior each time it has happened. Truthfully though, currently I miss the good times we shared but don't miss the uneasiness of not knowing his mood swings.
muse08 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Hey may have been getting counseling after his shift. I know a cop who told me about how many cops may get counseling and not even let people know about it because of fear of having that stigma attached to them by their coworkers or loves ones. I can see that happening with your guy/X OP. Not that it really matters at this point I don't guess...?
surferchic Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 So the last contact you two had was good, bad, tense, awkward? I only ask because analyzing things as you seem to do OP, can help or harm. You should analyze how you felt during and after you two were together.Obviously you are uneasyand not very satisfied with several parts of him and/ the relationship you had w/ him. You described you feelings as uneasy and/or anxious You discuss the good things about him as well as the notsogood. Im sure you two had some great moments together, but that happens. And perhaos it may help to not neglect the good or bad times but to be aware of them and learn from the experience with him as a whole. Like case study,so to speak. And above all things don't beat yourself up or go around wondering what you DD to bring this these negative qualities out of him. It was in him prior to meeting you..he's more than likely displayed them prior to meeting you and he will continue to display them in the future. You have no control over another person's behavior, good or bad. Even if he was sweet to you its because he wanted to be and probably have a calming affect on him whether you realize it or not. The way you describe yourself leads me to believe that you are the type of person (free spirited,confident mostly, and caring for others) that draws people to you and that's all good. Here's the kicker, one must tread carefully when being that "type" of person. Why? You often get life and joy sucked out of you. Those who are drawn to you may drain you leaving you feeling worse than they feel about themselves. Im referring to the men mostly with whom you have intimate relationships with similar to the one in question. Because of the issues he has,he may feel inadequate in many ways. Of course he wont verbalize that to you. So he acts out , making the issues manifest themselves in ways that render he relationship jut draining for you. He transfers his negative energy onto you making you unfamiliar with your own self..."who in the world have I become? Why do I feel so drained or anxious or depressed?" I've been there. Its no fun.
Author unevenXchange Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 (edited) so true . Will remember that myself . Gotta check my feelings and why im feeling a certain way at a certain time. Edited May 10, 2012 by unevenXchange
2sunny Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 From my experience the good times very amazingly great and the bad times extremely dark and scary. I don't miss the roller coaster of emotions I felt while being with my exH. I like consistent calm now.
Author unevenXchange Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 From my experience the good times very amazingly great and the bad times extremely dark and scary. I don't miss the roller coaster of emotions I felt while being with my exH. I like consistent calm now. Same here. You just never really know a person completelny until certain things happen.
2sunny Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 But it IS the things that DO happen that give reasons to either cut and run or stay knowing things are terribly wrong. In a healthy R - it is easy, relaxed and full of trust and comfort for me now. It's never having my gut kick me that something is terribly "off". Peace of mind is everything when dating a man.
Author unevenXchange Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 But it IS the things that DO happen that give reasons to either cut and run or stay knowing things are terribly wrong. In a healthy R - it is easy, relaxed and full of trust and comfort for me now. It's never having my gut kick me that something is terribly "off". Peace of mind is everything when dating a man. True. I look forward to that.
surferchic Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 True. I look forward to that. Same here. I'm learning to be patient and not rush things. If the relationship doesn't eventually move on the direction I desire, I have to leave. If there's no peace I DEFINITELY have to leave...
Author unevenXchange Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 As crazy as it seems i still miss him in some ways. Not the issues but it just seems like he will change for the better...maybe,maybe not?
2sunny Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 As crazy as it seems i still miss him in some ways. Not the issues but it just seems like he will change for the better...maybe,maybe not? He's not likely to change - he's more likely looking for someone new to tolerate his odd and controlling behavior.
Author unevenXchange Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 He's not likely to change - he's more likely looking for someone new to tolerate his odd and controlling behavior. You're probably right while waiting to see who will go chasing after him after playing this control game. Although I miss the good times, i don't have the time or energy to chase any man.I think I'd lose all my self respect...
muse08 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I actually think he will change... For a minute that is. Then he'll return his same unpleasant behavior once he gets your attention again and thinks he has you hooked. I can see things getting progressively worse each time you think things are getting better.
Author unevenXchange Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 You all make great points... He just texted me,btw.
2sunny Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 You all make great points... He just texted me,btw. No need to respond - unless YOU intend to be a WILLING participant in his abuse.
2sunny Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 You all make great points... He just texted me,btw. He waited - .he hopes - long enough to see if you "forgot" how controlling he can be...
Author unevenXchange Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 He waited - .he hopes - long enough to see if you "forgot" how controlling he can be... Lol...nope. I'll never forget and I haven't responded.
angie2443 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 No need to respond - unless YOU intend to be a WILLING participant in his abuse. Please, cut the crap! She is not a willing participant in his abuse just because she's still confused about his behavior. I know you're trying to "wake" her up, so to speak, but many women are just shamed by this idea that if they stay in a relationship, they are participants in the abuse. Let the blame of the abuse stay with the abuser. The more that abused people, and the bystanders, understand that the abusive person is choosing to be abusive and that it's on them to change, the more energy they can focus on getting out of the situation.
Author unevenXchange Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) Please, cut the crap! She is not a willing participant in his abuse just because she's still confused about his behavior. I know you're trying to "wake" her up, so to speak, but many women are just shamed by this idea that if they stay in a relationship, they are participants in the abuse. Let the blame of the abuse stay with the abuser. The more that abused people, and the bystanders, understand that the abusive person is choosing to be abusive and that it's on them to change, the more energy they can focus on getting out of the situation. I really appreciate your post. Im so busy sorting out my feelings and going over the things I recall him doing and saying, that I didn't even have the energy to respond to the previous post as I normally would have. It's just that I really am confused. Could he have just been innocently joking regarding the hand and arm gesture? Did I blow it out of proportion? Those are the questions I keep going over in my mind. But even if he were joking how would you explain the expression on his face(Stoic) and without laughing at all. And how do you explain his being rather emotionally distant ,but then questioning me when I don't open my door soon enough for him when he knocks. And him calling my body spray "stripper glitter" w/ a serious face. He's not all bad and that's why I feel so confused. Edited May 13, 2012 by unevenXchange
Author unevenXchange Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 Mind you I thought the stripper glitter comment was actually funny because I couldn't believe how serious he was about it...he dis not crack a smile. so I laughed at him when he said it. I did not laugh at the arm gesture though. But I continue to wear my "stripper glitter" and will not allow someone to make me feel like a bad person b/c of that or because I left work later than usual or b/c I don't answer the door soon enough. My concern is that when a man like him sees that I wont change who I am b/c just because he whines about something, what further measures will he take to TRY to control a female...not even physically but emotionally...
surferchic Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 A lot of these can be attributed to his job. The knocking on the door thing, is what he's used to doing at work. The jokes about domestic violence, are most likely a coping mechanism for having to deal with *******s all day. I know quite a few cops, and myself and the guys I was deployed with make a lot of jokes about death and violence, but it's a coping mechanism to help us deal with what has happened. Being impatient is part of the territory, it just happens in that line of work. I've been there, most of my friends have been there, etc etc. EDIT: I just read a post about him being distant.... If you'd like, you're more than welcome to PM me and I may be able to clear some things up, but I'd rather it be in private. Hello. Was reading through the thread and came across your post. If you could share w/me the info that you were going to share w/ unevenxchange. PM me .I'd appreciate it. Thanks.
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