Men who are trying to hide their control issues...

[unevenXchange]

You can analyze him and try to figure out WHY he does the things he does and what his motivation is. You can spend time going over every thing he has done or said and consider what he must have been thinking.

 

But in the end, the result is the same.

 

You are in a relationship where you don't feel 100% free to be yourself without criticism or blame.

 

You are in a relationship with someone who you can't communicate openly with.

 

You are in a relationship where you regularly feel uncomfortable and awkward.

 

You are in a relationship that doesn't make SENSE. What he does is unnatural for you and leaves you feeling just...wrong.

 

These are the facts. And it won't get better. The person you are with should "get" you, and you should "get" them.

 

I would be honest with him... tell him that there are some basic personality differences that just makes you incompatible as a couple. You like him as a person and he didn't do anything wrong, but it just doesn't feel right. And let him go.

 

You're right just as the rest of the posters. I agree with all you said except the part about telling him he didnt do anything wong...he did do something wrong. Several things wrong. Not sure if I should point anything out generally speaking or not. And do I even bother with an explanation? Some say yes some say no. I planned on not saying anything since he's been distant lately anyway.

 

I don't think I need to say anything or give am explanation...even if his bday is this week

[muse08]

I agree...

 

Otherwise, you'd be opening up the door for a different energy ...his energy. While tings are 'quiet' I'd refrain from contact w/ him.

[unevenXchange]

I think this will be a clean break...

 

I'll charge all the rest to the game...

Edited May 9, 2012 by unevenXchange

[surferchic]

This is the time to start preparing to heal.

 

I understand firsthand what this can be like. Im sure others can as well. Male or female, when ending a relatiinshipbthat wasn't good for us, we someone's second guess ourselves asking what did we do wrong. Of course no one's perfect but situations like this are beyond your control and can be treated as a learning expeience to say the least.

 

Stay true to yourself and your word. Anything that makes us feel 'not so good' is not good for us.

[missyme04]

Hmmmm. You're still learning each others behavior? So it means that you're dating for just weeks or months now. But he already shows you that kind of attitude. It scares me! HOW MUCH MORE if you'll be with him for years? always ask "Will he be too possessive"? "Will I have the freedom to go anywhere I want"? and the like. Dont rush into things for now. okies? Just an advice. hehehe

[wezol]

(Title correction: Men who Try hiding their control issues.omit "are" of course.sorry)

 

Hello all~

 

I've been reading posts about controlling men and some who are cops. I've been dating a cop for a little while now. We're still learning each other and enjoying every minute we spend together. To me he's a really great guy. Although, he doesn't express the way he feels about us much but does express that he can never get enough of me. Im probably more expressive than he is and wish he'd open up. What has jolted me though are a few instances where he's made comments that display an emotion that I don't recognize from him, so called I'll call it control...? The instances are as follows. Let me know if there is a better word for this behavior from someone who doesn't really show much emotion regarding his emotions:

 

1. When i say I'll call him back, he's started calling me back before I get a chance to call him back.

 

2. When he comes to my place and I don't answer the door soon enough he tends to knock repeatedly if I don't open the door IMMEDIATELY. It makes me feel a bit of anxiety when I know he's about to come over.

 

3. When I don't call him exactly when he thinks I should be off of work, he asks me why did I leave work so late...

 

4. Once I was wearing a sweatshirt from another state, when he got into my place he immediately asked me where I got the "dumb shirt"(not a smile on his face)

 

5. Last but not least, he has issues with impotence... it frustrates him and he knows its frustrating for me as well, but I try to never make him feel bad about it...

 

6. He often makes jokes about domestic violence...?...

 

~in conversation about our relationship, he's made the comment that he can show me better than he can tell me...

 

A lot of these can be attributed to his job. The knocking on the door thing, is what he's used to doing at work. The jokes about domestic violence, are most likely a coping mechanism for having to deal with *******s all day.

 

I know quite a few cops, and myself and the guys I was deployed with make a lot of jokes about death and violence, but it's a coping mechanism to help us deal with what has happened.

 

Being impatient is part of the territory, it just happens in that line of work. I've been there, most of my friends have been there, etc etc.

 

EDIT: I just read a post about him being distant....

 

If you'd like, you're more than welcome to PM me and I may be able to clear some things up, but I'd rather it be in private.

[unevenXchange]

Hmmmm. You're still learning each others behavior? So it means that you're dating for just weeks or months now. But he already shows you that kind of attitude. It scares me! HOW MUCH MORE if you'll be with him for years? always ask "Will he be too possessive"? "Will I have the freedom to go anywhere I want"? and the like. Dont rush into things for now. okies? Just an advice. hehehe

 

Lol. Thank you.

[unevenXchange]

A lot of these can be attributed to his job. The knocking on the door thing, is what he's used to doing at work. The jokes about domestic violence, are most likely a coping mechanism for having to deal with *******s all day.

 

I know quite a few cops, and myself and the guys I was deployed with make a lot of jokes about death and violence, but it's a coping mechanism to help us deal with what has happened.

 

Being impatient is part of the territory, it just happens in that line of work. I've been there, most of my friends have been there, etc etc.

 

EDIT: I just read a post about him being distant....

 

If you'd like, you're more than welcome to PM me and I may be able to clear some things up, but I'd rather it be in private.

 

Hey thanks. Thanks for your response and im sure some of the behavior could be attributed to the type of people who are attracted to that type of job.

 

I don't think I can use email on Loveshack. I don't see the link for it. Feel free to post any info you'd like to share or ask me.

 

Gracias!

[wezol]

Hey thanks. Thanks for your response and im sure some of the behavior could be attributed to the type of people who are attracted to that type of job.

 

I don't think I can use email on Loveshack. I don't see the link for it. Feel free to post any info you'd like to share or ask me.

 

Gracias!

 

It's not necessarily the behavior attributed to types of people attracted to that line of work, but behavior that is a byproduct of what that type of work entails.

[2sunny]

It's not necessarily the behavior attributed to types of people attracted to that line of work, but behavior that is a byproduct of what that type of work entails.

 

That's beside the point when you read all of this thread and his creepy controlling and manipulative behaviors.

 

They are completely designed to put her in fear - and that's not a healthy way to date ANYONE.

 

I am appalled at wells response. Making bad behavior ok is NEVER OK!!! Women end up dead or abused by discounting bad behavior - and acting like it should be acceptable is not ok.

[2sunny]

What he's essentially doing is TRAINING you to think its normal to treat women like crap.

 

If you put up with it - he would continue seeing you and the abuse would escalate... That's the pattern.

[unevenXchange]

It's not necessarily the behavior attributed to types of people attracted to that line of work, but behavior that is a byproduct of what that type of work entails.

 

Hmmm.

 

What you going to say in private could you go ahead and share here. Or try somehow to send me a priv message. Interested in heading what you have to say.

 

Thanks

[wezol]

That's beside the point when you read all of this thread and his creepy controlling and manipulative behaviors.

 

They are completely designed to put her in fear - and that's not a healthy way to date ANYONE.

 

I am appalled at wells response. Making bad behavior ok is NEVER OK!!! Women end up dead or abused by discounting bad behavior - and acting like it should be acceptable is not ok.

 

I'll admit that I did not read the entire 6 pages, and he may very well be in the wrong. I'm just trying to give a reason why he may be acting the way he does, and then acting distant, because I've been there and done that personally, and lost a marriage over it. No, I was never abusive or controlling, just very impatient among many other qualities that came about from my time in service.

[wezol]

Hmmm.

 

What you going to say in private could you go ahead and share here. Or try somehow to send me a priv message. Interested in heading what you have to say.

 

Thanks

 

I tried to send you a PM, but I think you may have to reach 50 posts before, or something like that.

 

He may have some form of PTSD, along with attributes that come about from his job.

[unevenXchange]

What he's essentially doing is TRAINING you to think its normal to treat women like crap.

 

If you put up with it - he would continue seeing you and the abuse would escalate... That's the pattern.

 

Its ok . I realize what he's(my guy/x) is/was trying to do. I recognized it for a while now. Trying to train me to accept the hratening tone and gestures. I told me girlfriend that he seemed a bit 'off' during our very first date. He seemed awkward or nervous. Telling me he was either insecure or trying too hard to be at ease or normal so to speak. The ways he did sweet things for me ,took us places all the time and didn't want me to lift a finger when Im at his place...things like that got me caught up. But my 3rd eye said there may some other motive. When he said "this is what it would feel like if I hit you"...I starting being a bit more Leary of everything he said and did.

 

So im aware of the scare tactics I just like to hear how people try to rationalize the irrational. And I sincerely look for understandings of people as a whole. I can't cure men like this but people need to hear what they have to say in order to begin healing.

 

If the job is to blame then there needs to be a campaign for the emotional and psychological healing& better debriefing of military and police men and women.

 

As of now... their 'ways' are breaking up relationships and human kind

[wezol]

Its ok . I realize what he's(my guy/x) is/was trying to do. I recognized it for a while now. Trying to train me to accept the hratening tone and gestures. I told me girlfriend that he seemed a bit 'off' during our very first date. He seemed awkward or nervous. Telling me he was either insecure or trying too hard to be at ease or normal so to speak. The ways he did sweet things for me ,took us places all the time and didn't want me to lift a finger when Im at his place...things like that got me caught up. But my 3rd eye said there may some other motive. When he said "this is what it would feel like if I hit you"...I starting being a bit more Leary of everything he said and did.

 

So im aware of the scare tactics I just like to hear how people try to rationalize the irrational. And I sincerely look for understandings of people as a whole. I can't cure men like this but people need to hear what they have to say in order to begin healing.

 

If the job is to blame then there needs to be a campaign for the emotional and psychological healing& better debriefing of military and police men and women.

 

As of now... their 'ways' are breaking up relationships and human kind

 

If he hit you, leave. There's no excuse for hitting your wife or gf unless she's drowning your kids or beating you senseless with a bat.

 

PTSD had a huge negative impact in my marriage. I was never abusive but I did have a short temper that manifested itself towards her, even though it wasn't her fault. I recognized this and started (and am currently) getting help, but it's taken years to get to where I am now. Being in a relationship with someone who has PTSD (and he may or may not have it, he may just be an idiot) takes work from both people. It takes the person to recognize they have a problem, and the gf/bf or spouse to be there to help them through it. My ex never tried to help me through it. There were many other aspects to the failure of our marriage on her end, but that was my "helping hand" in the problems.

Edited May 9, 2012 by wezol

[2sunny]

If he hit you, leave. There's no excuse for hitting your wife or gf unless she's drowning your kids or beating you senseless with a bat.

 

PTSD had a huge negative impact in my marriage. I was never abusive but I did have a short temper that manifested itself towards her, even though it wasn't her fault. I recognized this and started (and am currently) getting help, but it's taken years to get to where I am now. Being in a relationship with someone who has PTSD (and he may or may not have it, he may just be an idiot) takes work from both people. It takes the person to recognize they have a problem, and the gf/bf or spouse to be there to help them through it. My ex never tried to help me through it. There were many other aspects to the failure of our marriage on her end, but that was my "helping hand" in the problems.

 

Because it wasn't HERS to fix - its only up to YOU.

 

Hitting someone IS unacceptable behavior - but the threat alone is also unacceptable just as much! Waiting for it to "actually happen" isn't the smartest decision to make - glad you're getting help.

 

Look within - its up to you to CHANGE.

[PinkInTheLimo]

(Title correction: Men who Try hiding their control issues.omit "are" of course.sorry)

 

Hello all~

 

I've been reading posts about controlling men and some who are cops. I've been dating a cop for a little while now. We're still learning each other and enjoying every minute we spend together. To me he's a really great guy. Although, he doesn't express the way he feels about us much but does express that he can never get enough of me. Im probably more expressive than he is and wish he'd open up. What has jolted me though are a few instances where he's made comments that display an emotion that I don't recognize from him, so called I'll call it control...? The instances are as follows. Let me know if there is a better word for this behavior from someone who doesn't really show much emotion regarding his emotions:

 

1. When i say I'll call him back, he's started calling me back before I get a chance to call him back.

 

2. When he comes to my place and I don't answer the door soon enough he tends to knock repeatedly if I don't open the door IMMEDIATELY. It makes me feel a bit of anxiety when I know he's about to come over.

 

3. When I don't call him exactly when he thinks I should be off of work, he asks me why did I leave work so late...

 

4. Once I was wearing a sweatshirt from another state, when he got into my place he immediately asked me where I got the "dumb shirt"(not a smile on his face)

 

5. Last but not least, he has issues with impotence... it frustrates him and he knows its frustrating for me as well, but I try to never make him feel bad about it...

 

6. He often makes jokes about domestic violence...?...

 

~in conversation about our relationship, he's made the comment that he can show me better than he can tell me...

 

Listen to your gut. You have posted about this before. You post about it again. That means something is bothering you.

Dump him. It will only get worse, at this point in time, he is still behaving "good".

 

I dated a verbally abusive guy and I recognise some of the signs in what you write. Funny enough, he also had impotence issues.

[PinkInTheLimo]

So what I'd really like to know by way of this thread is WHAT CAUSES MEN TO HIDE THESE ISSUES?

 

Are you seriously asking this question? It's crystal clear why they hide their issues... If they would not hide them, no sensible woman would want them. Numerous women find themselves in a relationship with an abuser who hided his true colours for long enough to have her marry him and start a family with him. And after that, these women don't have the courage to leave.

 

These men are like slow poison...

[wezol]

Because it wasn't HERS to fix - its only up to YOU.

 

Hitting someone IS unacceptable behavior - but the threat alone is also unacceptable just as much! Waiting for it to "actually happen" isn't the smartest decision to make - glad you're getting help.

 

Look within - its up to you to CHANGE.

 

In a huge way, your correct, it is up to the person to handle themselves and get help. When you are in a marriage, or serious relationship with someone who does have it, it takes two to handle it and keep the relationship going.

 

It's hard to explain I guess. I guess it's more of a "help them help themselves" type of thing, and when they fall down, help them back up and let them know they are supported, so to speak. There are dedicated websites, support groups and non-profit organizations that exist for the sole purpose of spouses of people who have it.

 

They have seminars, classes, and "get a way's" offered to military AND their spouses for this type of thing when we get home.

 

Either way, this thread is getting sidetracked. Sorry OP.

Edited May 9, 2012 by wezol

[2sunny]

In a huge way, your correct, it is up to the person to handle themselves and get help. When you are in a marriage, or serious relationship with someone who does have it, it takes two to handle it and keep the relationship going.

 

It's hard to explain I guess. I guess it's more of a "help them help themselves" type of thing, and when they fall down, help them back up and let them know they are supported, so to speak. There are dedicated websites, support groups and non-profit organizations that exist for the sole purpose of spouses of people who have it.

 

They have seminars, classes, and "get a way's" offered to military AND their spouses for this type of thing when we get home.

 

Either way, this thread is getting sidetracked. Sorry OP.

 

No - it doesn't! Anyone can decide at ANY time that they no longer wish to participate.

 

YOU KNOW when you are exhibiting unacceptable behaviors. The gut always tells you that something is out of balance.

 

IF someone has gotten tired of putting up with unacceptable behavior - its their right to walk away and never be a willing participant again.

 

Yes- it takes another for you to dump on - but it will always be a weak person who finds that acceptable - therein putting up with it.

 

IF you live her - you will NEVER show unloving and unkind words and behavior to HER again. If that means staying away to "respect her decision" then that is appropriate given the circumstances and your past.

 

YOU can change - but it not her job to hang around while you sort through your past that made you this way.

[wezol]

No - it doesn't! Anyone can decide at ANY time that they no longer wish to participate.

 

YOU KNOW when you are exhibiting unacceptable behaviors. The gut always tells you that something is out of balance.

 

IF someone has gotten tired of putting up with unacceptable behavior - its their right to walk away and never be a willing participant again.

 

Yes- it takes another for you to dump on - but it will always be a weak person who finds that acceptable - therein putting up with it.

 

IF you live her - you will NEVER show unloving and unkind words and behavior to HER again. If that means staying away to "respect her decision" then that is appropriate given the circumstances and your past.

 

YOU can change - but it not her job to hang around while you sort through your past that made you this way.

 

All I'm going to say in response, as someone who has lived with it, is it's not that easy.

 

When my ex wife would get irritated over things I couldn't control (like tossing and turning and nightmares), all it did was make me feel more alone and isolated.

 

If you're interested, read this. It's a VERY good read.

 

I Have PTSD…So What? | Military Stories, MMA News, Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy

 

As far as the OP, leave him.

[unevenXchange]

All I'm going to say in response, as someone who has lived with it, is it's not that easy.

 

When my ex wife would get irritated over things I couldn't control (like tossing and turning and nightmares), all it did was make me feel more alone and isolated.

 

If you're interested, read this. It's a VERY good read.

 

I Have PTSD…So What? | Military Stories, MMA News, Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy

 

As far as the OP, leave him.

 

Glad to see you all expressing your feelings and experiences. Its helping me in several ways.

 

I realize how much of a fixer I've tried to be in previous relationships. In the one at hand though I haven't ... For one he always denied anything ever being wrong with him . Its incredibly draining trying to be open and honest w/someone whose pride or whatever keeps them from being honest enough with themselves. He's clearly said before,"there's nothing wrong with me." Whether its ptsd, being shell shock or anything like it," there's nothing wrong with me". Yeah...he gets defensive when I would bring up those topics.

 

So, thus far I think im ok. I have to pull back. He's become a kill-joy and a grouch. Yes he's even admitted to being impatient. He beeps the horn at people when we're not even in a hurry to get anywhere. It makes me uncomfortable and nervous not knowing what else might set him off.

 

Im going to miss the good times but all in all I think im feeling more at piece already just not having to think about his passive aggressive criticisms or not being pleased in bed. If he were nicer I could overlook some of the issues, but I think there are one too many that really matter.

Edited May 9, 2012 by unevenXchange

[2sunny]

All I'm going to say in response, as someone who has lived with it, is it's not that easy.

 

When my ex wife would get irritated over things I couldn't control (like tossing and turning and nightmares), all it did was make me feel more alone and isolated.

 

If you're interested, read this. It's a VERY good read.

 

I Have PTSD…So What? | Military Stories, MMA News, Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy

 

As far as the OP, leave him.

 

I know the symptoms well.

 

I've sponsored many military men and women who turned to alcohol and drugs as their "solution" to their anger.

 

It takes time to recover from trauma - yes- I saw one of the top trauma counselors in the nation after I got sober. Saw her every week for six months. Learned a new way to "live life" and my world now is completely different! Thank God!

 

But no one says another person needs to stay while you go through the tough work that only you can address and move past. It takes LETTING GO of what drags us down! It takes facing our fears! It takes moving to THE OTHER SIDE of all those fears!

 

You can't do it if you hang on to the past.

[unevenXchange]

Let's not get too off topic.

 

My guy/X is not military, he's a cop. But I realize the effects of both are incredibly similar.