Men who are trying to hide their control issues...

[muse08]

Hang in there. I understand where you're coming from.

 

In the attempt to address the question you just posed, my best guess is that people in general want to you to see their best side. Your guy or ex was probably sincere in some of the nice things he did with and for you, but the fear or thought of you not being as interested in him or preoccupied by the thought of him is what makes many guys start "changing" for the worst.

And with your guy being so seemingly socially awkward he doesn't know how to get your attention other than through negativity or acting out like a kid. Not sure if you want someone lime that...

Being a free spirit to so men can mean they have no control or no bearing on your happiness , when essentially they may want to to be the main focus of your life.

 

I agree w/ the many posters here who are saying that the more you say about him the more they're convinced you need to walk away from him. I say walk away while you can simply because the longer you stay with him the harder it will be to leave him. He'll keep givog you bait then he'll probably keep trying to break your spirit until your confidence is not as it once was. He'd probably love that but you'd be in hell...

 

Loveshack chime in. Times like these are perfect times to give testimonials and other first hand experience of what you've seen or been through.

Edited May 5, 2012 by muse08

[unevenXchange]

Thanks for your honesty.

 

Im working on not making excuses. I did actually like him and still find it hard to understand how someone can treat you like a princess then start making negative gestures like the ones I described.

 

He's mentioned that he had a history of violence, alcohol abuse and depression as a teen on up until college years. So he's told me these things but the information didn't really sink in until I started noticing the inappropriate jokes and gestures and withdrawal of his affection then going back to emotional closeness as a pattern.

 

He doesn't like animals much, complains about young kids that whine and has made fun of homeless people. After reading signs of his personality type I've recognized how familiar they are now. This is why it seems to get worse with each post that comes. Hopefully this will help others recognize controlling men and potentially abusive relationships.

[Eve]

Everything im reading here is very helpful ad enforces what I know to be true. I think im kind of in awe about it all because I never expected someone I dated to be this way.

 

The kicker is that ...our families introduced us...

 

Im not saying that should Mike people fool proof but I DID NOT expect something like this.

 

So what I'd really like to know by way of this thread is WHAT CAUSES MEN TO HIDE THESE ISSUES? When youre honest about it and seek help, I think there's a greater chance of someone sticking by your side. However in situations like the one im in, it makes women truly run away not looking back. I want to avoid situations like this but people are good at hiding their issues to a certain point. I guess that's why its good to move slow. We DID move slow... and I didn't meet him just by chance, I met this man through my family and he Still ended up a dud... why I ask myself... I really thought it was going to work out.

 

MEN and other knowledgeable people please chime in. Im trying to understand this situation that im about to be out of.

 

IMO, the basic psychology behind such behaviours are underdeveloped coping strategies and this is why men as such try and get women to be more concerned about them than their very selves. H'mmm.. it matches well that he has had issues with alcohol and violence previously.

 

I know about these situations from my job. I have some experience of domestic violence but not much. I got out before things escalated. Basically I was stalked for a while.

 

The main thing OP is to make sure that you have support now in addressing these issues. Don't think that you are any less because he has not hit you. The intent seems to be there. If he were a few years younger maybe he would have hit you by now, who knows?

 

I hope you have a Womens Centre nearby. They see these sorts of things all the time and can help you to make a safety plan and leave this relationship. Leaving is the time of increased risk you see.

 

I would advise telling family members about your concerns and if you have a big brother or another large male friend, have him over at yours during the split. These types of characters are often afraid of other males as they cannot imprint on them. Due to his job he will not want a record of any incidents and so it will be good to have support from an agency of some sort. If he has any sense he will hopefully back off if he knows that you are getting support.

 

All in all, the thing with abuse is that it is an interpersonal thing; only when you are alone with someone can it become apparent that they have a darker side to them. Abusers thrive on this because it can be difficult to prove. Therefore one has to really believe in themselves and the messages they are receiving. This can be confusing as we are taught to think well of others and really the abuse is a manipulation of this aim/moral compass dynamic which is a common social aim.

 

I do believe that men as such can change and would hazard a guess that you are seeing aspects of changed behaviour in this man but I would say that it would be a very risky thing to take him up on any challenge to help him. No, he has to seek that out for himself and hopefully his next relationship will be more successful because of how you deal with this.

 

Please get help to form a plan on how to keep yourself safe. Don't get all confrontational with this man on your own.

 

Keep talking and don't feel ashamed. Keep yourself safe and be thankful that you have not had a child with one of these characters.

 

Hope others continue to give their perspectives.

 

All the very best,

Take care,

Eve x

[surferchic]

Eve is completely right in what she's saying. Im not an expert but I do know about possessive men. One of my xmm was a pretty softspoken kind guy in the beginning of our dating process. He acted like he was very innocent about many things. Pretty soon he was asking me to pick him up and take him to work a lot or whenever I was off of work. He started calling a lot.

 

Soon he started speaking to me I tones that I TRULY disapproved of. I would tell him that I didn't like it. He'd stop then eventually do it again. He knew I had a brother so physically he didn't try to do ajyuing physically threatening so I think he chose to strategize ways to mess with me emotionally like getting me to transport him to& from work. Calling too frequently, speaking to me in an unacceptable tone and even acting as if he didn't care about me sometimes by being emotionally distant (big smoke screen) or going out and drinking with the guys.

 

Mind you men like this will never act this way in front of others... they're too smart and calculated for that.

 

Pretty soon I couldnt take his behavior anymore that was becoming worse over time. So I came to my breaking point and told him it was over! That was when he started showing his true colors. All this time, im thinking he was macho and dent care about whether I broke up with him or not...

 

He was her calm when I first told him it was over and to leave my house. However, he kept calling excessively even after I told him to stop and I no longer wanted him..Then he would be waiting for me on my porch in the dark when I got home in about 35 degree weather. I was stupid enough to let him in. He didn't try hitting me but the last time he started to try unzipping his pants and crying while im telling him that I dont love him anymore. So once I saw him unzipping his pants I scream to the top of my lungs and tell him to GET OUT!! He finally left . He still kept coming to my apartment and left a note on my door step while I was in the house. I heard something at my door so I went to the peep hole, didn't see anyone and no pine had knocked so I opened the door ...there fell a note that was placed in the door. It startled me as I watched I fall quickly to the ground while I opened the door. But you know what scared me even more? As soon as I saw the note hit the ground I noticed feet sitting on the side of the porch! He was sitting there waiting for me to come out and get the note. Shaken, I told him he had to go and I was not letting him in. I closed the door on him. He called again the next day and I told him I was going to call his family or the cops... You know what he said " go ahead, call the police.I don't care. you think you can just throw me away like trash? No! Go ahead call whoever". he was daring me. So that was it. He didn't think I would do it. The next day im with a girl friend of mine, riding in HER car...NEW CAR from like a few days that he knew nothing about. Mind you we left from HER house... I see him driving next to us on the road trying to make us pull over. (Is this dude crazy or what! Is what I said at the time...) We don't stop of course. We speed up... he runs a red light to keep up with us but he finally gives up and left us alone... ........wtf!!!

 

That was it. Because he really didn't think I would call the cops I had to and this had gotten out of hand. So I made the call and they told me to come in and file a protective order which lasted about 3 months. I went to the courts and filed a protective order. He got served and the order was in affect. We had our day in court. No more problems from him.

 

Only thing was that on the day the order expired I got a call from someone who would not say anything. I think it was him...insane...

I tried refiling another order but the courts said that he has to do something else to have proof of again before filing another order.................. Thank God he wasnt crazy enough to do anything worse. Several women lose their lives because the courts will not honor the victims' word......

 

For this reason women, we have to be proactive by not allowing situations to escalate to this point. Also try avoiding men who show the signs of controlling and/or psychotic-like behavior... [[[ this is a great thread btw,UNEVENXCHANGE]]] or men who are trying to (((HIDE))) their controlling/possessive behavior. Watch for and research the signs... if the man is a cop, he's going to be slicker and smarter not only because he doesn't want blemishes on his record, but also because they study psychology. And they know what behaviors to (((HIDE))) in order to avoid setting off alarms or red flags. But guess what, you can't hide but so much. Eventually people get comfortable like evenxchange's guy and the real behavior rears it's true head.

[surferchic]

Eve is completely right in what she's saying. Im not an expert but I do know about possessive men. One of my xmm was a pretty softspoken kind guy in the beginning of our dating process. He acted like he was very innocent about many things. Pretty soon he was asking me to pick him up and take him to work a lot or whenever I was off of work. He started calling a lot.

 

Soon he started speaking to me in tones that I TRULY disapproved of. I would tell him that I didn't like it. He'd stop then eventually do it again. He knew I had a brother so physically he didn't try to do anything physically threatening so I think he chose to strategize ways to mess with me emotionally like getting me to transport him to& from work. Calling too frequently, speaking to me in an unacceptable tone and even acting as if he didn't care about me sometimes by being emotionally distant (big smoke screen) or going out and drinking with the guys.

 

Mind you men like this will never act this way in front of others... they're too smart and calculated for that.

 

Pretty soon I couldnt take his behavior anymore that was becoming worse over time. So I came to my breaking point and told him it was over! That was when he started showing his true colors. All this time, im thinking he was macho and dent care about whether I broke up with him or not...

 

He was her calm when I first told him it was over and to leave my house. However, he kept calling excessively even after I told him to stop and I no longer wanted him..Then he would be waiting for me on my porch in the dark when I got home in about 35 degree weather. I was stupid enough to let him in. He didn't try hitting me but the last time he started to try unzipping his pants and crying while im telling him that I dont love him anymore. So once I saw him unzipping his pants I scream to the top of my lungs and tell him to GET OUT!! He finally left . He still kept coming to my apartment and left a note on my door step while I was in the house. I heard something at my door so I went to the peep hole, didn't see anyone and no pine had knocked so I opened the door ...there fell a note that was placed in the door. It startled me as I watched I fall quickly to the ground while I opened the door. But you know what scared me even more? As soon as I saw the note hit the ground I noticed feet sitting on the side of the porch! He was sitting there waiting for me to come out and get the note. Shaken, I told him he had to go and I was not letting him in. I closed the door on him. He called again the next day and I told him I was going to call his family or the cops... You know what he said " go ahead, call the police.I don't care. you think you can just throw me away like trash? No! Go ahead call whoever". he was daring me. So that was it. He didn't think I would do it. The next day im with a girl friend of mine, riding in HER car...NEW CAR from like a few days that he knew nothing about. Mind you we left from HER house... I see him driving next to us on the road trying to make us pull over. (Is this dude crazy or what! Is what I said at the time...) We don't stop of course. We speed up... he runs a red light to keep up with us but he finally gives up and left us alone... ........wtf!!!

 

That was it. Because he really didn't think I would call the cops I had to and this had gotten out of hand. So I made the call and they told me to come in and file a protective order which lasted about 3 months. I went to the courts and filed a protective order. He got served and the order was in affect. We had our day in court. No more problems from him.

 

Only thing was that on the day the order expired I got a call from someone who would not say anything. I think it was him...insane...

I tried refiling another order but the courts said that he has to do something else to have proof of again before filing another order.................. Thank God he wasnt crazy enough to do anything worse. Several women lose their lives because the courts will not honor the victims' word......

 

For this reason women, we have to be proactive by not allowing situations to escalate to this point. Also try avoiding men who show the signs of controlling and/or psychotic-like behavior...

[[[ this is a great thread btw,UNEVENXCHANGE]]] or men who are trying to (((HIDE))) their controlling/possessive behavior. Watch for and research the signs... if the man is a cop, he's going to be slicker and smarter not only because he doesn't want blemishes on his record, but also because they study psychology. And they know what behaviors to (((HIDE))) in order to avoid setting off alarms or red flags. But guess what, you can't hide but so much. Eventually people get comfortable

like evenxchange's guy and the real behavior rears it's true head.

 

MODERATOR))) please delete my previous post. Thanks!

Edited May 6, 2012 by surferchic
this is a corrected version of precious post

[unevenXchange]

Well I do a have an informal support group of family and friends near and far. I really don't think my guy will try anything crazy physically. Being a cop and knowing his family as the basis of our connection in the first place.

 

I think it will be a smooth transition for him

He may not even care. Even if he does, he'll "hide" his emotions... he's a cop. He's good at it.

 

Thanks for the concern and for sharing your stories. These posts will hopefully continue to help more individuals as they stumble upon this topic.

[unevenXchange]

Other ....interesting... things he does.

 

The very nite we ever spent the nite together he stared at me in bed and watched me fall asleep.

 

He stares at me still as if he's studying my face. Looks at my eyelashes and cheeckbones. Never says "your eyelashes are so beautiful". Just you have long eyelashes... toouched my cheak bones as if he needed to know they were real...didn't say anything...

 

Though he has called me beautiful and my walk and body "so sexy". Those compliments were recently and older but not repeated. He admitted he doesn't "give out" compliments too often. He right. He "gives" them out sparingly. I think he desktop want anything to go to my head so to speak and tonne it confirms that he doesn't want me to keep the confidence that he notices I have.

 

Im so different from him in that regard. I love seeing people who are confident as long as it doesn't border on disrespectful. I don't mind boosting his confidence and giving him compliments... sometimes I'll say something nice to give him confidence even if its an extention of the truth! Not always good but in bed, it hasn't been all good because of his issues with staying at attention~~~ and I've still never put him down about it when I've had a few opportunities to do so. I can tell he must feel extra sensitive about it because when we're done he grabs my hand extra tight sometime as if he doesn't want me to get up or leave. And he stares at me and my mouth sometimes once we've done the deed. The first time we did it, I was about to take a shower and he said I was taking a shower because I felt dirty after being with him... I told him it had nothing to do with him. I was shocked by him saying that.

 

Things that I'm recalling now kind of tell me that he may not very confident in himself... and doesn't want me to be any more confident than he is...? I don't know...

[muse08]

Its obvious that you have mixed emotions about him right now. Truly understandable.

 

I suggest thinking about what it is about him that you liked. Then think...if you were thinking of staying with him being emotionally or physically abusive, would any of those positive traits even matter?

 

That's how abuse works. There's always some sweet with the bitter. Slap you one minute, then wine and dine you the next.

[angie2443]

Thanks for your honesty.

 

Im working on not making excuses. I did actually like him and still find it hard to understand how someone can treat you like a princess then start making negative gestures like the ones I described.

 

He's mentioned that he had a history of violence, alcohol abuse and depression as a teen on up until college years. So he's told me these things but the information didn't really sink in until I started noticing the inappropriate jokes and gestures and withdrawal of his affection then going back to emotional closeness as a pattern.

 

He doesn't like animals much, complains about young kids that whine and has made fun of homeless people. After reading signs of his personality type I've recognized how familiar they are now. This is why it seems to get worse with each post that comes. Hopefully this will help others recognize controlling men and potentially abusive relationships.

 

Read the book "Why does He do that?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" (sorry I can't remember the author- it's a well known book, though). You will find your guy over and over in the pages.

 

There are plenty of cops who are abusive. They know what they can get away with. Also, many people are attracted to the police force because it gives them a sense of power. These people like having control of others. These people also watch out for their buddies, the other guys who are bieng abusive and controlling (the purpose of abuse is to control). I'm certainly not saying that all cops are like this, but there are plenty of these guys out there.

 

It might help to remember that the purpose of abuse is to control. The purpose of controlling someone is to get your way. The abuse can be very subtle. This might help you figure out why this guy you're dating is acting the way he does. When his actions become less confusing to you, you'll be more able to distance yourself from him. I think you know what to do. It can just be hard to break that emotional chain. The more you see him for what he is, the easiar it will get.

[surferchic]

Well as harsh as it may sound,Muse08 is right.

[unevenXchange]

Yes, I realize you all have good points.

 

At this point im honestly still in awe. Maybe because he's never hit me or called me names. That would make it easier for me to let go emotionally. And the fact that hrs treated me well and been sensitive in other ways also makes it hard to think of him as a complete bad guy.

 

But...what miss it easy to let go is how I think about how emotionally he switches from distant to close.huge turn off.

Edited May 7, 2012 by unevenXchange

[2sunny]

Every abuser sweet talks his prey.

 

And they generally overcompensate once they cross the line and want to reel back in their prey.

 

They are charming and nice - and my exH bought me expensive jewelry and trips when he exhibited bad behavior...

 

Abusers use their body language to control you, your emotions, their power - to bump your into a submissive position without you even realizing that it's happening.

 

His stares - watching you, asking you for accountability - even to the point of WHY it took you so long to answer the door - it's completely inappropriate! It's NONE of his business! A kind, gentle and loving man would wait patiently without demands.

 

But that's not his style to be patient - he's all about putting YOU on the defensive so he can control and have all the power.

 

Abuse sucks. His prior problems should be enough of a red flag, anger management, alcohol issues and the such - says RUN!

 

Never communicate with him again... You will regret continuing with him - that I can guarantee you.

[unevenXchange]

Every abuser sweet talks his prey.

 

And they generally overcompensate once they cross the line and want to reel back in their prey.

 

They are charming and nice - and my exH bought me expensive jewelry and trips when he exhibited bad behavior...

 

Abusers use their body language to control you, your emotions, their power - to bump your into a submissive position without you even realizing that it's happening.

 

His stares - watching you, asking you for accountability - even to the point of WHY it took you so long to answer the door - it's completely inappropriate! It's NONE of his business! A kind, gentle and loving man would wait patiently without demands.

 

But that's not his style to be patient - he's all about putting YOU on the defensive so he can control and have all the power.

 

Abuse sucks. His prior problems should be enough of a red flag, anger management, alcohol issues and the such - says RUN!

 

Never communicate with him again... You will regret continuing with him - that I can guarantee you.

 

The incident w/the arm and hand at my face happened about a month ago. I've seen him several times since then.

 

Do I just stop contact immediately or give a brief reason like the fact that I feel less emotionally and physically safe around him...?

[angie2443]

Do I just stop contact immediately or give a brief reason like the fact that I feel less emotionally and physically safe around him...?

 

You owe him nothing. Talking to him will give him a chance for him to guilt you into staying with him. It's your call. If you decide to talk to him once more, be aware that he may try to manipulate you into feeling guilty or staying with him.

[unevenXchange]

You owe him nothing. Talking to him will give him a chance for him to guilt you into staying with him. It's your call. If you decide to talk to him once more, be aware that he may try to manipulate you into feeling guilty or staying with him.

 

I don't think so...honestly. He shows no emotion about things like that. If he felt like trying to convince me he would restrain himself from saying anything. He has lots of pride And never shows any sign of weakness or sensitivity unless he's watching me fall asleep or listening to me yawn. He thinks its so sweet and adorable...I don't get it but obviously he does.

Weird guy... I don't see him getting aggressive. Though I've noticed how aggressive he is when he's driving, even we're not in a hurry...

Edited May 8, 2012 by unevenXchange

[surferchic]

Wow... wake up. People change when you press the right buttons. You never know how he will respond. Do you know how any of his previous relationships have been?

[unevenXchange]

You owe him nothing. Talking to him will give him a chance for him to guilt you into staying with him. It's your call. If you decide to talk to him once more, be aware that he may try to manipulate you into feeling guilty or staying with him.

 

There's nothing for me to feel guilty about... I may sound naive, but when I've decided to leave a guy I typically don't go back. The fact that im on loveshack means I've been contemplating ending this relationship for a while. On my very first date w/ him I sensed something was weird about him. I tried to ignore it. Since then so many things have surfaced confirming that there really are some strange things going on.

[Pianiste]

Wow... wake up. People change when you press the right buttons. You never know how he will respond. Do you know how any of his previous relationships have been?

 

People can change but aggression is something which is often deeply-rooted within somebody's personality and will sooner or later show up again.

 

Sure you might not see it when you press the right buttons but wait till you press the wrong button.

[smith9800]

OP wrote "6. He often makes jokes about domestic violence...?..."

i would be very wary of him

I was going to ask the same.....

[unevenXchange]

People can change but aggression is something which is often deeply-rooted within somebody's personality and will sooner or later show up again.

 

Sure you might not see it when you press the right buttons but wait till you press the wrong button.

 

Lol. That's a good way to put it... I also noticed how generally grumpy he can be. Complaining and criticizing things I do even when trying to do nice things for him. That was a red flag for me.

[surferchic]

People can change but aggression is something which is often deeply-rooted within somebody's personality and will sooner or later show up again.

 

Sure you might not see it when you press the right buttons but wait till you press the wrong button.

 

My point exactly...

[LZ2000]

In my previous relationship, I trusted my girlfriend completely, and then it seems that somehow, her words totally contradict her actions and I felt that she was playing me for a fool. I was right all along.

 

And all this time I resisted the urge to be "controlling" to her. I did my best to be calm, composed, accepting and to be the best as a boyfriend could but everything exploded when she "tested me to the last straw" and I left her when I saw her with another man and having a good time.

Edited May 8, 2012 by LZ2000

[unevenXchange]

In my previous relationship, I trusted my girlfriend completely, and then it seems that somehow, her words totally contradict her actions and I felt that she was playing me for a fool. I was right all along.

 

And all this time I resisted the urge to be "controlling" to her. I did my best to be calm, composed, accepting and to be the best as a boyfriend could but everything exploded when she "tested me to the last straw" and I left her when I saw her with another man and having a good time.

 

Wow... I can imagine how that must have made you feel. So how did you respond to the situation?

[LZ2000]

Wow... I can imagine how that must have made you feel. So how did you respond to the situation?

 

Me ?

 

Well, I did talked to her as respectfully and calmly as I best could about the issues that she was facing and affecting her at that time, it was affecting her negatively and I was her pillar of support, and at the same time not to be "controlling" to her.

 

In my mind, there were plenty of conflicting thoughts and different trains of perspectives that were opposing each other, and it's exhausting for someone like me who courts the idea of possibilities in everyday thinking. There is no peace whatsoever for me during that time.

 

Believe me, it's real tough. Especially when your loved one is in a pointless pyrrhic situation which he/she could easily get out from and be free from any negative baggage whatsoever. It was something she can walked away easily from. But didn't.

 

Oh, and during the moment I saw her going out with another guy ? I just walked away, and after a few weeks, I sent her a goodbye text message on my cellphone. I never hurled any abusive words or hurtful retorts in my text message. Nobody deserves to be verbally abused.

 

(If being controlling constitutes forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do, or verbally abusing her to "keep her in place", or stuffing broccoli down her throat because it's "healthy".......... No. I'm not guilty of that.)

Edited May 8, 2012 by LZ2000

[pteromom]

You can analyze him and try to figure out WHY he does the things he does and what his motivation is. You can spend time going over every thing he has done or said and consider what he must have been thinking.

 

But in the end, the result is the same.

 

You are in a relationship where you don't feel 100% free to be yourself without criticism or blame.

 

You are in a relationship with someone who you can't communicate openly with.

 

You are in a relationship where you regularly feel uncomfortable and awkward.

 

You are in a relationship that doesn't make SENSE. What he does is unnatural for you and leaves you feeling just...wrong.

 

These are the facts. And it won't get better. The person you are with should "get" you, and you should "get" them.

 

I would be honest with him... tell him that there are some basic personality differences that just makes you incompatible as a couple. You like him as a person and he didn't do anything wrong, but it just doesn't feel right. And let him go.