luvflower Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 RUN DON'T WALK from him. Hmmm, I must ask why you REALLY think she should leave him so quickly. We don't know the entire story. Like how often has he actually called her or knocked on her door persistently? What about the goodthings he's done? People are so quick to tell people to run for ty hills... I often wonder if those people are in a meaningful relationships...
Author unevenXchange Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 What's the dealio? Any updates? Well not really. He's contacted me twice and I wasn't motivated at all to respond so I just responded today. I didn't want him to think I was playing games but I really didn't feel like responding at all... Its happened a few times early on in the relationship where I didn't respond right away so the next time I contacted him he played tit for tat. So my guess is that that's kind of his m.o....calculated... like his job...
Emilia Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 He's eased up a little but im curious to know why cops joke about it so much... Release. They find it extremely hard to deal with.
shayla Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 OP wrote "6. He often makes jokes about domestic violence...?..." i would be very wary of him Me too, joking about domestic violence and saying that he'd have to show you? I'd disappear for real.
Author unevenXchange Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 Release. They find it extremely hard to deal with. Me too, joking about domestic violence and saying that he'd have to show you? I'd disappear for real. Yep... but just for clarification, he was speaking more about showing me positive things like how he feels and expressing himself regarding "showing me better than he can tell me" But perhaps he was talking at me 'sideways'? And my guy doesn't deal w/ domestic violence in his job...
Emilia Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Yep... but just for clarification, he was speaking more about showing me positive things like how he feels and expressing himself regarding "showing me better than he can tell me" But perhaps he was talking at me 'sideways'? The way I understand it is that most policemen find domestic violence the hardest part to deal with apart from kids' being killed. It's because innocent people - usually women and children - end up being hurt. They don't care about gangland violence as much but they don't like walking into a house that's covered in a woman's blood, especially when she keeps going back to her husband. I think it is well known that policemen, soldiers, nurses have some of the darkest sense of humour because of what they deal with. My army ex and I would make extremely distasteful jokes sometimes after hearing of particularly nasty stories from Aghanistan. It might not be it for your boyfriend but it would be the case for most in a very stressfull and traumatic job. No disrespect but it sounds like he would be better of with a woman who gets him. 1
Emilia Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 And my guy doesn't deal w/ domestic violence in his job... Never ever dealt with it in his police career? How did he manage that? He's never been stationed in a particular area?
Author unevenXchange Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 Never ever dealt with it in his police career? How did he manage that? He's never been stationed in a particular area? Sorry, didn't mean he never dealt with it. But currently his assignment is more related to areas not related to DV. he can't discuss a details so perhaps some DV is in the mix...not completely sure. And to he other post, I do 'get' him in several ways.we both have weird senses of humor. The first time he ever made a joke about DV I didn't say much, but I get the impression that the jokes have gotten increasingly distasteful to gauge my reaction. The last 'joke' he put his hand up to my face and said " this is how it would feel if I hit you"... wtf? I asked him where that "joke " came from. He said something that didn't satisfy my curiosity at all... since then my ears and EYES have been open more...
muse08 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 The last 'joke' he put his hand up to my face and said " this is how it would feel if I hit you"... wtf? I asked him where that "joke " came from. He said something that didn't satisfy my curiosity at all... since then my ears and EYES have been open more... ...............what!..... ........ Are you serious? You must be in denial about him saying and doing that. Then coupled with him not communicating his feelings whether he's shy, socially awkward or not... that last incident is something that would put me at pause... ...really???!
luvflower Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Sorry, didn't mean he never dealt with it. But currently his assignment is more related to areas not related to DV. he can't discuss a details so perhaps some DV is in the mix...not completely sure. And to he other post, I do 'get' him in several ways.we both have weird senses of humor. The first time he ever made a joke about DV I didn't say much, but I get the impression that the jokes have gotten increasingly distasteful to gauge my reaction. The last 'joke' he put his hand up to my face and said " this is how it would feel if I hit you"... wtf? I asked him where that "joke " came from. He said something that didn't satisfy my curiosity at all... since then my ears and EYES have been open more... This is serious on another level
Author unevenXchange Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 Yea... I've grown tired of thinkng about that and can believe he even said it. And I thought he'd be a keeper...
muse08 Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Are there any men who would actually admit to trying to hide their control issues? Its not the worse thing in the world... im just very interested in know.
muse08 Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Are there any men who would actually admit to trying to hide their control issues? Its not the worse thing in the world... im just very interested in know.
pteromom Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 He's keeping you on edge, and I think he's probably doing it on purpose. The insistent-door-knocking, and the calling you back before you call him back, and asking why you were late... it's all to keep you in that anxious, uneasy state. He's already shown you that he doesn't value your opinion. You said that his DV joke isn't funny, and instead of backing off, he's getting MORE aggressive about it, even with the "this is how it would feel if I hit you" comment. (Who says something like that?) Whether he is controlling or not, don't you want to be with someone who shows you respect? (Not who calls your shirt "dumb".) I'd break it off.
syz Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Look I jumped in late.. but I see some redflags. The biggest is joking about a subject a lot. It says something because its on his mind at all. I'll give you an example of some things I've experienced oddly in different relationships; intimate and with friends. I had a friend who used to make off the hand comments about not being a liar. It was odd only because it was out of place and typically a non sequitur in the conversation. It turns out he was an enormous liar and an alcoholic which he was covering up. I've had 2 relationships with people who early on out of the blue swore they'd never cheat on me ever when it hadn't really been the point of discussion. And .. wait for it.. they both cheated. The worst case of this type of thing I've ever come across was the father of a friend of a friend. There were 4 girls in that family. The father was very high up in the FBI in dealing with sex crimes against children across state lines. He was molesting every single one of his daughters. It's psychology really, if someone feels compelled to keep discussing a subject even in an offhanded way its because it preoccupies them. Let's not even get into the joke about what it would feel like if he hit you. He is showing you who he is. Believe him. So I would say: DTMFA.
Author unevenXchange Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 I really appreciate these last few posts. Ive gained more insight into the mind of someone like him. The things you've said about him keeping me on edge on purpose I agree with, but why? What's the benefit in keeping me on edge and uneasy before seeing him? And the poster who dated someone under similar circumstances and the person turned out to be a liar and alcoholic ... my "guy" says he "used to" drink heavily. So my logic is that he still has issues with it. I saw a half empty bottle of liquor in his fridge and he said it wasn't his...but his coworkers and he can't get anybody to drink it because its so strong... what...lol. I felt insulted when he told me that. As if I would believe that. Perhaps that's why he's such a grouch sometime. Its like he goes in the bothroom and comes out a different person sometime, meaning he goes in a grouch and comes out a ray of sunshine and more like me... he has emotionally drain ed me. I find myself being the one to put him at ease and try to make him laugh and this and that. I can't keep that momentum up... Yes I do want to be with someone who respects my choices and feelings. That fact that he joked about DV several times after I told him how I felt about it and that it was too close to home, really was a turn off. I've been looking at him sideways ever since and losing respect for him.
Taramere Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 The last 'joke' he put his hand up to my face and said " this is how it would feel if I hit you"... wtf? I asked him where that "joke " came from. He said something that didn't satisfy my curiosity at all... since then my ears and EYES have been open more... Did he witness violence at home....eg his father hitting his mother? People who have grown up with that are sometimes very opposed to violence, but sometimes it will leave an imprint of "this is what happens in serious/family/close relationships" on their mind. Or some other memory (even as trivial as a film he once watched) might have planted that seed. What there seems to be no doubt about is that preoccupation with violence against a partner is in his psyche. I think he does sound potentially abusive, and like he's grooming/testing you out in that respect....but of course, it's only speculation and from the way you've described him and the dynamic between the two of you, it sounds like confronting him with speculation like that would not go well. If somebody is coming out with comments like "this is how it would feel if I hit you" and they're not open to exploring why they would say something like that, then you have a double problem. One, he's saying something that is a very clear red flag. Two, he's not open to communicating about it. At a guess, he'd rather you were left feeling confused and unclear about why he would say something like that...and again, keeping somebody in a state of perpetual confusion and uncertainty is part of an abuser's MO. I know some people deliberately create that confusion and uncertainty as part of a courtship process - to "keep the other person on their toes" or create mystery around themselves, but when freaking you out with jokes about using violence on you is part of all of that, then I think you need to get out. It might be different if this guy were open to you challenging his comments and having some serious discussion about it, but from what you're saying he isn't. He'd prefer to keep this mysterious, creepy vibe going...and for that, he's best dumped as swiftly and undramatically as possible. 1
Eve Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Don't go down that path, unless you are attracted to relationships where there is little direct communication and interactions are uneasy. Some people love all that or are used to allowing such interactions to develop. So, all in all I think it is about being honest with yourself. Sometimes there is an equal matching with odd relationships. This can escalate into abuse but even then, for some this is still acceptable as it feeds some other aspect of need, or whatever. In a dark way, matchings as such probably help keep the rest of us safe. This is my conclusion after meeting many people who have the characteristics you describe. Their functioning can still be very high. The breaking point in such characters usuallly will come about if stresses rise. So think hard. If you are not able to express and discuss things now, whilst things are (on the surface) calm. What will happen if stresses rise? On the other hand he could just be looking for someone who is able to challenge him. Some people have a more robust character due to what they do for a living. Personally I go for men who try to be open emotionally and don't need to carry their job persona too heavily into their personal lives. The cross over should really be that the job came after, not before any character assimilation. I don't trust men whose job is their life. All in all, if they are not open I reckon they can put you in the role of their mother. Seen it a hundred times. Who even has time for that? Define whether you want to stay in this relationship based on attraction only. That is the marker. Don't let anyone redefine that or get usurped into feeling sorry for this man. Take care, Eve x
Author unevenXchange Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Did he witness violence at home....eg his father hitting his mother? People who have grown up with that are sometimes very opposed to violence, but sometimes it will leave an imprint of "this is what happens in serious/family/close relationships" on their mind. Or some other memory (even as trivial as a film he once watched) might have planted that seed. What there seems to be no doubt about is that preoccupation with violence against a partner is in his psyche. I think he does sound potentially abusive, and like he's grooming/testing you out in that respect....but of course, it's only speculation and from the way you've described him and the dynamic between the two of you, it sounds like confronting him with speculation like that would not go well. If somebody is coming out with comments like "this is how it would feel if I hit you" and they're not open to exploring why they would say something like that, then you have a double problem. One, he's saying something that is a very clear red flag. Two, he's not open to communicating about it. At a guess, he'd rather you were left feeling confused and unclear about why he would say something like that...and again, keeping somebody in a state of perpetual confusion and uncertainty is part of an abuser's MO. I know some people deliberately create that confusion and uncertainty as part of a courtship process - to "keep the other person on their toes" or create mystery around themselves, but when freaking you out with jokes about using violence on you is part of all of that, then I think you need to get out. It might be different if this guy were open to you challenging his comments and having some serious discussion about it, but from what you're saying he isn't. He'd prefer to keep this mysterious, creepy vibe going...and for that, he's best dumped as swiftly and undramatically as possible. Yep...what you said I pretty much agree w/. He's called me "Ms. Confidence" before because he knows I have it. But I have less confidence in him now, more than ever. So the natural, upbeat, confident,free spirited person that I am I will continue to be. I just think that he's trying to break that down. Because our families know each other he started off being Mr goodie 2 shoes in some regards. Now he's testing me, trying to push my limits and its pushing me away for certain. In retrospect I can recall a few instances where I witnessed him being extra loud and confident around his male cohorts. Its like he just doesn't know how to act around me or females in general. I don't have time to teach or FIX him. His jealously came out at one of his staff functions. Im very observant and he probably didn't think I caught on to it but I did. Everyone was having individual conversations at this particular time but there was a focal point since there was a program going on. we were at different areas of the room when i noticd this nice looking guy walk in front of the focal point whih was near me near me and my view of course. Btw, My guy had direct clear view of me the entire time. So the nice looking guy is standing in front of me talking to someone else but im still looking at the guy simply b/c hes in my view. So I presumed that my guy knew the other guy. soon I hear my guy yell " hey, who is that guy?!".then he says something that made me think he was trying to make a hint that the guy was in the way and needed to keep it moving... I think he may have a lot of issues going on that he's trying to cover up and thats not appealing at all to me.
Author unevenXchange Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Don't go down that path, unless you are attracted to relationships where there is little direct communication and interactions are uneasy. Some people love all that or are used to allowing such interactions to develop. So, all in all I think it is about being honest with yourself. Sometimes there is an equal matching with odd relationships. This can escalate into abuse but even then, for some this is still acceptable as it feeds some other aspect of need, or whatever. In a dark way, matchings as such probably help keep the rest of us safe. This is my conclusion after meeting many people who have the characteristics you describe. Their functioning can still be very high. The breaking point in such characters usuallly will come about if stresses rise. So think hard. If you are not able to express and discuss things now, whilst things are (on the surface) calm. What will happen if stresses rise? On the other hand he could just be looking for someone who is able to challenge him. Some people have a more robust character due to what they do for a living. Personally I go for men who try to be open emotionally and don't need to carry their job persona too heavily into their personal lives. The cross over should really be that the job came after, not before any character assimilation. I don't trust men whose job is their life. All in all, if they are not open I reckon they can put you in the role of their mother. Seen it a hundred times. Who even has time for that? Define whether you want to stay in this relationship based on attraction only. That is the marker. Don't let anyone redefine that or get usurped into feeling sorry for this man. Take care, Eve x Thanks Eve. You're so on point just like so many of you who've posted. A friend told me that his so called reserved/shy behavior is probably more like "restrained" to avoid saying or doing things that may be inappropriate. Hearing his loud outbursts at his staff function was so bizarre especially when he's so awkward with me most of the time. He has somewhat discussed the DV comment but not with certainty. We both like a good debate so maybe he just likes a good debate?? I don't intended to stay in a situation where im constantly feeling uneasy. I need my sanity and I wont feel sorry for him anymore( I actually did at one point) but I kept telling myself that something just doesn't feel right about his behavior. Its not worthy of pitty. Its worthy of concern&distance. I don't mind a take charge type of guy or a guy who's a little jealous even but this guy has already taken things to another level with his comments and weird behavior. Once when we we watching a movie I was about to take a shower. He stopped me verbally and said " you're about to take a shower in the middle of a movie?!" Perhaps its no big deal but there was no smile on his face whatsoever and in retrospect, it was a red flag... and to think I actually didn't take the shower at that time just to please him... OMG... that's not even me!
Eve Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I don't intended to stay in a situation where im constantly feeling uneasy. I need my sanity and I wont feel sorry for him anymore( I actually did at one point) but I kept telling myself that something just doesn't feel right about his behavior. Its not worthy of pitty. Its worthy of concern&distance. I don't mind a take charge type of guy or a guy who's a little jealous even but this guy has already taken things to another level with his comments and weird behavior. Once when we we watching a movie I was about to take a shower. He stopped me verbally and said " you're about to take a shower in the middle of a movie?!" Perhaps its no big deal but there was no smile on his face whatsoever and in retrospect, it was a red flag... and to think I actually didn't take the shower at that time just to please him... OMG... that's not even me! Yeah, he has controlling characteristics alright. It sounds as though it is more about him trying to imprint on you how he sees things more than being an out and out domination thing - but it could turn very easily into domination. I see this characteristic in a lot of men and don't find it attractive. For me, the marker is being able to answer back comfortably and him respect that personal space. Men who try and imprint too strongly want to control because they are inadequate. Please don't dress it up. A man of integrity will try and resolve things for himself, in one way or another, or seek out help. Don't get attached to one of those men who need a woman to strip down her reserves so that he feels comfortable. .. but I am over cautious when it comes to men. Take care, Eve x
muse08 Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 The last 'joke' he put his hand up to my face and said " this is how it would feel if I hit you"... wtf? I asked him where that "joke " came from. He said something that didn't satisfy my curiosity at all... since then my ears and EYES have been open more... Based on the above information I think you know what to do... There's a reason that you are here in loveshack discussing this issue. You are obviously aware that there is something wrong in this picture. Pay attention to what your eyes (including the 3rd) can see.
2sunny Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 RUN! He may have control issues - but when someone is relaxed and open with their feelings and SHOWS and expresses those feelings - you're never left "wondering"! He's showing VERY concerning BEHAVIORS and WORDS!!! Get OUT NOW! You keep giving MORE evidence that he's got serious issues - but you keep justifying it all for him. No man puts his hand by MY face and says" this is what it would feel like IF I hit you!" I'd either show him the door or punch him on the spot! He's testing you to SEE IF you would put up with his controlling and abusive behavior! RUN!!! And DON'T LOOK BACK!!! 2
Author unevenXchange Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Everything im reading here is very helpful ad enforces what I know to be true. I think im kind of in awe about it all because I never expected someone I dated to be this way. The kicker is that ...our families introduced us... Im not saying that should Mike people fool proof but I DID NOT expect something like this. So what I'd really like to know by way of this thread is WHAT CAUSES MEN TO HIDE THESE ISSUES? When youre honest about it and seek help, I think there's a greater chance of someone sticking by your side. However in situations like the one im in, it makes women truly run away not looking back. I want to avoid situations like this but people are good at hiding their issues to a certain point. I guess that's why its good to move slow. We DID move slow... and I didn't meet him just by chance, I met this man through my family and he Still ended up a dud... why I ask myself... I really thought it was going to work out. MEN and other knowledgeable people please chime in. Im trying to understand this situation that im about to be out of. 1
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