Men who are trying to hide their control issues...

[unevenXchange]

Hello all~

 

I've been reading posts about controlling men and some who are cops. I've been dating a cop for a little while now. We're still learning each other and enjoying every minute we spend together. To me he's a really great guy. Although, he doesn't express the way he feels about us much but does express that he can never get enough of me. Im probably more expressive than he is and wish he'd open up. What has jolted me though are a few instances where he's made comments that display an emotion that I don't recognize from him, so called I'll call it control...? The instances are as follows. Let me know if there is a better word for this behavior from someone who doesn't really show much emotion regarding his emotions:

 

1. When i say I'll call him back, he's started calling me back before I get a chance to call him back.

 

2. When he comes to my place and I don't answer the door soon enough he tends to knock repeatedly if I don't open the door IMMEDIATELY. It makes me feel a bit of anxiety when I know he's about to come over.

 

3. When I don't call him exactly when he thinks I should be off of work, he asks me why did I leave work so late...

 

4. Once I was wearing a sweatshirt from another state, when he got into my place he immediately asked me where I got the "dumb shirt"(not a smile on his face)

 

5. Last but not least, he has issues with impotence... it frustrates him and he knows its frustrating for me as well, but I try to never make him feel bad about it...

 

6. He often makes jokes about domestic violence...?...

 

~in conversation about our relationship, he's made the comment that he can show me better than he can tell me...

Edited May 20, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited title for clarity

[surferchic]

Wow... your situation is so similar to mine...

 

Sounds like your guy may not be too controlling but rather a bit insecure about expressing himself while trying to gauge your reaction to him.

 

Just curious why did he call your shirt dumb...??

 

Some men have boyish behavior when they aren't very experienced with the opposite sex. Him being a cop could possibly affect his display or lack thereof, his emotions. IMO though, he IS showing his emotions by asking you questions like why did you leave work so late or calling you and knocking on your door anxiously... you may not like his expression but it seems to be his true emotions and behavior. You just have to keep observing to see whether or not there's any type of excessive or extreme tendencies over time. Time will tell.

 

I think we women say we want a man to express his feelings then we he does we are either not ready for his true feelings OR we are ignore his true behavior in hopes of him modifying himself to fit some idea we had in our head... I will admit to being guilty of that.

[unevenXchange]

Well you do have point about accepting the behavior he's showing me as who he really is. Of course I feel like I need to observe a bit more to see if its truly a pattern for him finding fault in my clothing or getting too worried when I don't respond as soon As he thinks I should.

 

I had an ex who really was extreme with these issues... so im also trying to monitor myself and what I choose to deal with...

 

Anybody else have any feedback? It's more than welcomed! Thnx

[darkmoon]

OP wrote "6. He often makes jokes about domestic violence...?..."

i would be very wary of him

[unevenXchange]

OP wrote "6. He often makes jokes about domestic violence...?..."

i would be very wary of him

 

Thanks for the response.

 

...but he seems to be so nice and gentle. Though it is weird& annoying when he makes those jokes. Even after I've told him the jokes aren't funny especially because I've witnessed it in my family, he still makes the jokes.

 

Is he trying to test my response or is he trying to get me to see something in him...?

 

And why would someone who tries to be so withholding of their feelings make comments about my clothing, call before giving me a chance to call back and know on my door like he's tying to rush me?

 

Merely coincidence and no big deal or is it something to monitor?

 

I just don't wanna blow things out of proportion.

[Radu]

I would stop dating him tbh.

 

Some ppl have by the very nature of their jobs more 'power' in the relationship, his job is one of those jobs.

Lawyer, mental health specialist, actor (great at lying) etc ... are others, so tread carefully.

[carhill]

OP, take those six examples and juxtapose them with six positive examples of behaviors in the same man that you find endearing and attractive.

 

As an example, when he knocks repeatedly after you don't answer immediately, once you do answer, what happens? Do you get a lecture or does he take you in his arms and kiss you and proclaim his love for you (extreme examples)? What? Behavior is fluid. There are markers which indicate behavioral disorders. People are mixed bag. Compatibility turns upon the mix.

[phineas]

OP wrote "6. He often makes jokes about domestic violence...?..."

i would be very wary of him

 

The most I joke about is putting a menstrual hut in the back yard. LOL!

[unevenXchange]

OP, take those six examples and juxtapose them with six positive examples of behaviors in the same man that you find endearing and attractive.

 

As an example, when he knocks repeatedly after you don't answer immediately, once you do answer, what happens? Do you get a lecture or does he take you in his arms and kiss you and proclaim his love for you (extreme examples)? What? Behavior is fluid. There are markers which indicate behavioral disorders. People are mixed bag. Compatibility turns upon the mix.

 

Good questions. Well once I open the door he has this look on his face like what took you so long. So, a few times he did say " what took you so long" and he didnt crack a smile . Most of the times he will embrace me and give me a kiss but it feels like he's following a script.he stares at me like he's trying to figure something out. Now when were about to leave one another he stares even harder and holds me like he doesn't want to let go hugs and kisses me tightly as if he wants to say something more... I wanna say just spit it out!

 

Honestly I like his nature of being protective which he is as well. But I also know of men whoare withholding of emotions but are the very ones who end up being very crazy. So they withhold feelings because they don't want the female to ever assume they would be controlling or crazy and send chics running for the hills.

 

I really hope he's not the worse case scenario. He does anything he can to make me

happy and I truly value that...

[Radu]

The most I joke about is putting a menstrual hut in the back yard. LOL!

 

God, i have to remember this one ... in fact i had one that used to be the kennel for the dogs.

[unevenXchange]

The most I joke about is putting a menstrual hut in the back yard. LOL!

 

...that's actually kind of funny. As long as its an exquisite hut, its all good...

But seriously, my guy says things like they(cops) joke about DV a lot... jus as a joke. My response has been "...and? That doesn't make it funny. What is wrong with you? Its not a funny joke by any means."

 

He's eased up a little but im curious to know why cops joke about it so much...

[carhill]

OP, more questions:

 

1. How long is 'a little while'?

 

2. Since you mention impotence, I'll assume you are sexually active. Would you say he handles his frustration surrounding impotence in the same way he handles frustrations elsewhere in your interactions? IOW, is he consistent? Further, does that emotional response match up with other emotional responses well? As an extreme example, does he punch holes in walls when frustrated yet dance with glee when happy? What?

 

3. Have you met his family? Any exW's in the mix? Children? I ask because, since you're sexually active with him and asking questions here, I presume this is a pretty serious relationship.

[unevenXchange]

OP, more questions:

 

1. How long is 'a little while'?

 

2. Since you mention impotence, I'll assume you are sexually active. Would you say he handles his frustration surrounding impotence in the same way he handles frustrations elsewhere in your interactions? IOW, is he consistent? Further, does that emotional response match up with other emotional responses well? As an extreme example, does he punch holes in walls when frustrated yet dance with glee when happy? What?

 

3. Have you met his family? Any exW's in the mix? Children? I ask because, since you're sexually active with him and asking questions here, I presume this is a pretty serious relationship.

 

1. Little while being about 6 months

 

2. Regarding impotence,yes he's consistent in that whenever he's frustrated he tries not showing it. Instead he gets quiet. To me being quiet has its drawbacks as well... because it means he's holding back and letting things build. He took medicine for it once and told me he wanted to please me so he took it.he didn't want me to keep being disappointed. And yes I as disappointed several times...still am from time to time. But the other ways he cares for me overshadowed this issue.

 

3. Yes, I have met his family.

He doesn't have kids

He's never been married

He doesn't like dogs

He says all the time, he'll be a great father but spoiled kids get on his nerves cause its always about them " me me me"...lol. its not all that funny but could it be that he thinks kids will get the attention that he deserves? I do t know...

[unevenXchange]

OP, more questions:

 

1. How long is 'a little while'?

 

2. Since you mention impotence, I'll assume you are sexually active. Would you say he handles his frustration surrounding impotence in the same way he handles frustrations elsewhere in your interactions? IOW, is he consistent? Further, does that emotional response match up with other emotional responses well? As an extreme example, does he punch holes in walls when frustrated yet dance with glee when happy? What?

 

3. Have you met his family? Any exW's in the mix? Children? I ask because, since you're sexually active with him and asking questions here, I presume this is a pretty serious relationship.

 

Tried responding but the moderators are reviewing it for some reason...? Sorry

[unevenXchange]

OP, more questions:

 

1. How long is 'a little while'?

 

2. Since you mention impotence, I'll assume you are sexually active. Would you say he handles his frustration surrounding impotence in the same way he handles frustrations elsewhere in your interactions? IOW, is he consistent? Further, does that emotional response match up with other emotional responses well? As an extreme example, does he punch holes in walls when frustrated yet dance with glee when happy? What?

 

3. Have you met his family? Any exW's in the mix? Children? I ask because, since you're sexually active with him and asking questions here, I presume this is a pretty serious relationship.

 

Since my initial respone may not post til 24-48 hrs so I'll try an abbreviated version here...

 

So basically I answered all your questions.

 

We've been seeing each other for about 6 months.

yes I've met his family.

He doesn't have kids

He's never been married

His frustration about the impotence seems to be consistent in that he never says anything when we're done and the issue happens. He just gets quiet and holds my hand extra long and tight sometime like he's afraid im going to get up and leave. I ask him about it and he says he's not sure why it happens. My though is because he use to drink heavily!! It gets erect but doesn't stay erect.goes down and leaves me frustrated As well... he took medicine for it once and told me that's why I was so pleased that time. He couldn't continue going on not pleasing me...that was sweet of him but he doesn't take the Medicine all the time so the same issue still exists... but no he doesn't punch holes in walls. In traffic when he's frustrated I feel like he's a little too extra. Expecting people to move out of the way;not very patient.makes me frown at him& makes me feel a bit uneasy...

[surferchic]

Im not an expert on this stuff but there seem to be several underlying issues...

 

He seems to want to remain "in control" as he does while on the job as a cop and doesn't want you to see his deep weaknesses.

 

Also, by trying so hard to be in control all the time he lets out subtle hints of frustration in other ways like taking issue with what you're wearing or the knocks at the door.

 

Many occupations do affect the person when off the job but life experiences play an even greater part.

 

OP does he still drink?

[luvflower]

Interesting post. OP, I agree that you should proceed with caution and also think about what it is about him that you're attracted to...

[unevenXchange]

I would stop dating him tbh.

 

Some ppl have by the very nature of their jobs more 'power' in the relationship, his job is one of those jobs.

Lawyer, mental health specialist, actor (great at lying) etc ... are others, so tread carefully.

 

Interesting. Could you expound on this please? Not sure what you mean about control...needing to be in control?

 

Im really trying to find answers and make a decision about this guy.

 

Im an entertainer so by nature my way of life is a bit different than most and im pretty free spirited and up beat. His seriousness DOES border on being a dull cloud sometimes. For this reason I try to make sure that I keep people around me who also share the bright outlook on life rather than raining on my sunshine.

 

Thanks in advance for your response.

[surferchic]

Radu can correct me if I'm wrong.

 

I think what Radio is saying is basically what you mentioned OP. The nature of some people's job can often filter into their personal life. Making it difficult for them to let go of the 'power' they have while a work. So they may behave in ways that they feel will told the most control or ways that get certain responses from the people they supposedly care about.

 

My situation is so similar to yours in that my guy is a cop as well but my main issue with him is that he doesn't express himself enough for me. Its getting the point where i wanted to pull away from the relationship. We discussed somethings recently which cleared the air but he is who he is and clearly liked being in control.

 

Even though we're cool..."cool" right now, im not sure if this type of subtle conflict is worth it.

 

I too know my Guy's family. But their family wont tell you everything... his issues,insecurities, bad habits, etc.

 

Just some things to think about...

[unevenXchange]

Well I do get what you've just said. Makes sense... thanks.

 

Something to think about. I haven't contacted him today or yesterday. He contacted me last but I am somehow losing interest... its kind of weird. I guess im about at my breaking point. The only thing thats keeping me from breaking things off completely is the positive things and ways he DOES show his affection not even including physical intimacy ... though physical intimacy is very important.

[BewitchedandBothered]

(Title correction: Men who Try hiding their control issues.omit "are" of course.sorry)

 

Hello all~

 

I've been reading posts about controlling men and some who are cops. I've been dating a cop for a little while now. We're still learning each other and enjoying every minute we spend together. To me he's a really great guy. Although, he doesn't express the way he feels about us much but does express that he can never get enough of me. Im probably more expressive than he is and wish he'd open up. What has jolted me though are a few instances where he's made comments that display an emotion that I don't recognize from him, so called I'll call it control...? The instances are as follows. Let me know if there is a better word for this behavior from someone who doesn't really show much emotion regarding his emotions:

 

1. When i say I'll call him back, he's started calling me back before I get a chance to call him back.

 

2. When he comes to my place and I don't answer the door soon enough he tends to knock repeatedly if I don't open the door IMMEDIATELY. It makes me feel a bit of anxiety when I know he's about to come over.

 

3. When I don't call him exactly when he thinks I should be off of work, he asks me why did I leave work so late...

 

4. Once I was wearing a sweatshirt from another state, when he got into my place he immediately asked me where I got the "dumb shirt"(not a smile on his face)

 

5. Last but not least, he has issues with impotence... it frustrates him and he knows its frustrating for me as well, but I try to never make him feel bad about it...

 

6. He often makes jokes about domestic violence...?...

 

~in conversation about our relationship, he's made the comment that he can show me better than he can tell me...

 

Run, Forrest, run...especially regarding 5 and 6.

[unevenXchange]

Run, Forrest, run...especially regarding 5 and 6.

 

Come on...lol really?? Because of #5...? That's not something you just leave people over. #6 yea but even with that im not ready to just leave the guy completely.

[Radu]

Radu can correct me if I'm wrong.

 

I think what Radio is saying is basically what you mentioned OP. The nature of some people's job can often filter into their personal life. Making it difficult for them to let go of the 'power' they have while a work. So they may behave in ways that they feel will told the most control or ways that get certain responses from the people they supposedly care about.

 

My situation is so similar to yours in that my guy is a cop as well but my main issue with him is that he doesn't express himself enough for me. Its getting the point where i wanted to pull away from the relationship. We discussed somethings recently which cleared the air but he is who he is and clearly liked being in control.

 

Even though we're cool..."cool" right now, im not sure if this type of subtle conflict is worth it.

 

I too know my Guy's family. But their family wont tell you everything... his issues,insecurities, bad habits, etc.

 

Just some things to think about...

 

Exactly, but i also meant it as a tool one can use in the marriage. As with all tools, it can be used for good or for evil ... with real divorce and unsatisfaction rates closing in on 70% or more there is a chance that it will be used against you.

 

The difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer is dedication to the client and creativity. Maybe a bad lawyer can't find himself to dedicate to every client, but if it's for him/her ... wanna bet they will move mountains ?

Also (and this comes from the lawyers in my family), don't trust a lawyer too much, they are very very slippery.

 

It's an known dirty secret that the mental health specialists also have problems, in fact they have a lot of problems. Many ppl go into this field simply because they feel 'off'.

You will argue during your LTR/marriage, and you will be mad at each other, it won't always be the same. Wanna bet it may be used against you even unconsciously ?

How many here know someone who has had a bad therapist or had one themselves ?; you saw that person a few hs a week, what about 7-8hs/day which is what you end up after you subtract work and sleep.

 

Artists generally tend to marry and go in cast. They have somewhat of a superiority complex (have friends who are), and they are way way way too much in search of their feelings. Sure that guy who tells you how he fells and is 'feminine' is a break from the norm, but do you want someone next to you that will plain tell you what is wrong in a logical way or abuse words and expect you to read his mind (5-10% of real human communication).

What is at the base of it all in an actor ?

They go on stage and do a play, for several hs a day they convince themselves that they are that character, they live that character.

How do you think this affects their ability to lie.

 

I'll add one more set of ppl to this.

Doctors, doctors also generally tend to marry other doctors and hang around with other doctors and do have a superiority complex with time.

 

 

Granted all of these are trends, and it just means that it is 'more likely' than with other professions.

Professions to seep into relationships, do affect our way of thinking and with some ... they can prove an advantage in the case of a LTR/marriage dissolving.

[luvflower]

Exactly, but i also meant it as a tool one can use in the marriage. As with all tools, it can be used for good or for evil ... with real divorce and unsatisfaction rates closing in on 70% or more there is a chance that it will be used against you.

 

The difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer is dedication to the client and creativity. Maybe a bad lawyer can't find himself to dedicate to every client, but if it's for him/her ... wanna bet they will move mountains ?

Also (and this comes from the lawyers in my family), don't trust a lawyer too much, they are very very slippery.

 

It's an known dirty secret that the mental health specialists also have problems, in fact they have a lot of problems. Many ppl go into this field simply because they feel 'off'.

You will argue during your LTR/marriage, and you will be mad at each other, it won't always be the same. Wanna bet it may be used against you even unconsciously ?

How many here know someone who has had a bad therapist or had one themselves ?; you saw that person a few hs a week, what about 7-8hs/day which is what you end up after you subtract work and sleep.

 

Artists generally tend to marry and go in cast. They have somewhat of a superiority complex (have friends who are), and they are way way way too much in search of their feelings. Sure that guy who tells you how he fells and is 'feminine' is a break from the norm, but do you want someone next to you that will plain tell you what is wrong in a logical way or abuse words and expect you to read his mind (5-10% of real human communication).

What is at the base of it all in an actor ?

They go on stage and do a play, for several hs a day they convince themselves that they are that character, they live that character.

How do you think this affects their ability to lie.

 

I'll add one more set of ppl to this.

Doctors, doctors also generally tend to marry other doctors and hang around with other doctors and do have a superiority complex with time.

 

 

Granted all of these are trends, and it just means that it is 'more likely' than with other professions.

Professions to seep into relationships, do affect our way of thinking and with some ... they can prove an advantage in the case of a LTR/marriage dissolving.

 

We!ll... my occupation falls into one of these categories so perhaps that's why I feel myself having a conflict with my boyfriend's ways.

 

I too like to be in control. When im not, I feel uneasy. I think to some extent we are all this way.. However , with men I want to be comfortable enough to be able to be the feminine lady I am. I don't want to fight for power.that takes too much energy. I just want him to be confident enough to share his true emotions instead of acting like nothing is ever wrong with him on any level.

[unevenXchange]

We!ll... my occupation falls into one of these categories so perhaps that's why I feel myself having a conflict with my boyfriend's ways.

 

I too like to be in control. When im not, I feel uneasy. I think to some extent we are all this way.. However , with men I want to be comfortable enough to be able to be the feminine lady I am. I don't want to fight for power.that takes too much energy. I just want him to be confident enough to share his true emotions instead of acting like nothing is ever wrong with him on any level.

 

Dido everything that luvflower just said. That's exactly how I feel Radu.

 

My occupation falls into that category . But I don't want to always be I control I just want my guy to be secure enough to know that he can let his guard down with me and let me know how mug he cares . Otherwise I can't keep sticking it out. I need to be reminded of how mug he cares rather than have him trying to manipulate me or complain about my clothes or get upset when I don't answer the door as soon as he thinks I should. He doesn't always answer his door right away and I dont interrogate him or find fault.