Stephaniejc625 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 my boyfriend yelled at me today today that he wants me to move out because he blamed me for not having his work clothes done when I had asked him the night before to make sure he had the things that he needed in the laundry.. and have continuously been telling him to do this. He yelled at me, said I was useless, even though I rushed to look for his clothes and tripped and fell down...he didn't care and blamed me. I know I don't keep our room the cleanest but I am constantly working on keeping his and my clothes clean. Even if he changes his mind about wanting me to move out, I am not sure I can stay with someone who treats me so abusively, I don't think it's a good sign and this has not been the first time he has behaved like this --- totally losing it and blowing up. I know he helps provide for me right now, and he pays the rent and everything but I was doing just fine before with my parents help --- I don't need this, he acts like he is so much better than me because he pays the rent. I spent money on him too and because of him and that's why I am out of money today, I thought we were in this together. My therapist thinks that I should rethink being with him because of the way he treats me. I have put my whole life into this relationship, I have changed myself to fit him. I might have to move back in with my parents, but they are somewhat abusive when i live with them... so I don't think that I want to. My other option is maybe getting a loan for my school and living in near my university at a small apartment or a room somewhere. I don't know what to do. I invest myself with our relationship then he all of a sudden pulls the rug out from under me. I don't think I should go any further with this since I don't think I can trust him anymore. He can do what he wants but I'm not going to invest myself emotionally and everything, if he is going to be like this. I know he has to go to work today and work till 3am and he didn't want to wake up this morning to see the house and didn't get enough sleep but does that mean he has the right to treat me that way? He acts like I spend all his money but it's not my choice to go out to eat on or to the movies on our dates, I would be happy just walking to the park, but it seems like he can't appreciate it. It seems like the only thing he really likes is his games, and he promised to spend more time with me but every time he does he just gets angry.
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 so... really, you're not asking us... right? I agree with you. you really shouldn't even consider staying in a relationship where someone is abusive and belittles you. It isn't acceptable. Do you have a friend you could stay with, or rely on, even for a short time? Does university have any accommodation or facilities for students needing a temporary place to stay? Whatever you do - yes. I think you need to leave.
foolish optimist Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Agreed, time to leave him. He is playing games with your head I think. He is going to 'change his mind' and tell you that he will allow you/wants you to stay, etc. What he is trying to do is assert his authority/power over you and make you subservient to his will. By telling you to get out (when you have nowhere else to go), he is sending you the message that 'I don't need you but you need me, so do what I say or you won't have me anymore' and basically demeaning your value in his eyes (and if he is successful) in your eyes as well, with the end result of keeping you in the relationship with him no matter how badly he treats you. I.E. - Leave his ass.
writergal Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 (edited) It sounds like you know you already that you want to move out, and that you have financial support options (your parents and school loan refunds) to help you do that. Your boyfriend is an abuser. The longer you stay with him the more abusive he'll become. But I think you already know that. So what's stopping you from leaving already? Grab a bag, call a friend or family member and stay with them until you can bring someone with you to collect the rest of your things. The longer you drag out your departure by staying the more difficult it will become for you to leave - abusers are great manipulators and will convince you that your happiness is dependent on them. Don't stay to become another statistic of domestic abuse. Leave. Edited April 28, 2012 by writergal
Author Stephaniejc625 Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 I am asking you what you think of the situation mainly... and what I should do about it... My boyfriend said he was mortified of this blow up. But I don't really think that is the issue here. I am thinking about how I want to move out because he was kicking me out when he got mad, but I really think that there is something deeper going on that is causing him to always say the same things. He always says he wants me to move out now when he gets stressed. I think the main issue is my Boyfriend is almost totally unaware of himself and his feelings, he doesn't give himself time to reflect or introspect because he is always distracting himself with a computer game or tv show or movie ... and his feelings build up or aren't addressed therefore when stressed he tends to lose control of himself. I don't think he is playing games with my head, he is just not aware of how he really feels. We are planning to move out together with his brother and it's not very convenient for him because it would make him have to drive for nearly an hour to work each day... and we have been turned down a lot of times for getting a new place.... it could be because of his brother's poor credit. I think he has aggression issues that he needs to work out... but instead he plays a game which awards aggression. He is kind most the time, we have a fun rapport and we have fun together when we are together which isn't as often as I would like because he has a tendency to neglect me to play his computer games for hours and hours. He is committed and trustworthy and I think of us being together in the future and we both want a family in the future... and we have similar values. I love him... but I"m not sure if he really truly wants to be with me anymore... he doesn't examine his life. He is addicted to distraction and runs away from his emotions (that's why he explodes at the most random times--- and always when family is involved mind you--- it's always when his brother or his dad are there). He feels like he doesn't need therapy though even though I think it would be good for him to re-frame his life and address his feelings. He is truly sorry after these incidents and I usually forgive him, but if I allow him to treat me like this further -- it won't be good for either of us. I feel like there is potential for a good relationship and a lot of times I feel lucky that we can work things out so well... and feel lucky to have him. He is generous and loving, and he compliments me and accepts me when I have no makeup on or whatever... There are other issues in our relationship, such as his non-involvement in my life (he has never once visited my university --- even though I wanted to show him), we never talk about our dreams or goals anymore, he doesn't really like to talk about serious things in our lives or the world, he never takes my advice on health issues and we both severely need to take better care of our health.
writergal Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 In your first post you say you want to leave your boyfriend because of the way he's abusive towards you. Yet in your second post you oscillate between defending your boyfriend and then criticizing him, as well as justifying why things are the way they are. Check out this website to see if it helps clarify anything for you regarding your relationship with your boyfriend. I agree with Taramaiden and foolish optimist's posts too. But only you can decide what is best for you. Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
CC12 Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 When I finished reading your first post, I thought, "He's going to apologize when he comes home and then she's going to be doubtful about whether she should leave or not." I think I was right. In your first post, you seemed ready to leave. You were kind of like, "This is bull*****, I'm fed up, and I'm done with this." And then he apologized and told you how mortified he was, and now it seems you're making excuses for his behavior toward you, like, Well, he's not so bad. He's just "almost totally unaware of himself and his feelings" and "his feelings build up or aren't addressed therefore when stressed he tends to lose control of himself" or "there is something deeper going on." As if that makes it okay to be an assh*le to you? You might be 100% correct in your assessment of his issues. So what? That's not a good reason for him to take it out on you and say mean things to you and tell you to move out. Yes, he probably has issues (as we all do) but that doesn't excuse his abusive nature. I think when we hear about an abusive person, we think of some dark, scheming, evil, manipulator. I don't think that's accurate. The abusive people I know are normal, nice, and amiable most of the time. They don't intentionally live out the cycle of abuse, it just happens. That doesn't make it okay, at all. They are still abusive and you shouldn't subject yourself to them. My other option is maybe getting a loan for my school and living in near my university at a small apartment or a room somewhere. This, do this. Use your student loans to help you with rent, get a part-time job as a waitress or something, be independent, and live on your own for a while. Be single, see what it's like. I think you'll find it much better than living with abuse.
spookie Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 What a sad post. Your bf is abusive, but so is your family. That's rough. I hope you find a way to become independent.
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