imperfectangel Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 I am currently in NC with my ex but during this time I've been reflecting on everything and remembered all the times he used to give me the silent treatment Why do they do this? What do they achieve? Being on the recieving end, it made me feel worthless and that I just did not matter to him but what do the people GIVING the silent treatment gain from it? How do they feel during this time? Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 In control. It's the person who cares the least, who controls the most. A person who controls the relationship by giving you the silent treatment is putting you in a situation of isolation and vulnerability, and of bewilderment. That's what he's doing. If you are broken up - I would very respectfully suggest you Go No Contact - and mete out the same treatment to him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 My first LTR g/f did this. In retrospect I'd have so say it was just imaturlty and ignorance. We'd have some flap or disagreement and then she'd clam up for days (and we lived together so I was stuck with it.) I used to wonder "how long is this going to go on this time?" She was 4 years older than me and you might think she could be approached and challeneged about her penchant for getting a mad on and keeping it on until she couldn't stand it any more. But no. She was very pig-headed that way. Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 It is a sign of unbelievable maturity, and it is an attempt to control and hurt. I've had first had experience with this the entire past year. Do some searches for silent treatment, there is plenty of good reading out there that goes into detail behind psychology. Link to post Share on other sites
tipsyleprachauns Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 It is a sign of unbelievable maturity, and it is an attempt to control and hurt. I've had first had experience with this the entire past year. Do some searches for silent treatment, there is plenty of good reading out there that goes into detail behind psychology. Care to offer a summary? Link to post Share on other sites
jennisfora Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 my ex thinks i am doing this to him by going NC. i admit, it does make me feel more in control. after being dumped, i felt like i was forced into the situation, by me initiating NC i do feel like somehow, i made a choice, that i got some control back. being in control didn't matter much to me in the relationship, in all honesty i never thought about who had control or not. i just don't usually think like that. but, after being dumped, i had such a horrible time dealing with it. i feel better, even if it is silly, and i am not doing NC to hurt him. he said it made him feel shut out, but i feel him leaving me caused him to lose the right to be "let in." Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 NC , and the silent treatment, are NOT the same thing--- although it can misconstrued that way. If I decide to blackhole someone from my life--if they've behaved abusively towards me---then I'm done, I'm NC, permanently---there's no going back. Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 It is a sign of unbelievable maturity, and it is an attempt to control and hurt. I've had first had experience with this the entire past year. Do some searches for silent treatment, there is plenty of good reading out there that goes into detail behind psychology. Immaturity, not maturity. What do you mean summary, you want to hear my story? Search my threads started, it's in there. Link to post Share on other sites
xenomorph Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 I received this treatment during a time when I needed help and support the most. Looking back it feels that he was being deliberately manipulative as he was aware of the crisis and stress I was under at the time. Thing is, he wouldn't just leave. He would stick around and blatantly ignore me during my time of need. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him for that, even though I know I might have to to move on and be at peace again. People can be so cruel. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 NC , and the silent treatment, are NOT the same thing--- although it can misconstrued that way. This is absolutely true, and I should clarify. silent treatment is meted out by one person, to control another. No Contact is implemented as a self-preserving, self-protective method of moving on and healing. The two are quite different, and the motives are poles apart. Link to post Share on other sites
tipsyleprachauns Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 See, my gut tells me my ex is giving me the silent treatment after our recent catch up, so I went bak to no contact. But why would someone who is over you and wanted to be friends and happy, give you the silent treatment rather than be civil and nice? Why would they want to control you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author imperfectangel Posted April 29, 2012 Author Share Posted April 29, 2012 Exactly I don't understand what they THINK they're achieving with this If anything it drives people away. How could someone that loves you do this? Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 There really is a lot of writing on The Silent Treatment, on a psychology level, by PHD Psychologists. You should start there. If you want to share stories then here is a good place, but for some of us to answer what is going on in head of someone giving silent treatment, it's better you go to the official writings of the pro's. It's kind of like someone asking to explain BPD, it's not just a bad girlfriend, bad boyfriend thing, it is a known, documented, mental health condition. As I have shared I am dealing with this myself over the past year, and it is very hurtful, and it can be an indication of dealing with a person who is mentally damaged, so once again I suggest you go do some Google homework. Link to post Share on other sites
nanbullen Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 See, my gut tells me my ex is giving me the silent treatment after our recent catch up, so I went bak to no contact. But why would someone who is over you and wanted to be friends and happy, give you the silent treatment rather than be civil and nice? Why would they want to control you? Exactly! That's what I don't understand. What do they have to gain by controlling and manipulating you? Especially if they told you they are not interested in you romantically anymore. If they tell you they want you to get over them, why do they make it harder on purpose?? Link to post Share on other sites
LasVegasGuy Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 I dunno, just a ego boost. A ego boost from a stranger does wonders. Most of the times they want to be chased. Link to post Share on other sites
tipsyleprachauns Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 It's just simple manners. If someone says something to you, you reply. At the very least you reply to say you don't want to talk about it. By not replying, you're retaining control over the situation, knowingly leaving the other person hanging. By choosing not to reply when they've specifically said can you, to help with closure, is nothing short of manipulative and malicious in my book. But the big question, the one that screws with my head so much, is if they are so not interested, so over it, so moved on - why not have the common decency to reply. Unless it was a break up in which you abused them or whatever, I can't help but think by needing to retain control over the situation, they're avoiding something. It seems to be a pattern with some dumpers- call it gigs, call it emotional immaturity, call it what you want - but a lot of them appear to go from wanting to be friends, to the silent treatment and flit between the two regularly when they don't get there way. And then one day, suddenly the tables are turned and they're the one contacting you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SilverBlueAndGold Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 It is a sign of unbelievable maturity, and it is an attempt to control and hurt. I've had first had experience with this the entire past year. Do some searches for silent treatment, there is plenty of good reading out there that goes into detail behind psychology. This exactly. It was my exes prefered weapon. Anytime there was a conflict or disagreement she would shut me out completely as punishment instead of working it out like sane, mature adults. It's wicked, childish and utterly unacceptable. I will never tolerate it again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nanbullen Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 This exactly. It was my exes prefered weapon. Anytime there was a conflict or disagreement she would shut me out completely as punishment instead of working it out like sane, mature adults. It's wicked, childish and utterly unacceptable. I will never tolerate it again. Exactly! My ex did the same thing. I felt I was being trained like a dog, to behave, and I was being punished. It's like he got some perverse pleasure from reading my texts, practically begging him to answer me, and ignoring them. He'd finally answer only when he started to sense from my texts that he was about to push me too far. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 I experienced this as well with my last girlfriend (during the relationship, not talking about NC here). I had to research it as well to have it made known to me that this really qualifies as abuse. There is no quicker way to let someone know that they are worthless than to ignore them. My ex used to justify it by saying she was really upset or whatever other nonsense, but those excuses were mentioned in the research I did as well and do not justify the behavior. Everyone has a right to be mad, a right to not want to talk, whatever, but grown adults are capable of saying that, not just icy silence. Tell the person "I'm really upset right now, let's talk tomorrow" or whatever the case may be, but they can't even dignify you with that. I didn't realize how unfair this was to me until after the fact. I would never ignore somebody I care about. It is definitely a coping/defense mechanism for people who never grew enough to learn better. It still hurts to this day when I think about the times she did it to me. That's how damaging it is. http://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatDudeXO Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 I was about to say my ex did this as well..but then I realised there's no point me getting into it since everyone in this thread has experience similar! Link to post Share on other sites
TaintedHeart Posted April 29, 2012 Share Posted April 29, 2012 I always thought that is down to being a coward but after reading these posts it has made me think. My ex would ignore me (He knew how much I hated it) I would text/call practically begging to be acknowledged then I'd go NC and he would start texting/calling again. Is there a way of asking them why they do this? Or is that a bad idea? Link to post Share on other sites
nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 I always thought that is down to being a coward but after reading these posts it has made me think. My ex would ignore me (He knew how much I hated it) I would text/call practically begging to be acknowledged then I'd go NC and he would start texting/calling again. Is there a way of asking them why they do this? Or is that a bad idea? Yes, I would beg and plead and tell him how horrible it felt, and it is just so frustrating. It's like trying to get through to a brick wall. And just like your ex, when he could tell that i was at the end of my rope....as soon I would stop texting, he would call. I wouldn't break NC to ask him if i was you. But, I did ask my ex why he did this and he either blamed it on me, something I did, or some thing supposedly happened to his phone (like bad reception, dead battery). They will never admit that it's emotional abuse. Or that they get some sick pleasure from doing it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 I am currently in NC with my ex but during this time I've been reflecting on everything and remembered all the times he used to give me the silent treatment Why do they do this? What do they achieve? Being on the recieving end, it made me feel worthless and that I just did not matter to him but what do the people GIVING the silent treatment gain from it? How do they feel during this time? Thoughts? Giving someone the silent treatment is an extremely cruel thing a person can do to another person. It's intentional, it's made to make you feel bad, made to make you feel worthless and not matter at all, like you don't exist. How they feel? Powerful. Enjoying the pain they are inflicting on that person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 Yes, I would beg and plead and tell him how horrible it felt, and it is just so frustrating. It's like trying to get through to a brick wall. And just like your ex, when he could tell that i was at the end of my rope....as soon I would stop texting, he would call. I wouldn't break NC to ask him if i was you. But, I did ask my ex why he did this and he either blamed it on me, something I did, or some thing supposedly happened to his phone (like bad reception, dead battery). They will never admit that it's emotional abuse. Or that they get some sick pleasure from doing it! And they get off on that, makes them feel good that you're hurting and the silent treatment is making you crazy. He was showing you WHO was in control. it's just so mean to do to another person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 And they get off on that, makes them feel good that you're hurting and the silent treatment is making you crazy. He was showing you WHO was in control. it's just so mean to do to another person. It's mean alright. To be completely rejected by the person you love, the person you trust, is emotionally abusive. It's dehumanizing to beg and be rejected. It's about control, power, and breaking the other person. It's no better than physical abuse, IMO. They do it because it feels good to them. If it didn't make them feel good to let us suffer, they wouldn't do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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