Shaun123 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 So im in a LDR with a girl in california and im based in uk, we know each other 4 years but only in this past year we have been flying over and back to see eachother, a couple months at a time-4 times in total, all of which was very good times together. for over 2 years we talk to each other every day and skype most weekends. she recently came to visit and we travelled a bit of europe too, she had this time off as she had a few weeks off and came to visit. she went back home and just started her job a few weeks back but do to time differences and her now more busy workload she doesnt have that much time to msn chat etc. We have been talking on moving closer over past couple months as something we would do in future and she was happy with idea. so recently ive been having a browse on jobs and there came up a few opportunities in canada and within my companies office in california, my plan was to follow my desire to go to canada as i always wanted to go there before girl came into my life but this opportunity arose and i told her on it. Initially she was cool but then just this week she said she felt that me moving to california/canada would be a lot of pressure for her which she is not ready for. she felt that after speaking it out with her mom she wasnt ready for me being there and that it was too soon because it took 2.5 years to be ready for me to visit and that only 10 months of going over and back is too soon for what would become a serious relationship, i understand that and agree but canada/america was always an ambition on mine for a long time. i explained to her this and eventually she came round but she isnt logging in to chat online as much. however now i find her being a small distant and im unsure of what to do moving forward as a. i want to go to canada and b. i want her in my life when im there. what should i do on getting our communication back up and running and what should i do to make this work?? thanks in advance people
january2011 Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 (edited) this week she said she felt that me moving to california/canada would be a lot of pressure for her which she is not ready for. she felt that after speaking it out with her mom she wasnt ready for me being there and that it was too soon because it took 2.5 years to be ready for me to visit and that only 10 months of going over and back is too soon for what would become a serious relationship For me, this is the biggest red flag. Given that you've known each other for four years and have been in regular contact for two as well as having met four times and spent a significant amount of time 24/7 in each other's company, her reaction is disappointing. She doesn't see your relationship as serious. Nor does she want to escalate it to what she would deem serious. Her recent behaviour sounds like the slow fade and suggests that she is not as committed to being together as you think. That is not a good sign at all for a long-term relationship that is LD, unless both of you are happy to be penpals and tourists. I suspect that she passively agreed with you that it was a good idea for you to move to Canada because she could see that she wouldn't be able to change your mind. And her lack of contact is a manifestation of the dissonance between what she said to you and what she really thinks. If she doesn't want to engage with you, unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do to get your communication back up and make this work. Until she engages, you're not going to be able to talk this out. You're going to have to come to make a decision on your own. Therefore, in terms of going to Canada, I think that you need to make this decision separately. If she doesn't consider herself to be in a serious relationship, then she doesn't get a say and can't stop you from fulfilling your ambitions. Besides, you'll still have to travel a considerable distance to reach each other, so just being on the same landmass is really no different to the current situation where an ocean divides you. And your options for contact will still be the same - these won't change. Edited April 29, 2012 by january2011
Author Shaun123 Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 Thanks for this January I guess i dont disagree on above but theres other factors such as her change in job which means we dont have the same level of communication since she went back to the states after 2 weeks here a few weeks ago. and i wasnt that understanding of such. i still talked to her as normal and got pissed off when she didnt write back basically we used to IM every weekday for about 5 hours a day cause her job then was chill and allowed her too, she got mad when she made mistakes because she was too focused on us talking and then felt guilty that she couldnt hold a conversation cause of the job demands. i defintely dont want to stop her from not working hard etc but i do miss not being able to talk to her as much. Furthermore upon speaking on jobs i had been mentioning jobs that are similar in mine which i dont enjoy and is not focussed on what i did my masters/my passions in. so she feels that by doing this for us it would hold back my career when its a point where i need to achieve a career direction and enjoy what i do cause that would reflect badly on relationship wherever i live in the future. Since i wrote last we skyped but she still was distant and at end she hung up in a sharp manner cause she was mad for some reason, i feel its stress that is making her this way and over last year this isnt the first time she did this so i think this is apart of her character so a a friend said recently if this is apart of her its either deal with or leave it behind. we got over it before so it might be one of those times. I have given her space, its been a few days and we havent wrote to one another, i will give her time- say some weeks so she doesnt have that feeling of having to communicate- she did say on skype she felt smothered on it of late so im giving her time. However the space was not agreed and she hasnt been logging in online etc. I guess what im looking advice on is this the way to play it or what should i do going forward?
trist Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 no, you need to move on... all the signs are there... I can tell you exactly where it went wrong, she pretty much told you... you smothered her and in the process you slowly sucked the love out of the relationship from her end... we've all been there, male or female... when jealousy (insecurities, smothering, etc) moves in, love moves out... I'm not even going to give you false pretenses or hope, this one is flatlined...
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