CK1dad Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Hi Everyone new here and looking for some thoughts and advice. I have been with a wonderful woman for a little over a year now. We where just friends first for about 4 months and then took our relationship to the next level of being intimate and dating. I do love here very much Our relationship is now in desperate times. I am also a divorced dad of two kids they are 5 and 8. She totally knew the entire situation from the start. Ex wife, two kids, custody, drop offs, pick ups, all of the stuff that goes with having an ex and two kids. My ex really isn't a physco as such we deal with things pretty and really only around the kids. So all of a sudden there have been some key things that my current girlfriend is really not doing well with. #1 Texting: my ex and I communicate through text. Homework, school issues, playdates and what not. For me I like it for the reasons that I really have no desire to talk to my ex on the phone or in person ... we both know how to push each others buttons if need be and text leave little room for that. It drives my girlfriend crazy!! I have been open and honest with her ... she has full acces to my phone. She reads the texts that are clearly about the kids but it drives here crazy. We don't seem to be able to move past it. Always on this merry-go-round about it. To the point now she says that I am too much work and is considering ending it. My girlfriend is 40 and has never been married or had kids. I am not sure how to handle this: How do I make this woman feel like the #1 woman in my life? Is the texting out of line? I feel not but maybe I am wrong? I don't feel guilty or dishonest about but who knows ... Thanks for reading and any thoughts anyone might have.
dasein Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Welcome to the forums. There's nothing at all wrong with texting with the ex as opposed to phonecalls. I'm one of the "text haters" here on LS, but this is about as good a use for texts as I've ever heard, giving written details to someone you would rather not talk to but have to due to shared responsibilities I can't imagine a person who couldn't "get" the wisdom of that, are the texts that invasive? How many per day? Do you have to make a show of reading and commenting on them right when they come in? Is it possible to check them every 5-6 hours or so when your GF isn't around? Sorry to say, but is it possible this is a smokescreen for other issues your GF has? It just sounds incredibly weak as a legit breakup reason. If she continues overreacting, what would she be like as a LTR partner during times when life wasn't going well? Kids got sick and you had to talk to ex on the phone frequently? Are there any other issues in your R than the texting? Is it possible your GF is thinking about greener grass? Does she ever talk about male friends whom "she couldn't possibly feel any attraction for?"
Author CK1dad Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 Hi, No I don't run to my phone everytime a text comes in. If it needs instant response I will respond. If it can wait it waits. I don't stop her in the middle of converstation or anything like that. Because of the custody arrangement the texts can be a couple times a day. Ex picks kids up at school ... arranges playdates and what not ... then she drops the kids with me for the afternoon. I of course need to know info about if kids are coming to my place or if my kids are at someones house and needs to be picked up. This pick up and drop off thing happens 3 times per week. On days when I have them all day or ex has them all day ... no texting. Or very little like missing jacket or what ever. I mean yes if we can't sort this out there is no way this is going anywhere. Of course as the kids get older they will broker there own playdates and there will be much less need for contact but it won't stop for quite a while. I know that and have expressed that to her. No other men that I know of at this point. But yes I feel a totally grass is greener situation forming. The person who loves me may feel I am "too much work"?? I mean the fundamental issue is she is jelous of the ex. How can I fix that? I know I can't but how could I make here feel better about the issue. It has been discussed many times to no soulution. Sigh.
truth_seeker Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Hi, No I don't run to my phone everytime a text comes in. If it needs instant response I will respond. If it can wait it waits. I don't stop her in the middle of converstation or anything like that. Because of the custody arrangement the texts can be a couple times a day. Ex picks kids up at school ... arranges playdates and what not ... then she drops the kids with me for the afternoon. I of course need to know info about if kids are coming to my place or if my kids are at someones house and needs to be picked up. This pick up and drop off thing happens 3 times per week. On days when I have them all day or ex has them all day ... no texting. Or very little like missing jacket or what ever. I mean yes if we can't sort this out there is no way this is going anywhere. Of course as the kids get older they will broker there own playdates and there will be much less need for contact but it won't stop for quite a while. I know that and have expressed that to her. No other men that I know of at this point. But yes I feel a totally grass is greener situation forming. The person who loves me may feel I am "too much work"?? I mean the fundamental issue is she is jelous of the ex. How can I fix that? I know I can't but how could I make here feel better about the issue. It has been discussed many times to no soulution. Sigh. This does smell of her plotting her exit. Women who want out usually will pick fights, start arguments and complain about things that didn't bother them before. This way when she breaks up with you, it's your fault, not hers. I would suggest take her out to dinner and tell her how you feel about her and that your ex and kids will always be a part of your life. Let her know she is your #1 woman, but she has to understand this is the way things are for you. If she can't accept it, then it is best to go your separate ways.
Oxy Moronovich Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 My magic lamp says she's going to break up with you soon. Prepare yourself for it.
ScienceGal Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 If after a year it is suddenly bothering her I would say it's one of two things: 1) she is becoming very attached to you, which comes with some level of fear. She might be nitpicking at everything that rubs her the wrong way because of it. Also, does she have any insecurities or upset because she hasn't been married/doesn't have kids? 2) she is losing interested in the relationship and may or may not have found someone else. Either way, I don't see the texting as being wrong. I dated a man that has a son and his communication with the mother was not a burden to me or the relationship. And if it was, it wouldn't have taken me a year to figure it out.
FitChick Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Your kids are very young and while she may have found them cute and amusing the first year, perhaps it's dawned on her that she won't really have you all to herself for another ten years. They and their mother will always be "intruding" in your relationship.
DjinnAgain Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Hi Everyone new here and looking for some thoughts and advice. I have been with a wonderful woman for a little over a year now. We where just friends first for about 4 months and then took our relationship to the next level of being intimate and dating. I do love here very much Our relationship is now in desperate times. I am also a divorced dad of two kids they are 5 and 8. She totally knew the entire situation from the start. Ex wife, two kids, custody, drop offs, pick ups, all of the stuff that goes with having an ex and two kids. My ex really isn't a physco as such we deal with things pretty and really only around the kids. So all of a sudden there have been some key things that my current girlfriend is really not doing well with. #1 Texting: my ex and I communicate through text. Homework, school issues, playdates and what not. For me I like it for the reasons that I really have no desire to talk to my ex on the phone or in person ... we both know how to push each others buttons if need be and text leave little room for that. It drives my girlfriend crazy!! I have been open and honest with her ... she has full acces to my phone. She reads the texts that are clearly about the kids but it drives here crazy. We don't seem to be able to move past it. Always on this merry-go-round about it. To the point now she says that I am too much work and is considering ending it. My girlfriend is 40 and has never been married or had kids. I am not sure how to handle this: How do I make this woman feel like the #1 woman in my life? Is the texting out of line? I feel not but maybe I am wrong? I don't feel guilty or dishonest about but who knows ... Thanks for reading and any thoughts anyone might have. It doesn't matter how much you love her, you cannot be with someone that makes you feel guilty about maintaining a cordial parenting relationship. Can NOT. Your girlfriend needs to get over it, especially with the transparency you have provided. 1
Author CK1dad Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 Hi everyone, You are all right. I can feel her pulling back. Really how can this be an issue since she knew for the most part the entire situation in the first 30 mins we met. Thats what really burns me is the fact she made the choice to be in this ... then comes up with this as a reason. I agree with you fitchick ... I think this is less about the ex and more about the kids. But who is actually selfish enough to addmit that. She has now realized that they will be around and demanding attention for quiet a while. Of course being their dad I give it to them as well because I love my babies I am just not giving over my power right now. Not letting it upset me. My attitude is: move forward with me or I will move forward on my own. Thanks again to you all. Hope you all have a wonderful day.
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