Author Flagirl2 Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 Flagirl, I want you to envision how each weekend, each evening, will be with this man. He is going to be with is W and family. Are you suppose to just sit contently at home waiting for him? Sleeping alone in a bed as he lies next to his W? I know you are hurting, but it's only going to get more painful. I was never the OW, but a WW. My ex OM who was D used to tell me how painful it was when I left to go home. You deserve someone who can be with you fully. The MM will tell you how bad his marriage is, but it is the A which is making him focus on the negative in his M and in his W. My life is basically on hold for him. You are right - each evening, each weekend - he's where he wants to be. Isn't he?
Author Flagirl2 Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 Going out with his wife and socializing with friends and family IS NOT doing everything in his power to make her leave him. That is ridiculous. Whenever I have had a man accompany me everywhere I hardly thought he was trying to get away from me. I did have a long term relationship with an alcoholic. Towards the end as he became more and more immersed in the alcoholism, he also became much less interested in me, my needs and my feelings. He wanted to spend every weekend in the bar or hanging out with his emotionally and intellectually stunted drinking buddies. I would have to plead with him to go out with me. He would agree to take me on a date but then when the weekend would arrive and his beer would beckon, he would forget all about me and what he had promised. Guess what I did? I left him! And I was quite stunned when he came after me begging and crying for me to come back, because as far as I was concerned he had done everything in his power to make me leave. So there you go. Tell your MM if wants to make his wife leave the best way to go about it is to completely abandon her every weekend, hang out with losers and come home drunk. Or he can just tell her that he is a cheater. That would probably help her out the door too. I'm actually smiling right now, Alexandria. You are so right. Thank you for that.
Furious Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Your thread is called " am I being played " , it's ironic, is your soon to be ex husband being played by YOU. How can you lie to your husband and for so long, and then question if your MM is lying to you. The only conclusion is that both you and MM are liars, and the only people being "played ", are his wife and your husband.
Author Flagirl2 Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 Furious, you are right. That is why I got out of my M. I am in counseling right now actually, already. We discussed how it would do no good to tell him now about the A. It would only hurt him. I got into the A because my marriage was bad. Even way back all those years. I stayed in the marriage and never cheated again through all those years until a year ago with the same MM because I loved him. I know I lied to my H. I know I "played" my husband, but I am trying to do right by both of us now. I can't undue the past.
Bellechica Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I agree with Alexandria that if the MM wanted his wife to decide to leave him, he would be spending time doing his own things. He would be pulling away from her, or if he really wants to be with you, Flagirl, he will confess the A to his W.
LoveTKO Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Are you being played? Of course you are, but you're doing a lot of playing yourself too. Per my posts on some of the other threads, affairs with commitment expectations are always mired in disappointment. If you have an affair with someone for a year or more then the chances of it leading to a real relationship are infinitesimal; it's not going to happen...period. The only way for an affair to work is if you have mutual agreement that it's for sex, passion, and friendship....nothing more. Stick to the rule of common sense: don't get emotionally involved with a married person because they are emotionally unavailable. 1
Author Flagirl2 Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 Are you being played? Of course you are, but you're doing a lot of playing yourself too. Per my posts on some of the other threads, affairs with commitment expectations are always mired in disappointment. If you have an affair with someone for a year or more then the chances of it leading to a real relationship are infinitesimal; it's not going to happen...period. The only way for an affair to work is if you have mutual agreement that it's for sex, passion, and friendship....nothing more. Stick to the rule of common sense: don't get emotionally involved with a married person because they are emotionally unavailable. How do you have the sex, passion and friendship though without the emotions? That is probably where I went wrong. Sometimes, I say to myself that I can do it. Just do for the friendship and sex. Then my emotions get in the way and we argue. I guess I am not cut out for the A business.
stillafool Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 He really is playing me, isn't he. It's becoming more clear. He loves me from Monday through Friday, but then Friday rolls around, then Saturday and then Sunday and that love can just magically disappear? I love him 7 days a week. Not just 5. I know what I need to do. It's very tough but I know. You have no idea how many MM/MW promise they want to leave but really don't. They will say whatever to keep the peace and carry on the affair. They normally say they are not having sex with their spouse when in fact they still are. Sometimes the affair improves the relationship between the H and W and they are having sex with both. In the end their favorite excuse is the "I would leave but I can't do that to my kids" which is a lie because if they really cared about their kids they wouldn't risk losing them by having an affair. In the end if the affair partner is lying to their spouse you can bet they are lying to you also.
Bellechica Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Flagirl, once you've pair bonded with a man emotionally and physically, it can be very hard to stop. It's not easy. Just last week I was feeling drawn back into the A. The up and down emotions you experience. The out of control feeling of wanting just one last "fix". It sucks, but you have remember that a lot of what is going on involves brain chemicals that's why you get so low when there is NC. I think it gets easier. I am in no position to advise on NC as I work with OM. We are both looking for a way to move elsewhere. For me, I just have to keep reminding myself what is truly important: my M, my H, my kids. You need a support mechanism to help you stay in check as you get over MM. Ummm don't turn to another man though. Think about your future and how you want it to be. I'm sure there are plenty of posters here who can advise you better about NC. Hang in there girl.
findingnemo Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Many people aren't cut out for As, Flagirl. And I suspect it's because people are taught that love means being with one person. No one talked about sharing a partner as a standard. So if you're like most people ( myself included), you tend to sleep with people you like and your mind and heart will get into it. FWBs don't work for me. It makes no sense. It's just not how I operate. Realizing that you can't do As is the first step. Once you see how it hurts you to not get 100% effort, you learn not to get into such a situation again. You deserve to be loved completely. You deserve to expect fidelity, honesty and integrity. Anything less and you're selling yourself short. You'd rather be alone and not loved than accept half measures and be made to feel like what you're asking for is abnormal. 1
Author Flagirl2 Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 Most women can not have sex and keep it just sex. They tend to get attached emotionally. I did say most women......not all. Why was an affair an option for you? Why did you view it as something that you could do and stay married? Where you wanting it to be a way out of your marriage? Sorry to sound harsh.........but you've done some cake eating of your own, having a long term affair and staying married. What made you think you deserved to have two men in your life and keep one of them in the dark? Did it go against your ethics/morals? Lady, i was in a very lonely marriage. I was seeking some type of attention. Am I proud to say that, No, I am not. Yes, I have done some cake eating. That is what I am in counseling for. My therapsist does not even want to touch upon the A so much right now. She wants to first focus on me and what is going on.
Author Flagirl2 Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 Thank you all for your words. I know what I Have to do. I am going to go NC as of right now. I just simply can't do it anymore. I am accepting that it is over and I'm accepting the pain that is going to follow. I did this to myself. I have to do the work. The fix isn't going to be easy. I do not think at this point I will tell him. Any type of conversation with him ALWAYS gets me right back in the A. If anything, I may do it in an email and not respond to any reply he has. Usually in the past when I have tried to end it he will say Ok knowing that I will be back in a few days. How humiliating is that. All he has to do is sit there and hurt me repeatedly, me get upset, me end it, all knowing that I will be back. I guess that says it all right there.
alexandria35 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 How do you have the sex, passion and friendship though without the emotions? That is probably where I went wrong. Sometimes, I say to myself that I can do it. Just do for the friendship and sex. Then my emotions get in the way and we argue. I guess I am not cut out for the A business. This is very difficult for a woman. I think men are much more practical and level headed when it come to things of this nature. Your MM probably enjoys the sex and passion with you too, but he likely also knows that a lot of the passion can be attributed to the fact that it's not a full on full time relationship with you. He likely felt that passion for his wife at one time and he knows that that it's not practical to expect a longterm fulltime relationship to sustain that level of passion. He knows that if he were to leave his marriage for you that eventually the sex and passion would cool off with you too, because there is no magic person who can keep us in a state of passion and sexual arousal 24/7 forever. It just doesn't happen. He maybe realizes that if he were to be with you eventually his relationship with you would become just like his relationship with his wife in many ways only worse because he would have a broken up family to deal with too. I think for a lot of cheating men, when they weigh up the pros and cons, they decide that the pain of breaking up their families to go have passion and great sex with their lovers, when they know that eventually their lovers are just going to turn into another relationship that requires work and sacrafice, just isn't worth it. 1
Bellechica Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 You can do this: tell him to NC not even to check on you, not if he needs you, not even if it's work related. If you get the desire to contact him after you send the email, come on here and post or find a friend (female) who can help hold you accountable. If he fishes, don't respond and tell your friend or come here for support. I think people advise to delete all means of contacting: fb, twitter, phone number. I FINALLY did this, but he could still fish as I haven't changed my phone number. We can do this!!!! Affairs suck, just remember that!!!!
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 No, I did not. He does not know. But he may know... That is what I kept telling him. He said it was hard to explain but it was all for show and so they do not sit and look at each other every night. I know, you are right. I got played. I'm embarassed by bearing my soul to him. I really did give him validation that he was the best men, best lover, best everything on the face of the earth and he was playing me the whole time. Oh even more crap..And stop seeing him as a King, with no flaws. He is full of them and full of crap too! Alexandria, those are the things he told me. He said the marriage is so bad. He is doing everything in his power to make HER leave HIM. I think she is desperate to hold onto a bad marriage is because she simply does not want a divorce. That this is a rough patch and they will get through it. She is content to be in a loveless marriage for the kids and for the status. OR, and in all likelihood, I am wrong and he is just a liar. He is a liar. Exaggerates and omits truths. MM LIE. FACT! THanks, Lady, for those kind words. I know my head tells me that. My heart is going to take a long time to get there, but I need to fill it with other things right now. I have to let him go. I will never out him. That isn't my style. I wish I could for the humiliation he put me through. We told each other EVERYTHING. Then he disappears for 2 days and expects things to be back normal on Monday when I have all this resentment built from the weekend. And then by tuesday or wednesday we are back in the "honeymoon" stage and then the ficious cycle continues. I'm tired. Can I just go NC right now or do I have to tell him? Everytime I have tried to do it, he turns the tables on me and makes me feel guilty. He is a master manipulator that is for sure. What is the best approach right now, go NC on my own or tell him? Email him and tell him that it's over. Impliment NC and stick to it. He says when the go out, they go their seperate ways once they arrive and barely talk to each other. He finds that more agreeable than sitting at home and fighting or with nothing to do. This is bullshi.t. He is lying about this. IF this is true then how come he doesn't contact you on weekends? How come they go out as a couple? Do NOT let your heart and emotions fool you into believing that what he is telling you is true. YOU KNOW it's not, so listen to your gut and your head. My life is basically on hold for him. You are right - each evening, each weekend - he's where he wants to be. Isn't he? So, no more. Stop being second fiddle! Stand up and put yourself first, get busy with other friends, family and hobbies. No more waiting for him on HIS time frame. Furious, you are right. That is why I got out of my M. I am in counseling right now actually, already. We discussed how it would do no good to tell him now about the A. It would only hurt him. I got into the A because my marriage was bad. Even way back all those years. I stayed in the marriage and never cheated again through all those years until a year ago with the same MM because I loved him. I know I lied to my H. I know I "played" my husband, but I am trying to do right by both of us now. I can't undue the past. Your husband may know already. Just can't confirm it but I'm betting he knew something wasn't right but never thought you'd actually have an A. How do you have the sex, passion and friendship though without the emotions? That is probably where I went wrong. Sometimes, I say to myself that I can do it. Just do for the friendship and sex. Then my emotions get in the way and we argue. I guess I am not cut out for the A business. This is good and it'll drive you forward, keep you from going back to the A. It isn't good for you, your mental health or your life! Thank you all for your words. I know what I Have to do. I am going to go NC as of right now. I just simply can't do it anymore. I am accepting that it is over and I'm accepting the pain that is going to follow. I did this to myself. I have to do the work. The fix isn't going to be easy. I do not think at this point I will tell him. Any type of conversation with him ALWAYS gets me right back in the A. If anything, I may do it in an email and not respond to any reply he has. Usually in the past when I have tried to end it he will say Ok knowing that I will be back in a few days. How humiliating is that. All he has to do is sit there and hurt me repeatedly, me get upset, me end it, all knowing that I will be back. I guess that says it all right there. Send him an email and tell him that you can't handle being the OW and you don't wish to continue the affair. Don't make it complicated either, it's really simple. Ask him to please respect your request of NC and to leave you alone. Counselling will help you with this as well as posting here.
LoveTKO Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 How do you have the sex, passion and friendship though without the emotions? That is probably where I went wrong. Sometimes, I say to myself that I can do it. Just do for the friendship and sex. Then my emotions get in the way and we argue. I guess I am not cut out for the A business. It's hard not to get involved emotionally after several years, trust me . But you have to keep yourself in check because if you don't you'll only end up getting hurt. I's easier to do if you're a guy I guess, not that we don't experience emotional connections.......you just have to deal with the cards that you're dealt.
Bellechica Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Sorry for t/j LoveTKO, I thought you were letting your MW go since the A was taking a toll on her????
LoveTKO Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Sorry for t/j LoveTKO, I thought you were letting your MW go since the A was taking a toll on her???? We did decide to back off, but my phone has been blowing up!! We are good friends too though. I like her as a friend a lot, but we have crossed that boundary in the past. We'll see.
Bellechica Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I WAS very good friends with my OM, but that will never be again. Something triggered in us both. There is no "just friends" when you have shared what we shared. I just hope he honor's NC this time. If you see that she is suffering because of the A with you then why can't you just let her get back to her family?
LoveTKO Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I WAS very good friends with my OM, but that will never be again. Something triggered in us both. There is no "just friends" when you have shared what we shared. I just hope he honor's NC this time. If you see that she is suffering because of the A with you then why can't you just let her get back to her family? She's apparently just fine......transient phases of guilt, pressure, lies. It's funny because she always does a 180 a week later. There must have been at least ten instance where I thought to myself that the jig is up...game over, but she always comes back around. I guess that my laid back, non-confrontational nature mitigates the pressure when looking at the big picture.
Angelina527 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Alexandria, I did not leave my H to put the pressure on my MM. MM actually is behind it 100% and wants me to. Although, he is quite afraid that I will meet someone new while he "tries" to leave his M. He does show a lot of conflict there when we talk about that. Bellachica, he has not told me they sleep in seperate beds. He did tell me they were not having sex though. That is all he has said about that. Tayla, actually his son was born about 10 months after we ended. Coincidence? That was painful. I understand what you all are saying. And I guess I knew what your responses would be, but just to see them written like this, it really is an eye opener. It's so hard to go NC. We have tried over and over. I am usually the one that caves in every time. We do work together so that is difficult as well. I really would just like my life back. It hurts to bare your heart and soul to a person and have them play you like that. It's humiliating and painful to the soul. I know I need to move on and thank you all for your kind and harsh (which I need) words. Now just think about how you are knowingly inflicting that same (worse, actually) pain on his wife when she finds out. 2
pureinheart Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 (edited) I just found this wonderful site and really could use some help. Here is my background: I had an A with MM 15 years ago. That A lasted 4 years. We broke it off because he could not commit to leave his marriage. I am also married. We work together very closely but he is not boss. We had very limited contact through the last 14 years. Then a year ago, we started to become friends again and, of course, the rest is history. He has 2 children. I have one. His children are 17 and 12. My DS is 10. We talk all the time about being together. Leaving our spouses. We are no different that all the other stories. I truly believes he loves me. I love him. He has a hard time leaving his marriage because of the 12 year old. He says his marriage is terrible. He is doing everything in his power to get his W to leave him. Which I do not agree with either, but that must be his way to appease his guilt. I sit on the sidelines and could leave my H at any time. We talk every day. We talk about how we are going to make this happen. We want to be together, etc., etc. I am about 60/40 percent sure he will leave his W (Not great odds), but our problem right now comes from the fact that he and his wife still function to the world as a married couple. They go to parties together, they still do many things together as a couple. That is when we fight. I don't think he should lead her on like that if he intends to leave her or why would she leave him if he still attends all the functions she wants him to. He says its for show. That they have nothing in common so instead of doing things just with each other, they get out of the house TOGETHER and attend social events. Am I wrong? Should this not be a big deal them doing everything together on the weekends still? Or am I just taking his line of BS and he really does never intend to leave? It really hurts me when they attend things together on the weekends. He knows that and tries to keep it from me. I do usually find out and then a fight will ensue. I have tried to break away from him so many times but it never works. I feel trapped - too good to leave, too bad to stay. Any advice would be much appreciated. That was a good book BTW:) What do you want? If you feel led, make a list of what you want and go from there. Set some boundries and stick to them if you can. We can "feel" so helpless in these situations, when in fact we held the ace all along. If this situation is wrong for you then take your stand, and IMO it is wrong for you lest you would not be asking for advice here. The people in our lives only have the power that we give them, when we take our life and power back, they deflate as quickly as a balloon. IMO this is an impulse/self control issue on your part and that is why you keep going back without having anything resolved, going back to the same pattern. Let him be with her in the various ways that he is, it sounds like you have already asked him not to, BUT, also let him know that you will be gone should he choose to continue....take your life back today! Edited April 29, 2012 by pureinheart
pinkrosy Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Thank you all for your words. I know what I Have to do. I am going to go NC as of right now. I just simply can't do it anymore. I am accepting that it is over and I'm accepting the pain that is going to follow. I did this to myself. I have to do the work. The fix isn't going to be easy. I do not think at this point I will tell him. Any type of conversation with him ALWAYS gets me right back in the A. If anything, I may do it in an email and not respond to any reply he has. Usually in the past when I have tried to end it he will say Ok knowing that I will be back in a few days. How humiliating is that. All he has to do is sit there and hurt me repeatedly, me get upset, me end it, all knowing that I will be back. I guess that says it all right there. Good on you. Go NC and stick with it. You owe him NOTHING. You don't owe him an email, you don't owe him a detailed explanation of why you are ending it again, no you owe him NOTHING. You made a mistake. It will be hard, but pick yourself up now and walk with your head held high. MM almost never leave their W , and in your case the time frame of your relationship says it all! Don't kid yourself any longer. Wake up and start your new day, new life without that messy excuse of a man in your life. All the very best you can and will do this.
Author Flagirl2 Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Thank you all for your replies. He texted me today. A somewhat scathing text saying that he could have seen me today but chose not to because he is making things so bad at home that he doesnt want to see me because he doesn't have the energy to explain to me how bad it is. The text was full of resentment and to me, disdain. He basically sounded like he hated me. I'm not going to reply. I don't even know what I would say.
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Thank you all for your replies. He texted me today. A somewhat scathing text saying that he could have seen me today but chose not to because he is making things so bad at home that he doesnt want to see me because he doesn't have the energy to explain to me how bad it is. The text was full of resentment and to me, disdain. He basically sounded like he hated me. I'm not going to reply. I don't even know what I would say. He's being a total ass.hole. Do yourself a huge favour, tomorrow call your cell phone provider and get your number changed. He doesn't care one bit that you are hurting! If he truly cared for your feelings and your heart, he wouldn't be acting like such a dikhead! Think about it! If he honestly cared about your wellbeing, he wouldn't be treating you like this. No need to reply. Don't EVER let that man see how much he is upsetting you, don't give him that satisfaction. Go silent and stay silent.. If anything, that will drive HIM nuts, you ignoring him. And, it'll be easier to totally ignore him when you don't receive his texts in the first place. you also don't need to read the venom he's throwing out at you. The A is over, grieve that loss and be relieved that you are free and once the pain lifts and you feel better, you'll see just how lucky you are by not having him in your life anymore.
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