Author 69ways Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 (edited) When new posters come in for advise,the community usually give them a more compassionate comments..On the other hand when someone is here too long mulling over the same problem,the community usually chose a different approach through harsh comments to allow u to see the reality in the situation,u can hate us but believe it when most of us here are here to help u,its just our ways are different. I would counsel u to look at the simplest truth,what have u achieved in these past months? There is a big difference between blind devotion and love.Think about it. Wish u the best TD Well, I am sorry but how many posts are needed before this different approach is initiated. I am not mulling but I believe the advice should go on as long as there is interaction between the two people or you get over them and dont tell me that you seat and count how many threads each user initiates and then you decide that is time to change your approach towards them. Thats sad..... Some people get over it fast , others dont, maybe you should have a guideline indicating how many posts and general guidelines on this , if you believe there its so much hustle. Btw you chosen only a fraction of the whole paragraph I wrote......just what you could answer Edited April 29, 2012 by 69ways
Zabs Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Hey there 69! How goes? I am known on here generally for going against the grain But there are elements of what some of the users say are completely truthful. I do find myself that you can tell exactly where a person is at in the whole breaking up situation, simply by a) how well the respondent has listened to the circumstances b) the quality of their reflections c) acknowledgement that the individual has a right to their feelings and also to express them. However, I can understand if users have tried to be supportive and feel frustrated at the lack of 'perceived' progress. I would add though that a break up is still a form of loss and no one is in a position to tell you what you should or should not have achieved in a particular time frame. People tend to get caught up in their own emotions and experience and disregard other peoples' thresholds for pain. I think that if I were one of the people that kinda 'proclaim' to be messiahs on here:lmao: I would simply stop posting. But like I said, there is a deep wanting to be able to help others. This community is a very supportive one and also people can only answer what they are confident in answering. That said, I personally feel that the fact som many people 'look up' to certain members on the site feeds the ego a great deal and when a resolution is not found, I guess it could reflect badly on the person who has tried to help.. That's just my two pence worth and I will probably hear about it again at some point I am not at liberty to go into details of your particular circumstances right now and each person's situation should be measured individually, but there are generally some common threads in all relationships. No matter how insecure a person feels even being the dumper...no one likes to be ignored. Your actions will speak volumes without saying a word. Have you ever heard of anyone being attracted to a person who is needy? (or any other often perceived as weak characteristic) For the real reasons I mean? I would say a resounding NO because, if it is something that has been a source of attraction, at that point it will be seen by the allured party as 'vulnerable'/ 'sensitive'. The appeal is rooted in the allured party's needs..but what do you think happens when that need has been satisfied? The appeal of 'vulnerable or sensitive' is no longer appealing and quickly switches to 'needy' 'weak/mard' whatever. The 'vulnerable' party continues to seek reassurance from the once-was-allured..it is not forthcoming and efforts to restore previous security becomes more desperate. No matter what the sitaution is, there has to be a cut off point for the upset individual (in this case, you). The ONLY wasy to do this is to have no contact (giving yourself time to heal..and the opportunity to evaluate the situation for what it is) and to stick to your boundaries..what boundaries do you have at present my friend? What are your actual goals? How long do you think it may take for this to happen...etc.. do you see where I am going with this? Just so you know I am not trying to upset you...I am in a NC situation at the moment. My ex is trying to reconcile with me but with not enough effort on his part..to which many on this board would refer to as 'breadcrumbs'. I refer to it as it is..a lack of understanding and respect and spine Some people use NC to heal and move on..others to reconcile with exes. We are all only here once. WHat sense does it make to play childish mindgames? I am using NC to heal and learn from what went wrong. I do not berate myself for feeling as I do. If you think about it it is like an approach used by Alcoholics Anonymous...There is one side of the fence that believe the only way to recover from alcoholism is abstinence..for good. The other side believe that with medication and talking treatments after a period of absitnence, Service Users return to a new life, with occasional recreation alcohol consumption. It is two sides of the same coin. For me, I have done all the rescuing, calling and trying to reconcile as I am prepared to do. I have reached this point by establishing and maintaining boudaries set by myself. I hold no account to what the future holds as I do not own a crystal ball..but I sure as hell won't be making the same mistakes over Much love, Zabs xx
Author 69ways Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 Hey there 69! How goes? I am known on here generally for going against the grain But there are elements of what some of the users say are completely truthful. I do find myself that you can tell exactly where a person is at in the whole breaking up situation, simply by a) how well the respondent has listened to the circumstances b) the quality of their reflections c) acknowledgement that the individual has a right to their feelings and also to express them. However, I can understand if users have tried to be supportive and feel frustrated at the lack of 'perceived' progress. I would add though that a break up is still a form of loss and no one is in a position to tell you what you should or should not have achieved in a particular time frame. People tend to get caught up in their own emotions and experience and disregard other peoples' thresholds for pain. I think that if I were one of the people that kinda 'proclaim' to be messiahs on here:lmao: I would simply stop posting. But like I said, there is a deep wanting to be able to help others. This community is a very supportive one and also people can only answer what they are confident in answering. That said, I personally feel that the fact som many people 'look up' to certain members on the site feeds the ego a great deal and when a resolution is not found, I guess it could reflect badly on the person who has tried to help.. That's just my two pence worth and I will probably hear about it again at some point I am not at liberty to go into details of your particular circumstances right now and each person's situation should be measured individually, but there are generally some common threads in all relationships. No matter how insecure a person feels even being the dumper...no one likes to be ignored. Your actions will speak volumes without saying a word. Have you ever heard of anyone being attracted to a person who is needy? (or any other often perceived as weak characteristic) For the real reasons I mean? I would say a resounding NO because, if it is something that has been a source of attraction, at that point it will be seen by the allured party as 'vulnerable'/ 'sensitive'. The appeal is rooted in the allured party's needs..but what do you think happens when that need has been satisfied? The appeal of 'vulnerable or sensitive' is no longer appealing and quickly switches to 'needy' 'weak/mard' whatever. The 'vulnerable' party continues to seek reassurance from the once-was-allured..it is not forthcoming and efforts to restore previous security becomes more desperate. No matter what the sitaution is, there has to be a cut off point for the upset individual (in this case, you). The ONLY wasy to do this is to have no contact (giving yourself time to heal..and the opportunity to evaluate the situation for what it is) and to stick to your boundaries..what boundaries do you have at present my friend? What are your actual goals? How long do you think it may take for this to happen...etc.. do you see where I am going with this? Just so you know I am not trying to upset you...I am in a NC situation at the moment. My ex is trying to reconcile with me but with not enough effort on his part..to which many on this board would refer to as 'breadcrumbs'. I refer to it as it is..a lack of understanding and respect and spine Some people use NC to heal and move on..others to reconcile with exes. We are all only here once. WHat sense does it make to play childish mindgames? I am using NC to heal and learn from what went wrong. I do not berate myself for feeling as I do. If you think about it it is like an approach used by Alcoholics Anonymous...There is one side of the fence that believe the only way to recover from alcoholism is abstinence..for good. The other side believe that with medication and talking treatments after a period of absitnence, Service Users return to a new life, with occasional recreation alcohol consumption. It is two sides of the same coin. For me, I have done all the rescuing, calling and trying to reconcile as I am prepared to do. I have reached this point by establishing and maintaining boudaries set by myself. I hold no account to what the future holds as I do not own a crystal ball..but I sure as hell won't be making the same mistakes over Much love, Zabs xx Hei, you dont get me upset, why should you, I am in NC because I want to go on , not to get her back but I agree with a lot of the things you say, yes some people here are on an LSD Messiah trip just because some people looked up to them and boosted their ego more than a T36 turbo on a towing vehicle but you are absolutely right. They cant perceive the threshold between damaging someone and helping them due to ego. Is unbelievable how one of the so called gurus here (see LSD Trip) believes that what ever happens in a relationship is still your fault. Imagine if both sides felt this way and they thought that the other person would have been much happier without them , because its their fault.....You just eliminated any possibility of been together again. They advice you to go on NC , which like in my case I agree and it applies to many break ups but not all, how on earth will you heal if you are thinking: Yes go NC to heal but wait a minute, she/he got drunk and f.... around and we broke up because of this but the guys on the forum say whatever happened is my fault because of something I did or did not......wtf? Are you pulling my leg here man or what? Imagine in what state these so called Gurus are putting that person in ...something seriously wrong with our Messiahs on this site man , I agree on that. So you might be going agains the grain but heh so am I.........and if you noticed I did not eliminate all the advices or users but just a handful which are the ones who make most traffic on the forum but most damage also. Is fantastic how people are getting helped here by people who want to help and not play God
lalalandman Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Why are you focusing your energy on this dead relationship still. It's a complete waste of your time. There are plenty of other women out there. But you seriously do need to man up and walk away.
lalalandman Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 She's not intentionally trying to hurt you. She is confused. But you are getting wrapped up in it and the problem is compounded because you are not setting boundaries. Comon man, be done sweating over her. Forget it dude.
Author 69ways Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 She's not intentionally trying to hurt you. She is confused. But you are getting wrapped up in it and the problem is compounded because you are not setting boundaries. Comon man, be done sweating over her. Forget it dude. Thanks man but I believe people dont realise I am on 47 days of NC
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