irc333 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I just saw this profile...woman, very attractive...late 30's....basically she premises her profile with why her last relationship had ended.....something about him having changed his mind about having children (decided he didn't want any).....an eight year marriage, and they grew apart for that reason. Silly question, but can someone changing their mind about wanting children during the course of a marriage can be a dissolution of a marriage? Just her ad got me thinking....I personally don't want children from the get go....I did at one time. The woman in her profile said that, at one time she wanted 2 or 3 kids, but now at her age, only 1 will suffice. Didn't really know the "baby desires" really could be a deal breaker and a break up a marriage. I mean I "heard" stuff, but I guess it does have a pretty big impact.
Radu Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 It would be for me, and i'm a guy. If the guy actually changed his mind like that, what he did was pretty selfish ... and i am refering to stringing her along.
Andy_K Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 The question of whether or not to have kids is pretty much the biggest single lifestyle choice and impact on your future you can make with a single decision. It is relationship make or break stuff. I can imagine if someone changes their mind on this it would be devastating to the person on the receiving end. I cannot think of a much better or more justified reason for leaving a marriage.
sid3 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I cannot think of a much better or more justified reason for leaving a marriage. I can > cheating
january2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Allow me to draw your attention to these two recent threads: i-want-our-baby-he-disgusted-idea wife-wants-another-baby-i-absolutely-do-not-theres-more One was posted by the wife and the other by the husband. Personally, I wouldn't put relationship fails in my profile. They sound too much like a 'confessional' and are best reserved for when you get to know your dating prospect a bit better, in my opinion.
newmoon Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 this is a huge deal-breaker in a relationship as there is really no way to change someone's mind if they are/are not child-oriented. it's a topic that must be discussed pretty early on to see if there is compatibility. it's a shame though, to dissolve the marriage after 8 years together - perhaps there were other options he might have been open to, like adopting an older child, etc. his actions show that he wouldn't have made a great father anyway; he's able to walk away after so many years together and shows great selfishness by what he did. he wasted 8 years of her 'motherhood' time.
mostlyclueless Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 It's not exactly something you can compromise on.
Pierre Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Why do some folks desire not to have children? I feel at some point life does not afford an optimal situation for kids due to the lack of good income. If we set income aside: Why do some folks avoid having children? Why is this a deal breaker?
Radu Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 It's a dealbreaker because it is a very important life choice and because it is usually discussed at length early in the relationship. 'changing my mind' generally doesn't work as an excuse because it means that either 1) you don't know yourself or 2) you probably knew all along but decided to waste that person's time (broken trust). And some ppl do actually want to be childless, including women. It's hard to explain it Pierre but it is a choice, and it is a choice that should be respected by other ppl.
Cypress25 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Of course it's a deal-breaker! You can't compromise on the kids issue. You either have kids or you don't. Both partners need to be on the same page about that, otherwise it can't work. I'm a childfree woman (that means I don't want kids and I never will) and I'm terrified that I'll end up marrying a guy who says he doesn't want kids and then changes his mind 5 years later. That would suck.
Andy_K Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I can > cheating People can and do get over cheating, especially if it's a one-off. Having or not having a child is a bigger deal. There's no getting back the lost childbearing years, nor undoing one once you've made it.
DjinnAgain Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Absolutely. No doubt. It's too big a decision, with no compromise. I already have one child so perhaps I would not end it if it was changed to no more mid stream... but it's hard to say because I think I would start to resent it and feel like he did not care for my happiness over time.
Fondue Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Why do some folks desire not to have children? I feel at some point life does not afford an optimal situation for kids due to the lack of good income. If we set income aside: Why do some folks avoid having children? Why is this a deal breaker? I dunno, man... Probably the part where you have to commit your life to something for the next 18+ years?
Oxy Moronovich Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Why do you get married if you don't plan on having kids? Wasn't that the biggest (or only) reason why marriage has been popular throughout the centuries? Since I don't want children, I am happy being a bachelor all my life. I am happy just being an uncle. I also do big brother things. I feel there are enough disadvantaged children in the world. Why pop out more from my own baby gravy? I don't feel being a parent is automatically more fulfilling than being a father figure.
Pierre Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Uneducated poor people from third world countries reproduce like rabbits. The future of humanity is in dire straits. In the end it is a numbers game. 2
Fondue Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Why do you get married if you don't plan on having kids? Wasn't that the biggest (or only) reason why marriage has been popular throughout the centuries? Since I don't want children, I am happy being a bachelor all my life. I am happy just being an uncle. I also do big brother things. I feel there are enough disadvantaged children in the world. Why pop out more from my own baby gravy? I don't feel being a parent is automatically more fulfilling than being a father figure. I don't plan on ever having kids, but I do see how marriage (or at least, LTR is beneficial). Later in live, maybe in my late 40s, when I can now longer live the luxurious bachelor lifestyle, having an "activity-partner" would be pretty sweet. Someone to travel with, do weekend getaways to the mountains, and take trips to the beach with. That'd be cool. I take it when I get that old, all my friends would be married/have kids of their own, and no longer have time for me. It would nice knowing there was someone with you that'd do that stuff-- without being weighed down by a child. 1
Cypress25 Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Marriage isn't just for having kids. It's about spending the rest of your life with the person you love. Studies have shown that marital satisfaction goes way down after a couple has kids. Marriage without kids is better. And I could give a rat's ass about the future of humanity, lol. There are entirely too many people on the planet as it is. I think having kids would ruin my life, so I have decided to not have them. Of course, that means I would have to marry a man who feels the same way. 2
Marvin Gaye Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Wow! Heavy situation...in my opinon. Absolutely. No doubt. It's too big a decision, with no compromise. I already have one child so perhaps I would not end it if it was changed to no more mid stream... but it's hard to say because I think I would start to resent it and feel like he did not care for my happiness over time.
Pierre Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I know a couple of women that never wanted children and changed their minds way too late. Now too old to have kids!
Cypress25 Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I know a couple of women that never wanted children and changed their minds way too late. Now too old to have kids! Bingo! In the childfree community, they call that a bingo. For those of you who don't know, a bingo is any stupid thing that people say to convince CF people to have kids. "You'll regret it when you're older" is the most popular bingo. And it's stupid, isn't it? Plenty of people regret having kids, but you can't give the kids back once you have them. Besides, I could always adopt a kid if I changed my mind too late. I would have wanted to adopt anyway, if I weren't CF. Why any woman would ever want to be pregnant is beyond me. Pregnancy and childbirth are things to be avoided at all costs, in my opinion. But really, I don't want kids. Not now, not ever. I haven't changed my mind in 26 years, and I never will. Every day, I see things that make me glad I don't have kids. All it takes is a screaming toddler in the supermarket to make me think "Thank God I don't have to deal with that." I know what women have to sacrifice when they have kids. No more career, no more social life, no more sleep, no more free time, no more volunteering. No thanks, I like my life just the way it is. 1
Oxy Moronovich Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I don't plan on ever having kids, but I do see how marriage (or at least, LTR is beneficial). Later in live, maybe in my late 40s, when I can now longer live the luxurious bachelor lifestyle, having an "activity-partner" would be pretty sweet. Someone to travel with, do weekend getaways to the mountains, and take trips to the beach with. That'd be cool. I take it when I get that old, all my friends would be married/have kids of their own, and no longer have time for me. It would nice knowing there was someone with you that'd do that stuff-- without being weighed down by a child. Yeah, that would be cool. The only problem is finding a woman who would want that kind of lifestyle and stay with that kind of lifestyle. Sooner or later, all women eventually wanna settle down in one way or another. Still, do you mean "activity-partner" as in escort? Escorts are the only type of women who would go for that and not wanna get attached into a marriage. Marriage isn't just for having kids. It's about spending the rest of your life with the person you love. Studies have shown that marital satisfaction goes way down after a couple has kids. Marriage without kids is better. And I could give a rat's ass about the future of humanity, lol. There are entirely too many people on the planet as it is. I think having kids would ruin my life, so I have decided to not have them. Of course, that means I would have to marry a man who feels the same way. Until you show me these studies, I'm not going to believe any of this.
Pierre Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Bingo! In the childfree community, they call that a bingo. For those of you who don't know, a bingo is any stupid thing that people say to convince CF people to have kids. "You'll regret it when you're older" is the most popular bingo. And it's stupid, isn't it? Plenty of people regret having kids, but you can't give the kids back once you have them. Besides, I could always adopt a kid if I changed my mind too late. I would have wanted to adopt anyway, if I weren't CF. Why any woman would ever want to be pregnant is beyond me. Pregnancy and childbirth are things to be avoided at all costs, in my opinion. But really, I don't want kids. Not now, not ever. I haven't changed my mind in 26 years, and I never will. Every day, I see things that make me glad I don't have kids. All it takes is a screaming toddler in the supermarket to make me think "Thank God I don't have to deal with that." I know what women have to sacrifice when they have kids. No more career, no more social life, no more sleep, no more free time, no more volunteering. No thanks, I like my life just the way it is. From a biology point of view a woman without maternal instincts has lost some of her humanity and sex appeal. Men are still attracted to signs of fertility (even the men that do not want children).
Author irc333 Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 Why do some folks desire not to have children? I feel at some point life does not afford an optimal situation for kids due to the lack of good income. If we set income aside: Why do some folks avoid having children? Why is this a deal breaker? Age can be taken into consideration as well....I'm 40'....I'm at that age where 1. I lost the desire to have children. 2. Don't want to be an elderly parent. I know of a married couple, both chose not to have children simply because they don't think it'd be fair to bring children into this already "screwed up world" according to them.
dasein Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 If we set income aside: Why do some folks avoid having children? Why is this a deal breaker? I agree with the sentiment that someone changing their mind after marriage would be a huge, legit dealbreaker. But there are tons of people who don't want children. I'm one. We live in a rapidly overpopulating world and despite what media propaganda says, children are no longer "our future" in a sense that the survival of the species is endangered if a large segment of people don't reproduce. The world will be just fine without another generation of my genes, awesome though they are. 1
Pierre Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 I agree with the sentiment that someone changing their mind after marriage would be a huge, legit dealbreaker. But there are tons of people who don't want children. I'm one. We live in a rapidly overpopulating world and despite what media propaganda says, children are no longer "our future" in a sense that the survival of the species is endangered if a large segment of people don't reproduce. The world will be just fine without another generation of my genes, awesome though they are. The basis of evolution is survival of the fittest and/or natural selection. Evolution assumes we are moving forward, however, this may not always be the case. In certain instances those with greater intelligence get to pass their genes whereas in other instances those with more brute force get to pass their genes. Intelligence is inherited and if intelligent folks decide not to reproduce humanity will become less intelligent. By the same token there are folks that bring to the world babies that are doomed to fail and pollute the gene pool. 1
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