Separation, NC, threesomes, dishonesty, cheating, but still very much in love

[HatinIt]

I know this is a long one, if anyone wants me to provide a quick summery, I can, but I'm a longwinded writer and felt like everything below is pertinent to my situation. Under the dashed line is basically the current issue if you want to cut to the point.

 

I'm 27 and my girlfriend is 25, we have been together for over 6 years and basically engaged for 2.5 years (waiting for a better financial situation). I'll try to make the back story as short as possible and try to convey both sides...

 

We've broken up 3 times before, all short breakups (2 day - 4 weeks) and for various reasons, one time was kind of a bluff on my part. The first one was serious and mostly due to me being a dick because at that point (about 2 years into the relationship) I still wasn't sure that I wanted to be with her forever. She was really subservient and kind of a doormat and I, like a jerk, took advantage. The breakup made me realize how much I really cared and loved her.

 

This time around... The past year hasn't been the best for us, lots of fights, poor communication and the occasional, ugly, drunken fights - which were mostly my fault - I don't drink that often but when I do I have a hard time knowing I've had too much and the smallest things can set me off but are mainly based around my own insecurities.

 

The fighting is mainly centered around things like her not doing enough around the house - I work 15-20 hours more a week (45 - 55 hrs) than her and attend college. Some bigger things like her not getting her license (she did eventually), her not going back to school (GED) and lots of little things too like me not taking out the trash, etc...

 

She has also been dishonest throughout the relationship - not big lies are withholdings but a lot of little things and maybe one or two big things. She says it's because she doesn't want to upset me or cause a fight, but she is also horrible and communicating her feelings. We both believe that a reason for her inability to articulate her feelings is because she smokes a lot of weed and is a very passive and non-confrontational person. I'm the exact opposite, if I have an issue I come out and say it and am very open, aggressive and impatient. Another reason is because she views me as somewhat a father figure (her words). I'm two years older, more mature in some ways, more responsible and we started dating right before her 19th birthday. So there may be a rebellious nature to some of her dishonesty.

 

Her dishonesty has created a serious lack of trust and I often don't believe what she is telling me and too many times I've caught her in a lie. I want to believe her and have told her that the only way I can trust her is that she becomes more forthcoming about her feelings and things that she thinks may upset me. I truly believe that I can learn to trust her and I desperately want to.

 

Time for the bomb...

 

We've had some threesomes throughout the relationship with some of her friends (she is bisexual) and they for the most part have been good experiences for both of us and was something that we planned to continue periodically (once or so a year). One night when we were drinking with her best friend (that we had a few threesomes with) and by GF passed out and I cheated on her with her friend. I felt bad about it and eventually decided that if I never did it again that I could proceed without telling her. That was 2 years into the relationship (4 years ago).

 

Not long after we broke up for a month or so (the longer break up I mentioned) - it seemed like it was over for good. She slept with one of her childhood friends who was also a friend of mine. She calls me up to reconcile and then tells me about it. I didn't take it very well and even though I took her back I brought it up a lot (mainly when I was drinking) and made her feel really bad about it, but I never told her about me and her friend.

 

Back in December me and my cousin had a falling out and she told my GF about me cheating. She asked me and I froze and denied it. She believed me and her friend lied also. It ate me up inside, I wanted to tell her for a while, but was afraid of losing her and didn't see how it would us any good.

 

Later on we had another big drunken fight and things were never quite the same because of it. Eventually after a petty fight (I do have some anger issues) she wanted some time apart because she was tired of the fighting and us always being mad at each other, often over petty things. I basically forced her to break up with me because I said I didn't want to keep doing this and if we were to get married that these separations weren't an option; that I didn't want to keep doing this and be in a state of uncertainty. So she felt there was no other option than to pull the trigger and move out.

 

Sometime went by and we had a few long, unproductive conversations which were basically me telling her this was a mistake and that we'd regret it. For the most part we maintained NC and sometimes discussed what to do about the car I had given her (was still in my name at the time), the cell phone (also in my name) car insurance, etc (basically everything in my name).

 

Things started getting a little better, communication wise, I had quit drinking (big sticking point for her) and promised to work on my anger, but I still had that big secret... I told her. Needless to say she was crushed and lashed out pretty hard. More time went by and we started talking again.

 

We still are very much in love with each other and we start seeing each other and sleeping together again. We agreed that she wouldn't move back in for a while and that we'd take things slow. Well after 6 years, it's hard to not fall back into old habits. I became impatient and wanted her to show more of a commitment to making things work - I wanted her to work on her communication and dishonesty - I wanted her to open up. I felt that she was growing a little distant as she hadn't fully forgiven me for the cheating, somewhat although she says she still can't get over her anger for the way I've treated her in the past due to my anger.

 

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So there we were back where we started, her dishonest out of fear of my anger and me angry and insecure about her dishonesty and lack of communication - a viscous circle. So we decided to break up again and she would go to counseling - I had already seen someone briefly and honestly improved with my anger and stopped drinking altogether. We also decided that this was a separation and not a breakup. We would abstain from communication and work on our own things to reconcile, but other than that the rules were vague.

 

Like I said, I'm very open, aggressive and impatient. So the NC was killing me, particularly because I felt confused and felt like we didn't really establish solid parameters on the separation like: how long would it be? Are we not allowed to see other people (not that I wanted to but I was paranoid that she might)? Are we really doing this with the goal of reconciling? So I texted her repeatedly beating around the bush of these questions and when she gave me short responses I would get angry.

 

I then saw a private message on her Facebook account, from before we broke up, that was from the guy she slept with when broke up the first time and it sounded bad - like she was trying to hide communication with him from me. I called her and confronted her, ready to cut all ties but she explained and I believed her. But I kept bugging her about other things and requesting that she write me a letter.

 

She writes the letter and is pissed about my lack of NC and the invasion of her privacy (Facebook) and suggest that we break up (for real). I explain to her my difficulties with not being able to talk to her and my uncertainty of the separation and she somewhat reluctantly agrees to continue the separation.

 

I know I look like an ******* and I probably deserve it, but we do love each other and I want to spend the rest of my life with her - she's my dream girl and without question my best friend.

 

I don't like the fact that I invade her privacy (Facebook, phone call log, etc.), but how can I stop? How do I learn to trust her?

 

How can I get her to be more open with me? I've suggested going to see a councilor together, but I'm afraid that the damage may be done.

 

Well I'm not really looking for advice, I'll take it but I just really wanted to share. I do appreciate any input and I can elaborate on anything if needed. Thank to anyone who actually read this thing.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Sounds extremely toxic. I don't think you will bring yourself to trust her, and she won't trust you; after all you guys brought other people into the relationship--most of the time that causes pain and you walked right into that one by sleeping with someone you both slept with (which I am confused about; how is that cheating since you both shared this person anyway). While the g/f was asleep in the next room? Did I read that right? You said she was dishonest much of the time...how is she your dream girl, exactly? You also appear to be controlling her; so she didn't get her GED or license; maybe she wasn't ready and would do so at her own pace and did--but why push her?. What else would you push her to do on your timeline? How can any of this get better when it was all riddled with pathos to begin with?

[HatinIt]

@BewitchedandBothered Sorry it's taken me so long to respond - I selected the subscribe option but I guess it didn't work. Thank you for your post.

 

It may be hard to believe, but the threesomes weren't ever a problem for us, well not for her anyways. I can see that they may have resulted in me wanting to sleep with other girls and contributed to me cheating. It was certainly cheating as she wasn't there and never condoned it. I've never been a cheat in past relationships and know that I would never do it again. Yes, she was asleep in the other room.

 

She's my dream girl because we are so compatible personality wise, we are truly each other's best friends. I'm also insanely attracted to her - physically she is almost exactly my type and even after 6 years I still continue to become more and more attracted to her. Dream girl was a bit hyperbolic, but just another way of saying that she has many qualities that I look for in a girl and am still very much in love with her.

 

I agree that I am controlling, it's something we've both been aware of and something that I've been working on - I stopped pushing her a while ago. Maybe a little background on her is in order for you to understand why I felt compelled to push her though... Rather than tell her life story let me just summarize her upbringing and her family as drug addicts, marijuana users, obvious enablers to each other, void of serious discussion, irresponsible and a lack of motivation/ambition. That may sound harsh but if you where familiar with the situation, you'd make the same assessment and I'm not saying that I come from a perfect background either. I pushed her because I didn't want her to lose sight of what she wanted, it was laziness and maybe a little fear of the unknown, but it was never about her not wanting these things. Also her brother is over 30 and still doesn't have his license - his mom and family drive him every where - and the reason is because nobody ever even encouraged either one of them to do these things. I don't know where you're from but having a car is essential where we live. Her mom let her drop out of high school so she could raise her infant sister that her father abandoned.

 

She agrees that if I hadn't pushed her, she would be in a far worse place. It's something that I could have handled far better, but not something I regret. I'm sorry that it has likely contributed to our breakup, but it was best for her and ultimately, I care far more about that than anything else.

 

I take it that your opinion is that we shouldn't try to make it work; this is not something that can be fixed. You might be right, but I have a hard time believing that. I feel as though we haven't really ever tried to solve our issues - every time we've broken up and reconciled, we just fell into the same routine and were just happy to go back to "normal" while never taking any steps to ensure that these problems don't reoccur.

 

Our situation has deteriorated after my first post. I lost my job and she was worried about me and wanted to come see me. She decided to stay, we had sex, talked about what we wanted and I felt as though things were going to get better. A couple of days went by, with her saying she might stop by and she didn't - always had an excuse. The last time, she told me that it was because she was tired and I didn't believe that was the only reason - it wasn't. She finally admitted that she felt that it wasn't a good idea and that she was still in a bad place. Anyways, we are now certainly broken up, her reasoning is because she wants to make herself happy and work on self-improvement and she is unable to do that while she is constantly worried about me. I agree, but a part of me still doesn't fully understand why we need to be completely broken up - I know that's completely irrational.

 

So now I need to give her space, focus on myself and hope that she will want to come back at some point. The problem is that I'm having so much separation anxiety and I'm unable to stop thinking about her. All I want to do is text/call/see her and tell her that I love her, but I've made such a mess already by harassing her, that I'd only make things worse.