OLD - Why do men need reasons for why your not interested?

[FitChick]

When I get rejections I never ask why. I always reply, though, and it says something like "Thank you for taking the time to let me know."

 

I always reply because it's called being polite. I've had a few guys thank me and comment on how rare it is to find someone with good manners.

 

Occasionally, if someone really wants to know why we aren't a good match I state the obvious, "The answer is in my profile." Clearly they hadn't read it to begin with.

[Million.to.1]

Well I guess that is my dilemma. I try and be polite when I can or I ignore. Sometimes I don't have time to be polite to everyone, it can take an hour of my evening. And it can be frustrating. Especially if they are outside my specifications which arent even that specific, just age and location.

 

I feel OBLIGATED to reply or give reasons otherwise I am considered a bitch or insulted. This is not fair.

 

And as you can see from my original post, first I ignored the message for 5 minutes. He obviously saw that I had read his message and followed it up with a "hey???" - then I gave a polite, no, good luck" and then he pressed me for a reason?

I should of ignored and blocked him sure... But this happens quiet often and I find it frustrating and can't understand why these guys do it.

Maybe by being "snippy" with him, he will think twice about harassing the next woman he finds online for attention.

[M2155]

Interesting thread. I recently had a profile up calling myself trying something new (OLD jus isnt for me though foks) and a couple guys saw that I had viewed their profile (no winks or anything mind you) and wrote to me, one inquired why I didn't say hello. I said I was just browsing around to see whats out there and didn't know if I wanted to pursue OLD further. No questions about him (he did not fit my criteria and i didnt feel like the reason matters anyway), I never expressed interest and tried to nicely brush him off a second time.

 

Since then he has written about 6 or 7 times whenever he sees that I've been online. I feel bad because he is very polite and maybe genuine, but I've ignored almost all your messages and you keep writing? I can read it as I'm really interesting or something to you that you are persistent, but it gives off the perception like you are desperate or just can't get anyone. I've considered saying I'm not interested but I'm afraid he'll just reply with the whys etc.

[dasein]

I feel OBLIGATED to reply or give reasons otherwise I am considered a bitch or insulted. This is not fair.

 

You seem like a nice, reasonable person. Just click the "not interested button" and if they reply further, simply block them.

[Million.to.1]

This all sounds freakin awkward.

 

I think if I was gonna do it, I'd make my profile invisible (can you do that?) and just email who I wanted to email.

 

 

This is pretty much what I do. I cant make myself invisable, but I have no visible photos. I message the 4-5 guys I find intriging out of the 500 in my city and that's it. I still receive at least 10-20 messages a day though even without photos visable. It's not like in trying to advertise myself.

[jobaba]

In the 3 months I was on Match I got 5 messages.

1 fizzled out after a week of emails.

1 resulted in one date then she fell off the face of the earth.

The other 3 were obviously fake profiles.

 

A bunch of winks.

 

I'd have to say with the exception of women who winked at me first, I received zero responses form about 50 emails I sent out in total.

 

Cancelled my subscription.

Installing deck & hot tub along with dropping 10lbs during May.

My buddy is already calling the hot tub the flea bath. lordy. lulz.

 

Coming from a guy who is one of the more suave guys on this forum IMO...

 

This is pretty much what I do. I cant make myself invisable, but I have no visible photos. I message the 4-5 guys I find intriging out of the 500 in my city and that's it. I still receive at least 10-20 messages a day though even without photos visable. It's not like in trying to advertise myself.

 

Be thankful you are getting hundreds of messages more or less unsolicited and roll with the punches.

 

Also, I don't feel being called average is really an insult. I've been called that before and sometimes I almost take it as a compliment.

[Million.to.1]

Interesting thread. I recently had a profile up calling myself trying something new (OLD jus isnt for me though foks) and a couple guys saw that I had viewed their profile (no winks or anything mind you) and wrote to me, one inquired why I didn't say hello. I said I was just browsing around to see whats out there and didn't know if I wanted to pursue OLD further. No questions about him (he did not fit my criteria and i didnt feel like the reason matters anyway), I never expressed interest and tried to nicely brush him off a second time.

 

Since then he has written about 6 or 7 times whenever he sees that I've been online. I feel bad because he is very polite and maybe genuine, but I've ignored almost all your messages and you keep writing? I can read it as I'm really interesting or something to you that you are persistent, but it gives off the perception like you are desperate or just can't get anyone. I've considered saying I'm not interested but I'm afraid he'll just reply with the whys etc.

 

This is exactly what I'm talking about, perfect example.

[truth_seeker]

Good for you. Keep your dignity. Don't let anyone think or believe that you're twisting yourself in a knot over their replying or not to you. (And you shouldn't be, anyway). Who cares about him or her who didn't reply to you...

 

It shouldn't really bother anyone if you don't get a response from a stranger online.

 

It can also work in your favor as the girl will appreciate the gesture and might reconsider her decision.

[PlumPrincess]

Consider yourself lucky. It might have ended up like this article.

I don't think this article is true. It just can't be true! On the other hand, he reminds me of a certain poster here.

[truth_seeker]

Interesting thread. I recently had a profile up calling myself trying something new (OLD jus isnt for me though foks) and a couple guys saw that I had viewed their profile (no winks or anything mind you) and wrote to me, one inquired why I didn't say hello. I said I was just browsing around to see whats out there and didn't know if I wanted to pursue OLD further. No questions about him (he did not fit my criteria and i didnt feel like the reason matters anyway), I never expressed interest and tried to nicely brush him off a second time.

 

Since then he has written about 6 or 7 times whenever he sees that I've been online. I feel bad because he is very polite and maybe genuine, but I've ignored almost all your messages and you keep writing? I can read it as I'm really interesting or something to you that you are persistent, but it gives off the perception like you are desperate or just can't get anyone. I've considered saying I'm not interested but I'm afraid he'll just reply with the whys etc.

 

If you tell a guy no, then he shouldn't write to you 6 or 7 more times. You should have said not interested. He probably thought if he were persistent, he could sway you into a date. Sometimes you have to be stern and say 'no thanks!'

[Mrlonelyone]

In an online dating setting it's hard to understand why a man you have never met will ask why you don't want to keep messaging? If you met in real life and got to know each other over an extended period that's different.

 

The real reason the men persist:

 

Because sometimes it works. Not 50% not 30% more like 1% of the time the woman will relent to another date. She will find she likes the guy. Then the guy ends up an example of "persistence pays off". The woman who at the time was genuinely not interested will look back at how she acted and think she was playing hard to get.

 

That is why those men persist in messaging you. If they don't then then chance you might give them another shot is 0%. If they do ask, even a tiny chance can pan out.

 

In my personal life it goes that way allot. A person will think it is totally cool that I am transgender then flip out or act strangely when they confront the realities of what a Rlship with someone like me means. (scorn and censure from those who know Vs acceptance if not celebration of a more normal relationship.) Plenty of people willing to screw me. One had my kid, then never let me see him. None willing to just hold my hand. :_)

 

Just my $0.02.

[Jane2011]

I've definitely had situations in which I've changed my mind about a person. But the thing is, it's always been someone I was "on the fence" about in the first place. Like...eh, maybe. I would respond to men on OLD who I thought "eh...maybe" to. I get precious little of even those, though.

 

I've never been just straight-up unattracted to a guy and then suddenly became attracted or interested because he kept trying. I don't respond to the ones who are just an absolute no (in terms of my being or ever being attracted.) Of course, I understand that those men who are un-replied to don't know this and think "maybe she's on the fence about me, and a little persistence will pay off."

 

I understand the logic (if that's the case); I just can't relate to it. I've very rarely contacted men on OLD, but there have been a few occasions in which I did. And when they don't reply, I always think the worst: "He's repulsed by me." "He wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole." "He thinks I'm the biggest loser ever."

 

Doesn't bother me a great deal to think that; why would it if I don't even know the guy? At any rate, I assume the guy doesn't want me if he didn't respond. It works for me. I leave it alone.

[Chubbi]

On the bright side,

 

getting insulted on online dating is better than getting insulted after you have been cold-approached. I've been insulted so many times after being cold-approached I just get used to it now.

 

If I am rude or if I ignore, I get insulted.

 

If i am polite and engage in conversation while walking away, they are persistent. Then when you have to ignore for persistence, then they call you names.

 

I found it's better to be rude and go on and get the insult out of the way.

 

My very average Asian friend told me this guy was driving down the street, saw her, turned all the way around and cat-called. Then, when she ignored him, he called her a b***.

[Feelsgoodman]

Women do the same thing. I had a woman on a dating site write 17 messages (yes, I counted) to me even though I didn't respond to her once! I had another one who also wrote to me first and I wasn't too sure about her looks because her profile pics were kind of blurry. So I asked her to send me more pics and once she did, I decided I wasn't interest. Well, she continued messaging me for weeks asking when we could hang out even though I was totally ignoring her and not responding to her messages. You'd think she'd get the hint but no. In her second last message she straight up offered to meet for drinks and have sex afterwards. When I didn't respond to that generous offer, she wrote an angry message accusing me of wasting her time!

[Feelsgoodman]

The real reason the men persist:

 

Because sometimes it works. Not 50% not 30% more like 1% of the time the woman will relent to another date. She will find she likes the guy. Then the guy ends up an example of "persistence pays off". The woman who at the time was genuinely not interested will look back at how she acted and think she was playing hard to get.

Very true. I know a guy who was chasing the woman he later married for six months until she finally relented and agreed to go on a date with him. When he first met her, she wasn't even remotely interested in him. Such outcomes are the exception rather than the rule but they do happen occasionally and, as you say, become examples of "persistence pays off".

[dasein]

Because sometimes it works.

 

One of my best friends mailed a woman four times before she would even reply. Not my style, but they have been living together over a year now and practically married.

[truth_seeker]

Women do the same thing. I had a woman on a dating site write 17 messages (yes, I counted) to me even though I didn't respond to her once! I had another one who also wrote to me first and I wasn't too sure about her looks because her profile pics were kind of blurry. So I asked her to send me more pics and once she did, I decided I wasn't interest. Well, she continued messaging me for weeks asking when we could hang out even though I was totally ignoring her and not responding to her messages. You'd think she'd get the hint but no. In her second last message she straight up offered to meet for drinks and have sex afterwards. When I didn't respond to that generous offer, she wrote an angry message accusing me of wasting her time!

 

Why not respond? Just tell her you're not interested or you met someone and you're focusing your attention on that person? I think it's mean to let them keep emailing you and not responding.

[truth_seeker]

One of my best friends mailed a woman four times before she would even reply. Not my style, but they have been living together over a year now and practically married.

 

Sometimes it works, most times it doesn't. It would seem that the times it does work, the women were playing hard to get? Or at least hiding the fact they liked the attention.

[GravityMan]

When women that I'm not interested in (due to looks or any deal-breakers in profile) message me, I either (a) don't respond, or (b) respond politely (while clearly getting my point across) followed by blocking them. Which approach I take depends on the kind of message she wrote. Vapid, yawn-inducing messages like "Hi" or "Hey there how you doin'?" do not get a reply from me. Messages that have more substance and appear to be written by an articulate woman get the polite response, as I appreciate the effort despite my lack of interest.

 

Some guys whine and worry too much about the "why" when they're rejected. Having to explain why is awkward for most people of either gender. Just accept the fact that she isn't interested, get the hell over it, and move on with your life. (Hopefully you do have other things going for you in your life.) 11 women might reject you...8 of those women might have 8 different reasons why they're not into you and sometimes there is no explicit reason other than the fact that she...well...just isn't into you. There may or may not be anything necessarily wrong with you or those women, objectively speaking. You're just not a good match. The 12th woman might be very much into you for a few of the same reasons that some of the first 11 aren't into you.

[Feelsgoodman]

Why not respond? Just tell her you're not interested or you met someone and you're focusing your attention on that person? I think it's mean to let them keep emailing you and not responding.

When you respond and say that you're not interested, it's even worse. Most women can't take rejection. Usually they start pestering you with questions (just like the guy in the OP's post). For example, I told one girl, very nicely, that I appreciated her writing to me but wasn't interested. She asks me why. I say you're not my type. She says what's your type? Well, what am I supposed to say in response to that? Someone who is thinner and has a prettier face?

 

And sometimes women get downright angry and say things like 'oh, you must be really stuck up' or 'you must think very highly of yourself, no wonder you are still single'. Or they start lecturing you on how you need to give "average" girls a chance. It's easier to ignore them than to deal with this BS.

[M2155]

I'm perfectly fine when a man whom I've never met or had any offline interaction with ignores my inquiry on an OLD site. I assume the lack of response means a lack of interest. I thought that was a given with OLD, so I am always surprised by the guys (and women I imagine) get all offended that you don't write them, respond, explain yourself or not chat when they are online. You don't know me from Amy so I am not offended if you ignore and it doesn't matter why- I can even see trying a second time and letting that go. I dont think any less of the person if they dont write back to say they're not interested. That said, I guess you have nothing to lose to keep persisting but for me message 4 is more of a turnoff if I've already ignored 1-3.

[truth_seeker]

When you respond and say that you're not interested, it's even worse. Most women can't take rejection. Usually they start pestering you with questions (just like the guy in the OP's post). For example, I told one girl, very nicely, that I appreciated her writing to me but wasn't interested. She asks me why. I say you're not my type. She says what's your type? Well, what am I supposed to say in response to that? Someone who is thinner and has a prettier face?

 

And sometimes women get downright angry and say things like 'oh, you must be really stuck up' or 'you must think very highly of yourself, no wonder you are still single'. Or they start lecturing you on how you need to give "average" girls a chance. It's easier to ignore them than to deal with this BS.

 

I can't believe people do this. I'm surprised there are women who behave this way. I do remember one girl I met IRL was aggressive in pursuing me after one date. I thought she was cute but I just didn't see myself wanting a serious relationship with her, and since she was a sweet girl, I felt it was best to not date her at all. Well, one of her friends took exception and started a 'fun' rumor that I passed on her friend because I had inadequate equipment and was afraid she would laugh at me. I know she made this up to make her friend feel better, but at the cost of hurting me when all I did was politely decline seeing the girl in the future? Crazy.

[Feelsgoodman]

I can't believe people do this. I'm surprised there are women who behave this way.

Men don't have exclusive right to insecurity and fear of rejection. In fact, women generally take rejection worse than men, which is why it's more rare for them to approach/initiate conversation. They'd rather miss out on a good opportunity than risk rejection.

[mesmerized]

Men don't have exclusive right to insecurity and fear of rejection. In fact, women generally take rejection worse than men, which is why it's more rare for them to approach/initiate conversation. They'd rather miss out on a good opportunity than risk rejection.

 

Weird, I always thought it was the opposite. I never sent a message back that I'm not interested to a guy except once to an old guy. He got really upset and wrote a long message complaining about woman nowadays and when I didn't respond he kept messaging me lol If you don't have thick skin, don't do online dating, thats all I can say to people!

[ThaWholigan]

Weird, I always thought it was the opposite. I never sent a message back that I'm not interested to a guy except once to an old guy. He got really upset and wrote a long message complaining about woman nowadays and when I didn't respond he kept messaging me lol If you don't have thick skin, don't do online dating, thats all I can say to people!

People with thick skin are generally better at dating, period. I think there are just some really sensitive people out there, and it's not their fault to be honest, they were born that way.