oaks Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Plus the guy is saying "well that's a first, why are you not interested?" as if no woman has ever not been interested before. I suspect it was more like "no woman has ever replied to reject him before". It is unusual to get a "no" (vs simply getting no response). 1
irc333 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 (edited) I have been known to follow up with a "Sorry, not interested" email....depending on the person I emailed. There had been some women that, I KNEW we had A LOT in common....this one woman I recall had a Sci-Fi movie quote in her headline, and she said, "If you can guess the movie quote, you got points!" Or something to that effect.....I was not only able to guess it right, but I fired off a couple of other quotes for said movie in my initial email to her. And it was rather an OBSCURE non-mainstream Sci-Fi flicks. Think there were some Monty Python references in her profile, too. She listed a lot of stuff in her profile we had in common, but not only in hobbies and interests, but like minded thinking when it came to morals and values. I was thinking "Yes, finally a woman that GETS me" So, when she said, "Sorry, I don't think we're a good match" I had to question it.....but I got no response. I even said, "Well, from what you described about yourself...we seem to have a lot in common, so why would you not be interested?" In the few times i have used online dating, there is something that ALWAYS happens and i find it really amusing. It seems that if a male messages me, and I reply saying "thanks, but I'm not interested sorry" They always send another message asking me WHY? Here is an example of a conversation from today. Male - hey 'username' how you goin Im 32 living in New Market, 6'3, blondish hair, blue grey eyes athetlic build. I work full time as a Business Development Manager looking to start own venture later in the year. Not sure what else to intro with! care to chat! John (5mins later) Male - hey??? Me - ( After reading his (boring) profile and looking at his photo, over weight, pastie, balding ginger ) Thanks for the message. I'm not interested though, sorry. Best of luck! Male lol well thats a first, why are you not interested? Me ( I don't understand how I am supposed to reply to this! ) * Sigh* ..... Really?? Well first of all, it can't really be a first really otherwise you wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't be single. The reason i am not interested is that after i read your profile and i looked at your photo, I did not feel compelled to want to know more about you. Is that reason satisfactory enough for you? Male The point is I'm surprised someone of average exterior would not enquire further but then you may not be what is considered intelligent, no offense by that. I guess you don't know what you don't know huh!. Needless to say I was only curious, given your response it's at no regret you feel that way . GL! Honestly... WTF?? why can't some men just accept the "no thanks"? why do they have to know why, then insult you when you tell them the answer? what are they expecting?? I just don't get it. Edited April 28, 2012 by irc333
irc333 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I prefer that women not write back if they're not interested. I don't really need to know anything more, the silence speaks volumes. I would sometimes get responses, but....they were just answers to my questions....it wouldn't be a "sorry , not interested" email, but they wouldn't counter with any questions about me.... For instance...."Yes, I have lived her for 6 years and work as <profession>...." but they'd never end the sentence with, "and you?"
ThaWholigan Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I'm notoriously bad at sending messages on OLD, my messages are ponderous rather than intriguing. I have on occasion thought about asking for advice from the recipients of my messages, but I decided against it as it's awkward.
oaks Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 (edited) Honestly... WTF?? why can't some men just accept the "no thanks"? why do they have to know why, then insult you when you tell them the answer? what are they expecting?? I just don't get it. I'm guessing it's a combination of: Damn! A girl replied to me! Must keep the conversation going at all costs!I wonder if I can genuinely get feedback to improve the attractiveness of my profile or opening messages.Can I change her mind?I don't like being rejected and I'm all butthurt about it so I'm going to be a dick. When I get rejections I never ask why. I always reply, though, and it says something like "Thank you for taking the time to let me know." I recently got a rejection that told me exactly what was wrong (well, she gave a reason... whether it was the only reason I'll never know). It said something like "I'm looking to connect with people closer to my location." She was in "London", and my location is a specific place just outside London, so from my point of view she could've been just 20 minutes away or she could've been nearly 2 hours away (London is a big place). So I thanked her for taking the time to read my profile (since she must've done, at least a bit, to see where I was) and wished her luck. She replied to thank me for wishing her luck! I hope I made her day by not being an asshat. Edited April 28, 2012 by oaks 1
Author Million.to.1 Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 Thread = myth. How do I know? Two of the women I dated from OLD, very popular profiles, who showed me hundreds of mails they got. One was getting 50+ per day. 0 men responded with questions after getting the standard "not interested" button. Zero. They both had at least one guy who kept bothering, but that was only after they had been on a date. Then one of the women and I set up an obvious joke profile, got 20-40 emails per day for weeks. All got the not interested button. Once more, 0 pestering follow up. I'm sure it happens, but like most everything else in femworld, they -dramatize- and -dramatize- and -dramatize- a few bad instances into "always." Give it a break. Categorizing a guy who asks "why" as "harrassment" on an anonymous dating site is also unduly melodramatic. Well that obviously your experience, but I have found this to happens alot, at least for me. Ive had all the "Why don't you want to date me?" "What, you think you're too good for me?" "What'd I do wrong?" "I see you've been online but didn't answer my email." and it's annoying! I agree with all posters who say my answer was snippy... But his "lol that's a first" - I just found to be so arrogant. I was polite in my first response and he still wanted to know why. So i told him... and yeah, i was "snippy" because jeez.. I don't want to be having this conversation! Just take the hint and leave me alone. I have often in the past not replied as a way to say I'm not interested. This was a new site and i had just signed up and he was like message number 2 so i was just trying to do the right ting and reply politely, no thanks. In fact, here is a blurb from my (other) profile. (my reply ratio is 4%) I'm kinda shy. Well actually, I'm not at all. It's just this whole internet dating palaver..I really can't be arsed investing to much time in it as it has been, in my small experience, a bit of a waste of time. A lot of men don't read profiles, don't have photos, send endless messages and just, well, don't take the hint. So I'm not necessarily going to reply if you message me. I'm sorry, but I'm picky, and that's basically because I'm crazy. That's right, crazy. I kinda think I know what I want, but really I don't. Like most woman, I can sometimes be completely irrational. So I may not want to meet you, or keep up friendly email ping-pong with you or try to explain politely why I'm not interested. It is not because I think you are ugly or too old or lack imagination. Or maybe it is. But this is not about you. It is because I am irrational and crazy. Ok? Sweet.
irc333 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I am now starting to see disclaimers in women's profiles these days saying.... "If I don't respond to your email, chances are I didn't think we were a good match" Some follow that with. ".....and please, if I don't reply, don't follow it up with more emails, if I didn't reply to your FIRST one, don't keep sending others." The unfortunately side to PUTTING that in their profile, it just discourages me from contacting them. Well that obviously your experience, but I have found this to happens alot, at least for me. Ive had all the "Why don't you want to date me?" "What, you think you're too good for me?" "What'd I do wrong?" "I see you've been online but didn't answer my email." and it's annoying! I agree with all posters who say my answer was snippy... But his "lol that's a first" - I just found to be so arrogant. I was polite in my first response and he still wanted to know why. So i told him... and yeah, i was "snippy" because jeez.. I don't want to be having this conversation! Just take the hint and leave me alone. I have often in the past not replied as a way to say I'm not interested. This was a new site and i had just signed up and he was like message number 2 so i was just trying to do the right ting and reply politely, no thanks. In fact, here is a blurb from my (other) profile. (my reply ratio is 4%) I'm kinda shy. Well actually, I'm not at all. It's just this whole internet dating palaver..I really can't be arsed investing to much time in it as it has been, in my small experience, a bit of a waste of time. A lot of men don't read profiles, don't have photos, send endless messages and just, well, don't take the hint. So I'm not necessarily going to reply if you message me. I'm sorry, but I'm picky, and that's basically because I'm crazy. That's right, crazy. I kinda think I know what I want, but really I don't. Like most woman, I can sometimes be completely irrational. So I may not want to meet you, or keep up friendly email ping-pong with you or try to explain politely why I'm not interested. It is not because I think you are ugly or too old or lack imagination. Or maybe it is. But this is not about you. It is because I am irrational and crazy. Ok? Sweet. 1
Author Million.to.1 Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 I'm guessing it's a combination of: Damn! A girl replied to me! Must keep the conversation going at all costs!I wonder if I can genuinely get feedback to improve the attractiveness of my profile or opening messages.Can I change her mind?I don't like being rejected and I'm all butthurt about it so I'm going to be a dick. When I get rejections I never ask why. I always reply, though, and it says something like "Thank you for taking the time to let me know." I recently got a rejection that told me exactly what was wrong (well, she gave a reason... whether it was the only reason I'll never know). It said something like "I'm looking to connect with people closer to my location." She was in "London", and my location is a specific place just outside London, so from my point of view she could've been just 20 minutes away or she could've been nearly 2 hours away (London is a big place). So I thanked her for taking the time to read my profile (since she must've done, at least a bit, to see where I was) and wished her luck. She replied to thank me for wishing her luck! I hope I made her day by not being an asshat. Exactly... Sometimes I reply a thanks but no thanks Good luck type message and get a "thanks for replying and good luck too" message, and that's the way it should be. It is always easier when there is a reason you can say.. like "I'm looking for someone younger" but if it it really because you find them physically repulsive and or what they say in their profiles unappealing, then it's pretty hard to formulate an answer that is not potentially going to get a "why not" conversation happening.
Author Million.to.1 Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 The unfortunately side to PUTTING that in their profile, it just discourages me from contacting them. THIS is the very unfortunate result. Disclaimers help with the idiots you don't want... which there are many... and discourages the good one in which there a few. What would your solution be?
irc333 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 THIS is the very unfortunate result. Disclaimers help with the idiots you don't want... which there are many... and discourages the good one in which there a few. What would your solution be? Sorry, you're S.O.L. There was this one woman, no joke....she kinda had some sexual photos in your profile, showing off the cleavage.....so she kinda brought it on herself....but she was pasting some of the emails she's gotten, even somewhat pornographic IN her profile....I dunno, just to show to the rest of the world the kind of emails she's been getting. lol
Author Million.to.1 Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 ^^ Exactly. I get at least 5 messages a day from men outside of my age specification. 5! Plus the other 10-20 from others. I say 28-40yrs only thanks yet some dude who is 55 will send me a message saying that he is "young at heart" It takes time to read and or reply. it might take me 20-30mins just going through messages i didn't want to receive in the first place.
oaks Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 ^^ Exactly. I get at least 5 messages a day from men outside of my age specification. 5! On some sites, such as PoF, you can stop those people from being able to send you a message. I see lots of profiles there that ask for a specific age range but then don't restrict who can message them to that age range, which seems like a bit of a fail to me. 1
truth_seeker Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Oh my god, that's insane. I skimmed to get a sense of the email, but I'm going to read it in more detail for more of a laugh. Jeez! I read most of the email and that is one guy with a big ego. The letter makes no sense. He's upset she blew him off after the date. Just the way he wrote it, and tries to convince her how it would be right for her to give him another chance, it was like he had a prospective client in front of him and was making a sales pitch. I'm not against writing a letter to someone but it has to have merit. Recently broke up, explain a misunderstanding, shed light on a situation. But to write a letter to a woman who didn't care for you after a first date? That's psychotic. Just accept it: not everyone likes everyone.
Jane2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I suspect it was more like "no woman has ever replied to reject him before". It is unusual to get a "no" (vs simply getting no response). Yeah, I don't think the guy's first email "lol, that's a first, why are you not interested" was necessarily a horrible thing. A little of my vehemence in this thread is toward true harassers of the "you're a bitch" variety (or something like that, even if there's not cursing or name-calling involved, but there's clear mocking or anger), not necessarily a simple, calm "why?" follow-up, although I stand by my thinking that even just the "why?" is kind of a silly/desperate thing to do. I've emailed guys before on OLD before who didn't respond to me, and I never re-emailed them. I figured they just thought I was not good enough for them, for whatever the reason, as is often the case with people. And for people who want feedback on their profile, ask a female friend or acquaintance; I think, for the most part, it's awkward to ask it of the person who rejected you. People generally don't want to talk to people they reject. Not necessarily that they don't think you're a nice person; it's just a little bit awkward... That said, I think some people would happily give you feedback about your profile, but just as many probably would rather you just go away. I wouldn't risk it by asking when your actual female friends and acquaintances are (or male friends or acquaintances if you're female) are a sure thing to give you help.
Jane2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I read most of the email and that is one guy with a big ego. The letter makes no sense. He's upset she blew him off after the date. Just the way he wrote it, and tries to convince her how it would be right for her to give him another chance, it was like he had a prospective client in front of him and was making a sales pitch. I'm not against writing a letter to someone but it has to have merit. Recently broke up, explain a misunderstanding, shed light on a situation. But to write a letter to a woman who didn't care for you after a first date? That's psychotic. Just accept it: not everyone likes everyone. I read the whole thing, too, and I felt bad for thinking he's a big dork (I mean, he is a human being and obviously wants love in his life), but his letter was just so....ridiculous. Like, how do you not know that people don't want to be essay-written into having feelings for you or giving you a shot? You can never talk anyone into anything. The best you can do is increase your attractiveness to them in some way. That doesn't usually happen through 'convincing letters'.
truth_seeker Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I am now starting to see disclaimers in women's profiles these days saying.... "If I don't respond to your email, chances are I didn't think we were a good match" Some follow that with. ".....and please, if I don't reply, don't follow it up with more emails, if I didn't reply to your FIRST one, don't keep sending others." The unfortunately side to PUTTING that in their profile, it just discourages me from contacting them. I disagree with ending it at one email. A follow up is fine, but it ends there. There was one girl I was interested in and I sent her an email. No response. I waited a couple of weeks and sent a follow up. She replied. Women get tons of emails from men. Between the time she is online and offline, you could send an email and 50 other guys could send her one. Yours could be buried and she carelessly skips over it or is frustrated and does a mass delete. If there is a way to find out if the woman read your email and didn't respond, then you do not send a follow up email.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I would sometimes get responses, but....they were just answers to my questions....it wouldn't be a "sorry , not interested" email, but they wouldn't counter with any questions about me.... For instance...."Yes, I have lived her for 6 years and work as <profession>...." but they'd never end the sentence with, "and you?" In that situation, reading between the lines also gives you volumes of information.
truth_seeker Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I read the whole thing, too, and I felt bad for thinking he's a big dork (I mean, he is a human being and obviously wants love in his life), but his letter was just so....ridiculous. Like, how do you not know that people don't want to be essay-written into having feelings for you or giving you a shot? You can never talk anyone into anything. The best you can do is increase your attractiveness to them in some way. That doesn't usually happen through 'convincing letters'. Right. You can't force or convince anyone. That's a complete turn off. It is also very telling about the person who wrote the letter. Could you imagine being in a relationship with someone like that? He seems all about himself, getting his way, and then once he does, he will pull the 'hot potato' act.
truth_seeker Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I recently got a rejection that told me exactly what was wrong (well, she gave a reason... whether it was the only reason I'll never know). It said something like "I'm looking to connect with people closer to my location." She was in "London", and my location is a specific place just outside London, so from my point of view she could've been just 20 minutes away or she could've been nearly 2 hours away (London is a big place). So I thanked her for taking the time to read my profile (since she must've done, at least a bit, to see where I was) and wished her luck. She replied to thank me for wishing her luck! I hope I made her day by not being an asshat. This is how you do it. Kill them with kindness and walk away with your dignity intact. I think some women write a response to get a negative reaction out of guy. Some do this as a test, others just to mess with the guy. Unless someone insults me, I will not insult them back. I will do what you did. Send a response telling them I wish them the best of luck in their search and THANK them for taking the time to reply to my message. 3
Jane2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 This is how you do it. Kill them with kindness and walk away with your dignity intact. I think some women write a response to get a negative reaction out of guy. Some do this as a test, others just to mess with the guy. Unless someone insults me, I will not insult them back. I will do what you did. Send a response telling them I wish them the best of luck in their search and THANK them for taking the time to reply to my message. Good for you. Keep your dignity. Don't let anyone think or believe that you're twisting yourself in a knot over their replying or not to you. (And you shouldn't be, anyway). Who cares about him or her who didn't reply to you... Just as an aside, one reason why I reply to so few men is that 1) well, just the basic I'm not attracted, but also 2) very rarely do they write anything other than "Hey there, want to talk?" or "Nice profile. How was your weekend?" I've had guys who weren't attractive to me write me about a paragraph about something in my profile, comment about a t.v. show or a book that was mentioned in my profile, and actually *say* something. I write them back even if I'm not romantically interested because I have some indication that they know how to converse. I'm not saying guys who just write "Want to talk?" aren't capable of talking; likely they just don't want to invest time writing a paragraph or two in a woman they don't even know will give them the time of day or not. But...I just don't feel bad about not responding if I'm both not attracted and they didn't have anything to say.
dasein Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 ^^ Exactly. I get at least 5 messages a day from men outside of my age specification. That doesn't sound particularly inconvenient, the average and even above average man on OLD sites gets 0 messages a day from anyone, let alone women outside his parameters. Even at my OLD peak, I got 0 incoming messages from women in my parameters.
veggirl Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 This all sounds freakin awkward. I think if I was gonna do it, I'd make my profile invisible (can you do that?) and just email who I wanted to email. If someone messages you I think it'd be nice to say not interested, but I agree with the suggestions of then block them. I can't imagine many people actually demanding reasons for someone not being interested, that is nuts! I'd be sooo embarrassed to ask someone that, it reeks of desperation. A dude who is gonna do stuff like that is prob a dude who desperately needs to be asking women out in REAL life out on the streets and NOT online! Clearly the computer screen makes some people quite bold!
Easyguy14 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I'm just trying to see it from both sides. I know a few instances when I've been approached in the past, if I respond with a nice "I'm not interested" response and I've gotten the "well, you look stupid in that outfit" form of response, then out slips my silver tongue. yea its pretty childish and inappropriate for someone to insult you after a rejection. if they weren't into you in the first place then why would they waste time writing you? it makes them look stupid really. 1
phineas Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 That doesn't sound particularly inconvenient, the average and even above average man on OLD sites gets 0 messages a day from anyone, let alone women outside his parameters. Even at my OLD peak, I got 0 incoming messages from women in my parameters. In the 3 months I was on Match I got 5 messages. 1 fizzled out after a week of emails. 1 resulted in one date then she fell off the face of the earth. The other 3 were obviously fake profiles. A bunch of winks. I'd have to say with the exception of women who winked at me first, I received zero responses form about 50 emails I sent out in total. Cancelled my subscription. Installing deck & hot tub along with dropping 10lbs during May. My buddy is already calling the hot tub the flea bath. lordy. lulz. 2
starla33 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 In the few times i have used online dating, there is something that ALWAYS happens and i find it really amusing. It seems that if a male messages me, and I reply saying "thanks, but I'm not interested sorry" They always send another message asking me WHY? Here is an example of a conversation from today. Male - hey 'username' how you goin Im 32 living in New Market, 6'3, blondish hair, blue grey eyes athetlic build. I work full time as a Business Development Manager looking to start own venture later in the year. Not sure what else to intro with! care to chat! John (5mins later) Male - hey??? Me - ( After reading his (boring) profile and looking at his photo, over weight, pastie, balding ginger ) Thanks for the message. I'm not interested though, sorry. Best of luck! Male lol well thats a first, why are you not interested? Me ( I don't understand how I am supposed to reply to this! ) * Sigh* ..... Really?? Well first of all, it can't really be a first really otherwise you wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't be single. The reason i am not interested is that after i read your profile and i looked at your photo, I did not feel compelled to want to know more about you. Is that reason satisfactory enough for you? Male The point is I'm surprised someone of average exterior would not enquire further but then you may not be what is considered intelligent, no offense by that. I guess you don't know what you don't know huh!. Needless to say I was only curious, given your response it's at no regret you feel that way . GL! Honestly... WTF?? why can't some men just accept the "no thanks"? why do they have to know why, then insult you when you tell them the answer? what are they expecting?? I just don't get it. a lot of guys do this and will even email twice if you don't reply. Sometimes it is just best to ignore.
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