Million.to.1 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 In the few times i have used online dating, there is something that ALWAYS happens and i find it really amusing. It seems that if a male messages me, and I reply saying "thanks, but I'm not interested sorry" They always send another message asking me WHY? Here is an example of a conversation from today. Male - hey 'username' how you goin Im 32 living in New Market, 6'3, blondish hair, blue grey eyes athetlic build. I work full time as a Business Development Manager looking to start own venture later in the year. Not sure what else to intro with! care to chat! John (5mins later) Male - hey??? Me - ( After reading his (boring) profile and looking at his photo, over weight, pastie, balding ginger ) Thanks for the message. I'm not interested though, sorry. Best of luck! Male lol well thats a first, why are you not interested? Me ( I don't understand how I am supposed to reply to this! ) * Sigh* ..... Really?? Well first of all, it can't really be a first really otherwise you wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't be single. The reason i am not interested is that after i read your profile and i looked at your photo, I did not feel compelled to want to know more about you. Is that reason satisfactory enough for you? Male The point is I'm surprised someone of average exterior would not enquire further but then you may not be what is considered intelligent, no offense by that. I guess you don't know what you don't know huh!. Needless to say I was only curious, given your response it's at no regret you feel that way . GL! Honestly... WTF?? why can't some men just accept the "no thanks"? why do they have to know why, then insult you when you tell them the answer? what are they expecting?? I just don't get it. 1
threebyfate Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Consider yourself lucky. It might have ended up like this article. 1
SmileFace Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Guy writes to you and you are not interested just write back and block him so you don't have to deal with this
Jane2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Consider yourself lucky. It might have ended up like this article. Oh my god, that's insane. I skimmed to get a sense of the email, but I'm going to read it in more detail for more of a laugh. Jeez!
Bob_Funk Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Being ginger is a sexual death sentence if you're a guy. 1
Jane2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 To the OP, I know, some guys are just..."persistent mofos"...is the best I can think of at this point. I recently got back on OkCupid (and am already hating it again). But...I got an email from a guy about a week ago, which I never replied to. Today he wrote another one that said "Was it something I said?" I'm just thinking...what the hell? Just leave me alone. (I know, I don't belong on OkCupid with my attitude...)
Jane2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Honestly... WTF?? why can't some men just accept the "no thanks"? why do they have to know why, then insult you when you tell them the answer? what are they expecting?? I just don't get it. This is why I don't email them back if I'm not interested. I don't want to engage in any sort of "Why not?" or "You're a bitch" or "What, you think you're too good for me?" verbal exchange with them. But, as you can see from what I wrote above, sometimes even when you don't reply, they still write something semi-sarcastic, like "Was it something I said?" It's safer, though, to not respond. There's something about absence of words which makes you look like less of a bitch. You still seem like a bitch, but a silent bitch as opposed to a speaking bitch. Somehow, the former is less offensive.
FitChick Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I used to say they weren't my type only to be harangued with "You don't even know me!" "Who do you think you are to judge me?" and similar. I used to make suggestions as to how they could improve their profiles and photos, then got abuse in return. Now I give the standard "good luck on your search" and block them.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I prefer that women not write back if they're not interested. I don't really need to know anything more, the silence speaks volumes. 2
january2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Perhaps because you rejected him so nicely, he thought that if he badgered you enough and swatted away every single one of your objections, somehow you'd magically decide to go out with him. Then he got your second message and he realised that you weren't so 'nice' after all (no offence) - so he reassigns you to the bltch/feminist/misandrist/lesbian pot where all such women who reject him are placed. After all, any half decent/sane woman would be so flattered that he deigned to contact her that she'd be waiting with bated breath at her PC for every.single.one of his eloquent missives. His ego was hurt. He decided to put you in your place, so went after your intelligence and looks. A guy who reacts like that is not dating material. Good call. 2
snug.bunny Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Honestly... WTF?? why can't some men just accept the "no thanks"? why do they have to know why, then insult you when you tell them the answer? what are they expecting?? I just don't get it. You insulted him first. Granted, there may not always be a delicate way to tell someone you're not interested when first approached, but the tone (and words used) in your second response sounds like something one would say after being pissed off by that person. All he asked was "lol well thats a first, why are you not interested?" Had he said something along the lines of "well, your photos really aren't that pretty anyway, but why are you not interested", then sure, I can see why you'd feel snippy in your response. 5
january2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 You insulted him first. Granted, there may not always be a delicate way to tell someone you're not interested when first approached, but the tone (and words used) in your second response sounds like something one would say after being pissed off by that person. All he asked was "lol well thats a first, why are you not interested?" Had he said something along the lines of "well, your photos really aren't that pretty anyway, but why are you not interested", then sure, I can see why you'd feel snippy in your response. Ah, good points. I take back my post, just a little - two wrongs don't make a right.
Jane2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 You insulted him first. Granted, there may not always be a delicate way to tell someone you're not interested when first approached, but the tone (and words used) in your second response sounds like something one would say after being pissed off by that person. All he asked was "lol well thats a first, why are you not interested?" Had he said something along the lines of "well, your photos really aren't that pretty anyway, but why are you not interested", then sure, I can see why you'd feel snippy in your response. Yeah, I'd agree her 2nd response to him was kinda snippy. Yet, I don't feel too bad for the guy. I'm bothered by anyone who feels the need to ask "Why are you not interested in me?" anyway, even if they have good intentions. She's not interested because she's not attracted. Don't bug her about it. Some other woman will be interested. I don't really get people trying to get "feedback" as to what they're doing wrong or what's wrong with their profile. (Well, I do see it...yet, I feel like people should just be themselves and not ask people 'why?' when they're not interested). 1
snug.bunny Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Ah, good points. I take back my post, just a little - two wrongs don't make a right. I'm just trying to see it from both sides. I know a few instances when I've been approached in the past, if I respond with a nice "I'm not interested" response and I've gotten the "well, you look stupid in that outfit" form of response, then out slips my silver tongue. 2
Jane2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Plus the guy is saying "well that's a first, why are you not interested?" as if no woman has ever not been interested before. (As I said above, just don't reply to men you're not interested in; it's a nicer sort of bitchiness...)
snug.bunny Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Plus the guy is saying "well that's a first, why are you not interested?" as if no woman has ever not been interested before. (As I said above, just don't reply to men you're not interested in; it's a nicer sort of bitchiness...) True. Ah wells, at least he showed some determination initially that wasn't snippy. I read his inquiry response as "hey, I'm an awesome guy, you should be interested".
Jane2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 (edited) True. Ah wells, at least he showed some determination initially that wasn't snippy. I read his inquiry response as "hey, I'm an awesome guy, you should be interested". Yeah, I can see how it could be read that way, too. Not arrogance, but just a casual "but hey I'm pretty cool" type of thing. If I were one to respond to men I'm not interested in, I myself wouldn't have responded the way the OP did. I'd've been more polite. At the same time, if I were a guy, I'd never risk my ego by asking a woman "Why aren't you interested in me?" You shouldn't ask questions unless you're prepared for a variety of possible answers, some of which may hurt. Hence, if a guy gets an answer he doesn't like (or just a tone of voice/words), he should know he invited it by asking, and therefore shouldn't then get all 'hater' on the woman. Edited April 28, 2012 by Jane2011
jobaba Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 You did insult him first. But whatever... I never ask. Whether it's a woman I hit on at a bar while piss drunk or a woman I've known for 2 years and have a great rapport with, I just won't ask. Been there, done that. A woman I got to know every detail about over the course of a year and that I practically fell in love with not long ago rejected me, and I didn't even bother to ask why. I knew why... I guess that's the 'beauty' of experience.
threebyfate Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Moral to the story: If you can't handle an honest answer, don't ask the question. 4
Jane2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 (edited) I never ask. Whether it's a woman I hit on at a bar while piss drunk or a woman I've known for 2 years and have a great rapport with, I just won't ask. Been there, done that. A woman I got to know every detail about over the course of a year and that I practically fell in love with not long ago rejected me, and I didn't even bother to ask why. I knew why... I guess that's the 'beauty' of experience. I actually think it's fine to ask a person who you have experience with, who you've been around in real life and have some connection with (whether for an hour or two at a bar or over the course of a couple of years as people who know each other). It's reasonable to want to know what it is that is stopping them from moving forward with you. (Not to say there's not still risk of not liking the answer, but at least there's no absolute ridiculousness in asking at all). But strangers over the Internet harassing other strangers on online dating sites? "Why don't you want to date me?" "What, you think you're too good for me?" "What'd I do wrong?" "I see you've been online but didn't answer my email." The woman (or guy, if the roles are reversed) read your profile and saw your pictures and wasn't interested. It's simple. There was no connection to begin with, and nothing for you (whether man or woman) to get all indignant about. Edited April 28, 2012 by Jane2011 2
jobaba Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 (edited) I actually think it's fine to ask a person who you have experience with, who you've been around in real life and have some connection with (whether for an hour or two at a bar or over the course of a couple of years as people who know each other). It's reasonable to want to know what it is that is stopping them from moving forward with you. (Not to say there's not still risk of not liking the answer, but at least there's no absolute ridiculousness in asking at all). But strangers over the Internet harassing other strangers on online dating sites? "Why don't you want to date me?" "What, you think you're too good for me?" "What'd I do wrong?" "I see you've been online but didn't answer my email." The woman (or guy, if the roles are reversed) read your profile and saw your pictures and wasn't interested. It's simple. There was no connection to begin with, and nothing for you (whether man or woman) to get all indignant about. Funny, I think it's the opposite. I've been rejected by many women in bars and at parties and functions, and if they call me ugly or whatever, it doesn't really matter. Might sting for a bit. But I'll get over it quick. After all, I don't know them. None of them have really called me ugly, but a couple of them have derided me back in the day. I barely remember. On the other hand, if a woman you have feelings that slowly developed over a year and half who you had a great rapport with and had spent hundreds of hours hanging out with one on one rejects you, and you harass her into revealing that it's because she's not physically attracted to you, well ... put yourself in that position. Been there, done that. That's why I didn't ask the last time. I knew why and I was stupid enough to let it happen again for some reason. Edited April 28, 2012 by jobaba
Jane2011 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Funny, I think it's the opposite. I've been rejected by many women in bars and at parties and functions, and if they call me ugly or whatever, it doesn't really matter. Might sting for a bit. But I'll get over it quick. After all, I don't know them On the other hand, if a woman you have feelings that slowly developed over a year and half who you had a great rapport with and had spent hundreds of hours hanging out with one on one rejects you, and you harass her into revealing that it's because she's not physically attracted to you, well ... put yourself in that position. Been there, done that. That's why I didn't ask the last time. I knew why and I was stupid enough to let it happen again for some reason. We actually agree. I don't think you should ask questions to which you don't want to hear the answer, no matter the context (OLD, bar setting with a person you've known for just an hour, or a years-long emotional investment in an opposite sex romantic interest). Even if you already know, you may not want to hear it explicitly, so don't ask. I'm just saying it wouldn't be ridiculous to ask (in the case of the in-person connections), even if it's not smart to ask (from the feelings-sparing perspective).
udolipixie Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 From my experiences/observations most men need reasons for why you're not interested is because they don't consider women human beings with different tastes but interchangeable bodies with a hive mind operating like Rubik's cube who turn into a pocket pussy that doles out sex and relationships when he does this & that. It seems that many think the answer will be the same for all/most gals so if the know why they they have what they need to get women seeing it as the right set of operations rather than her being a human being who wants attraction and has preferences. If not that the second most common reason from my experiences is that they tend to think that if they know they why they can guilt/shame/argue you out of it or change and suit you. It seems most go with the former as it seems not too many men can accept no from a woman or see a non as a no they rather see it as a challenge, negotiation, or an obstacle to overcome rather than an answer/refusal.
dasein Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 (edited) Thread = myth. How do I know? Two of the women I dated from OLD, very popular profiles, who showed me hundreds of mails they got. One was getting 50+ per day. 0 men responded with questions after getting the standard "not interested" button. Zero. They both had at least one guy who kept bothering, but that was only after they had been on a date. Then one of the women and I set up an obvious joke profile, got 20-40 emails per day for weeks. All got the not interested button. Once more, 0 pestering follow up. I'm sure it happens, but like most everything else in femworld, they -dramatize- and -dramatize- and -dramatize- a few bad instances into "always." Give it a break. Categorizing a guy who asks "why" as "harrassment" on an anonymous dating site is also unduly melodramatic. Edited April 28, 2012 by dasein 1
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