One year ago today

[BetrayedH]

I left a 3-page letter for my wife in the morning, expressing all of my regrets for making her so unhappy that she had told me three weeks prior of her undecided thoughts of separating. "It might be too late," she had said. She needed to decide and needed me to give her space and time to do it. In my letter, I made numerous promises to lose weight, quit smoking, go to counseling, take more responsibility in the household. I expressed true remorse and guilt over how unhappy I must have made her feel over the last two years. I promised to change. I did everything but beg, although it sure sounds like begging now.

 

Ironically, it is this same morning that I planted a GPS in her car. After three weeks of her being on the fence and me in total shock, I couldn't help but wonder if there was someone else. The sudden change over the last year after a happy marriage - It made no sense.

 

Later that morning, my wife and I met at the school for my son's graduation ceremony. When I saw my wife, she looked beautiful in a dress I always liked. As we sat together as a family, I was overwhelmed with grief. I feared this might be the last time we would be a family. My wife had been so cold, I felt we were nearing the end and I could do nothing to stop it. After the ceremony started, I quietly began to cry and had to excuse myself. I left and went to work.

 

Later that morning, my wife sent me an email asking if I was ok. She was concerned for me. She said she could leave work and come to me but had to go back later for a particular job that had to be done. I explained that she didn't have to come, that I was just briefly overwhelmed at how beautiful she looked in the dress and at how much I wanted to keep our family together. No worries, I would leave work early to get the kids, run to the store, make dinner, take care of homework, and get them to bed. I had known she had to stay late, as had become customary in this new job that made her so happy.

 

Later that afternoon, my wife sent an email to the webmaster of her hotwife website, reassuring him that she would submit another story soon but asking him to change her online alias as her husband was becoming suspicious. I had recently discovered the website in her history but she successfully gaslighted me into thinking she went there to read fantasy. 7 months into reconciling, I would find that email, containing a graphic description of her first encounter with the other man inside my home. But I digress.

 

Instead of completing that important task at work, my wife booked what would be the last (?) of her 60-some hotel stays with the other man for that night and stayed with him there from 10pm til midnight, getting home to me around 1am. I thought nothing of it. It is this late night hotel rendezvous that I would discover three days later via the GPS.

 

Fortunately, I don't think April 28th, 2011 will always be a date I will remember. Until an hour ago when I was triggered by happenstance, it remained entirely possible that the day might pass without notice. No such luck this year. No worries; I have many new ones before me.

Edited April 28, 2012 by BetrayedH

[Bryanp]

Your wife was a real piece of work. I hope you divorced her, got tested for STD's and exposed to the OM's wife. It did not even bother her to bring this OM in your home to have sex with him. She is despicable.

[whichwayisup]

Wow. I'm in total shock and disgusted for all that you had to go through, put up with and come to terms with the woman you *thought* you married. As my friends mom used to say 'what a horses ass!'

 

You are inspirational and a pillar of strength for so many.

[BetrayedH]

Your wife was a real piece of work. I hope you divorced her, got tested for STD's and exposed to the OM's wife. It did not even bother her to bring this OM in your home to have sex with him. She is despicable.

 

Bryan, you have a short memory. I have been around here for some time (since before my Dday actually).

 

On a more humorous note, I'm surprised you didn't ask about me not respecting myself enough, and thus, who would? Or if the tables had been turned, would she be so forgiving as I had been. You really should just cut and paste that stuff. Please understand that I'm just having some fun with you. Your advice is very practical and to the point. I just always find it funny that I could probably write your post for you.

[BetrayedH]

Wow. I'm in total shock and disgusted for all that you had to go through, put up with and come to terms with the woman you *thought* you married. As my friends mom used to say 'what a horses ass!'

 

You are inspirational and a pillar of strength for so many.

 

That comment might just carry me thru the day by itself. Thanks WWIU.

[whichwayisup]

That comment might just carry me thru the day by itself. Thanks WWIU.

 

Anytime. Glad it helped!

[JustJoe]

This is a troll. His story reads like a novella, and he even uses literary pauses in his presentation. Bogus.

[BetrayedH]

This is a troll. His story reads like a novella, and he even uses literary pauses in his presentation. Bogus.

 

Look for my posts under this name or Kidd and you can decide for yourself. Look at the ones from say, a year ago. That would be quite the elaborate troll set-up.

 

I do appreciate your comments on my writing, though. I make an effort.

[JustJoe]

Sorry, but your posts are too dramatic. You are telling a story, not recounting past incidents.

[BetrayedH]

This is a troll. His story reads like a novella, and he even uses literary pauses in his presentation. Bogus.

 

Upon a second read, it does sound a bit over dramatic (like a soap opera). Ugh. Guess the approach of my May 1st Dday antiversary had me overly reflective. The things that all transpired on 4/28 have always astounded me.

 

F_ck it. I'm moving on anyway. Pity party over.

[BetrayedH]

Sorry, but your posts are too dramatic. You are telling a story, not recounting past incidents.

 

Believe what you like. I've fallen for a few trolls and it pissed me off royally, too.

[Steen719]

Where are you in the divorce proceedings? Do you get your kids often? Have they adjusted somewhat?

 

Justjoe.....you need to find Kidd's posts. They are pretty raw, not telling a story like you can a year later.

 

My Dday is coming up...May 24th/30th (depending on how you look at it). I have wondered what it will feel like. I would like to think it will whimper by, but I'm afraid that is asking for too much. Still, when I compare myself to then, I am grateful for some peace and I would guess you probably are, too.

 

Trimmer's post on NH's thread was true. You get past one pain and another one is around the corner waiting for you.

 

We will keep on keeping on, right??

[BetrayedH]

Where are you in the divorce proceedings? Do you get your kids often? Have they adjusted somewhat?

 

Justjoe.....you need to find Kidd's posts. They are pretty raw, not telling a story like you can a year later.

 

My Dday is coming up...May 24th/30th (depending on how you look at it). I have wondered what it will feel like. I would like to think it will whimper by, but I'm afraid that is asking for too much. Still, when I compare myself to then, I am grateful for some peace and I would guess you probably are, too.

 

Trimmer's post on NH's thread was true. You get past one pain and another one is around the corner waiting for you.

 

We will keep on keeping on, right??

 

As for the D, we're haggling. She wants the kids to have a stable home environment during the school week (with her, of course) which would basicslly make me into a weekend Dad. As well, since she would have about 70% custody, I would be paying child support. I'm not buying that. It's like a diuble whammy where you lose your kids AND you pay. I am fighting for 50/50, in which case she is likely to pay as she makes more income and has more of the marital assets in her name.

 

As for the kids, we have managed to share custody quite well in the interim. We basically alternate 4 overnights with 3 overnights each week. We seem to be doing well, exchange info on the kids' health and school work routinely, and so forth.

[Steen719]

Will you live near each other? A friend of mine had 50/50 custody with his wife and they lived in the same school district and fairly close to each other. He had the kids one week and she had them the next. Not ideal, I realize, but actually it worked very well for them and the kids...7 days on and 7 days off. It took some of the confusion out about school work, etc.

 

Glad they are adjusting.

[Wanderer25]

You said you got physical right? Was it shoving around or was there assault? You seem to have a lot of guilt around that incident

[Artie Lang]

even though your marriage is over and are now headed toward divorce, I can't help but wonder how you could miss all the red flags.

 

for example:

 

getting home to me around 1am.

 

unless you're a doctor, policeman, or firefighter there is no reason a spouse should keep these "working" hours.

 

 

like i said, i know you're moving on, but it pains me at the way you handled the situation from the very beginning. I read through your posts, and time and again the posters were trying to open your eyes to the passivity of your reaction to all of this.....even questioning your wife's comittment toward reconciliation, as being "fake." in the end, they were right all along. she waited for the perfect moment to cast you aside.

 

too bad, really. you seem like a good guy.....maybe too good of a guy.

 

in this instance--- "nice guy" did finish last.

 

good luck, anyway.

Edited April 28, 2012 by Artie Lang

[BetrayedH]

Will you live near each other? A friend of mine had 50/50 custody with his wife and they lived in the same school district and fairly close to each other. He had the kids one week and she had them the next. Not ideal, I realize, but actually it worked very well for them and the kids...7 days on and 7 days off. It took some of the confusion out about school work, etc.

 

Glad they are adjusting.

 

I live in an apartment complex right across the road from my old subdivision. We do 4 days and 3 days. The kids are fine and it seems to be working. Wife wants to sell the house. Don't know her intentions after that so it's something we need to also haggle thru in a divorce agreement.

[BetrayedH]

You said you got physical right? Was it shoving around or was there assault? You seem to have a lot of guilt around that incident

 

When she refused to leave the house, I picked her up by the waist and threw her out the front door. I didn't intend for her to fall but she did. It was certainly a mess and yes, I felt guilty. I never intended to hurt her and I think she is still scared of me to this day. Maybe there is something even more disturbing out there that she's afraid I'll find and react to. She acknowledges that her fears are irrational but it doesn't change that it's true. I got into a pre-trial intervention program and my charges will be dismissed in the near future; I have seven class dates left to complete.

[BetrayedH]

even though your marriage is over and are now headed toward divorce, I can't help but wonder how you could miss all the red flags.

 

for example:

 

 

 

unless you're a doctor, policeman, or firefighter there is no reason a spouse should keep these "working" hours.

 

 

like i said, i know you're moving on, but it pains me at the way you handled the situation from the very beginning. I read through your posts, and time and again the posters were trying to open your eyes to the passivity of your reaction to all of this.....even questioning your wife's comittment toward reconciliation, as being "fake." in the end, they were right all along. she waited for the perfect moment to cast you aside.

 

too bad, really. you seem like a good guy.....maybe too good of a guy.

 

in this instance--- "nice guy" did finish last.

 

good luck, anyway.

 

She worked at an entertainmen complex that was always open late and these were the busier times of day. It was a source of strife for our M but completely normal for the job.

 

As for my wife's remorse and my lack of instilling consequences, I still don't think I regret any of the choices I made. The fact is that nothing was going to make her admit to those things I didn't know. Nothing except discovery (which is what happened). I only have two regrets: that I didn't expect the TT (wasn't mentally prepared for it) and that I kept coping by drinking. If I hadn't been drunk, I would have had a controlled reaction instead of a violent one. I just needed my wife to be honest and she would have been forgiven. But you can't "make" people change and she chose not to.

 

Appreciate the well wishes regardless. As for nice guys, the journey isn't over. If anything, I feel liberated from that mess now.

[Wanderer25]

I read the hotwife article and it was disgusting.

 

 

I think you getting physical was her chance to get out. Until then, it(failure of the marriage) was on her for cheating on you . Now it is because you were physical abusive. Doesn't matter it happened when you were drunk on a traumatic D-day 2. It was her out of the relationship.

 

That said, it is indeed sad that you cannot measure/quantify emotional abuse. The physical equivalent of what she did to you is piercing a cork-screw through your heart(D-day) and twisting it yet again on D-day 2. The emotional trauma of such an event is immense. She twisted the whole event around you and you fell for it.

[BetrayedH]

I read the hotwife article and it was disgusting.

 

 

I think you getting physical was her chance to get out. Until then, it(failure of the marriage) was on her for cheating on you . Now it is because you were physical abusive. Doesn't matter it happened when you were drunk on a traumatic D-day 2. It was her out of the relationship.

 

That said, it is indeed sad that you cannot measure/quantify emotional abuse. The physical equivalent of what she did to you is piercing a cork-screw through your heart(D-day) and twisting it yet again on D-day 2. The emotional trauma of such an event is immense. She twisted the whole event around you and you fell for it.

 

I concur that this was her "exit." Doesn't necessarily mean I fell for it. She played the victim card and I can't stop her. I still feel regret for the physical piece simply because no man has an excuse to manhandle his wife. Fortunately, in my state they simply won't care about the violence (since it will be dismissed and I'm not a demonstrable danger to the kids) just as they won't care about her infidelity. We'll land at 50/50.

[findingnemo]

I hate that website. It's full of total crap and I can't imagine a normal human being posting those stories. Your W is a piece of work I tell you.

 

But you are doing quite well. Hopefully the dates will become less painful with time.

 

I like the way you write, by the way. There's enough pain in many stories here without having to deal with bad writing as well.

[Radu]

When she refused to leave the house, I picked her up by the waist and threw her out the front door. I didn't intend for her to fall but she did. It was certainly a mess and yes, I felt guilty. I never intended to hurt her and I think she is still scared of me to this day. Maybe there is something even more disturbing out there that she's afraid I'll find and react to. She acknowledges that her fears are irrational but it doesn't change that it's true. I got into a pre-trial intervention program and my charges will be dismissed in the near future; I have seven class dates left to complete.

 

When you did this, you gave her power over you.

She is not scared of you, especially if you live in the US where laws cater to her, and she knows this.

 

Can someone pls link the hotwife article ?

 

PS: I read that site and i didn't find it fully disgusting. Some of those couples were in it willingly and they were both getting off on it.

Not my cup of tea, but if there was no lying it's fine.

Edited April 29, 2012 by Radu

[BetrayedH]

Your other threads seemed to indicate she was in some kind of executive position (?)

 

Now it sounds like her job was being a barmaid or hostess at a restaurant.

 

Being fooled by the claim of her staying late at work makes sense if she was in food service or worked at a bar. Or maybe a sports arena or stadium. Maybe it's in a casino? Vegas, A.C.? Is she a dealer?

 

On the other hand perhaps if you had been a little more forthcoming about your wife's occupation--as a hostess, barmaid, or server of some kind in an "entertainment complex"--what a euphemism!--you probably would have had a lot more people telling you from early on it was a lost cause.

 

She is middle management at an entertainment complex and on the cusp of brin promoted to a lower level executive position. I won't get any more detailed other than to say she's definitely not in one of the roles you listed. She's a professional and it is simply common for people at her level to occassionally work those hours. While she worked a lot of day shifts, she certainly needed to be visible, available, and provide mgmt coverage for those that worked at night. It's a pointless conversation anyway. It's over and done with and there weren't any overt red flags (none that I would have seen in those days anyway - now everything in life is a damn red flag).

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think some women just wait for you to screw up after DDay, bide time, do the minimum possible..ignore the efforts you make, downplay them, then when you finally mess up (in reaction to something horrible they did of course ie TT) they get to blame it on you and leave, making them feel better. Wonderful...

 

Sorry you remembered your Dday Anniversary I don't even know the date of mine. I shouldn't look it up. I'll probably be thinking about it all October though...that's when everything turned upsidedown for me.