Not sure if the distance is the problem-- Moody boyfriend making relationship hard...

[KismetGirl]

hello all,

 

I'm new to this particular category of the forum. I came to this website long ago when I was in the midst of an affair with a married man when I was much younger, and suffice to say it caused much shame and heart-ache. I thought I'd never find love again at one point-- irrational, but emotions usually aren't very rational I suppose.

 

This post is very long, Im sorry, but I dont know how to be brief sometimes and I wnt to try to get all the relevant background info in. I need help deciding if I am being an overly sensitive woman in this situation, or if I am angry for (as I believe) legit reasons and how to approach them because Im at a loss at this point and don't want to ruin what has otherwise been everything I ever wanted in a relationship up until now.

 

Fastforward and after my affair was over I ended up being introduced to a guy through a mutual friend. He lived far away but used to live in my city. He's foreign/European, from a country that is normally associated with passion, romance, and love and this was a fun bit when we first met. He moved to the states and met my friend, and she introduced us on a whim and we hit it off big time, and started dating even though we lived quite a bit apart. Distance didn't bother me much, though, and we've been together almost two years now without problems regarding distance, though I must admit that perhaps some of our problems and stress have been a result of the distance subconsciously, who knows.

 

We had briefly broken up once, about six months in, and I couldn't tell you what caused that break up. I think he was overwhelmed by the relatinship's progression, and it was literally one of those "you were so wonderful i couldn't imagine i possibly deserved you so in a retarded fit of emotion I broke it off with you." Suffice to say, once he got over that idiocy, we got back together a few weeks later and it seemed to be our relationship was much better off. He said he was miserable those weeks without me. At the time it didn't occur to me much that he never just said "I'm sorry", but I took all the other things he said to be his way of apologising. I've learned over time that being able to say he's sorry is one of his sincere communication issues. I don't know if its a cultural thing or not, but he's never once said the words "I'm sorry" after a fight, despite his acknolwedgement when he's in the wrong. I've told him I'd like to hear him actually apologise once in a while, but it flies over his head. That's just one bit that bothers me.

 

Our problem before, I thought, was communication. He's very....well, he's not good at expressing himself. Whether it is anger, annoyance, sadness, he doesn't tell me anything. He keeps it inside. He's like this with everyone. I made it a big deal when we got back together that he had to make a better effort to communicate with me, as part of our break up was really due to a lot of feelings he kept bottled in, and he sincerely seems like he's tried at times, and then there are other times when it seems like he completely forgets about that promise. I know he's an emotional person inside, but he's really awful at expressing a lot of them out loud. He used to have a drinking problem when he was in his early 20's, but it was short-lived and he stopped within a couple of years. He hasn't touched a drink in over 5 years. I don't have any fear he'll return to drinking actually, I brought it up because I feel that this past problem was one of the signs of his problem with expressing himself. He never used to know how to deal with his emotions....so he drank. Now that he doesn't drink, sometimes I think he's not sure what to do with his feelings, so he just bottles them all until they don't bother him. I realise not everyone is a talker, like me , and some people keep it more bottled than others, but he literally does not talk about hsi feelings with ANYONE. Not me, not his best friend, his family...no one. He probably talks to me more than anyone else, and even that has been a struggle. Sometimes I feel like I'm bringing my work home with me, so to speak, trying to give my own boyfriend some kind of weird therapy and it's annoying.

 

Now, let me just say that I am working in a medical career that is, at this time in my advancement, EXTREMELY busy. Moving to be closer to him is not an option right now because of it, and working 80+ hours a week is nothing out of the ordinary. There are many times that, for this reason, I am sometimes glad that we are long-distance because I don't feel bad about him waiting at home for me to come home after a 14 hour day of working. He was, up until the last month or two, very supportive. Through my bad days and stress, he was always there to listen to me rant. I got cute and loving emails and text messages every day, all day, multiple times a day. We skyped nearly every evening when I got home even if it was late. Love was bursting at the seams. This sickening profession of daily love made all our close friends make fun of us daily in that good-natured way when you can't stand looking at that mushy gushy couple holding hands and kissing all day long. That was pretty much us-- the mushy couple professing our love all day long. The love part, he has no problem discussing. But the bad emotions (stress, anger, annoyance, sadness) he keeps bottled in, and this is where I think I am becoming short of patience and have been wondering what to do the last month or two. While the relationship has, for the last two years, been almost a dream of perfection, the last month or two are seriously ruining it for me sometimes and making me wonder what to do.

 

Now, I am the type who is more verbal, as you will see by my endless posts, so usually , like most men, he's happy to just listen while I do most of the talking. We'd get into a couple arguments here and there but usually I'd try to explain why I was upset and he'd do a better job of communicating with me about it once I reminded him that he promised this was an area of our relationship he would work on. Usually, he would try, if I brought something up. But Im tired of being the one to explain, to bring things up to attention, and make the more proactive effort to see communication issues and bring them to light.

 

Lately, though, I've had way too many thoughts about being angry at him and wondering if we have longevity. For almost two years I've been in a lala land of being in love, and it goes both ways-- i know he loves me, that isn't the question. There is no cheating, no infidelity, none of that. For the first time in a long time I considered someone that I could marry and have a future with, and we spoke about it.

 

The last couple months though, his job has gotten very busy. More than any time in the past that we've been together (he started a new job). I know he's concerned about impressing his new bosses and he warned me that he can get "moody" and withdrawn when he's stressed, but I swear I underestimated the level of crankyness that has ensued. It's to the point that I feel hurt sometimes by it. Texts and emails went from multiple times a day, to barely one or two every few days. Despite the fact that I constantly tell him that I , too, am stressed and busy and really am happy to get even one text a day to brighten my day, he generally either forgets or legitimately thinks his excuse of "im really busy with work" is enough of an excuse to not find one minute in the day to send me a text saying he loves me like he did up until a month or two ago. Last night when I said , again, that i'd really like to hear from him more often (it had been three days with no word, again) my response (via text) was a snappy "i told you i'm busy with work so stop giving me this speech as if i'm sitting here on vacation. You don't know what I've been through the last week." What he's been through??? He's on a work assignment for gods sake-- not being tortured alive. How should I know what he's "been through" if he doesn't tell me anything? And regardless, I'm working 15 hours a day having people of varying levels of insanity spit things , throw things, and god knows what else, and i still find time to send a message saying "i love you." I got so mad last night I didnt know what to say. I could tell he felt bad about his snap because he started asking me how my day was but this crap is too late. This is too common lately-- snapping at me, feeling bad about it, then trying to make up for it by changing the topic and being interested for three minutes. Again, no "im sorry." I dont know if im focusing too much on that, but would it kill him to apologise for once when he's wrong? I don't know.

 

The last time I saw him was a big problem for me and is perhaps why I've been so mad the last week or two in particular. I hadn't seen him in a month, and wasn't supposed to see him till next month. I had gone to visit family for holidays, and on my way back to my city my flight was canceled. The airline gave me the option to connect in another city for free, so I took it as an opportunity to visit my boyfriend for two days by surprise. I called him when I landed and said "hey my flight got rerouted, im stopping by for a couple days, but i forgot the keys to your place so you have to let me in." He didnt say much-- said "oh that's great" and that he'd meet me at his place on his lunch break to let me in. I stood outside his building with my luggage waiting. He shows up. Now, one would imagine after not seeing your girlfriend for a MONTH you would be happy on some level, and even if you're having a busy day and need to rush back to work, that you can take 3.5 seconds to kiss her and say hello. Nope. He grabs my big suitcase without a WORD, no kiss, no hug , no hello, and runs upstairs with it. I run after with my smaller suitcase into his apartment. He puts down my luggage, mumbles "i don't have any food at home you'll have to get yourself something" and runs out blowing me a kiss from the door and a quick "love ya". I was aghast. Stood there like I could not believe that he just acted like that. I text him later to tell him I cant find his spare keys. In his rush he forgot to leave them for me-- this means I cannot leave his apartment. He knows, now, that I have just come off a flight, am probably hungry and tired, and have no food, and can't leave the apartment or Ill be locked out. He knows he won't be home for hours and hours and that he doesnt have time to come all the way to his apartment from work again to give me the keys. Not ONCE do I get a text or call to ask if I am ok, if I am hungry, or to tell me when he will be home so i can maybe time going to get food from outside without being locked out for 8 hours. I sit at his house, alone, from noon until nearly 10 pm at night when he finally gets home from work. He tells me he has a friend's surprise birthday party to go to. No kiss hello, no asking me if I was ok, no asking how i was after not eating all day long. Not that I would have wanted to go after such a day, but he didn't even bother asking if maybe I'd want to go to this party with him. Walks in, changes clothes really quick, puts spare keys on the table, says "ill try not to be home too late", gives me a quick peck on the lips, and leaves again. Was home for maybe two minutes. Again, I sit there, stunned and like I want to cry.

 

Sat alone all night. He comes home around 1 am (again, no text to let me know when he was coming home), and crawls into bed next to me while Im reading. I am surpremely pi**ed off and ignore him. He can probably tell Im angry, and at this point I can tell he is less stressed as its now friday night and he doesnt have to go to work tomorrow all day. There is a significant difference in his mood and attitude when he is not on a work day (he becomes much more friendly and happy), that much I can see, but it is still NOT an excuse for how he's acting. He tried to make small talk when he got home from his friend's birthday party, but not one word of apology. I tell him Im upset about how he acted today, how he couldnt even give me a kiss hello, and he just stares at me which is his usual reaction to an uncomfortable situation. No apology. Not a word. We sat there not saying a word for another two hours, then out of no where despite still being angry he reaches out to hold my hand while he's laying there and tries to hug me. Still angry, I kind of give in a bit and we make love. The rest of the weekend goes like any other weekend together, but I still can't seem to shake my anger about how he acted the first day I got there. Am I holding on to something for no reason? Should I just let it go? He never apologised for being a d**k that day and I think that's why Im hardpressed to forget about it.

 

I am starting to be sick and tired of this. I love him immensely, and I know he loves me, but he honestly cannot or refuses to see how much his fits of moodyness bother me. Everyone has a bad day once in a while, but it is unacceptable to take out your daily work stress on our relationship every single day. It makes me wonder what will happen when we live together. i can't handle living with someone who practically ignores me just because they are in a bad mood from work. He can't seem to understand that work stress is not the end-all of life and he shouldn't let it ruin his day the way he does. If I can contain myself and be sympathetic to his feelings, why can't he be that way to mine? Why do I have to remind him of his promise to communicate and be more kind? Why do I have to ASK for apologies (not that i ever get one)?

 

I understand that you can't change a person. But people can change some of their behaviours for the better. Perhaps he will never be the type who wants to talk about everything that goes through his mind, but that doesn't mean that if I bring something up he can't control his anger and apologise when its called for. He's not a child that he can just stomp his feet and withdraw into some moody, cranky fit because he's had a bad day. Relatinships take compromise and work and communication, and some amount of sacrifice to do things that dont come naturally for the betterment of the other person becaudse you love them. I know he does this a lot, and he's better than he used to be, but he's regressed a bit this last month or two that work has gotten super stressful and that makes me worried for the future and that every time he's under stress I'll have to go through this same bullsh*t.

 

Ive probably left something out but this is long enough for now. Im angry and venting, and in some ways would like to know if anyone out there has a significant other with communication issues like this and how they dealt with it. Perhaps Im not going about it the wrong way, and suffice to say I have a fiery temper of my own that I am trying very hard to hold back a lot of the time because I know it won't help anything, but my nice words aren't helping either and I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I'm in heaven with him, and sometimes I want to just say f**k it.

 

On a side note, when we were together last time, his mood improved tremendously over the weekend when there was no work. Im sure a lot of this DOES have to do with stress from work, but he really need sto learn how to deal with stress better. This is not the way. Everything else about the relationship was and has been great up to this point. I dont know why all of a sudden he's being so idiotic again just because of a job. Our sex life is perfect, attraction is amazing, and we otherwise get along great. I miss his easy-going sillyness from when we first met. I don't know. Sigh.

 

Maybe it's just a bump in the road, maybe it's not. After the hell I went through in that affair years ago, this relationship was unexpected and amazing. I never thought I'd love anyone this much again, let alone who felt the same way. I know the love is there, that isn't the problem. The attraction is there. Everything is there but he doesn't realise how his moods as of late and communication issues when he's moody are affecting me and I don't know how to say it anymore without getting him defensive. All ideas and input (positive!) are welcome. Thanks and sorry for the long post....

[FitChick]

After getting halfway through, I scrolled down and saw that it was an endless post and lost patience. I used to be an editor. Can you summarize each paragraph for us? Give us the gist? That way some people might actually reply.

 

Since it concerns long distance, you might find more sympathy moving this to the Long Distance forum.

Edited April 28, 2012 by FitChick

[KismetGirl]

After getting halfway through, I scrolled down and saw that it was an endless post and lost patience. I used to be an editor. Can you summarize each paragraph for us? Give us the gist? That way some people might actually reply.

 

Since it concerns long distance, you might find more sympathy moving this to the Long Distance forum.

 

I'm not very good with paraphrasing, I didn't realise I was writing for people with such short patience. Sometimes my first post is very long because I'm unsure what to leave out to give a good background. I used to write very long posts on other areas sometimes and got plenty of responses-- apologies. I was very tired and after a long day I ramble sometimes.

 

While we are long distance a lot of the time, my question did not have to do with handling the distance part of the relationship and so maybe my title was misleading. It was a communication-issue question and I thought more people might come across it in this section.

 

Not really sure what to paraphrase right now, maybe I'll have the energy to do it another day. Forget I asked, sorry to have bothered all of you.