Who is this man?

[Doublecover]

5 days ago, in a series of bizarre incidents, I found out my partner of 20 years, father of my 3 children, has been having a long distance affair, with his high-school sweet-heart for 6 years.

 

I am devestated.

 

I found out they had a reunion about 2 years ago, and there was some affair at that time. When I found some text messages between them he freaked out. He begged me to forgive him. Promised me he'd never speak toher again.

 

Shortly after that, he went to work away. he comes home every other weekend. i thought things were going well. He finished that job last week and the plan was that he'd come home for a couple of months before he starts his next one.

 

The next job he's going to flys in and out thorugh her city.

 

He says hes been unhappy for some time. He doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't want to be with her but he doesn't want to be with me either.

 

I want everything back to how it was last wekeend before I knew any of this.

 

I want my family and partner back.

 

I just can't believe he has done this or everytihng I thought was true about my life just isn't anymore.

 

He reassures me, but I don't think I can beleive a word that comes out of his mouth.

 

What should I do? Could he really have just been stringing this woman along for 6 years?

 

I have never felt so sad and overwhelmed and angry in my life. But I don't want him to leave. I want my family.

[SomedayDig]

Double...I'm so sorry you're here with us. My wife had a 5 year affair (married 12 years this summer) and I just found out on 3/6. I know your pain for the betrayal and deception. I understand wondering if the last 6 years of your life wasn't even real. Unfortunately, it wasn't. He was hiding things from you, but in your own words you state that he doesn't want to be with you and that seems like a pretty clear message. You need to ask yourself why this man who has been with you for 20 years all of a sudden wants out. An affair is never about YOU...let's get that straight right now. It's about the selfish behavior of the person committing the act. Until he can sit down with you and tell you absolutely everything about the affair, you cannot trust what he says. Again, though...he said he doesn't want to be with you. Has he filed papers for divorce?

[y2k]

5 days ago, in a series of bizarre incidents, I found out my partner of 20 years, father of my 3 children, has been having a long distance affair, with his high-school sweet-heart for 6 years.

 

I am devestated.

 

I found out they had a reunion about 2 years ago, and there was some affair at that time. When I found some text messages between them he freaked out. He begged me to forgive him. Promised me he'd never speak toher again.

 

Shortly after that, he went to work away. he comes home every other weekend. i thought things were going well. He finished that job last week and the plan was that he'd come home for a couple of months before he starts his next one.

 

The next job he's going to flys in and out thorugh her city.

 

He says hes been unhappy for some time. He doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't want to be with her but he doesn't want to be with me either.

 

I'm so sorry for all of this.

 

I want everything back to how it was last wekeend before I knew any of this.

 

Do you really want that??? Do you really want it to go back to you not knowing he was cheating on you??? Please think this through.

 

I want my family and partner back.

 

You have your children whom, no matter what, are your children. Love and protect them.

 

But please re-think and re-access your feelings for your husband. Do you really think it's worth wanting someone who cheated on you???

 

He reassures me, but I don't think I can beleive a word that comes out of his mouth.

 

What should I do? Could he really have just been stringing this woman along for 6 years?

 

You should begin divorcing NOW. Set up a mature divorce. Handle joint custody of the children, get finances in order, and get a divorce ASAP.

 

If he's so in love with this woman, then let him go. You just worry about yourself and your children. Once you recover and get yourself right, maybe you can find someone else special. But please don't waste your time and life on a man who will only cheat on you. Life is too short.

 

I have never felt so sad and overwhelmed and angry in my life. But I don't want him to leave. I want my family.

 

You should let him leave....in fact, throw him out.

 

You have your family........your children. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that staying with a cheating man is worth it "for the children". It's not worth it. EVERYONE will better in the long run if you begin a MATURE divorce now. Please consider it.

[Furious]

Is the ex-high school girlfriend married? If so her husband should be told and given whatever proof you have.

[Doublecover]

Double...I'm so sorry you're here with us. My wife had a 5 year affair (married 12 years this summer) and I just found out on 3/6. I know your pain for the betrayal and deception. I understand wondering if the last 6 years of your life wasn't even real. Unfortunately, it wasn't. He was hiding things from you, but in your own words you state that he doesn't want to be with you and that seems like a pretty clear message. You need to ask yourself why this man who has been with you for 20 years all of a sudden wants out. An affair is never about YOU...let's get that straight right now. It's about the selfish behavior of the person committing the act. Until he can sit down with you and tell you absolutely everything about the affair, you cannot trust what he says. Again, though...he said he doesn't want to be with you. Has he filed papers for divorce?

 

How do you bear this pain and confusion. Last week he was my partner and we were going to have time together before he started a new job. This week he is a man w ho has been lying to me for at least 6 years. Apparently he visited her 3 or 4 times a year, every year, for 6 eyars. They talked every day onthe phone. he talked to her about our children. He told her there was nothing between us.

 

We have had some problems, but I didn't know they wer ethis bad. I didn't know he didn't want to be with me. he is not demonstrative, but he's never told me about any of this. He has led me to beleive we were going to be OK but all the time tlaking to her and sharing her life with her every day.

 

We never married. In the early years he used to ask me all the time. for some years nothing. In recent years I've been asking him.

 

He wants to stay here and see if we can work it out but still go to his new job, through her city 2 x per month. I dont' know if I can take that. he doesn't have any other options for another job and we do needthe money.

[Doublecover]

I'm so sorry for all of this.

 

 

 

Do you really want that??? Do you really want it to go back to you not knowing he was cheating on you??? Please think this through.

 

 

 

You have your children whom, no matter what, are your children. Love and protect them.

 

But please re-think and re-access your feelings for your husband. Do you really think it's worth wanting someone who cheated on you???

 

 

 

You should begin divorcing NOW. Set up a mature divorce. Handle joint custody of the children, get finances in order, and get a divorce ASAP.

 

If he's so in love with this woman, then let him go. You just worry about yourself and your children. Once you recover and get yourself right, maybe you can find someone else special. But please don't waste your time and life on a man who will only cheat on you. Life is too short.

 

 

 

You should let him leave....in fact, throw him out.

 

You have your family........your children. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that staying with a cheating man is worth it "for the children". It's not worth it. EVERYONE will better in the long run if you begin a MATURE divorce now. Please consider it.

 

I can't imagine my future in any other way than I've always htought about it. With him and me and our kids and grandkids on our property. I don't want to imageine it any other way.

[Doublecover]

Is the ex-high school girlfriend married? If so her husband should be told and given whatever proof you have.

 

She got divorced about a year before they recontacted apparently.

 

What the hell has she been thinking tolerating this for 6 ... count em 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, YEARS????? Could she really have believed we had no relationship?

[y2k]

I can't imagine my future in any other way than I've always htought about it. With him and me and our kids and grandkids on our property. I don't want to imageine it any other way.

 

Then I wish you luck........because you will go through a lot of pain......pain that could have been avoided.

 

I leave a question to ponder.....now that you know he can cheat on you.....how will you feel if 5-6 years from now you get home to a half empty house with a letter saying how he's going off with the love of his life????......you would feel like you wasted the last 5-6 years, because you knew he was capable of doing this, yet you stayed.

 

Don't waste those years.......I seriously suggest you divorce. You can always find love again with a new man if one crosses your path. Your children are always your children regardless of you who are with. Please ponder this!!!

 

Good luck.

[Doublecover]

Is the ex-high school girlfriend married? If so her husband should be told and given whatever proof you have.

 

Then I wish you luck........because you will go through a lot of pain......pain that could have been avoided.

 

I leave a question to ponder.....now that you know he can cheat on you.....how will you feel if 5-6 years from now you get home to a half empty house with a letter saying how he's going off with the love of his life????......you would feel like you wasted the last 5-6 years, because you knew he was capable of doing this, yet you stayed.

 

Don't waste those years.......I seriously suggest you divorce. You can always find love again with a new man if one crosses your path. Your children are always your children regardless of you who are with. Please ponder this!!!

 

Good luck.

 

I don't think I can express enough how much my world has changed in less than a week.

 

A week ago, I was a woman with a family. Today I'm a woman, with 3 children, a man who doesn't know what he wants, but seems to be able to tolerate hanging around here for a while because he doesn't seem to have anywhere else to go (and I spose because I'm not agreeing that we should separate), and I have no idea what my future looks like.

 

I want it to be like I thought it was.

 

I can't just go from being in a lifelong relationship man to divorcing him??? How can you do that???? I don't know how I could even get my head to that place ....

 

I am completely and utterly broken by this. I want him to see how much he has hurt me and MAKE AMENDS but all he wants to do is get me to agree our relationship has been crap for years and now it's time to separate. But then he says something that makes me think he doesn't really want that. he really wants to be with me, but he's so confused.

 

Crap. He's confused??? the inside of my head is on overdrive

 

when does this pain and confusion end. If someone could tell me I can kcik his ar$e out and this agony will be over, I could do it, but I just can't believe that will make the pain go away. He'll go to her and I will be in more pain with the thought of them together.

 

I can't believe this is happening to me or our family.

[Furious]

Six years is a long time, but if you were to actually add up real time they had together, it wouldn't probably add up to less than six months.

 

Sounds like mid-life crisis, he thinks he can be 16 again.

 

Don't beg, be firm, you're a sure back- up if it doesn't work out with the OW, and he is playing you.

 

Either he ends it for sure, or kick his ass out the door.

Unless he see's the consequences for his betrayal he will float back and forth.

[96nole]

Last week he was my partner and we were going to have time together before he started a new job. This week he is a man w ho has been lying to me for at least 6 years. Apparently he visited her 3 or 4 times a year, every year, for 6 eyars. They talked every day onthe phone. he talked to her about our children. He told her there was nothing between us.

 

We have had some problems, but I didn't know they wer ethis bad. I didn't know he didn't want to be with me. he is not demonstrative, but he's never told me about any of this. He has led me to beleive we were going to be OK but all the time tlaking to her and sharing her life with her every day.

 

We never married. In the early years he used to ask me all the time. for some years nothing. In recent years I've been asking him.

 

He wants to stay here and see if we can work it out but still go to his new job, through her city 2 x per month. I dont' know if I can take that. he doesn't have any other options for another job and we do needthe money.

 

Oh Double, I'm so sorry. You are with people who unfortunately understand your pain. 3 months ago I threw my soon to be ex wife out for cheating on me for the second time in 10 months. My divorce proceedings are moving along.

 

"How do you bear this pain and confusion."

One minute at a time. Right now you are in shock. Your world has been turned upside down. 2 days after I threw my ex out I was sitting on a coffee table sobbing so loud that my cat was running around me meowing because she was scared for me.

If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to sob, then sob. You have to let it out. Don't let it build up inside.

 

The first thing I did was call all my friends and family. I told them what is going on. I knew I was going to need all the support I can get. Don't worry about hurting your partner. He wasn't worried about your feelings. You need to help you. You need all the support you can get. I call it circling your wagons. I even reconnected with some friends that now live on the other side of the country. Surround yourself with those you can trust. Do that now. And keep coming here. There are lots of stories similar to yours. Read them and learn from them. But know that you are not alone.

 

You're correct. He has been lying to you for 6 years. He now says he is not sure if he wants to be with you. Tell him to go to her. He is still in a fantasy. Just because he talks to her every day, doesn't mean they know what it would be like to be together. And 2 or 3 times a year doesn't count. That's not everyday living. So throw his ass out and tell him to go to her. He may be back with a new attitude. He may not, but if that's the case, then you don't want him around you anyway. After I threw my wife out the second time, she went to be with her boyfriend, who lives with his mom. Since then she has become a person that I don't want anything to do with. As much as it still hurts, I'm better off without someone who is that nasty to me.

 

None of us knew there were problems so bad that they would cheat. But it doesn't always have to be problems in a marriage. Some people are just that selfish, or cruel, or uncaring, or unhappy with themselves, or just like the thrill of having something secret on the side, that they have affairs.

 

Know it is with him. It's not you. Nobody is perfect in a marriage. If he needed more, then he should have told you. If all these cheaters spent half their time spent hiding the affair on the marriage, the marriage could be better than the affair.

 

If you want this to work out with him. Then tell him he cannot take this job. What's more important, money or your relationship? But if he's not sure if he wants to be with you, then there is nothing you can do at the moment to keep him.

 

Work on you! Contact a counselor. They will help you understand your feelings. Contact a lawyer so you can understand your rights.

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

[seren]

DC, HI, sorry you have had to find a site that deals with Infidelity, but now that you have, LS is the right place for advice and support.

 

I agree that it would be oh so nice to turn the clock back and wake up and find it was all a bad dream, but of course you know that it cannot be and isn't the same and no, your marriage and life will not be the same. You will probably be wondering if all those years meant anything at all and how the hell you could have missed it. Most of us felt this way. Some of us divorced and some of us stayed and reconciled. What works for some will not work for all. Some will say that your relationship cannot recover, some of us are living recovered relationships and while they aren't the same, in some instances they have grown. I am the stayed and happy variety, but not without scars and not without the godawful time of discovery and the years afterwards while I sorted my head out and while he sorted out his too. It will not just magically slot into place.

 

The very first thing is NC (no contact) between them both, total transparency and for him to answer all those questions you need answers too, honestly and for you to listen to what he is saying. I am of the mind that even though we missed the signals and signs, there would have been some issues within the relationship that we made excuses for, work, stress etc etc. Fact is, there is never an excuse for an A, end of.

 

The first thing is, what do you want? what does he want? Stay or go is just too easy a suggestion, not so easy when you have a life together or children. yes, it can be done, I never advocate staying for the children, or finances, or a house, but I do advocate for staying if, after having all the truth and after having a clear idea of what you are up against, that you get to make a choice based upon all that you know and believe possible.

 

Have you someone IRL that can provide you with support? you will need it. First step, NC totally, if she is married, tell her H. Take control and take care. Seren x

[whichwayisup]

I want everything back to how it was last wekeend before I knew any of this.

 

Things will never be the same and you need to grieve that loss. Loss of blind trust/faith in him. He ruined that forever. Sure maybe one day you'll 'trust' him again, but never like you once did before 100% in your heart.

 

He needs to show GENUINE remorse and WANT to work on himself, work with you to gain your faith and trust back. To do counseling on his own and with you. He has to want to fight hard to save the marriage.

 

As painful as this is for you, my suggestion is, get counselling and get a lawyer. Even if you have no intention following through on a divorce (HE doesn't need to know that though) putting it out there and making it seem like you're going on with or without him, focussing on yourself and the kids, will make him stop and think. Realize what he's about to piss/throw away for what? Some 'online' romance full of fantasy/lust/wishful thinking and hoping ego feeds? Their affair is based on such selfishness and in a bubble. Not based on any real life issues. There's no "glue" holding them together, it's all in the heat of the moment.

 

Sorry for your pain, I hope you have a support system near by (family and good friends) to help you through this. Start by telling them (and HIS family too) what is going on.

[Doublecover]

Things will never be the same and you need to grieve that loss. Loss of blind trust/faith in him. He ruined that forever. Sure maybe one day you'll 'trust' him again, but never like you once did before 100% in your heart.

 

He needs to show GENUINE remorse and WANT to work on himself, work with you to gain your faith and trust back. To do counseling on his own and with you. He has to want to fight hard to save the marriage.

 

As painful as this is for you, my suggestion is, get counselling and get a lawyer. Even if you have no intention following through on a divorce (HE doesn't need to know that though) putting it out there and making it seem like you're going on with or without him, focussing on yourself and the kids, will make him stop and think. Realize what he's about to piss/throw away for what? Some 'online' romance full of fantasy/lust/wishful thinking and hoping ego feeds? Their affair is based on such selfishness and in a bubble. Not based on any real life issues. There's no "glue" holding them together, it's all in the heat of the moment.

 

Sorry for your pain, I hope you have a support system near by (family and good friends) to help you through this. Start by telling them (and HIS family too) what is going on.

 

I understand some of his reasons. Our sex life has not been as satisfying for him as he would like. He has lived away for 2 years, only coming back every 2nd or 3rd weekend. Now I think there were some weekends where he could have been here with us, but he was with her.

 

I could have done better, but I've been busy managing our life while he's been off following his dreams ... and carrying on an affair (or possibly affairs).

 

I know you say he has to show real remorse, but I'm only just keeping him here by a thread. He is sorry he got caught. I believe he is very sorry he has hurt me so much. He is worried about the kids. I don't know what he thinks about the other woman. He said it had started to wind down in the past 12 months, and he's only seen her once this year.

 

but she sent me an e-mail that the time she saw him she was with him at the airport until he nearly missed his plane. That was only one month ago. he came home for a week after that trip and he was so distracted and wound up. I thought it was just because of the change in jobs and thigns. I can't bear to think about it.

[Doublecover]

And I know with everything I know myself to be that I SHOULD kick him out right now.

 

But every part of my heart is screaming to hold on to him and never let him out of my sight again.

 

I am so confused.

[findingnemo]

This must be so painful for you, DC. I personally would never see a 6 year long A as a fantasy. It's not possible that a MM can operate under "fog" for that long.

 

I think you should take it one day at a time. Think about what you want and give yourself time to digest what has happened.

[Damia]

Oh Double, I'm so sorry. You are with people who unfortunately understand your pain. 3 months ago I threw my soon to be ex wife out for cheating on me for the second time in 10 months. My divorce proceedings are moving along.

 

"How do you bear this pain and confusion."

One minute at a time. Right now you are in shock. Your world has been turned upside down. 2 days after I threw my ex out I was sitting on a coffee table sobbing so loud that my cat was running around me meowing because she was scared for me.

If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to sob, then sob. You have to let it out. Don't let it build up inside.

 

The first thing I did was call all my friends and family. I told them what is going on. I knew I was going to need all the support I can get. Don't worry about hurting your partner. He wasn't worried about your feelings. You need to help you. You need all the support you can get. I call it circling your wagons. I even reconnected with some friends that now live on the other side of the country. Surround yourself with those you can trust. Do that now. And keep coming here. There are lots of stories similar to yours. Read them and learn from them. But know that you are not alone.

 

You're correct. He has been lying to you for 6 years. He now says he is not sure if he wants to be with you. Tell him to go to her. He is still in a fantasy. Just because he talks to her every day, doesn't mean they know what it would be like to be together. And 2 or 3 times a year doesn't count. That's not everyday living. So throw his ass out and tell him to go to her. He may be back with a new attitude. He may not, but if that's the case, then you don't want him around you anyway. After I threw my wife out the second time, she went to be with her boyfriend, who lives with his mom. Since then she has become a person that I don't want anything to do with. As much as it still hurts, I'm better off without someone who is that nasty to me.

 

None of us knew there were problems so bad that they would cheat. But it doesn't always have to be problems in a marriage. Some people are just that selfish, or cruel, or uncaring, or unhappy with themselves, or just like the thrill of having something secret on the side, that they have affairs.

 

Know it is with him. It's not you. Nobody is perfect in a marriage. If he needed more, then he should have told you. If all these cheaters spent half their time spent hiding the affair on the marriage, the marriage could be better than the affair.

 

If you want this to work out with him. Then tell him he cannot take this job. What's more important, money or your relationship? But if he's not sure if he wants to be with you, then there is nothing you can do at the moment to keep him.

 

Work on you! Contact a counselor. They will help you understand your feelings. Contact a lawyer so you can understand your rights.

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

 

Double cover I feel what you are going thru

The above is such good advice

Take care and be kind to yourself

[beenburned]

Doublecover,

 

Did I read that you and him have never married? But you have 3 kids and a home together?

 

If this is the case, you need to get your financial ducks in a row. Go see a lawyer to find out what your legal rights are in the state you live in.

 

Best of luck, keep us updated as we have been exactly where you are!

[YellowShark]

Here's the deal from what you've written Doublecover:

 

1) 6 years is a really really long time to lie, cheat, and betray. He knows what he was doing, it wasn't a mistake, and he had ample time to end it if he really loved you or felt guilty.

2) your marriage suffered because he was away often.

3) your marriage suffered because he stole all the passion and emotion reserved for you, and was directing it at another woman.

4) don't buy his line "I only saw her a few times in 6 years." I am sure it was much more than that.

5) you have two choices, a) he breaks all contact with the OW and does anything and everything to win you back, b) he continues contact with the OW and this validates to you that he his not willing to fix things.

 

Talk to friends and family. Talk to a therapist. Take some time before you decide what to do. Good luck.

[CarrieT]

My immediately reaction is - what kind of job does he have that necessitates him being away for so much and can THAT change?

 

Obviously, you will never be able to build trust if he is continually away as much as you say.

 

If you want him back and he wants a life with you, I think he needs to make steps towards finding a job that will keep him at home. The more he is away, the more you are going to question what he is doing and who he is with.

 

Until he makes that sort of commitment, I'm afraid you will never really know if he is being true to you or not. The job has given him the ability to cheat and for all you know, the OW believes she had as much of a right to his life as you do. And there may have been others...

 

I am sorry you are going through this, but as others have said, get a lawyer and get your financial ducks in a row. There is no way to go back but for the sake of your children, you need to ensure their future.