EasyHeart Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 So I have this friend (no, really!) who's been seeing a guy for about six weeks. She thinks he's an okay guy, but she doesn't see any long-term romantic potential for a number of reasons, like he lives far away, he's recently divorced with two kids (she's single, never married) and most importantly she doesn't feel much physical attraction towards him. They're both in their 30s. He is chasing her very aggressively. Also, when he takes her out, he always makes a point of taking her to expensive places and doing expensive things. He's also made several comments about how rich he is and keeps offering to buy her things. For instance, they were wandering around at the Mall and went the Apple Store, he tried to buy her an IPad. This was on their second date! Most recently, he asked her to go away for a weekend trip with him. He is going to some sort of convention or something and asked to be his date. She felt very awkward about this, but he pressured her and she finally agreed to go with him, provided he agreed to all her conditions (incl. separate rooms and no chance of sex). She feels really awkward and uncomfortable about all of this. I told her that he's a grownup and knows what he's doing. If he wants to spend money on her, that's his decision and it's fine to take advantage of him if he's stupid enough to use this tactic. I also told her to see if he would buy an iPad for ME!!!! What do you think? As long as she's been clear that she's not going to sleep with him, is it okay for her to go on this trip? And what do you think of men who try to impress women with their money?
zengirl Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 So I have this friend (no, really!) Sure. A friend. who's been seeing a guy for about six weeks. She thinks he's an okay guy, but she doesn't see any long-term romantic potential for a number of reasons, like he lives far away, he's recently divorced with two kids (she's single, never married) and most importantly she doesn't feel much physical attraction towards him. They're both in their 30s. She doesn't want to sleep with him (probably ever) and it's been 6 weeks and she sees no major potential and he does things that make her awkward and uncomfortable. Why is she still seeing him? It sounds like you know your friend well enough to think she's not after the goodies, really -- not that she minds them, but it doesn't sound like they impress or sway her. At any rate, if she's been very clear, and he knows the gig, I think it's fine that she go on the trip if she wants. I just, honestly, don't understand why she'd want to. It sounds awkward and uncomfortable, as you say. What does she want out of it? Obviously not the free iPad if she didn't take it (sounded like she didn't). And what do you think of men who try to impress women with their money? When it was me they were trying to date: They make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. And I generally find them dull, materialistic, and uninspiring. Before I met hubby, many a man tried this tack and none of them got very far. I'd far prefer a great guy who wants to go to hole in the walls and free events around town and makes me laugh and makes me swoon to Mr. Big any day. I tended to shy away from men who liked to spend money on me easily, neither trusting their intentions, nor liking their style. Generally speaking: It's their money and their dating life. Whatever floats their boat. 2
threebyfate Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 If she's not attracted to him, why is she even seeing him? This is something I'll never understand.
wwwjd Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 If she's not attracted to him, why is she even seeing him? This is something I'll never understand. "Backup guy"
Author EasyHeart Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 She doesn't want to sleep with him (probably ever) and it's been 6 weeks and she sees no major potential and he does things that make her awkward and uncomfortable. Why is she still seeing him? I asked the same thing! The answer is (1) He is being very aggressive and not taking 'no' for an answer and (2) she has a hard time saying "no". Basically, she keeps trying to fade away and he won't let her. It sounds like you know your friend well enough to think she's not after the goodies, really -- not that she minds them, but it doesn't sound like they impress or sway her. At any rate, if she's been very clear, and he knows the gig, I think it's fine that she go on the trip if she wants. I just, honestly, don't understand why she'd want to. It sounds awkward and uncomfortable, as you say. That's actually really funny about this situation, because she is one of the most materialistic people I know. She has very strict income requirements for the men she dates. I find it really funny that she's turned off my someone who's throwing money at her, and I wonder if she would feel different if he was better looking. What does she want out of it? Obviously not the free iPad if she didn't take it (sounded like she didn't). I think she would (1) like him to go away or (2) stop being so pushy. The real problem from her side is a lack of assertiveness. But I don't think she should feel guilty about letting him take her out. And obviously, I'm getting all this from her; I've never seen them together. I wonder exactly how clear she's being about not being interested in him.
Author EasyHeart Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 If she's not attracted to him, why is she even seeing him? This is something I'll never understand.Me neither!!! But from what I've gathered from LS, it's not that unusual.
gaius Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 She must not be too uncomfortable with it if she's still seeing him after 6 weeks. Despite wanting to throw up at the sight of him. I think she should go on the trip if she wants to. It's not like she's pretending to be attracted to him, and it's entirely possible he gets pleasure from spoiling her. For now they make a good couple, until one of them grows out of the phase they are in.
wwwjd Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Are you MALE or FEMALE? (silly gender-neutral website) either way I guess: you could play the "Wedge". if he knows you or not, she could start doing more stuff with YOU. to the point of pretending there is more to it. If YOU are actually interested in her, this works as a plus for you because she GETS to spend more time with you, finding out what a great "person" you really are
threebyfate Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Me neither!!! But from what I've gathered from LS, it's not that unusual.It's one thing to date someone you're attracted to who you don't necessarily see long-term potential with since relationships don't have to last forever, and totally another thing to date someone you're not even attracted to, as well as not seeing long-term potential with. Your friend's not a victim of a pushy guy. She's using him. 1
KathyM Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 She's obviously using him for the perks and will eventually break his heart. Poor shmuck doesn't realize he is being used, and thinks he can buy her affections. Women don't respect men who are like that. I guess he will learn the hard way, after spending a ton of money on her. 3
Author EasyHeart Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 She must not be too uncomfortable with it if she's still seeing him after 6 weeks. Despite wanting to throw up at the sight of him. I think she should go on the trip if she wants to. It's not like she's pretending to be attracted to him, and it's entirely possible he gets pleasure from spoiling her. For now they make a good couple, until one of them grows out of the phase they are in.Well, it's not that bad. She just doesn't see any long-term potential with him. I do think she like the attention, though. I think that's why she's playing along with him.
january2011 Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 She feels really awkward and uncomfortable about all of this. I told her that he's a grownup and knows what he's doing. If he wants to spend money on her, that's his decision and it's fine to take advantage of him if he's stupid enough to use this tactic. I also told her to see if he would buy an iPad for ME!!!! What do you think? As long as she's been clear that she's not going to sleep with him, is it okay for her to go on this trip? And what do you think of men who try to impress women with their money? True, he's an adult and (apparently) knows what he's doing. However, her conscience is already telling her that this is not quite right and she's taking advantage of the situation. Personally, I don't think she should continue accepting gifts from him. It's rare that someone will lavish gifts on someone like that without wanting something in return other than to spend time with them. I wouldn't go on this trip - I'd be concerned that I'd find myself in a situation that I couldn't get out of. While I like a guy to be generous (but not too generous), I don't think much of guys who try to impress women with their money - I usually associate it with guilt and the inability to provide love in other ways (usually time). I think gifts were ranked the lowest in my last five love languages test. 1
Author EasyHeart Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 Are you MALE or FEMALE? (silly gender-neutral website) either way I guess: you could play the "Wedge". if he knows you or not, she could start doing more stuff with YOU. to the point of pretending there is more to it. If YOU are actually interested in her, this works as a plus for you because she GETS to spend more time with you, finding out what a great "person" you really areI'm male, she's female and we are not interested in each other romantically.
zengirl Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I asked the same thing! The answer is (1) He is being very aggressive and not taking 'no' for an answer and (2) she has a hard time saying "no". Basically, she keeps trying to fade away and he won't let her. Ah, I get it. My overly assertive mind can make no sense of that, but I see it commonly. I agree with you that she shouldn't feel guilty if he's being aggressive and she's merely going along with it, but it sounds like a 'bummer' dynamic for both of them -- and yes, depends a lot on what signals she's actually giving. If she is materialistic, perhaps she secretly likes that behavior? But I'm not sure why she'd share her general materialism with you and lie about that? People are weird though. If YOU are actually interested in her, this works as a plus for you because she GETS to spend more time with you, finding out what a great "person" you really are EH is a guy, but he has a GF from what I recall - no surprise, he's one of the best male posters on here, despite his zany political views. Anyway this doesn't sound like his style to me anyway, or anyone's who is good at dating style.
Author EasyHeart Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 It's one thing to date someone you're attracted to who you don't necessarily see long-term potential with since relationships don't have to last forever, and totally another thing to date someone you're not even attracted to, as well as not seeing long-term potential with. Your friend's not a victim of a pushy guy. She's using him.And is that a bad thing?
dasein Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Of course she shouldn't go on the trip, how is it ever cool to lead someone on regardless if they are an adult or not? If she has truly made up her mind, she needs to sever ties so this guy can move on to other options. Women respond to money, power and proximity to them, a large chunk of them anyway, including many who will argue forever that they don't. I learned this going to hippie music shows way back. Even in a supposedly "down with conventions" social group, the trust fund hippies were somehow more "sparkly" to even "crunchy granola chicks" than the regular grimy hippies were. Imagine that. Is this guy's MO something I would do or suggest? No, but neither is it reprehensible because... it works. He's just doing what his experience has taught him works, probably has come to the pragmatic realization that he is outside the top 5% of men in attractiveness, so has to fan other plumage (imprinted with B Franklin) to attract women. Just a given reality of dating.
threebyfate Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 And is that a bad thing?This depends on her conscience and value system. If she can sleep at nights while knowingly using another human being, it's her life. But I feel sorry for this guy who's trying very hard to win her affections, using his language of love which is "gifts". 1
zengirl Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 This depends on her conscience and value system. If she can sleep at nights while knowingly using another human being, it's her life. But I feel sorry for this guy who's trying very hard to win her affections, using his language of love which is "gifts". How do you know it's his language of love and that he's actually sincerely invested in the R? One of the things I always disliked about men who tried to spend a lot of $$$ was they seemed uninterested in truly investing in a relationship with anyone.
jobaba Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 What do you think? As long as she's been clear that she's not going to sleep with him, is it okay for her to go on this trip? And what do you think of men who try to impress women with their money? I think he knows what he's doing and has tried to use material things to get women before so I wouldn't say I feel bad for him. As for your friend though, I don't think very highly of her either. Especially considering she's in her 30s.
zengirl Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 How do you know it's his language of love and that he's actually sincerely invested in the R? One of the things I always disliked about men who tried to spend a lot of $$$ was they seemed uninterested in truly investing in a relationship with anyone. To clarify, it only posted half my post. The addition: Which is fine. They just weren't my cuppa. I just find assumptions that he's going to get his heart broken . . . odd. Most guys I know who use money know exactly what they're doing, just as women who use their looks as bait do. That doesn't absolve her of responsibility, befitting her moral compass, etc, but it certain;y doesn't make me feel sorry for him.
threebyfate Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 How do you know it's his language of love and that he's actually sincerely invested in the R? One of the things I always disliked about men who tried to spend a lot of $$$ was they seemed uninterested in truly investing in a relationship with anyone.I don't. But then you also don't know what's going on in the heads of men who have money and you're assuming the lack of investment.
Author EasyHeart Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 Ah, I get it. My overly assertive mind can make no sense of that, but I see it commonly. I agree with you that she shouldn't feel guilty if he's being aggressive and she's merely going along with it, but it sounds like a 'bummer' dynamic for both of them -- and yes, depends a lot on what signals she's actually giving. Yes, that's really the core of her problem. I kept telling her "Next time he calls, just tell him that he's a great guy but you don't want to date him any more." She can't do it. She thinks she is being "nice" and can't understand why he can't "take a hint!" Aaaargh!!!! If she is materialistic, perhaps she secretly likes that behavior? But I'm not sure why she'd share her general materialism with you and lie about that? People are weird though. I've known her for a few years and the materialism conclusion is something I've drawn from her comments about other dates. She, like every woman, claims that she is "extremely low maintenance". She's not!!! I think she mostly likes the attention. She's been in a dry spell and I think she's getting a ego boost from his pursuit. EH is a guy, but he has a GF from what I recall - no surprise, he's one of the best male posters on here, despite his zany political views. Anyway this doesn't sound like his style to me anyway, or anyone's who is good at dating style.Awwww! I'm so glad you can't see me because I'm blushing! BTW, my girlfriend mostly wants to know why I've never taken her to Las Vegas. . . .
Author EasyHeart Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 This depends on her conscience and value system. If she can sleep at nights while knowingly using another human being, it's her life. But I feel sorry for this guy who's trying very hard to win her affections, using his language of love which is "gifts".I can certainly understand that view. It also made me think of something I read on LS a while back. Some women commented that men can never "use women for sex" because it's the woman's choice to have sex. Isn't this kind of the flip side of the same thing? She can't really be "using" him if he's doing it voluntarily.
Author EasyHeart Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 To clarify, it only posted half my post. The addition: Which is fine. They just weren't my cuppa. I just find assumptions that he's going to get his heart broken . . . odd. Most guys I know who use money know exactly what they're doing, just as women who use their looks as bait do. That doesn't absolve her of responsibility, befitting her moral compass, etc, but it certain;y doesn't make me feel sorry for him. But then you also don't know what's going on in the heads of men who have money and you're assuming the lack of investment.This is purely my speculation, but I think this guy just isn't very good at dating. He's recently divorced and hasn't really dated in 15-20 years. I think a lot of us more . . . "experienced" daters don't realize how many amateurs are out there who think this is the kind of thing they're supposed to do.
zengirl Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I don't. But then you also don't know what's going on in the heads of men who have money and you're assuming the lack of investment. This is purely my speculation, but I think this guy just isn't very good at dating. He's recently divorced and hasn't really dated in 15-20 years. I think a lot of us more . . . "experienced" daters don't realize how many amateurs are out there who think this is the kind of thing they're supposed to do. Perhaps. My experience with materialistic men is generally with men who go out on a lot of dates, are fairly attractive, and are younger. The Match.com crowd (which was why I stopped using that site) essentially. Made for a lot of bad first dates with guys who wanted to catch me as a trophy and tell me how women think. With men who are a bit older, and out of the game, I could see it being different.
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