Tabatha Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I am wondering if I should be concerned or have any say about this. Last night, with my suspicions lingering from the night before about the same girl, texting him at 1am in the morning, I straight up asked my boyfriend if he is sexually attracted to this friend. This friend, who I might add, comes over around midnight after she gets off work because she's a server on the weekends. And I work on the weekends usually and am in bed when she is here. He says he is sexually attracted to her and thinks she is a very great looking girl. I asked if has ever thought about sleeping with her (not that he would do it, but I know guys like to "imagine"). He said Yes, he's thought of her in that way. I feel uncomfortable now. I have always been a little uncomfortable about them being around each other because he always use to pick on her in away that a school boy would pick on a girl, just because he likes her. This just makes it worse. Especially since last night he told her everything I said last night about it. I told him that I don't want her over at the apartment anymore, because he just made things more uncomfortable by telling her how I feel about her. We are both on the lease. I feel like I don't have complete say. She claims to not think of him in that way. But when she is fighting with her fiance she always turns to my boyfriend to vent about it. She has tons of girlfriends.
DontWorryBHappy Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 This is not a good situation, and your boyfriend is seriously disrespecting you. I really could not tolerate this if I was in your shoes. Just the fact that your boyfriend told you that he is sexually attracted to her and has thought about sleeping with her would be enough for me to end a relationship. In my view, if a man is really into a girl and really wants to keep her, her feelings are of utmost importance and he will be VERY careful with his words. A man who was considerate of your feelings and who wanted you in his life would not have females over while you are in bed, especially ones he finds attractive. All men will notice other women and find them attractive, but the good ones will still put their girlfriend ahead of any other girl. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is enjoying the opportunity to spend some time alone with this girl while you are sleeping. Ha, if it were me I would get out of bed when the girl arrives and hang out with them just to piss them off. 3
veggirl Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Disaster waiting to happen. Abandon ship... Your BF would be with her in a heartbeat if he had a chance. One night their hang out will go too far, guaranteed. 4
dasein Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 What a schmo your BF is, there's honesty and then there's spilling one's guts and saying cruel things to one's SO. She has to go -now- entirely. Not saying breakup just yet, but she needs to be using her support network of her GFs and others to ply her sexy self on, not your BF.
RiverRunning Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I am wondering if I should be concerned or have any say about this. Last night, with my suspicions lingering from the night before about the same girl, texting him at 1am in the morning, I straight up asked my boyfriend if he is sexually attracted to this friend. This friend, who I might add, comes over around midnight after she gets off work because she's a server on the weekends. And I work on the weekends usually and am in bed when she is here. He says he is sexually attracted to her and thinks she is a very great looking girl. I asked if has ever thought about sleeping with her (not that he would do it, but I know guys like to "imagine"). He said Yes, he's thought of her in that way. I feel uncomfortable now. I have always been a little uncomfortable about them being around each other because he always use to pick on her in away that a school boy would pick on a girl, just because he likes her. This just makes it worse. Especially since last night he told her everything I said last night about it. I told him that I don't want her over at the apartment anymore, because he just made things more uncomfortable by telling her how I feel about her. We are both on the lease. I feel like I don't have complete say. She claims to not think of him in that way. But when she is fighting with her fiance she always turns to my boyfriend to vent about it. She has tons of girlfriends. I've highlighted all the red flags I see. You're very right to be concerned. Any little trouble she has with her boyfriend, she runs to yours for help and consolation. There are barriers, even between friends of the opposite sex, especially when both of them are dating other people. That means that you don't run to your opposite-sex buddy every time you have troubles in your own relationship. If their friendship was like this from the start and you knew about it, you may not have as much say. However, if this is being gradually dumped on you, I think you have the right to demand that his contact with her gets limited. That you would prefer it if they didn't hang out solo, if she didn't come over so late, etc. Unfortunately, if you're not that far in, it may be easier just to bail. This is a time bomb waiting to happen - I agree with the others. 1
Author Tabatha Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 He and I have been together for almost 5 years. I can't just up and bail on him. We are just going to have to communicate better. I know there are red flags. I just have to hope and pray that he never acts upon his "attraction". I love him very much. He has brought me a lot of happiness. He really is a good guy. Maybe I am just overreacting. Maybe I'm not. But to keep bringing it up to him is causing more harm then good. I don't really trust men. Maybe that's my problem. My dad left my sister and I when we were barely 3. MY first stepdad beat my mom infront of us kids. My second step dad molested my sisters and I. My Uncle and Cousin who were a big influence in my life at a time, degrade me. My first boyfriend whom I lost my virginity to, left me two weeks afterwards without saying good bye. In my eyes, some men are not reliable, are abusive, and are liars. And the sad thing is, my boyfriend has never hurt me in these ways, except for this issue with the friend. This attraction may be one sided. In which case, my boyfriend is acting like a typical guy. There is a lot of scenerios. I don't think leaving behind years of progress is worth it over something we can communicate over and come to an understanding. Well, I guess that's me just being Optimistic.
jphcbpa Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Put a tape recorder in the living room where they hang out while you are asleep 2
jphcbpa Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 My dad left my sister and I when we were barely 3. MY first stepdad beat my mom infront of us kids. My second step dad molested my sisters and I. My Uncle and Cousin who were a big influence in my life at a time, degrade me. My first boyfriend whom I lost my virginity to, left me two weeks afterwards without saying good bye. In my eyes, some men are not reliable, are abusive, and are liars. Have you talked with a professional about the sexual abuse you experienced?
Author Tabatha Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 Have you talked with a professional about the sexual abuse you experienced? I've been in contact with a detective over the matter and it has been under investigation since my mom found out about my 16 year old sister being molested by my former step dad when she was 10-11 a few weeks ago. But other than that, No, I haven't told anybody before hand. I was never going to tell. It was too embarassing.
jphcbpa Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I've been in contact with a detective over the matter and it has been under investigation since my mom found out about my 16 year old sister being molested by my former step dad when she was 10-11 a few weeks ago. But other than that, No, I haven't told anybody before hand. I was never going to tell. It was too embarassing. Please I beg you to see a therapist regarding this. You need to heal this wound.
veggirl Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 If their attraction was one-sided, she wouldn't be calling him with her problems and hanging out with him 1 on 1 after midnight. That's totally inappropriate, what does her fiance say about it? How long has this been going on and how often does she come over? Why don't you just tell him that it's not okay to hang out with another girl at 1am and if he values your relationship, you should be included in his friendships. I mean 5 yrs is a LONG time (are you engaged?), he is disrespecting that by hanging out way late at night, alone, with a girl he is admittedly sexually attracted to. Yikes. 4
Imported Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 If this were a guy saying the same thing about his girlfriend, most people would be telling him he lacks confidence in his girlfriend and she might hang out with the other dude, but she choose him. OP, guys don't want to talk to girls about their problems unless he wants to **** her. 1
enigmatic Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 He probably thought he was doing a good thing by being so honest when you asked him about his attracttion to her. Honesty is good in general but he could have worded it in a much better way that would have been considerate of your feelings, but it sounds like that idea didn't even occur to him. He's either a big d-bag or just a clueless idiot. However I wouldn't advise you to leave just yet. You need to put your foot down and tell him you are seriously not comfortable with them being so close, and if he's a decent guy, he will put your feelings above her and keep his distance from her. If he doesn't, you will later regret not having done something about this. I know it's hard to leave a 5 year relationship. I was once in the same boat and my entire world depended on him. When we broke up, I had to move out, find a new job, a new rommate, get a car, etc and it was hard but no matter your situation, please understand you don't HAVE to be with him. 1
Ross MwcFan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Put a tape recorder in the living room where they hang out while you are asleep Or one of those little spy cameras hidden in a pot plant.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I am wondering if I should be concerned or have any say about this. Last night, with my suspicions lingering from the night before about the same girl, texting him at 1am in the morning, I straight up asked my boyfriend if he is sexually attracted to this friend. This friend, who I might add, comes over around midnight after she gets off work because she's a server on the weekends. And I work on the weekends usually and am in bed when she is here. He says he is sexually attracted to her and thinks she is a very great looking girl. I asked if has ever thought about sleeping with her (not that he would do it, but I know guys like to "imagine"). He said Yes, he's thought of her in that way. I feel uncomfortable now. I have always been a little uncomfortable about them being around each other because he always use to pick on her in away that a school boy would pick on a girl, just because he likes her. This just makes it worse. Especially since last night he told her everything I said last night about it. I told him that I don't want her over at the apartment anymore, because he just made things more uncomfortable by telling her how I feel about her. We are both on the lease. I feel like I don't have complete say. She claims to not think of him in that way. But when she is fighting with her fiance she always turns to my boyfriend to vent about it. She has tons of girlfriends. You need to separate two things: A. The only reason your guy keeps that woman in his circles is because he wants to bang her. and B. Women don't have the same (necessity), as they can get mere sex anywhere, and women really can process male 'friends' as 'friends' only (while at the same time the guy wants only to get into her pants). Indeed you should be 'concerned'... and I'm guessing you're going to wait until AFTER your boyfriend bangs this woman to demand that he stop (what might as well be) 'dating' her. (late at night, under your roof, while you're asleep ???? !!!!) The word 'doormat' comes to mind...
Leigh 87 Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Your boyfriend is treating you terribly. There are differntly boundaries in relationships, but it is basically an unsaid thing, that ALL guys that are serious and really into their girlfriends, will not go and get close to a female, much less a super hot one...... Come one - if my boyfriend hung out with a very hot girl who he said he was suoer attracted to, and she rang him in early hours of the morning, and they hung out often, alone..... I would RUN! A guy who is serious about their girlfriend will not act in this way. Please, do youself a favour, and find a guy who really respects you, and does not have eyes for other girls. My boyfriend checks out other girls, that is fine; but what your b/f is dping is seriously wrong.. spending time with attractuve girls, alone.. man:sick:
ohmygoshistalk Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 i know how it feels about when ur bf goes to a girl who has a fight w/her fiance. it happened to me and it hurt a lot. it hasnt been fixed either. is this a normal guy thing?
veggirl Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 i know how it feels about when ur bf goes to a girl who has a fight w/her fiance. it happened to me and it hurt a lot. it hasnt been fixed either. is this a normal guy thing? It's a normal guy thing if the guy isn't truly into his girl at home. Other than that? Nope. Not normal.
Almond_Joy Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 He and I have been together for almost 5 years. I can't just up and bail on him. We are just going to have to communicate better. I know there are red flags. I just have to hope and pray that he never acts upon his "attraction". I love him very much. He has brought me a lot of happiness. He really is a good guy. Maybe I am just overreacting. Maybe I'm not. But to keep bringing it up to him is causing more harm then good. I don't really trust men. Maybe that's my problem. My dad left my sister and I when we were barely 3. MY first stepdad beat my mom infront of us kids. My second step dad molested my sisters and I. My Uncle and Cousin who were a big influence in my life at a time, degrade me. My first boyfriend whom I lost my virginity to, left me two weeks afterwards without saying good bye. In my eyes, some men are not reliable, are abusive, and are liars. And the sad thing is, my boyfrie.nd has never hurt me in these ways, except for this issue with the friend. This attraction may be one sided. In which case, my boyfriend is acting like a typical guy. There is a lot of scenerios. I don't think leaving behind years of progress is worth it over something we can communicate over and come to an understanding. Well, I guess that's me just being Optimistic. Do not second guess your discomfort. Trust your intuition. This situation is making you uncomfortable because it's wrong. It's so easy to assume that because you've been together for a long time, he wouldn't just up and leave. And maybe he wouldn't. But people do change or, as you said, make unwise decisions in an out-of-character moment. That's all it takes. He may get a hair up his butt one day and decide to throw caution to the wind....take advantage of an opportunity when they are alone.....live with that bad choice for months on end and be miserable with guilt in the relationship with you for months. Then you're stressed out, suspicious and unhappy too. That's just a scenario. The message I'm trying to convey is that even the best of people, in the right circumstances, can do something terrible. Why create an opportunity for something bad to happen? It's great that your boyfriend is so honest and straightforward with you. Take advantage of that oppenness by not ignoring or dismissing it as "you overreacting". If your boyfriend's attraction to this woman makes you uncomfortable, she needs to stop coming over late. This shouldn't be up for discussion. I also think it would be better if your boyfriend did not relay your discussions with him about your discomfort to her. This issue's between you and him. Hope to see an update on this situation .
Author Tabatha Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Well, to give an update: he hasn't spoken with her since last weekend, as far as I know, and she definitely hasn't been over. I'm definitely at more at ease about it. I don't want to keep him from his friends but in this case, hopefully this continues.... 1
universeknowsbest Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 This is a difficult thing to deal with in a relationship: one person being attracted to someone outside of the relationship. Personally, I have a hard time believing that we are meant to have sex with only one person for the rest of our lives. I think that if it can be figured out in a healthy mutual agreement you can experiment with having sex with other people and still maintain a beautiful relationship with the person you love. Its completely natural to feel sexual attraction to other people but it doesn't mean anything about his love or attraction to you. Its admirable of him to be honest enough to let you know that he IS attracted to her. That means he respects you enough to let you know. Through my very painful experiences in love I've learned that the only way to love is to love without limitation or attachment. This may be a difficult concept for you to entertain but what if you let him have sex with her? Set up some rules that would make you feel comfortable with the situation. At least this way he doesn't have to sneak around behind your back. Thats why most people cheat, for the cheap thrill of the forbidden. I know you may be insecure about a lot of little things like 'what if he likes sex with her more', 'what if she's better' 'what if he wants to keep doing it'. these are also natural thoughts. But do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly attracted to other people and ends up resenting you or worse cheating on you because he never gets it out of his system? and if he DOES end up liking it more then maybe thats the way the universe intended it. No one anyone does is an action taken personally against you. Thats what it means to love without attachment. Release your insecurities, the universe rewards fearlessness.
nofool4u Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I am wondering if I should be concerned or have any say about this. Last night, with my suspicions lingering from the night before about the same girl, texting him at 1am in the morning, I straight up asked my boyfriend if he is sexually attracted to this friend. This friend, who I might add, comes over around midnight after she gets off work because she's a server on the weekends. And I work on the weekends usually and am in bed when she is here. He says he is sexually attracted to her and thinks she is a very great looking girl. I asked if has ever thought about sleeping with her (not that he would do it, but I know guys like to "imagine"). He said Yes, he's thought of her in that way. I feel uncomfortable now. I have always been a little uncomfortable about them being around each other because he always use to pick on her in away that a school boy would pick on a girl, just because he likes her. This just makes it worse. Especially since last night he told her everything I said last night about it. I told him that I don't want her over at the apartment anymore, because he just made things more uncomfortable by telling her how I feel about her. We are both on the lease. I feel like I don't have complete say. She claims to not think of him in that way. But when she is fighting with her fiance she always turns to my boyfriend to vent about it. She has tons of girlfriends. If you ever thought you wanted to leave him over this, you could always look at him and say: "Whew, thats a load off my mind, because I think your friend Johns is smoking hot and I really want him to strap me on and make me squeal" Bet he wouldn't think that behavior isn't so cool after saying that.
nofool4u Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Well, to give an update: he hasn't spoken with her since last weekend, as far as I know, and she definitely hasn't been over. I'm definitely at more at ease about it. I don't want to keep him from his friends but in this case, hopefully this continues.... Being attracted to and fantasizing about banging her takes her out of the "friend" zone.
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