Yeahsussu Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Oh dear... I don´t know what to do or if I did the right thing. I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. He is really sweet and funny, but he´s too clingy! He wants to be with me the whole time, every day. If he doesn´t see me in a few days he gets annoyed and thinks I hate him. If I just wanna have some time for myself for the evening he gets a bit upset. I´ve been feeling stressed out just cause I feel like I need to be with him the whole time to make him happy. I get home from work and I´m tired, and he immediately sends me a text asking if he can come to my place or if I can come over to his place. I need to breathe! And when I tell him that, he just doesn´t understand. In the beginning I didn´t mind, but now it´s just too much. I had to break it off with him today. It was hard, cause I do like him, but I feel like we´re not on the same page anymore. He likes me a lot, but I started to doubt my feelings for him. Of course I miss him, but at the same time I feel so free now that I have time to be for myself and do what I want! I told him it was just too much, and he kinda understands, he says he wishes I would´ve told him that I still wanted to be with him even though I wanted to do something else.... Does he have low self esteem or does he just need a lot of affection? We weren´t boyfriend or girlfriend, but in his mind we apparently were. He took this really hard and he´s really upset now. I think the bottom line is that I didn´t feel 100% for the guy, if I did, wouldn´t i wanna be with him often then?? Or did I give up too easily? I feel like the worst person ever...
CaliBabe Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Your gut told you that the guy was too clingly. And it sounds like he was. If you are not happy the right thing to do is break it off. Don't question yourself. What you did was right. 1
Mr Scorpio Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 You did what was necessary for your happiness, and that should come first. However, if it were me, and I had been dating someone for 3 months, I would assume that was a committed relationship. In my mind, that would be the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship, and two people would want to spend almost as much time as possible together. At least, thats how it went with my ex and I. 1
Author Yeahsussu Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 Yeah, I know what you´re talking about. If I really liked the guy, wouldn´t I wanna be with him as much as possible then? That´s what it was like with my ex too. I guess the whole clingy thing made him less attractive, or is that too harsh to say? I need my space, but he didn´t really understand why people need that (he´s quite a social person and likes to be around people). I think I´m not totally over my last boyfriend who broke up with me for a bit more than a year ago (it was a really difficult break up..), cause there was a few times I found myself comparing this new guy to my ex... :/ You did what was necessary for your happiness, and that should come first. However, if it were me, and I had been dating someone for 3 months, I would assume that was a committed relationship. In my mind, that would be the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship, and two people would want to spend almost as much time as possible together. At least, thats how it went with my ex and I.
CaliBabe Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I totally agree with you. When a man gets clingly it makes him come off as desparate and therefore less attractive. His stock goes down.
Author Yeahsussu Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 Yeah, you´re right. I just hope I did the right thing. I still have feelings for the guy, but I don´t feel totally in love with him. If we agreed to try again I´m afraid it would end up the same way... And I don´t wanna hurt him more than I already have. I´m a bit angry at myself too. He´s the first guy I´ve dated since the breakup from my ex a year ago. Here I have a guy that likes me and wants to be with me. But instead I run away. He´s got his issues though; he´s not good with money (he buys whatever he wants and has lots of debt, no savings account), he´s been quite a wild boy (although he has calmed down now), he´s had drinking problems, he expects to get what he wants, and today I found out that he´s taking antidepressants.. These are things that kinda makes me unsure of him, is this a guy I wanna spend my life with? I totally agree with you. When a man gets clingly it makes him come off as desparate and therefore less attractive. His stock goes down.
SilverBlueAndGold Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 You did the right thing. It's nice when somebody misses you but what you described is exhausting and not healthy. Go you!
immitable Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Yeah, you´re right. I just hope I did the right thing. I still have feelings for the guy, but I don´t feel totally in love with him. If we agreed to try again I´m afraid it would end up the same way... And I don´t wanna hurt him more than I already have. I´m a bit angry at myself too. He´s the first guy I´ve dated since the breakup from my ex a year ago. Here I have a guy that likes me and wants to be with me. But instead I run away. He´s got his issues though; he´s not good with money (he buys whatever he wants and has lots of debt, no savings account), he´s been quite a wild boy (although he has calmed down now), he´s had drinking problems, he expects to get what he wants, and today I found out that he´s taking antidepressants.. These are things that kinda makes me unsure of him, is this a guy I wanna spend my life with? Painting him black hmmm.... Why did you date him in the first place if the boy was so damaged? Reflect on yourself instead? . Were you emotionally available? (I mean ex issues etc.) Did yo make him feel insecure about the relationship? you said he is outgoing person. 2
gibson Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Painting him black hmmm.... Why did you date him in the first place if the boy was so damaged? She has only dated the guy for 3 months and he is already smothering her. Also, How else is she suppose to know all the things she did without dating him? Ask for a resume, bank statements, medical history, references, etc before going on a date with him? If I dated a female version of him, I would have ended it too. 1
immitable Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 She has only dated the guy for 3 months and he is already smothering her. Also, How else is she suppose to know all the things she did without dating him? Ask for a resume, bank statements, medical history, references, etc before going on a date with him? If I dated a female version of him, I would have ended it too. I have overseen the 3 months thing, my bad, sorry.
Jono85 Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Yeah, I know what you´re talking about. If I really liked the guy, wouldn´t I wanna be with him as much as possible then? That´s what it was like with my ex too. I guess the whole clingy thing made him less attractive, or is that too harsh to say? I need my space, but he didn´t really understand why people need that (he´s quite a social person and likes to be around people). I think I´m not totally over my last boyfriend who broke up with me for a bit more than a year ago (it was a really difficult break up..), cause there was a few times I found myself comparing this new guy to my ex... :/ Time-out people. Seems like a bunch of hypocrits in here condemning the man on the one hand for being too clingy, and smothering her, YET, the OP, and others are saying well with their exes they felt like they wanted to spend a ton of time with them, and it was like that. Pretty unfair if you ask me. The guy was devolping feelings for you, and didn't understand or enjoy that your feelings weren't the same as him and didn't also want to spend more time with him. It sounds like you did the right thing by cutting things off. But I don't understand how you guys can say on the one hand, "well the guy needs to relax, stop smothering, etc etc" and then in the next breath "well i was like that with my ex though, so maybe i just wasn't really feeling it with him". I'm not saying I'm a fan of smothering girls, especially in the dating phase, but it sounds like he was just getting frustrated with the fact that he could sense you didn't feel that strongly towards him. Give the guy a break. 2
gibson Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 (edited) The guy was devolping feelings for you, and didn't understand or enjoy that your feelings weren't the same as him and didn't also want to spend more time with him. So when your "spidey senses" are telling you that the person who you are dating isn't interested in you... you try harder? Counterintuitive, if you ask me. it sounds like he was just getting frustrated with the fact that he could sense you didn't feel that strongly towards him. That's dating for you... Sometimes people date for fun, sometimes people end up not liking you and sometimes they want "more", etc. Give the guy a break. She did... by breaking up with him. Edited April 27, 2012 by gibson
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Oh dear... I don´t know what to do or if I did the right thing. I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. He is really sweet and funny, but he´s too clingy! He wants to be with me the whole time, every day. If he doesn´t see me in a few days he gets annoyed and thinks I hate him. If I just wanna have some time for myself for the evening he gets a bit upset. I´ve been feeling stressed out just cause I feel like I need to be with him the whole time to make him happy. I get home from work and I´m tired, and he immediately sends me a text asking if he can come to my place or if I can come over to his place. I need to breathe! And when I tell him that, he just doesn´t understand. In the beginning I didn´t mind, but now it´s just too much. I had to break it off with him today. It was hard, cause I do like him, but I feel like we´re not on the same page anymore. He likes me a lot, but I started to doubt my feelings for him. Of course I miss him, but at the same time I feel so free now that I have time to be for myself and do what I want! I told him it was just too much, and he kinda understands, he says he wishes I would´ve told him that I still wanted to be with him even though I wanted to do something else.... Does he have low self esteem or does he just need a lot of affection? We weren´t boyfriend or girlfriend, but in his mind we apparently were. He took this really hard and he´s really upset now. I think the bottom line is that I didn´t feel 100% for the guy, if I did, wouldn´t i wanna be with him often then?? Or did I give up too easily? I feel like the worst person ever... Sounds like a needy guy who gets all underpantsy when you don't want to come out and play. Glad you ditched him or it would get worse. Sounds like low self esteem; afraid to be alone kind of thing; wants someone to help fill his time. You don't need that.
Jono85 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 So when your "spidey senses" are telling you that the person who you are dating isn't interested in you... you try harder? Counterintuitive, if you ask me. Did i say that? Obviously that would be silly, not sure why you felt I was insinuating that.. My point here is, why are you guys condemning the guy for "smothering" and making it seem like it's HIS fault, when in fact, girls including the OP admit that with their exes they DID want to hang out all the time. Understand? She clearly just wasn't all that into this guy. 1
gibson Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 My point here is, why are you guys condemning the guy for "smothering" and making it seem like it's HIS fault, when in fact, girls including the OP admit that with their exes they DID want to hang out all the time. Understand? She clearly just wasn't all that into this guy. Okay... She wasn't into him. The full court press / smothering from the first date on and... He´s got his issues though; he´s not good with money (he buys whatever he wants and has lots of debt, no savings account), he´s been quite a wild boy (although he has calmed down now), he´s had drinking problems, he expects to get what he wants, and today I found out that he´s taking antidepressants.. These are things that kinda makes me unsure of him, is this a guy I wanna spend my life with? Probably had something to do with the lack of attraction.
Author Yeahsussu Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 Okay, I feel like I need to clarify some things here. I don´t put the blame on him. I have my own issues I need to work on too. But he being so clingy and needy makes him come off as desperate, and that´s not attractive. It changed my feelings for him, it made me feel like i HAD to see him, not that i WANTED to see him. In the beginning it was all good, when we first started to know each other. But pretty quickly he developed feelings for me and started to be quite needy. But I never reached that page he was on, even though I tried. I was never 100% into the guy, he was more than a friend to me, yes, but when he started talking about being in a commited relationship i got scared. Officially we weren´t together, but when it was just the two of us I guess we were acting as just another couple (we cuddled a lot, had sex...). I wanted to feel more for this guy, cause he´s a good guy, but something´s just missing for me. And that´s why I had to cut it off with him, so I don´t hurt him more than i already have. Yes, he could sense that I wasn´t totally into him. That´s what started this "fight". I haven´t asked if he has low self esteem, but it seems that way. He told me yesterday that if it´s not gonna work out he cuts off all friendship, and I understand that. I can´t force myself being in love with someone, and I´m a bit angry at myself too. Here is a guy that really likes me and wants to be with me, but instead I run away. He took this "break up" really hard, he´s really upset and sad, which makes me feel even worse now. So I need to figure myself out I guess... Okay... She wasn't into him. The full court press / smothering from the first date on and... Probably had something to do with the lack of attraction.
ToyWithMe812 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 She has only dated the guy for 3 months and he is already smothering her. Also, How else is she suppose to know all the things she did without dating him? Ask for a resume, bank statements, medical history, references, etc before going on a date with him? If I dated a female version of him, I would have ended it too. Doubtful. If she was hotter than sin, you could live with it for longer than that, or most dudes could.
ToyWithMe812 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Oh dear... I don´t know what to do or if I did the right thing. I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. He is really sweet and funny, but he´s too clingy! He wants to be with me the whole time, every day. If he doesn´t see me in a few days he gets annoyed and thinks I hate him. If I just wanna have some time for myself for the evening he gets a bit upset. I´ve been feeling stressed out just cause I feel like I need to be with him the whole time to make him happy. I get home from work and I´m tired, and he immediately sends me a text asking if he can come to my place or if I can come over to his place. I need to breathe! And when I tell him that, he just doesn´t understand. In the beginning I didn´t mind, but now it´s just too much. I had to break it off with him today. It was hard, cause I do like him, but I feel like we´re not on the same page anymore. He likes me a lot, but I started to doubt my feelings for him. Of course I miss him, but at the same time I feel so free now that I have time to be for myself and do what I want! I told him it was just too much, and he kinda understands, he says he wishes I would´ve told him that I still wanted to be with him even though I wanted to do something else.... Does he have low self esteem or does he just need a lot of affection? We weren´t boyfriend or girlfriend, but in his mind we apparently were. He took this really hard and he´s really upset now. I think the bottom line is that I didn´t feel 100% for the guy, if I did, wouldn´t i wanna be with him often then?? Or did I give up too easily? I feel like the worst person ever... The dude did not abide, let's not kid ourselves here, but at the same time, your last line of questioning, if you even have to ask that, I think you know the answer. You feel guilty about breaking his hear, but come one, it was three months, no worries.
leoc1973 Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I think the thing here is that you just weren't into him because 3 months in you should be craving to spend a lot of time with him. Think back of past relationships where you were really into someone and they were into you. You probably were with each other non stop. And loved it too! Its like when you meet someone and just click. I was dating a girl that seemed to be way too into me and I felt smothered so I started giving excuses why I couldn't hang out with her. I think she caught on and started playing that little game back to me where she was always unavailable so it made me wanna see her. LOL the human mind is just way too screwed up! But in the end you just weren't that into him. I know what you mean when you say you feel like you had to instead of feeling like you want to. I am actually struggling with that now! But she is just always there in my face UGH!! LOL
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