upmybutt Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I am in such a bad place and never thought I would ever be doing this. I have been married for just over 4 years. Our marriage was always very good, we would always be laughing, we did everything together, had amazing vacations, summers at a cottage, and purchased a lovely house in August last year, then ...... I met someone through a friend and then we became facebook friends. We messaged each other every day, then we began texting. The texts went from "friend" texts to flirting texts. We knew it was getting dangerous and told each other not to carry on and to keep our texts appropriate. A visit had already been planned as she was coming to see her friend, we met up and (I know everyone says this) but it was like a thunderbolt when I saw her. I instantly wanted her. We went to a local bar for a drink before we were heading on to another place to meet up with friends. We left the first bar and hopped in the car to go to the next, she asked for a hug and then it happened, we kissed and we could not stop. We were in the car for over half an hour and didnt want it stop. We met again a couple of days after to discuss what had happened and we both were blown away by how we were feeling. We talked over the next few days and tried to wrap our heads around what was going on. She left her partner as she said she could no longer hide what she was feeling and did not want to hurt her partner any more than she already had. Me, I stayed and then decided I had to move out and be with her. We were together as a couple for a month or so, my wife began to pick herself up and then I wanted her back. I met with my wife and we talked and she said she would take me back. I was not ready to move back in to the house as I still felt in love with the OW but knew I should try and make my marriage work. I moved in to an apartment and had my own space for 6 weeks. I was to end my affair and work on myself. I did not. I carried on my affair which was now easier having my own place and I carried on telling my BS what she wanted to hear. Now, I am moving back in next week. I have told the OW I am moving back and she hates knowing this but is prepared to wait while I go back and "prove to myself and to my BS that this will not work and we cannot get back what we had". I believe I love the OW, we are in love and I know everyone says it is the fog but I dont believe it. I think I went back to my BS as I believed it would be the best/right thing to do but I cannot imagine losing my OW. We have spent so much time together in the last 6 weeks that I have fell more deeply for her. She said she will let me go and move back in as long as I do all I can to get out as soon as I can. My BS and I are going to MC, my heart is not in it. I wake up every day and feel sick. I know I have played both of these people and now I am paying the price. I am consumed with guilt for what I have done, I want to change and move on but I cannot let go of the OW. I do feel physically sick thinking about the lies and deceit I have been able to go through with in the last 6 weeks. I love my BS but I feel that I am in love with my OW. I keep getting told to move back in and hopefully my feelings for the OW will fade but I do not know if that will be possible. I feel that I need her. I cannot concentrate on my work, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. I know I do not deserve any sympathy but I really do not know what to do.
darkmoon Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 who would you throw out of the lifeboat? the lifeboat can only hold two people... 1
SomedayDig Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 It ain't easy being a man, is it? I mean, attractive women giving you attention. Sex is just fabulous. Having all the cake you want. I mean...it can be tiresome. I'm curious, are there unicorns and double rainbows in your fantasy with this OW? You really don't know what to do? Bull. What you need to do is tell your BS what you've done and more importantly what you have NOT done - like actually work on yourself and your marriage. You've lied and deceived your wife even more so now. I can promise you one thing, your OW takes a crap every day. And she picks her nose, too. Wake the f up and man up. Either establish NC with this OW and truly work on your marriage or at least be a real man and tell your wife the truth and leave her so that she can get on with HER life.
Author upmybutt Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 I should have pointed out that we are all women but that should not make a difference. 1
SomedayDig Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Yeah, that little info may have helped my vernacular , however it still remains the same. You STILL owe your wife the opportunity to decide for herself what you've done. With my use of the term "man up"...I'm certain it still applies.
Furious Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Get your ass out of your head. Tell your wife the complete truth and you won't have to make a decision on her behalf, I'm sure she'll make that decision for herself 2
findingnemo Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Since the OW is willing to give you time to figure things put, go NC. Tell her that you need X amount of time to give your M 100% and that it serves no one if you are undecided. Then really work on your M for that amount of time and through MC figure out what you want. The NC will give everybody a chance to sort this out. Also please be open and tell the whole truth in MC. 1
woinlove Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I am in such a bad place and never thought I would ever be doing this. I have been married for just over 4 years. Our marriage was always very good, we would always be laughing, we did everything together, had amazing vacations, summers at a cottage, and purchased a lovely house in August last year, then ...... I met someone through a friend and then we became facebook friends. We messaged each other every day, then we began texting. The texts went from "friend" texts to flirting texts. We knew it was getting dangerous and told each other not to carry on and to keep our texts appropriate. A visit had already been planned as she was coming to see her friend, we met up and (I know everyone says this) but it was like a thunderbolt when I saw her. I instantly wanted her. We went to a local bar for a drink before we were heading on to another place to meet up with friends. We left the first bar and hopped in the car to go to the next, she asked for a hug and then it happened, we kissed and we could not stop. We were in the car for over half an hour and didnt want it stop. We met again a couple of days after to discuss what had happened and we both were blown away by how we were feeling. We talked over the next few days and tried to wrap our heads around what was going on. She left her partner as she said she could no longer hide what she was feeling and did not want to hurt her partner any more than she already had. Me, I stayed and then decided I had to move out and be with her. We were together as a couple for a month or so, my wife began to pick herself up and then I wanted her back. I met with my wife and we talked and she said she would take me back. I was not ready to move back in to the house as I still felt in love with the OW but knew I should try and make my marriage work. I moved in to an apartment and had my own space for 6 weeks. I was to end my affair and work on myself. I did not. I carried on my affair which was now easier having my own place and I carried on telling my BS what she wanted to hear. Now, I am moving back in next week. I have told the OW I am moving back and she hates knowing this but is prepared to wait while I go back and "prove to myself and to my BS that this will not work and we cannot get back what we had". I believe I love the OW, we are in love and I know everyone says it is the fog but I dont believe it. I think I went back to my BS as I believed it would be the best/right thing to do but I cannot imagine losing my OW. We have spent so much time together in the last 6 weeks that I have fell more deeply for her. She said she will let me go and move back in as long as I do all I can to get out as soon as I can. My BS and I are going to MC, my heart is not in it. I wake up every day and feel sick. I know I have played both of these people and now I am paying the price. I am consumed with guilt for what I have done, I want to change and move on but I cannot let go of the OW. I do feel physically sick thinking about the lies and deceit I have been able to go through with in the last 6 weeks. I love my BS but I feel that I am in love with my OW. I keep getting told to move back in and hopefully my feelings for the OW will fade but I do not know if that will be possible. I feel that I need her. I cannot concentrate on my work, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. I know I do not deserve any sympathy but I really do not know what to do. Sounds absolutely awful for everyone involved. Remind yourself that you are living the life you choose. These are your own choices. For now, it seems you would rather live this life of incredibly cruel deceit than live a different life. Some day, you might decide you don't want to live like this anymore. That could be as soon as later today or tomorrow, if you decide. If I were in your shoes, I would come clean to my W telling her what you just wrote here not minimizing the amount of deceit you have carried out. The reason not to minimize it is because you say you love her and it will help her make sense of things later on, to understand the kind of person you have been, and, likely, she will come to understand why being married to a person like that doesn't make sense and she deserves better. Being honest here is also your first step toward being the kind of person who doesn't have to carry guilt and shame, the first step in a long journey. I would then tell the MC about the farce, but ask if you two can have another meeting anyway as a transition and she might have recommendations for IC. I would then tell the OW what you have done and that you have decided you don't want to be that kind of person anymore and you need to figure out why you became that person, and learn how to change so that you can life an authentic life and feel at peace with yourself. I would end things with her while you took that journey, because the two of you created that situation together, only know each other through such a low point in your behavior, and you each have to find you way back to more authentic ground. But, that's just me. You might make different choices, choose a different life. I just go through the steps to give you one possibility which could be a path toward honest, authentic and kind behavior.
jphcbpa Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Get your ass out of your head. Tell your wife the complete truth and you won't have to make a decision on her behalf, I'm sure she'll make that decision for herself This....if you want to give your marriage a real shot. What do you have to lose?
TaraMaiden Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Get your ass out of your head. Tell your wife the complete truth and you won't have to make a decision on her behalf, I'm sure she'll make that decision for herself QFT. Really - no more than this, needs saying, or doing.
YellowShark Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Tough love time. I believe I love the OW, we are in love and I know everyone says it is the fog but I dont believe it. Then be with her. Stop waffling, be a man, and stop wasting her time by "going home." My BS and I are going to MC, my heart is not in it. I wake up every day and feel sick. Then DON'T be with her. Stop waffling, be a man, and stop wasting her time as well. I really do not know what to do. What you need to do is stop waffling and make a decision already. You've already set the wheels in motion by having an affair, leaving your wife, and moving out. So be a man and stop yanking both their chains. Sounds like your heart is with the OW anyways. 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I wish people would read the thread. *sigh*..... the OP is a woman. 3
Looknfoward Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 This is actually pretty easy. If you love OW. Go be with her. But you're soooo selfish that in your mind you're sacrificing yourself by doing the right thing and trying to work things out with BS. Just tell the truth so BS can make their own decision to stay or go. Maybe your afraid BS will leave you and then the feelings for OW will turn out to be fog. If you really truly believed OW was for then you wouldnt even want BS anymore.
SandieBeach Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Tough love time. Then be with her. Stop waffling, be a man, and stop wasting her time by "going home." Then DON'T be with her. Stop waffling, be a man, and stop wasting her time as well. What you need to do is stop waffling and make a decision already. You've already set the wheels in motion by having an affair, leaving your wife, and moving out. So be a man and stop yanking both their chains. Sounds like your heart is with the OW anyways. YellowShark: Upherbutt is a woman 1
SomedayDig Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 YellowShark: Upherbutt is a woman I'm glad she corrected me or this would really be confusing!!
YellowShark Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 (edited) I wish people would read the thread. *sigh*..... the OP is a woman. My bad then. In the OP there is no indication that a woman wrote it. She said "wife" and "married" when referring to her betrayed spouse. 99% of the time wives are married to husbands... Not other wives. ETA: That said I still maintain my advice. Stay with your lesbian lover and let your "wife" have her life back instead of jerking her around. Edited April 28, 2012 by YellowShark 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 no - but it's an indication of how we can miss important points if we flit - and I'm not jumping down your throat, because actually I'm the first to be guilty of that.... i gave someone a wild piece of advice yesterday. Really good. but if I'd just checked the OP's short thread/post history, i would have seen I was talking bovine bum-do's.... I apologise, @Yellowshark - I think it's a lesson to all of us, to just read what people are saying, all the way down...and to be mindful of what we say.... in Italy there's a proverb which states:- "Chi mal' capisce, peggio risponde." (key mahl kapeesh-eh, pedge-oh risp-on-deh.) Which means, "Who understands badly, replies even worse....!" But yes, you are absolutely spot-on with regard to your advice.
YellowShark Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 no - but it's an indication of how we can miss important points if we flit - and I'm not jumping down your throat, because actually I'm the first to be guilty of that.... Oh. No offense taken. I totally missed the "we are all women" post. It's cuz I grew up near power lines. That said I *still* think the OP should "be a man" and make a clear choice already. Unless she is the lipstick part of the lesbian equation. "Chi mal' capisce, peggio risponde." (key mahl kapeesh-eh, pedge-oh risp-on-deh.) Which means, "Who understands badly, replies even worse...." I like the quote. Sure it's not Yiddish?
Stellar Wench Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I am in such a bad place and never thought I would ever be doing this. I have been married for just over 4 years. Our marriage was always very good, we would always be laughing, we did everything together, had amazing vacations, summers at a cottage, and purchased a lovely house in August last year, then ...... I met someone through a friend and then we became facebook friends. We messaged each other every day, then we began texting. The texts went from "friend" texts to flirting texts. We knew it was getting dangerous and told each other not to carry on and to keep our texts appropriate. A visit had already been planned as she was coming to see her friend, we met up and (I know everyone says this) but it was like a thunderbolt when I saw her. I instantly wanted her. We went to a local bar for a drink before we were heading on to another place to meet up with friends. We left the first bar and hopped in the car to go to the next, she asked for a hug and then it happened, we kissed and we could not stop. We were in the car for over half an hour and didnt want it stop. We met again a couple of days after to discuss what had happened and we both were blown away by how we were feeling. We talked over the next few days and tried to wrap our heads around what was going on. She left her partner as she said she could no longer hide what she was feeling and did not want to hurt her partner any more than she already had. Me, I stayed and then decided I had to move out and be with her. We were together as a couple for a month or so, my wife began to pick herself up and then I wanted her back. I met with my wife and we talked and she said she would take me back. I was not ready to move back in to the house as I still felt in love with the OW but knew I should try and make my marriage work. I moved in to an apartment and had my own space for 6 weeks. I was to end my affair and work on myself. I did not. I carried on my affair which was now easier having my own place and I carried on telling my BS what she wanted to hear. Now, I am moving back in next week. I have told the OW I am moving back and she hates knowing this but is prepared to wait while I go back and "prove to myself and to my BS that this will not work and we cannot get back what we had". I believe I love the OW, we are in love and I know everyone says it is the fog but I dont believe it. I think I went back to my BS as I believed it would be the best/right thing to do but I cannot imagine losing my OW. We have spent so much time together in the last 6 weeks that I have fell more deeply for her. She said she will let me go and move back in as long as I do all I can to get out as soon as I can. My BS and I are going to MC, my heart is not in it. I wake up every day and feel sick. I know I have played both of these people and now I am paying the price. I am consumed with guilt for what I have done, I want to change and move on but I cannot let go of the OW. I do feel physically sick thinking about the lies and deceit I have been able to go through with in the last 6 weeks. I love my BS but I feel that I am in love with my OW. I keep getting told to move back in and hopefully my feelings for the OW will fade but I do not know if that will be possible. I feel that I need her. I cannot concentrate on my work, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. I know I do not deserve any sympathy but I really do not know what to do.With your screen name, I gather you are in a lot of pain. May I please inquire exactly what is up your butt? Perhaps it is causing such discomfort to render you incapable of making sound decisions. May I humbly suggest that you extract whatever is up your butt so that you may think more clearly? 1
findingnemo Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 I've been wondering too why anyone would use a name like that? What does it mean? Are you up someone's butt, are they up yours? Is something up...?
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Oh. No offense taken. I totally missed the "we are all women" post. It's cuz I grew up near power lines. Oh, I totally get you.....*sucks thumb* I like the quote. Sure it's not Yiddish? Highly likely, as it happens - my Italian ancestors were certainly Jewish... and I got all my 'famous Italian sayings' from them...
nofool4u Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) Me, I stayed and then decided I had to move out and be with her. We were together as a couple for a month or so, my wife began to pick herself up and then I wanted her back. Didn't want anyone else to have her eh? I met with my wife and we talked and she said she would take me back. I was not ready to move back in to the house as I still felt in love with the OW Then why the hell did you tell your W you wanted back with her? Now your wife is agreeing to take you back while you are still in love with the OW. Nice. Real nice. Is it that you couldn't stand to see her picking herself up, brushing you off her, and possibly the idea of her finding a good man was too much for you to handle? So you had to do something to stop that even though you weren't done with the OW? but knew I should try and make my marriage work. I moved in to an apartment and had my own space for 6 weeks. I was to end my affair and work on myself. I did not. I carried on my affair which was now easier having my own place and I carried on telling my BS what she wanted to hear. Nice, even more mental abuse on top of cheating on her. Now, I am moving back in next week. I have told the OW I am moving back and she hates knowing this but is prepared to wait while I go back and "prove to myself and to my BS that this will not work and we cannot get back what we had". I believe I love the OW Then leave your wife alone to find someone who isn't going to lie to her, play mind games, or cheat on her. Let her find a good woman. You are abusing your wife and she doesn't know it. we are in love and I know everyone says it is the fog but I dont believe it. I think I went back to my BS as I believed it would be the best/right thing to do but I cannot imagine losing my OW. We have spent so much time together in the last 6 weeks that I have fell more deeply for her. She said she will let me go and move back in as long as I do all I can to get out as soon as I can. My BS and I are going to MC, my heart is not in it. I wake up every day and feel sick. I know I have played both of these people and now I am paying the price. I am consumed with guilt for what I have done, I want to change and move on but I cannot let go of the OW. I do feel physically sick thinking about the lies and deceit I have been able to go through with in the last 6 weeks. I love my BS but I feel that I am in love with my OW. I keep getting told to move back in and hopefully my feelings for the OW will fade but I do not know if that will be possible. I feel that I need her. I cannot concentrate on my work, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. I know I do not deserve any sympathy but I really do not know what to do. Easy, set your wife free from the likes of you so she can move on with her life. Then you and the OW can hook up, and when the 7 year itch sets in, one or the both of you will be out looking for the better deal again. Bottom line though, set your wife free. She deserves MUCH better. Edited May 1, 2012 by nofool4u
BigLiam Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Seems like you are being terribly dishonest and insensitive. Selfish, as well. That cannot be good for anyone and is no way to lead your life,IMO.
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