Sunflowerr Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Hey there. Sorry if this is the wrong forum. This seemed the most appropriate, allthough we're not broken up yet it feels that's where it's headed. I'm also sorry for the length I tend to ramble. So a bit of background. Been together with my boyfriend just over 2 years. We got together quite quickly and the relationship has always been fast paced. Moving in together after a few months etc. We have been through some pretty tough times together, had our ups and downs and I guess you could say things have been a bit turbulant sometimes with previous heated arguements and discussions but we love eacother so we always managed to work through things. We've just been through a stressful time at work but everything had worked out. So we have both been snappy here and there over the past few weeks but on the whole things have been great. This takes us to yesterday. I feel so awful about it like looking back my actions make me feel sick. I just don't know where to go here. I have a real issue with being selfish and self absorbed. I do try not to be like that but then I just seem to slip into it. Anyways this big fight arose because I woke my boyfriend up for us to go somewhere together which we planned the night before. He drives I don't. I tried to wake him twice then left it and snappily said to leave it I'll make my own way there. I then carried on with the laundry. He got up and said he wasn't feeling too well and he'd drop me off and then go back to bed. I said I'd be about 30 mins and looking back again snappily that if he wanted to go back to bed to just go there myself. Then he lost it. Both if ys screaming and shouting, Saying how I should have let him sleep. I said some awful things as he did to me. He then started stonewalling me refusing to talk any further. I went back to bed, he went out. I got up hours later and he still refused to talk to me or discuss what happened. This brings us to this morning. I woke up to find him gone. He had been drinking, left his phone and car. I started to worry. He came back after about 30 minutes having gotten something to eat, still not wanting to talk. I tried to get him to talk and it turned into a huge fight again ending with him locking himself in our bedroom to make me go away. I just lost it at this point. I started to kick the door until he opened it. He then went into the living room and locked that door too. After more shouting I went to the bedroom. He has just gone to bed now in the spare room locking the door behind him. I'm so upset and angry at the same time. I hate the person I am that I make someone I love so much so angry. I don't know why I do it. It honestly did not occur to me he would have such an issue with getting up. I just don't know where to go from here. I just want to sort this out. I love him and hate the fighting and uncertainty
Philosoraptor Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 So you had a big fight... it happens to everyone. No one has threatened to end it from what I'm reading... so just chill out. Learn to express yourself better. "In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves." When you start to feel angry ask to take a few minutes apart for the both of you to think so that you can speak without the anger and come to a mutual compromise. I'm reading more than you're speaking though. You write as if you are feeling guilty about wanting to end things and are very unsure of your own desire for a future with this person. So I must ask... is there a part of you that wants this relationship to end?
Author Sunflowerr Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 Thanks for your reply Philosoraptor. I really do not want to end things with him. I feel guilty because of my behaviour. I feel i'm so selfish with everyone in my life. It's like I realise my behaviour, I change it to be less selfish then I just don't notice until something like this fight happens. I guess I just wish I was a better person. I'm going to give him some space and wait until he wants to talk about it so we can talk in a calm manner. We have had rows before and usually I walk away and let him calm down. I just got so angry yesterday.
Philosoraptor Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Well then you are the only one who can make these changes happen. If you're not happy about something regarding yourself then do something about it. Just accept that you made poor decisions in the past and you want to change so that you do not continue to make the same decisions. Keep working at what you'd like to change and you will start to see progress. Just don't expect it to happen overnight and don't beat yourself up too much if you stumble. Just dust yourself off and keep going.
thinman Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 It's a good start that you recognize there's a problem on your end. Relationships take a tumble when people stop trying, so the effort you're putting in to try to mend your self-absorbed ways is an excellent way to keep you guys from hitting the rocks. When you sense tension, try to ease it; be communicative. It's much easier to talk than yell.
CaliBabe Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I do think its a great thing that you realize this is a problem and can admit and own your wrong in this. But if you love this person you should want him to be happy and comfortable. If he's tired, let the poor guy sleep. You don't know what kind of week he's had. He could be drained and instead of having a loving girlfriend to wake up to, he has one that is so mean and screaming at him? Try making him breakfast in bed and waking him up with sex instead of yelling at the poor fella... Just a thought...
Recommended Posts