redrose123 Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I was not perfect in my relationship but there were a lot of faults in my ex yet I still find myself thinking of him. We were going in different directions in our lives. He is very unstable and changes his mind daily about things. He's frugal and never made an effort to see me. He acted almost as if it was an obligation to come see me once a week and take me out. He was mean and would criticize me for being too emotional. He was a selfish lover, he could never last more than a minute and if I would bring it up to him nicely to see if we could work on it, he would say that it was my problem and he lasted long enough to please himself (which really upset me). He told me it was a turn off if I invited myself out with him or tried to come onto him. He was not affectionate and would never surprise me. He rarely ever made an effort to do things that would make me happy. He'd get mad at me for telling him I missed him because he said it made him feel guilty, but we'd only see each other once a week and I would tell him that there wasn't anything wrong with me missing him as that meant I cared. I found out he lied about girls he pursued while we were not together even though we were up front with each other when we got back together about people we had been with and I told him I would not be upset as long as he told me the truth. He always put his job before me. All in all he really messed up my self esteem. Despite all the negative, I find myself constantly thinking about the good times. He was funny, would open doors for me, was talented, and would say the right things usually only after doing something that hurt me though. He always said he loved me more than I could imagine but his actions were not consistent. I don't know what it is I miss about him. I think i deserve better but I have never been in a serious relationship with anyone else and I'm scared that I wont find anyone. He's all I know. How can I shake the feeling that I'll never find better and quit idolizing my ex?
Author redrose123 Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 I also keep thinking about how things were in the beginning when we first got back together. He was really sweet and treated me so good and did so much for me. I don't understand why he eventually changed..
TooNice91 Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Hello. First off, I want to say how much I sympathize, and feel so awful for you. And regardless of your faults, what he did, the emotional abuse, is not right at all. I know it can be tough, especially when its all you know, as you state, but it seems as if first you should do some self-development. When my ex and I broke up, i was a mess as well. He didn't treat me perfect, but I guess I can never say anything bad about him. However, it took months, and its now 1.5 years, and I still miss him every night, but I get over it because I know O'm better off in the long run. Part of you sounds like you deserved it, and that's extremely unfair to you. You've made mistakes too probably in your relationship, but thats NO alibi. Perhaps you need to sit down, find a quiet moment, cry it all out, and brush your shoulders off and say "that's it, time to do me". Do things you've always wanted to do for yourself. Have a dream job? Apply for it. Underqualified? Work towards it. Want to build a garden? Do it. Want to join a gym and kickbox? Do it. Find yourself, become independent and I assure you, you will feel much better about yourself. Then, move on. Date other guys, perhaps online dating or singles mixers. There are better guys out there, you just need to find them. Please do remember, you can't expect anyone to love you, if you cant love yourself. Good luck, and I promise it will get better with time. Just work towards loving yourself, and then get out of your comfort zone and date others! You do deserve to be treated so much better.
TooNice91 Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 You can't just think about the good times. If you ever feel like calling him or texting him, do yourself a favor: take a peice of paper, or type up, a list of everything bad. Tape this to your ceiling right above your bed, and your door. This will constantly remind you about the pain he put you through. Don't reach out to him, if he asks for your help, remember he ended it with you, so its time he forgets about you. Give it some time, let your heart and mind mend.
Mr Scorpio Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 How can I shake the feeling that I'll never find better and quit idolizing my ex? Well, based on the parts of your message that I didn't quote, I would guess that 95% of guys would treat you better than your ex did. So, to shake the feeling, you probably just have to try dating someone else. 1
Author redrose123 Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 Thank you all for your replies. I don't think I deserved it but he always made me feel like I did. I'm just hopeful that there is someone else out there who will treat me better and hopefully I'll be able to trust him. I'm just worried that my ex will find someone else and treat them the way I always wanted him to treat me.
Thatguyintx Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I don't understand why he eventually changed.. I don't think people change in this way. I think they just show another side of themselves. In my last relationship, she was affectionate, caring, and fun for the first few months. Then, she became distant, cold, and depressing. Which person was she, the loving person or the cold person? She was both. I kept hoping she would change back to the loving person, but the reality was she was both. I say this because we get ourselves caught in this cycle of remembering the good and hoping this person will just be that loving person all the time. The reality is they can't. You WILL find someone else who will mesh better with you and will be giving.
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