The past. Should I tell?

[eleanorhurting]

Well I have been dating this person for about a month. I really like him and even though we have had little differences mostly based on my doubts and insecurities, I have managed to get over them and for this past week things have been great. We even managed to talk about how we are not going to get physical without even talking about it. It came up as a joke and everything has been sweet and light and breezy.

 

But of course something had to ruin it.

 

Fred (the guy) mentioned that one of his buddies said something that was uncool about me and that he just ignored him because his friend is an idiot and because he cares about me.

 

Ok uncool is an understantement. This guy brought up the guy who pumped and dumped me last summer (and the reason why I am paranoid about men now) and told Fred that he shouldnt date me that he should just hit and quit it. I found out the whole story when I confronted the 3rd person that was present when this conversation happened. Fred told me like it was no big deal because he had just dismissed what his friend said. He was surprised I was so upset about it because he just thought it was this guy being an idiot. They are not even friends they are acquantances who recently have become drinking buddies.

 

I am so pissed. Why would someone be so low as to do that? I am not even friends with this guy but when I see him I am nice to him. I mean what a hypocrite. I am so seriously hurt and dissapointed in people.

 

Fred tried to get me to calm down and said that he didn't care what this guy said.

 

The thing is that when I told the whole thing to someone else, they told me that they had heard the same thing about me being good for pump and dump from another friend of the guy who pumped and dumped me.

 

So basically this idiot who totally screwed me over has been telling his friends and t hey have been telling their friends and they have spread this horrible rumor about me.

 

now I dont know how much of my past should I disclose to Fred. We jus tstarted dating but if people that know people that know people are going to be spreading rumors and things that are cruel about me, then maybe I should tell him. Maybe I should tell him that I cheated in a past relationship even though that is something that I obviously do not want to disclose now. Maybe I should tell him that I made out with someone who might knwo a friend of a friend of a friend one time abotu 8 months ago.

 

Its not fair. I keep trying to put my "baggage" and my past behind and somehow people who cant even mind their own business wont let me.

[january2011]

If he asks, and you trust him, tell him and be open to answering any questions. If not, there is no need to pour the entire contents of your relationship history into his lap.

 

His friend is a jerk. I suggest Fred finds a new drinking buddy.

[eleanorhurting]

If he asks, and you trust him, tell him and be open to answering any questions. If not, there is no need to pour the entire contents of your relationship history into his lap.

 

His friend is a jerk. I suggest Fred finds a new drinking buddy.

 

I think so too.

 

He asked me why my last serious relationship ended (before the pump a dump, a year and a half ago) and I told him that we both made a lot of mistakes but that I learned from mine and that they are in the past. He never inquired about specifics. I just didnt feel like it was the right moment to bring something like that up. Its so early.

 

But he did know about pump and dump guy.

[january2011]

I normally advocate complete honesty. However, you can't turn back the clock now.

 

Keep your head down, hope that Fred tells this guy to back off the next time he decides to whisper in Fred's ear and just let it pass.

 

If Fred is a decent guy, he'll be supportive because he cares about you, even if he doesn't quite understand, and he won't let the rumours affect what he's sees with his own eyes.

[dasein]

No need to go into needless extra disclosure, it sounds like your BF is not shaken by the other guy's bad manners. None of anyone's business whom you have slept with in the past so long as you treat people consistently. Your BF doesn't sound as if he needs this kind of knowledge, so leave it be unless he asks you specifically.

[DjinnAgain]

I would not tell him unless he asked. If you need to, tell him that there are things in your past you are not proud of and you don't feel are indicitive of who you are now. Let him ask if he wants the details. Many will not, either because they know they will overreact to it or they truly do not care.

 

 

 

 

I, for one, am hesitant of those who cannot believe that people make mistakes and become better people who make better choices, because all this really says is that they do not learn from their mistakes and are incapable of change. And who do you want to be around?

 

Sounds like your boyfriend handled this all right so far.

I also agree the other guy is a toad. Your boyfriend probably realizes this.

[eleanorhurting]

I would not tell him unless he asked. If you need to, tell him that there are things in your past you are not proud of and you don't feel are indicitive of who you are now. Let him ask if he wants the details. Many will not, either because they know they will overreact to it or they truly do not care.

 

 

 

 

I, for one, am hesitant of those who cannot believe that people make mistakes and become better people who make better choices, because all this really says is that they do not learn from their mistakes and are incapable of change. And who do you want to be around?

 

Sounds like your boyfriend handled this all right so far.

I also agree the other guy is a toad. Your boyfriend probably realizes this.

 

Yeah I was surprised at how well he handled it too. Although part of me honestly wishes he had not told me. But at the same time I know who I can trust now and who pretends to be nice to my face and then stabs me in the back when im not around.

 

Thats cute that you called him my boyfriend I don't call him my boyfriend yet.

[DjinnAgain]

Yeah I was surprised at how well he handled it too. Although part of me honestly wishes he had not told me. But at the same time I know who I can trust now and who pretends to be nice to my face and then stabs me in the back when im not around.

 

Thats cute that you called him my boyfriend I don't call him my boyfriend yet.

 

Excuse me. Your Fred, then.

[thatone]

why are you hanging around with the friends of a guy from your past you're not happy with?

 

how old are you? this sounds like high school/college drama to me, with people dating each other in the same circle of friends. i was under the impression that you were a bit past that age.

 

if so, go out and meet new people, imo. i can't think of any reason to stay in contact with friends of exes, much less date one. but maybe that's just me...

[eleanorhurting]

i dont hang with this person who is a friend of the ex.

[EasyHeart]

Fred seems to be handling this just fine. If he doesn't care, why do you?

 

You can't control what other people say or do, all you can control is how you respond. By getting upset, you're rewarding idiot-guy and making him (and anyone he talks to) feel that they must be right or you wouldn't get upset.

 

Fred isn't worried, so neither should you. There's no need to give him a detailed "explanation" after a month of dating. Once you get to know him, it might come up organically, but again if he doesn't care then you shouldn't either.

[RedRobin]

Couple of things...

 

First, men who 'pump and dump' are the low-lifes... not the women they sleep with.

 

Second, you can protect yourself from the 'pump and dumpers' by getting to know them first.

 

Third, this circle of 'friends' seems a little too tight. Not sure why 'Fred' is in a position to have such intimate discussions with someone you dated before. If it were me, I'd be cooling things down with 'Fred' until I learned why he would be such good friends with a scumbag like said 'pump and dumper' above.

 

If you are already sleeping with him (Fred)... you are taking some risks, IMHO. If you aren't, then good. He's got some hurdles to jump too, looks like.

 

What I see is you running around with a guilt complex over your past behavior that keeps you getting involved with jerks to somehow 'punish' yourself.

 

You did your time with the ex... the person you hurt. You confessed. You tried to make things better. You managed a bad choice with more character than alot of people I know. You can move forward and make better choices in the future.

 

I recommend that you find a way to forgive yourself before starting to date again or getting serious with someone. If that means finding a new circle of friends who won't be constantly beating you up or finding ways to dig in, then so be it.

 

If, after some time, you find that you can trust Fred, then yes, I think this is pertinent information.... But you must forgive yourself first. You don't deserve to pay for this the rest of your life. You don't need to be a target, nor do you need to open yourself up to jerks who will just use your disclosures against you.

[RedRobin]

...never forget, OP... you have things to check out about 'Fred' too. Don't let your past bad choices sway you into being so introspective that you forget that he probably has things he's hiding too.. or things he's not happy about. Things that YOU need to be aware of too, so you can avoid being taken advantage of like "toad boy".

[xxoo]

Is Fred pretty young?

 

Telling you that his idiot friend said things about you is unnecessary. If he thinks his friend is an idiot, and he is going to ignore him, why tell you about it?

 

Take heart, these are problems of youth, likely rooted in jealousy and insecurity. When everyone grows up a bit, no one is going to care that so-and-so slept with so-and-so. And when Fred grows up a bit, he isn't going to listen to friends talking crap, much less concern his new girl with the rantings of his idiot friend.

 

And you won't care so much, either. The rantings of an idiot guy? Some guy who played you to get in your pants? These guys are NOT worth a moment of your concern, or an ounce of your self-confidence. You have acted with integrity. You hold your head high.

 

More practical advice--answer his questions if he brings it up. Otherwise, don't worry about it!

[eleanorhurting]

Fred is not friends with the person who pumped and dumped me. he has recently been hanging out with someone who is friends with the guy who pumped and dumped. and the way this guy is twisting it around is that i was the one who is horny and just likes to have sex with men which is completely the opposite of what happened

[eleanorhurting]

oh and to answer your questions: he is 26 and no we have not had sex.

[eleanorhurting]

Couple of things...

 

First, men who 'pump and dump' are the low-lifes... not the women they sleep with.

 

Second, you can protect yourself from the 'pump and dumpers' by getting to know them first.

 

Third, this circle of 'friends' seems a little too tight. Not sure why 'Fred' is in a position to have such intimate discussions with someone you dated before. If it were me, I'd be cooling things down with 'Fred' until I learned why he would be such good friends with a scumbag like said 'pump and dumper' above.

 

If you are already sleeping with him (Fred)... you are taking some risks, IMHO. If you aren't, then good. He's got some hurdles to jump too, looks like.

 

What I see is you running around with a guilt complex over your past behavior that keeps you getting involved with jerks to somehow 'punish' yourself.

 

You did your time with the ex... the person you hurt. You confessed. You tried to make things better. You managed a bad choice with more character than alot of people I know. You can move forward and make better choices in the future.

 

I recommend that you find a way to forgive yourself before starting to date again or getting serious with someone. If that means finding a new circle of friends who won't be constantly beating you up or finding ways to dig in, then so be it.

 

If, after some time, you find that you can trust Fred, then yes, I think this is pertinent information.... But you must forgive yourself first. You don't deserve to pay for this the rest of your life. You don't need to be a target, nor do you need to open yourself up to jerks who will just use your disclosures against you.

 

 

sorry i couldnt reply thoroughly earlier. I was on my phone.

 

So to clear things up, Fred is not a friend of the guy who pumped and dumped. He has recently become closer with this guy who is a friend of the guy who pumped and dumped. But they were not even friends before. They are taking a course together and have become drinking buddies because this course is in the same location. I cant wait for this course to be over so the loser no longer has an excuse to be in his life.

 

Second, I think your post is spot on about how I have had a hard time forgiving myself for the ex I cheated on and I do believe that I allowed the pump and dump situation to happen because I was still beating myself up other that.

 

But I feel like I have learned and I have changed. I am trying to make good choices. But I feel like its been so impossible to move on when things like this happen. I really wish I could absolutely not be hurt by people's hurtful comments about things that they have no idea about.

 

And yes, I plan to eventually tell Fred about the cheating but I don't feel like its the right moment. It if it were up to me, I wish I could leave it at "I made a mistake that I am not proud of" and that he would just let it go. We'll see what happens.

 

And yes I feel like I have been with the same people for the last 8 years I am so tired of it I can't wait to move.

[TheFinalWord]

And yes I feel like I have been with the same people for the last 8 years I am so tired of it I can't wait to move.

 

I can imagine!

 

I have been in a weird situation during my entire program. I can't wait to start somewhere fresh

 

As far as the new friend, just me, but I would not tolerate some guy talking trash about my girl! I don't know your boyfriend at all, and I trust your judgement, but I think the fact he hangs around a guy that talks bad about you is kinda lame. I would punch that trash talking fool the mouth! j/k

 

Past is the past. You can't change it, only grow from it. You don't owe your new boyfriend an in-depth explanation about past mistakes right now. Main thing is just have fun getting to know each other

[eleanorhurting]

I can imagine!

 

I have been in a weird situation during my entire program. I can't wait to start somewhere fresh

 

As far as the new friend, just me, but I would not tolerate some guy talking trash about my girl! I don't know your boyfriend at all, and I trust your judgement, but I think the fact he hangs around a guy that talks bad about you is kinda lame. I would punch that trash talking fool the mouth! j/k

 

Past is the past. You can't change it, only grow from it. You don't owe your new boyfriend an in-depth explanation about past mistakes right now. Main thing is just have fun getting to know each other

 

I cant stand this guy! hes horrible i wish i could just zap his existence off the planet. Fred doesn't even drink that much and whenever they go out he ends up getting hammered.

[RedRobin]

I cant stand this guy! hes horrible i wish i could just zap his existence off the planet. Fred doesn't even drink that much and whenever they go out he ends up getting hammered.

 

Please don't gloss over Fred's part in this. I don't want to see you get hurt again.

 

He chooses to 'get hammered'. He chooses to listen to gossip (to the extent that he felt the need to dump this info on you). He chooses to continue to associate with this other guy.

 

I'd say he hasn't earned your trust yet. I don't think 'Fred' is a bad guy. I think you should be a bit wary... If it were me, I'd be stepping back a bit until he distances himself from a-hole voluntarily.

 

If he doesn't then, well, he shows what his priorities are. You don't deserve this.

[Feelsgoodman]

Reading between the lines, especially the part about you cheating, makes it clear that you are not exactly an angel yourself. I don't know what "rumors" are being spread about you, but if you have a bad reputation people will talk about it.

[xxoo]

I cant stand this guy! hes horrible i wish i could just zap his existence off the planet. Fred doesn't even drink that much and whenever they go out he ends up getting hammered.

 

Be clear here. Fred is a 26 year old man who chooses to get hammered with this guy who talks crap about you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well the fact that you got really upset turned it into something that he might just have ignored to something now that will constantly be on his mind, especially since there is tension/conflict between you and this guy who spilled the beans about your past.

 

The fact that your past is so out in the open that people talk about it means you're already developing a reputation in this "social circle" of yours, you're probably being tagged "the pump and dump" girl or something like that...even It just happened once it doesn't matter, and it doesn't matter that he did this to you and you couldn't control the fact that he did, nobody cares about those details really...even though they say it likes it makes a difference, it really doesn't.

 

I think Fred is going to stick around until you guys are intimate but I anticipate him pulling away... I mean who wants to be with a girl with a reputation that goes around so easily? It's not the most exciting title to be the guy with the "pump and dump" girl.

 

I'm just being honest here on how people typically act, IF they were of a higher character then these people wouldn't have spread rumors about you and this Fred wouldn't continue to go out drinking with this guy who's talking crap about you...he'd at least separate himself from that.

 

However since you've guys already had your problems in a month it doesn't seem like something that has the best potential for the long-term, I'd like to say I can see some positives out of this but I think this guy who told Fred ruined it for you...and the actions of Fred are not distinguishing his character from the people he hangs out with...therefore guilty by association...after all, do people really enjoy hanging out with people that much different than they are? I for one cannot at least.

 

Hopefully you're continuing to work on yourself, hate to say it but it seems like your choices of men seem to be of the same circle/breed...which really isn't helping you any...that's If these men are even capable of helping you with your own issues to begin with...which let's be realistic...are not.

 

Bottom line: I doubt Fred interest is going to be able to progress beyond a threshold for you...the rumors are just too close to home, these things have an impact on a mans mind, and unless he's a really "nice" guy, I can't imagine that rubbing him the right way...you can tell me he said he was ok with this until your face turns blue, but that's just not how men work from my experience.

Edited April 28, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[Necris]

Why are so upset? Is the guy lying by saying you cheated? If he's not its just information about your past sure you don't like it but it happened.

[eleanorhurting]

Why are so upset? Is the guy lying by saying you cheated? If he's not its just information about your past sure you don't like it but it happened.

 

 

No. The cheating part is what I have not told him.

 

The part that someone told him is the part about me dating someone who pumped and dumped me and him telling Fred that that is what I am good for.

 

Yes I have made mistakes in the past but they are in the past. I am trying so desperately to be different but it seems like the past just keeps following you.