Breck Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I am 32. She is 31. We met each other through mutual friends and spoke off and on for a couple months. The relationship moved really fast. I have a reputation with our friends of being a 'dater'. About 1 month in she started becoming emotional about us (scared we will not work out because a number of reasons). Example: I travel for work and she's afraid something might happen to me while I'm away. I enjoy sports. She's afraid that she doesn't fit in with my enthusiasm for sports or my sports friends. She's affraid that she is just the next woman I date. I come from a wealthy upbringing, she is insecure about being in debt and coming from a different upbringing. I could care less about our differences. I just want to be with her. After a month she starts to pull back and says she wants to slow down. I agreed with her because I wanted her to relax. The next three weeks she pulls back to the point where we aren't affectionate and are hardly flirting anymore. After three weeks she says 'we need to talk'. Tells me she doesn't feel good about us and that we should end the relationship before anyone gets hurt. At this point I am hurt because I genuinely have strong emotions towards her and we have an amazing amount of similarities. We have been broken up for a week. We broke up on good terms but haven't spoken since. We have mutual friends, so I know we will see each other again. I'm sure she was preparing to break up the final 2 weeks of the relationship, so my feelings are definitely ahead of hers. I want to start over and take it slow as it was an amazing relationship. I don't know how to approach any of this. Do I go NC? Do I go LC? I don't want to put myself in the 'friend zone'. Do I give us time and eventually contact her? Is it better to contact her right away?
Million.to.1 Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 She said she doesn't want a relationship with you. She feels like she is not good enough for whatever reasons and is trying to stop herself getting attached to someone who she feels will eventually break her heart. Maybe she knows that she could fall in love with you, but doesn't see that a happy future.. only the potential problems that could end it. It's a self defense mechanism, and comes from a deep fear of rejection and has probably happened to her before. This is not your problem, this is her issue. There isn't much you can do about it unfortunately. These insecurities will keep arising within a relationship anyway regardless of the reassurance you dish out... ....and sooner or later you WILL get sick of it and you WILL lose interest and then you will break her heart. It's kind of a self fulfilling prophesy for her.
Million.to.1 Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Also.. because of her age, I would say she would be avoiding get emotionally involved with someone who is a serial dater. I know that personally, I'm thinking about the next 5 years, babies etc, as time is ticking, and i don't want a waste months or years in a relationship that i know is going nowhere. If I am going to have a family, I need to be dating people who are also heading in this direction.
Author Breck Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 I appreciate the replies. Even if we never get back together, I'm not sure that I can live with myself for not telling her that I want to give us another chance or taking the steps to allow for a second chance. I've always been someone that goes after what I want. I'm still wrestling with waiting for her to contact me or whether or not to go LC? I doubt she will ever contact me again because she is probably relieved that she didn't get her heart broken. I feel as though enough time has passed where I can contact her or see her without becoming emotional. Still trying to decide whether or not to go LC and take it slow or whether to wait for her to figure herself out or what.
Chi townD Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 okay....so dating two months....well, she started pulling away from the relationship a few weeks before the break up, so technically only dating seriously for 1.5 months and you want to know what to do?.....okay. Buy a snickers bar? I mean, I not trying to take away from your feelings on the situation. But lets be real, you couldn't have grown THAT attached to her. If she wants to end it, then that's her problem. I have a feeling that you're looking for more solid answers as to WHY she wants to end it considering that you both have equalities in each other that you've enjoyed and her reasons were kind of weak. Personally, I feel that she has a lot of insecurities that have been stressing her out. That she got screwed over pretty hard in a past relationship and she afraid to get too close to anyone. SHe felt herself getting closer to you and she started doubting you and the relationship. Her mind was sabotaging the relationship convincing herslf that you were a player and she would only end up another notch in the bed post. Again, that's something she has to work through. Nothing you can do about it, accept talk to her. Share your feeling on the matter. Try to get some REAL answers. But, if she unwilling or unable to address these issues and communicate with you.....her loss!
Author Breck Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 I really don't have many experiences being dumped. Is it normal to contact an ex after a break-up and ask how they are doing? or to still talk? Anytime I have broken up with someone they either disappear or try to convince me to change my mind. I'm not sure how to initiate a conversation about the break-up. I hate having a conversation that feels like I need answers or closure. I would rather talk about those things down the road. I just feel like we should talk as though we didn't break up and slow it down so she can know me better (that I am a man worth trusting).
Author Breck Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 (edited) Maybe I am answering my previous post but now I'm really confused. We have been talking again and she is inviting me to do things together. She even asked if I want to be the fourth member of her trivia team for trivia night at a bar we used to go to. That's a weekly commitment. Is she softening the breakup? Are we destined to just become friends? She knows I was hurt by the breakup. Edited April 29, 2012 by Breck
Author Breck Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 I'm realizing that if I see her each week, I will always be on the hook (never move on). I don't want to move on, but it is challenging to be patient when you are on the hook. Any advice from a woman's perspective?
writergal Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I'm realizing that if I see her each week, I will always be on the hook (never move on). I don't want to move on, but it is challenging to be patient when you are on the hook. Any advice from a woman's perspective? As a known serial dater, didn't you ever keep a woman on the hook before - as a backup plan? That's exactly what this young woman is doing to you. You're her Plan B now. I think she is softening up the break-up by inviting you out. She could be "friend-zoning" you by inviting you to join her and friends for weekly trivia. If she wanted to jump back in to date you, she'd tell you. If this really bothers you, then you have nothing to lose by just being honest with her. Guys think that by inaction and silence they avoid conflict, when in reality it creates confusion for both people and can cause resentment. Just talk to her and see what happens. You have nothing more to lose at this point and what you gain is clarity...which is your goal...isn't it?
Melbufama Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I would say deleted her number, all forms of contact, and date other women. Women are never going to tell you the exact reason for a break up. Dont be someones plan B especiall after 2 months of dating. Theres 1% that you might get together again, but u look at the 10% chance of new and better woman. That 1% looks like a crazy decision.
Author Breck Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 If this really bothers you, then you have nothing to lose by just being honest with her. Guys think that by inaction and silence they avoid conflict, when in reality it creates confusion for both people and can cause resentment. Just talk to her and see what happens. You have nothing more to lose at this point and what you gain is clarity...which is your goal...isn't it? We spoke last week and she cried. Told me she can't be in a relationship where she is expected to live up to a certain standard. Hurts too much. She wants to be accepted for who she is. She told me she is confused and unsure. What is the next step? Keep pursuing her? Wait for her to figure out what she wants and pursue me? Does pursuing her show her that I want her for who she is? Do we have to have serious conversations every time we see each other?
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