How do I get my aging overweight father to stop eating himself to death?

[AloneinTexas]

My father is 68, he is 5'10" and 270 pounds. He just retired last year, as did my mother. There in a lot of debt due to poor financial choices but luckily, my father's pension covers monthly expenses and a bit more.

 

Since retiring, my sister had a baby and now it is my parents' (moreso Mom, since she wanted to) job to babysit M-F 8am-5pm. This was NOT what my Dad had in mind for retirement (I assume) but he is able to get away a few hours per week to work part-time for pocket change. They watch my nephew so both my sister and brother-in-law can save for a "bigger house", though they are not increasing their net worth, hence doing my parents a disservice (but that's beside the point.)

 

My Dad had a routine EKG and they need to do open heart surgery due to a partially closed aortic valve. The doctor said "come back in 3-4 months when you lose some of this weight and get in better health." He also gave my Dad 1-2 years to live if he does nothing, or 20 more years with the surgery.

 

Well my Dad was doing good for a week; lost 10 pounds. Now he's relapsing back to his old ways. He wants to put off surgery so he can golf all summer without being laid-up, but the way I see it is he's a ticking time bomb. He's naturally a pessimist, and I think he is throwing in the towel because he keeps saying he has a death wish, keeps getting drunk, doesn't exercise, and so on. My mom, me, and everyone has told him in different ways to do something, to which he agrees (probably to shut us up) but there is no action taken. It's nice out and he doesn't even go for walks. Its sad. Im bracing for his death. Part of me thinks he's depressed, but I'm at a loss.

 

Opinions?

[Eddie Edirol]

From what you make it sound like, food and golf is his only pleaseure right now.

 

He does sound depressed. Its hard to get a 68 year old to change their ways. Im not sure how you can un-depress him unless he gets some big money and keeps than baby out of their care.

[AloneinTexas]

My sister is willing to become a STAY AT HOME MOTHER because i showed her how to pare down expenses to effectively nullify her job. They tithe 1000 per month too, which I feel is a horrible choice. Better to give time than money.

 

Should I ask my DAD if he would feel better about himself not having the baby around 50 hours a week? He does interact with the baby but deep down inside I feel this is not what he envisioned retirement would be.

[FitChick]

Start researching the steps you will need to take when he dies. There is a lot of paperwork involved. You will need to know where he keeps all of his financial resources. Has he updated his will lately? Is your mother his executor? If he has no will, ask him if he'd prefer the State getting his money instead of his family. At least you will be better prepared for the inevitable. Maybe talking about these things will be a wakeup call for him.

[Eddie Edirol]

My sister is willing to become a STAY AT HOME MOTHER because i showed her how to pare down expenses to effectively nullify her job. They tithe 1000 per month too, which I feel is a horrible choice. Better to give time than money.

 

Should I ask my DAD if he would feel better about himself not having the baby around 50 hours a week? He does interact with the baby but deep down inside I feel this is not what he envisioned retirement would be.

 

Ask your mother. You wanna try to get real idea of the answer before he tells you, just in case he wants to please your sister. You make it sound like his answer will be yes, even though his answer really would be no if he was honest. It doesnt hurt to ask, I think you started making the effort to get your sister to stop dropping her baby off, which is better than asking him. It would probably do his health better if he isnt around the baby 50 hours. But you never know, the baby might not be antagonizing his depression. Doesnt hurt to ask.

[jamcherries]

Sounds like your closest family affinity is with your dad: perhaps you could meet up as a regular thing, go for walks in town, get a chance to see how he's feeling and so on?

[anne1707]

Sounds like your closest family affinity is with your dad: perhaps you could meet up as a regular thing, go for walks in town, get a chance to see how he's feeling and so on?

 

This would sound like the best idea to me. Rather than you, your sister and mother making all the decisions for him (with the best of intentions), find out what he wants and feels. The golfing all summer may just be an excuse - he may be using this to put off the idea of what he sees as life-threatening amd extremely painful surgery. He could be scared.

[gaius]

Get him a mistress. I have a relative who's obese and I tried EVERYTHING! Taking him out for walks, hinting what might happen, trying to get him hooked on a healthier diet. Nothing worked, even when he got some condition that might have caused him to lose a body part. He ended up reconnecting with an old girlfriend and he started losing some weight. Go figure.

[FitChick]

Get him a mistress.

 

 

Hey, it worked for Alec Baldwin.

[RiverRunning]

My dad's in a similar position, OP, only with a lot more weight. 5'9", 59 years old...360 pounds. Can't even walk a quarter of a mile at one time. Walked it in about 1 1/2 hours after stopping to sit 4 to 5 times. Scary, scary stuff. Dealing with heart failure, depression, high blood pressure, you name it.

 

Depending on his physical health, there are exercises he may not be able to do at this point (I know for my dad, walking is a stretch). You know those little foot pedals they sometimes sell in the stores? I know on some of those shows where they show 800-pound people, they'll show them using the pedals with their arms. I have those and my parents have started using them. Other than that, swimming and riding a bike are probably easiest for the joints.

 

Making exercise a group activity could help.

 

Start making collections of healthier recipes. It's unlikely he's going to change his diet overnight. Invest in a spice rack and give it to your parents as a gift. If he's going to eat and eat, at the very least he could minimize the damage by gorging on healthier food.

 

Sounds like he's depressed, though. I'd print off information about depression and try to talk to him about it. I don't know, though.

[LuckyLady13]

Since retiring, my sister had a baby and now it is my parents' (moreso Mom, since she wanted to) job to babysit M-F 8am-5pm. This was NOT what my Dad had in mind for retirement (I assume)

 

 

Usually, grandchildren bring happiness to their grandparents lives. I think you are assuming in the completely wrong direction about this.

 

If all he's really got is golf and his grandchild? Why take one of those things away from him. Babysitting might have been an unexpected GOOD TURN in his retirement and it's not forever.

 

Your dad really does sound depressed. The way he's living his life in some aspects sounds like he's also dabbling in risk-taking because he's feeling desperate. Sounds like he doesn't know the answer to get out of his depressed state. But I think if you're assuming grandchildren don't bring a smile to their grandparents faces, you're only going to be trying to pull your dad in the wrong direction which could make him feel more desperate because the little happiness in his life...someone is trying to take it away!

 

Work with the guy, not against him. He's showing confusion and desperation. I agree with buying a spice rack or similar things to help out with his diet is a great idea.

 

However, I have to ask: What's better? A summer of golf or a very long happy retirement playing golf summer after summer after summer?