”I messed up”

[Looknfoward]

Having an A is not a mistake. Its a series of lies, and choices to consciously hurt someone who loves you. My wife often says, ”I messed up”. What people who have affairs don't really get is that you didn't ” mess up”. You made decision after decision to do something hurtful. Maybe I think too much, I don't know. But I put myself in her shoes and wonder what the first time is like. You set up to meet, come up with an excuse for your husband, you shower/bathe, decide what to wear, dress up, you find someone to watch your child, you drop off the child, you drive to this guys house, you get out the car, knock on the door, walk in, talk, kiss, touch, then sex. Sooo many opportunities to back out. That's not messing up. Messing up is, I gave him my number, now that I thought about it, its not a good idea so I won't text or call him. But instead you had 3 hours conversations while I was outside playing with our daughter(no wonder you never wanted to join us). I've checked the phone records and she texted him twice before he even responded. She chased him. I put the pieces to the puzzle and things make sense and I still can believe I married this person. Lie after lie after lie. I forgave her once and when I took action, the phone tracker showed me the real her. She acts like he went after her. But those texts say otherwise. Those texts seem like you're a crazed teen begging for his attention(this is after my forgiveness and willingness to work it out). Now you have the nerve to say, ” I'm sorry, I messed up”. If anything I messed up when I married you.

[Breathless]

This may seem inappropriate for me to respond to your post - coming from the wayward side - but I just wanted to let you know that you are right. When a person crosses the point of no return - it was a conscious premeditated decision. I remember every second before I decided to cross that line. I remember what ran through my mind vividly! But I also remember shaking my head to clear those thoughts, closing my eyes and moving forward with the A. You described the day I first was with the xMM perfectly - all of those questions and decisions that went through my mind while I smiled and kissed my BH goodbye for the day. I was liar and cheat the entire time I was in the A - my BH forgave me for my wayward ways FOR NOW. But to look him in the eye today and say "I messed up" would be lying all over again because I know I didn't just "mess up" - I murdered my marriage, my friendship and the love of my H had for me knowingly. Messed up is something people say who cannot comprehend the damage and pain they have caused. Personally, I think it's a coping mechanism to not face reality.

[SandieBeach]

One of the first things that my H and I agreed on (a few days after I found out about the A) was not to ever call his A a mistake. In fact, he said he "made a mistake" a few times as he was relaying the juicy details, and after witnessing my reaction, he realized he was doing so at his own risk. Smart man.

 

A one-night stand is a mistake... if his OW was laying in the middle of the street and he fell on top of her because he wasn't watching where he was going -- that would be a mistake. Determinedly looking for an available woman to screw? That was 100% without a doubt a choice. Carrying on the affair, calling her, texting her and seeing her for months -- that was a conscious decision. A clear-headed decision.

 

I'm with you, Looknfoward...but I do have to say that when you married her, that was also a choice .

Edited April 26, 2012 by SandieBeach
Spelling

[Ninja'sHusband]

I need to make this distinction with my WW. Maybe it could have been true if it really had been a screw up in the back of a car one night....but it wasn't that. It was completely premeditated, hotels, lies, plans, repeated betrayal over 4 months. "Mistake" doesn't describe it in the least.

 

I should have never let her use the word "mistake" again after I found out the real scope of betrayal.

[ISurvived]

A mistake is forgetting to pay the water bill. Having an affair is a conscious decision to lie, lie, lie, lie and on and on and on.

 

I really wonder how a person can be so evil. It is nothing but pure evil. My FWW lied after being busted. Really?

 

It's been 5 years since her affair. Reconciled now. Just now getting to the point that we can talk about it without feeling that twinge of disgust. Don't get me wrong, it disgusts me, but now I can talk about it without feeling it.

[jwi71]

Having an A is not a mistake. Its a series of lies, and choices to consciously hurt someone who loves you. My wife often says, ”I messed up”. What people who have affairs don't really get is that you didn't ” mess up”. You made decision after decision to do something hurtful. Maybe I think too much, I don't know. But I put myself in her shoes and wonder what the first time is like. You set up to meet, come up with an excuse for your husband, you shower/bathe, decide what to wear, dress up, you find someone to watch your child, you drop off the child, you drive to this guys house, you get out the car, knock on the door, walk in, talk, kiss, touch, then sex. Sooo many opportunities to back out. That's not messing up. Messing up is, I gave him my number, now that I thought about it, its not a good idea so I won't text or call him. But instead you had 3 hours conversations while I was outside playing with our daughter(no wonder you never wanted to join us). I've checked the phone records and she texted him twice before he even responded. She chased him. I put the pieces to the puzzle and things make sense and I still can believe I married this person. Lie after lie after lie. I forgave her once and when I took action, the phone tracker showed me the real her. She acts like he went after her. But those texts say otherwise. Those texts seem like you're a crazed teen begging for his attention(this is after my forgiveness and willingness to work it out). Now you have the nerve to say, ” I'm sorry, I messed up”. If anything I messed up when I married you.

 

I don't agree.

 

She did in fact "mess up".

 

However...she DOESN'T mean it in the "Ooops, I forgot to buy milk at the store" sense.

 

She MEANS it in the "My actions and choices did not have the outcome I wanted". She means that her actions and choices have resulted in getting caught, causing pain and jeopardizing "everything". These things were NOT her intention and when those things occurred she now views it as a mistake.

 

It is nothing more than ex-post adjective to describe her A. The A itself wasn't wrong (the mistake) the fallout is the mistake. And just as an aside...that line of thinking is VERY common in WS.

 

See what Im saying?

 

This does NOT necessarily mean she will NEVER come around and view it as it is: a misguided series of choices with disastrous results. She can, if she so chooses (And if you accept), reconcile. She can learn. She can see that the mistake is the choice to cheat and NOT the fallout.

 

Just my .02

[Looknfoward]

I murdered my marriage, my friendship and the love of my H had for me knowingly. Messed up is something people say who cannot comprehend the damage and pain they have caused.

 

This is what i wish she would understand. Part of me knows that it wouldnt matter anyway. She now says we should fix this marriage but you should do that before an affair. Like I told her today, you can't fix an affair.

 

 

I'm with you, Looknfoward...but I do have to say that when you married her, that was also a choice .

 

You are very right. I made the decision to marry her. I guess for me marriage was a decision that I KNEW was the right one. I knew that we would be old together. I have never felt it was hard to stay faithful.

 

 

 

I really wonder how a person can be so evil. It is nothing but pure evil. My FWW lied after being busted. Really?

 

 

That's the word that comes to my mind aswell, evil, because you are knowingly doing something that you know will hurt the other person. I understand if our marriage was horrible, but it wasn't. Then the fact that we have a daughter. I later found out she has videos of her and OM's son with my daughter(Talk about pain). She has the nerve to tell me that we HAVE to work it out for our daughter, really? What I never will understand is why would you cheat. get caught. And once i decide to stop trying you want me back. So I come back again and then just when I think she might be honest, I find you still contacting OM.

 

Maybe it could have been true if it really had been a screw up in the back of a car one night....but it wasn't that. It was completely premeditated, hotels, lies, plans, repeated betrayal over 4 months. "Mistake" doesn't describe it in the least.

It sure doesnt describe it. I describe it as pure pain.

 

It is nothing more than ex-post adjective to describe her A. The A itself wasn't wrong (the mistake) the fallout is the mistake. And just as an aside...that line of thinking is VERY common in WS.

 

Maybe that is what she means. I once asked if i had not found out would she have stopped. She was honest and said probably not.

 

 

I dont understand cheaters. When she says she is sorry for her A, I don't quite see it as her overall affair, is what hurt me. When you have one mistake its easy to accept an apology. An affair is not one mistake, it's thousands and thousands of small betrayals that can be summed up as an affair. It's all those small betrayals that hurt. Every single one of them.

[Artie Lang]

If anything I messed up when I married you.

 

love it!

 

did you tell her this?

[SomedayDig]

I dont understand cheaters. When she says she is sorry for her A, I don't quite see it as her overall affair, is what hurt me. When you have one mistake its easy to accept an apology. An affair is not one mistake, it's thousands and thousands of small betrayals that can be summed up as an affair. It's all those small betrayals that hurt. Every single one of them.

 

You hit the nail on the head right there, brother. My WW initially said the same "mistake" line and now understands that is nothing but minimizing what she did. She has since changed her verbiage. Rightly so. Cuz I can't see 5 years of banging some other guy as a f'ng mistake.

 

What's your plan?

[YellowShark]

I dunno what people are smoking but when you decide to cheat and drive a bus over the people closest to you for outside validation and sex you didn't "mess up." You actively engaged in a series of betrayal, lies, and deceit. That's a pretty good indication that something is broken inside and you -(the WS)- need therapy to figure out why you would betray the people closest to you.

[Furious]

It was a mistake.

It just happened.

I don't know what I was thinking.

It was like a drug, an addiction,

I'm sorry.

I knew it was wrong but...

I never wanted to hurt you but....

I felt guilty but....

I've always loved you, you're the one I love....

 

 

All the above, from the cheaters handbook.

I just wish they'd come up with something more original.

[Spark1111]

It was a mistake.

It just happened.

I don't know what I was thinking.

It was like a drug, an addiction,

I'm sorry.

I knew it was wrong but...

I never wanted to hurt you but....

I felt guilty but....

I've always loved you, you're the one I love....

 

 

All the above, from the cheaters handbook.

I just wish they'd come up with something more original.

 

Love it!

 

How about: I thought I could control it, but it just got outta hand.

 

Control what? Her, me? The times, the texts, the trysts?

 

What and who were being controlled exactly?

[Looknfoward]

love it!

 

did you tell her this?

 

No, I should have though...

 

 

What's your plan?

I actually tried to forgive her, twice. The first time, she told me she slept with someone(she broke down to me before sex), she said it wouldnt happen again and that the guy lived out of town. I believed her and that she was sorry and I didn't ask for details just forgave. But for the next 5 months she acted horrible and claimed she was missing something in her life. She treated me like I was the bad guy. Its almost like she hated the fact that I still loved her and that I actually wanted to work it out. She moves out and gets a new place. Meanwhile she let's me spend the night almost every night and pay her car note. She tells me I can't move in but that she loves me and that one day I can move in. I see her only on her terms. I find out of the affair from her texts. She begs and cries and gets me back after a month and a half of NC. And almost a month and half later, I track her phone and find out she is in contact with OM. She also texts an ex and like 3 other guys and sends naked self shots. She has finally changed her number and now wants to give me access to everything. Part of me wants to give in, but I am currently looking into the divorce. I have already filled out some of the paperwork. She has already agreed to sign them. What's unfair is how easy, she will move on. I'm obsessed, and to her its nothing. I can't wait until I feel like her.

 

It was a mistake.

It just happened.

I don't know what I was thinking.

It was like a drug, an addiction,

I'm sorry.

I knew it was wrong but...

I never wanted to hurt you but....

I felt guilty but....

I've always loved you, you're the one I love....

 

 

All the above, from the cheaters handbook.

I just wish they'd come up with something more original.

 

God, I heard all of these. I know people say that people make mistakes, blah, blah, blah. Honestly I can't say that, in my opinion, you can truly love someone and have an A. When you love you respect. If anything an A is total lack of respect.

[SomedayDig]

Hey, man I'm gonna be the first to say I'm glad you don't feel like her and I hope you never do. That'd be a shame. I'm sorry for anyone of us who has to find this kind of bullsh_t out and deal with it. But it seems like you've got a plan and she's ready to just sign away. With that, brother, I say tell her good riddance. That doesn't mean you're gonna heal the day the paperwork is finalized, but it sure will be a good damn starting point. And yes...your last comment ~ an A is a TOTAL lack of respect.

[YellowShark]

For fun...

 

It was a mistake.

 

"All those times I was sneaking around with him/her while you were at home with the kids... ahhh.. it was just a mistake."

 

It just happened.

 

"It just happened... when our clothes "fell off."

 

I don't know what I was thinking.

 

"I don't know what I was thinking.. during all those secret dinners and BJ's in the car."

 

It was like a drug, an addiction,

 

"It was like a drug, an addiction... except I wasn't drugged, I was sober for most of it."

 

I'm sorry.

 

"I'm sorry I dropped an atomic bomb on us and the marriage and drove a bus over you and the kids... Can't you just let it go already?"

 

I knew it was wrong but...

 

"I knew it was wrong... but you _________________." (fill in the blank)

 

I never wanted to hurt you but....

 

"I never wanted to hurt you but technically I didn’t cheat.. because we never had intercourse."

 

I felt guilty but....

 

"I felt guilty... as I rode him cowboy and screamed out his name."

 

I've always loved you, you're the one I love....

 

"I've always loved you, you're the one I love... so let's try to forget that I was banging someone else."

 

[SomedayDig]

^^....LMAO!! Pure evil but funny as hell.

[Looknfoward]

Hey, man I'm gonna be the first to say I'm glad you don't feel like her and I hope you never do. That'd be a shame. I'm sorry for anyone of us who has to find this kind of bullsh_t out and deal with it. But it seems like you've got a plan and she's ready to just sign away. With that, brother, I say tell her good riddance. That doesn't mean you're gonna heal the day the paperwork is finalized, but it sure will be a good damn starting point. And yes...your last comment ~ an A is a TOTAL lack of respect.

 

I mean feel like her, like be over it... what's weird is her claim to love me now. All of 2011 was her pushing her limits on freedom until Aug. When she told me. The from August until Dec (when I found out it was a full blown affair, since April) she treated me like she hated me.

Sometimes I wish she would just go back to that idgf attitude. I'm filing, but even now, I don't truly want to, especially with her saying she loves me. She claims she will sign, only because I deserve the freedom (that I don't even want btw) I loved my little family and being married.

 

@yellowshark

Hahaha, sad but true

[SomedayDig]

I mean feel like her, like be over it... what's weird is her claim to love me now. All of 2011 was her pushing her limits on freedom until Aug. When she told me. The from August until Dec (when I found out it was a full blown affair, since April) she treated me like she hated me.

Sometimes I wish she would just go back to that idgf attitude. I'm filing, but even now, I don't truly want to, especially with her saying she loves me. She claims she will sign, only because I deserve the freedom (that I don't even want btw) I loved my little family and being married.

 

My heart hurts for you, man. Truly. Peace to you.

[Looknfoward]

My heart hurts for you, man. Truly. Peace to you.

 

I appreaciate this forum and the people on here. I talk to my friend and my brother, but they don't quite understand. So thank all of ya'll.

[96nole]

For fun...

 

 

 

"I never wanted to hurt you but technically I didn’t cheat.. because we never had intercourse."

 

 

 

 

 

HAAAAA!!!!!! My ex went to the beach and made out with her dirtbag. She later said that it wasn't breaking the "sanctity of marriage" because it wasn't intercourse.

 

Oh OK whore, I'm OK with some dirtbag shoving his tongue into your mouth and doing whatever else. But since he didn't shove his c*ck in you, then that's OK. Let's go get dinner. NOT!!!:mad::mad:

[Furious]

I appreaciate this forum and the people on here. I talk to my friend and my brother, but they don't quite understand. So thank all of ya'll.

 

Looknfoward you are a stand up man.

[mercy]

 

"It just happened... when our clothes "fell off."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh I just hate when this happens! But it happens to me so often, I'll just be minding my own business walking the mall and poof out of nowhere my clothes fall off.

 

Has a thread ever been started of the stupid things said? I'd love to read it.

[YellowShark]

Oh I just hate when this happens! But it happens to me so often, I'll just be minding my own business walking the mall and poof out of nowhere my clothes fall off.

 

Has a thread ever been started of the stupid things said? I'd love to read it.

 

No... but what a great idea... I shall start one.

[bigmomma1974]

As I read this stuff about spouses having Affairs what keeps popping in my mind is why does one think they need to have an affair.Why do they stray.I just don't grassp this at all. I love my husband nconditionally and I would never ever betray him or hurt him in this way. If I ever found myself attracted to another man, I would talk to my husband and explain to him that I felt this way but I didnt and would never act on it.

Can anyone that has ever cheated explain their actions. WHy would you want to hurt the ones you love and why would you step outside your marriage. It takes 2 to make it and 2 to break it but when it comes to an affair I just don't understand why the spouse can't talk to the other one and explain what they fill is missing instead they step out and cheat.

[Furious]

I appreaciate this forum and the people on here. I talk to my friend and my brother, but they don't quite understand. So thank all of ya'll.

 

 

 

You've not been around lately, just want to know if you're ok.