To hope or not to hope?

[daisy088]

I will try to make this as short and simple as possible.

My boyfriend and I had been living together/dating for the past 8 months and had had an ongoing flirtation/hook up relationship for several years on and off. He is everything I could ever want in a man and in a husband. He is so kind and sweet. Unfortunately he is about to graduate from medical school in a few weeks and I have 2 years left of law school in the city we live in. He plans to move a few hours away. We agreed up until the break up that we would try to stay together and I was very happy about this.

 

Recently, I got far too intoxicated at a friends birthday party and I ended up very ill at our apartment. While I was sick and sleeping he went through my phone and read everything in it. During the day, my friend had texted one of my boyfriends friends from my phone (she always believed that me and the friend were destined to be together, etc) and I was so intoxicated I might have done some of the typing myself. I hadnt had his number previous to this day and nothing I said was incriminating just flirtatious. He also read conversations between me and a boy-crazy girlfriend. We often joke about we stalked our old ex boyfriends, and about boys who have crushes on me now. In our conversation I talk about a few other guys and being flattered that they had given me attention/talk about my ex. These conversations were meaningless and literally just a way to relate and be silly with my single girlfriends. Some of the stuff was things like "Oh my god he (another guy who Id met a few times AND told my boyfriend about) messaged me! Im freaking out" or "lets get a mole in our exes lives and get top intel" or "I want to run into my ex looking absolutely stunning, just to get the last laugh"

 

Obviously this stuff was harsh to read and really hurtful to him but with texting you cant tell a humorous context. Honest to God, I have never cheated on my boyfriend. I have never even hung out with another guy! And when my ex calls me or tries to see me, I ignore him! Any behavior of mine that seems like im being unloyal is just because I am flirtatious. He is also extremely flirtatious and has relationships with many women including his exes. My actions have never gone beyond flirtation for a few minutes. We sleep together every single night and spend most of our time together- he would know if I had a thing with anyone else is my point.

 

I know this is wrong. I wish I hadn't said these things. My boyfriend told me he saw them and I explained to the best of my ability that I love him and am so sorry for anything he saw- that he genuinely has nothing to worry about and that I only care for him (thats the truth). We made up, had sex, and were fine. He came home later that day and mentioned breaking up when he graduates. I was very confused because we had agreed we'd try and make it work after he moved. He started crying and hugging me and holding me. I started crying and asked him if he just wanted to now and he repeatedly said no. Then I could tell something was off. I wiped my tears and asked "look are you bringing this up now because you think we should break up right now?"

 

He said Yes. I am completely devastated. I put a ton of time, effort, and care into the relationship and really allowed myself to be vulnerable. I tried to be loving and kind nearly everyday. When I went over to get my stuff a few days ago, he wrote me a long, kind letter about the history of our relationship, that he loves and cares for me, and that he cant do a long distance relationship. He says that he hopes I wont cut him out of my life completely forever and that he wishes me the best.

 

It has been several days since we ended and I feel terrible. Any time I initiated contact after this and asked why or wondered why he wasnt willing to fight for our relationship, etc. he answered with the graduation problem/he cant give me what i need when hes far away/he doesnt want a long distance relationship but thinks im an amazing person and wishes me well. A friend of his told me that my bf broke up because of the stuff he found on my phone though... I think this is so sudden and strange.

What do you guys think I should do? Abandon hope and deal with the fact that this is the end? Do you think he will come around. I know that his family and friends are encouraging him to make a clean break. Will that really keep him from being happy with me? Should I try to continue to talk to him even though hes fairly firm and very polite and kind that we should stop talking. He is saying things like "enjoy your last few years of school, I love you too. Thank you for this"

 

People have told me he is having a hard time but he hasn't even contacted me once and seems so peaceful with it all. I ran into him outside of a bar last week a day after we began NC and he looked shocked. I didnt know what to do so I pretended I did not see him because I didnt want him to see me cry. We have not spoken for a week now, not 1 word of contact. I am so hurt, self-hating, lonely, and devastated. What do I do? Whats going through his mind? Will he regret this impulsive decision? Thank you so much for reading

 

PS the relationship was very serious. We brought each other into our lives in major ways. He adored me and I adored him. I am insecure and sometimes like male attention but I have never sought out any kind of side relationship with anyone and I have no desire to. Feel sick to my stomach most of the time and NC is not helping.

Edited April 26, 2012 by daisy088

[wilsonx]

why was he going through your phone? I've done it before, only when I KNEW something wasnt right.

[daisy088]

I dont know. I know he has said things about feeling insecure dating me because other guys flirt with me etc. I do not hide it when another man asks me on a date/texts me etc. I will tell him so he knows Im not hiding anything and tell him how I will respond.

He also knows that I had given up contact and a friendship with an ex because it made him feel threatened. This was a big deal to me as my ex has been in my life since childhood.

 

Another thing which I think is odd is that anything he has told me since the breakup has been in completely different vernacular. It does not sound like anything he'd ever say and multiple people have told me he has been talking to his parents nonstop. This leads me to believe that his friends/parents have been telling him what to say.

 

I guess I just dont understand how one can go from being head over heels in love (which he was for me, and I for him) to falling off the face of earth? He had alluded earlier that day even that I am the woman he wants to be with "forever and ever." He also wouldn't stop saying he loves me and crying. We didnt even say goodbye, and I haven't even talked to him in person since our 5 minute interaction when I got my stuff. Very confused and uneasy.

Edited April 27, 2012 by daisy088