limbonada Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Well, I haven't been on here since almost a year ago, so I'll try to synopsis my whole story and what's going on. Husband and I married 7 years ago in Nov. Were together 2 years before that. I had a 1 yr. old son from a horrible, abusive relationship when I met Husband. He adopted my son and we ended up having 2 more beautiful girls. When our youngest was born 4 years ago, he had a one night stand that was born of us growing apart and him trying to convince this girl that we should have a threesome with us to solve issues he saw us having. He came clean and honest about it right after it happened, but I lost my mind and became a bitch and obsessively checked everything (even when he was transparent and gave me passwords and everything), accused him constantly of any and everything, and just really was determined to make him pay for hurting me. Now let me also say that from day one, I never was the wife or even girlfriend I should have been. I was very selfish, self-centered, my way or the highway, and I know now that I kept my feelings and heart behind a barrier and wall afraid he would hurt me. It took 6 months for me to decide if I really wanted to be with him in the beginning and I put him through hell and turned him down a lot. So, in turn he was damaged from the get go. I didn't know or realize/see I was being the way I was and he treated me like a queen and gave me everything I wanted and didn't say when I stepped on his toes (For instance/examples: I didn't let him have a say in where we lived, our kids names, and I even once made him go out of town with me to a work convention while he had the stomach flu just because I was that insecure!) because he didn't want to upset me. As you can imagine, that led to a ton of resentment and anger on his end. In Oct. of 2009, he met a new friend at work who was female and had a psych degree. He began talking to her about our issues instead of me and an emotional affair grew out of it. He became very distant with me and in June 2010 finally told me they had kissed twice and that he did have feelings for her, but he was committed to us and she understood and he'd stay with me. This whole thing only fed my bitterness and craziness and I was so depressed by that point that I basically just kinda checked out. He told me one night Feb. 2011 that he needed to leave for a while and stay with family. And yes part of it was the whole ILYBDTIILWYA speech. He finally said how angry and resentful he was and pointed out everything to me. He also said how angry and cold and guilty he felt about everything he had done and that he just has never forgiven himself and can't forgive someone else ever who's hurt him. So he stayed gone for a month and a half, but then slowly started staying on the couch at our house again. I asked him to go to counseling, he said no, I asked him to start dating me again, he said no. We had our ups and downs. I went to counseling myself and did a 180 on things I had been doing wrong and I broke down all my walls and let go of obsession and pain and truly forgave him. We had a talk in Nov. and he swept me up off the couch and kissed me like I've never been kissed before and that lead to sex. He was still pretty distant and kinda cold even in the sex, but it was nice. We both felt weird afterwards. Then 2 days later I saw he had clothes packed in his car and he still had shoes and his watch on when I came home from work. I tried to get him to talk and he said nothing, finally took the shoes and stuff off and stayed, but the next morning I confronted him. I was cool and calm about it and said if you're feeling you need to leave again, then let's be done and decide on divorce. We both cried and he said he felt things when we had sex, but not what he thought he'd feel and it just didn't feel right or like it was done for the right reasons. He was going to just leave again, get perspective cuz he was afraid I'd flip out. We agreed he'd stay through Christmas for the kids, though we would tell them what's up and then we'd do the divorce papers in Jan. So, here it is almost May and while we did at first work on the paperwork and came to our agreements on child support and visitation, we still have not filed. At first when I'd bring it up about we need to get that done, he'd say something about money or being lazy, but more recently it's been he looks hurt when I bring it up or changes the subject though a couple times he's still said he wants it. I bought my first house (we always rented) and he moved in with a friend, though it took a week for him to really leave, he kept coming back and then once I moved, he started staying on my couch again on the nights that are his custody times and sometimes other nights too. We play games, talk, hang out, watch movies, you name it when he's over. In January one night he hugged me really tight and wouldn't let go and said sorry, I just needed a hug and I said it's ok I love hugs especially from you, he then pulled away and said what else do you like and kissed me and we once again had sex though this time he said I want to go slow and be romantic and take our time and we did and it was making love, not just sex. He didn't want to leave after but I made him and then it happened again a week later, his move not mine, and was just as sweet and good but after he was like I don't want to confuse you and I was like I'm not confused and he said well I think I am! So, anyway fast forward to this past weekend, oh and btw he comes over extra times, says he wants to see the kids, but spends time with me or even comes to stay over after working late and they're in bed! He always hugs me before bed and if it's his off weekend and I won't see him for a few days. So this past weekend he texts me out of the blue 3-4 times just seeing what I was doing. He NEVER does that anymore. Thought it was a lil weird. Then on Sunday I'm picking up a shirt of his out of the floor that fell out of the dirty clothes and it has a name written on it (when you take it for dry cleaning) and it's the girl he had the emotional affair with. But here's my progress, I didn't flip out or even get that sinking feeling. I knew they had talked in email here and there even though they don't work together anymore and I suspected even in Jan. that he was maybe seeing her or someone. I really don't think anything happened while we were separated, supposed to be working on things, he says it didn't. So I talk to him about it and he says yes, they see and talk to each other very rarely, taking things slow because she just recently got out of the long term relationship she was in when their whole thing happened and that it's not sexual, more still like friends but could be considered dating. I said ok, I just want you to be truthful with me, even if as your ex we're no longer together, we're still best friends. I also said I didn't want to get in the way of what he may have with her or cause problems, i don't think they should be together because of many things he told me about her (like she doesn't want or like kids) and the fact that how well can a relationship form from an affair. Part of that is bitter me talking but I also care about him. I said I really just want him to be happy. He said he doesn't know what he wants or what would make him happy still. He feels lost. He said he keeps these 2 worlds separate and that he loves our relationship now and that we'll always be intertwined because of the kids and everything and that he wants to keep what we have and maybe it becomes more, maybe less as time goes on. He said he feels uncomfortable sometimes here because we're not together and also sometimes because he wants me still and sometimes because of his feelings for her. I said I feel the same way, that I will not advance on him physically or anything but I still want him so bad. I told him I believe that God has been telling me through dreams and signs here and there that we are not over and done yet. It may be 2 years from now or 20 or in the afterlife but we're soulmates and I know he thinks that too and I just don't see all this being it. I told him I still love him, I don't want to marry again, I don't want to be in a long term serious relationship again ever and dating is waaaaayyyyy down the road if ever and it will be casual. I still want him. I know me and I stick to my beliefs and convictions, he agreed with that. He said he thinks I have finally broken down my barriers and gotten things together so I hear God and that he doesn't think I'm in denial and it's great to see your path, know what you want and take it. I said yeah but it's not easy cuz right now you don't want the same thing and you may never. He said well, I'm not in the same place right now but who knows. (Oh and side note, I know me saying I hear God and have these dreams sound crazy, but he also had that happen about me from the time he was 8 until we met. He told me things about me on our 1st date that he couldn't have known. And for instance, I had a dream about him wearing a certain shirt and a conversation we had, then it happened the next day.) And he didn't refute anything else like he had before when we've talked about her or us in the last few months. He asked if i was angry and I said no. I was done being angry a long time ago. Sure, it stings a bit, but I have my faith and resolve and have made peace. he joked was I going to kill him in his sleep, I'm like hunny I would've done that a long time ago if I was going to! Then he asked if he could still stay over and I said it doesn't change anything. I said if he needs to ever stop staying here to let me know and that's fine. (In fact I kinda welcome the time when he does either move in with her or get his own place or at least stop staying here. It sounds conceited but I already see how he misses me here and there and I think that would make up his mind for real.) I make his lunch in the morning and coffee, do his laundry and special things for him here and there and I never did any of that in our marriage and I do it now no matter what because I love to and enjoy it. I told him that I enjoy having him here and spending time with him always. He said him too, he loves hanging out, and of course getting to be with the kids. He's still been out of the blue texting and stayed extra this week and seems much more at ease, playful, flirty, sweeter. I'm not getting my hopes up and I honestly feel free from our talk. Finally hearing him say he doesn't know. I have my beliefs and I know a lot of people on here will say I'm in denial of us being together again or being ok with him 'dating' and we haven't divorced yet or me letting him stay here and doing things for him. (which by the way he still does things for me and supports me, does extra kid duty any time I need and buys me things too.) I just know he needs to find his way and himself again however that turns out to be. Get out of the fog as I've heard it called on here. He was 21 when I met him and 23 when we got married. I'm 2 years older and he needs this time. I'll wait. Even if like I said, it doesn't happen till we're long gone. I'll wait. Sure I get sad and lonely sometimes, but I am a lot happier in my life now and the knowledge I have. I know he also thinks I'll slip back into old habits and he's a lil upset that I didn't change till after it was too late and all, but such is life.
january2011 Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 You sound really lost and he sounds like he's cake-eating. If you're not talking to a therapist yet, I strongly suggest that you do so. You need a clearer perspective on this. He's the one being unfaithful, not you. Right now, you're in limbo. He's walking all over you and you're letting him do this. It's all about his wants and needs. And in the meantime, he's barely meeting yours.
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