Fiancee dumped me after a drunken jealous push. How do I get her to move back in?

[CurlyIam]

Oh, Royal, I was so hoping that she'll change her mind! I was very sad after reading your post... It is so silly, because, also she will never admit it, she is partially responsable for your situation. I say let her choose. If this is real love, Royal, if she does indeed appreciate you as much as you appreciate her, she'll come back...

 

Remember that some people are never able to get passed their own bad experiences in the past. It doesn't make them bad people, only weaker. If she never shared that with you, you could not have known...

 

Again, I sorry for the pain...

[royal]

I was hoping she'd change her mind to CurlyIam. I've given her the opportunity to choose and she has chosen unforgiveness and mistrust sadly. I am trying to still reason with her, although it looks very bleak right now. And yes, because of her past I forgive her for taking her time and cooling things down between us as much as she has.

 

I also found out that since we work together, she is going to be taking a leave of absence for next week at least. Chances are she will be transferred somewhere else or quit altogether when she finds something else.

 

It still hurts, but I am feeling a little better than last week. I can eat and sleep now at least.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by royal

Matilda:

I'm curious, what went through your mind after the first push your partner gave you? Did you assume it was a one time thing? How did you come to forgiveness? Was it just for the sake of your child that you came back?

 

It was very scary to have him push me, I never thought he would do anything like that to me. I had seen him do some physical things with other people, he has a very bad temper, but for some reason I thought he wouldn't ever hurt me. I guess I did assume it was a one time thing, but really I just was in a sort of denial I think, about his anger problems, and about my own inability to deal with those problems, meaning his temper always scared me. This push happened before we got married. I don't think I ever really did forgive him for it, I just didn't really face it I guess. I was very caught up in wedding arrangements, and it all just seemed to be part of that pre-wedding stress.

 

It was shortly after we were married that he got mad at me and threw me to the floor. I will say that we were having a very bad argument, and I threw a plate (it was a paper plate) of food at him, and that's when he threw me to the ground, onto a hard kitchen floor, hard enough that I "saw stars". It was very scary. When that happened I felt like he didn't love me or care about me at all. I was in a quandary about what to do since we had only been married about 2 weeks. I was still trying to figure things out a few weeks later, when I found out I was pregnant. I decided I owed it to my child to try and work things out. But, I made a pact with myself that if it happened again, that would be it. Well, about a year and a half later, it happened again, this time in front of my child (she was almost a year old at that time), and because he was mad that I didn't do his laundry. And that was it for me.

 

He went on to marry two more times, and in both marriages he was physically abusive to his wives. He also drank a lot, and still does I think.

 

I went on to marry again, and am very happy, we've been married about 10 years. My current husband is a kind, gentle person, and we both have a lot of respect and consideration for each other. I would never throw a plate of food at my husband, or anything like that, and it's kind of shocking to me that I did that then.

 

I am sorry your girlfriend is not willing to at least go to counseling with you. I can't help wondering if there is something more in her past, or in your relationship that is making her react so strongly to the situation. I do agree that she should be concerned about your behavior, but since you are going to counseling it would seem like she would be at least willing to go to some counseling sessions. It just seems like there is more this story. I'm not saying you aren't telling us the whole story, I'm saying she may not be telling you the whole story.

 

Take care.

[royal]

Matilda:

 

Thank you for sharing this. I was trying to get a sense what my fiancee is going through right now. She is very angry with me still. I'm convinced her reaction must be tied to her past. The fact that we didn't have a family yet ( I have joint custody of my 5 year old sone from a previous relationship), we were planning on starting one after we got married. I can't believe we were so close to having both our dreams come true and they were snatched away from us like this. It's so tragic, it pains me to think about it.

 

I certainly won't let this happen again and hope to eventually get married to her, if not someone else in the future. Alcohol is the devil, I've lived it.

 

I'm glad things worked out for you in the end and you found a man who could take care of you properly. I thought I was that man for my girlfriend, but one night of stupidity has ruined everything.

 

I can assure you, there is nothing in our relationship that is making her react this strongly. We were best friends, had everything in common and loved eachother deeply. It is certainly tied to her past abusive relationship.

 

I'll give it a week, then maybe I could send her the link to this thread and maybe she will tell her side of the story. Now that would be interesting...

[royal]

She wrote me tonight saying that she saw her counsellor again. She explained to me that her reaction to the 'push' is because of her past experiences (many of you predicted this, thanks). She explained that she is exploring her past in her sessions and what she should change in herself (ie. exhibitionism).

 

The bad new was that she said: "I can never see us together again. My counsellor warned me saying that if you've done it once, you'll do it again. I just can't take that chance. What if next time no one was there to catch me? I'm so sorry."

 

So she knows I'm in counselling, she knows I love her, she knows the circumstances around the 'push' and that I've never done this before. How can I possibly get her beyond this belief of once I've done it I will do it again?

 

Or, If I am now an abuser, can I not be reformed? What's the point of counselling then? I'm sure there are many abusers that do commit abuse repeatedly after receiving counselling. Is there even such a thing as a one-time abuser? Based on her counsellor's advice, I am doomed to walk the planet from this day forth as a 'wife beater' apparently...

 

Help me out with this one please.

[msrealdoll]

Royal, I don't think you're going to be a compulsive abuser. The fact that you are concerned about it, seeking help and asking questions is an indication that you probably won't do anything close to this again.

 

The only thing I worry about with you or any other person in your situation is alcohol. Drinking may cause you to once again lose control of yourself. You mentioned that you had quit drinking. I think this is a very wise step.

 

I think you'll be fine.

[CurlyIam]

Gobain started a different thread on the same subject.

 

I don't think people are abusers. They become abusers, by repeating violent acts toward the people around them. It is a way of handling frustration, anger, stress, pressure by hitting, biting, pushing, shouting at another person! You do not have a bad temper, do not have viollent traits of character, not a past hiding abuse!

 

Cool down! Unfortunately, living in the US is a bliss except for moments like this. I think it is a phobia at the level of society. Honestely. How else could you explain the difference of oppinion? I am a girl too, I too hate violence, I can't even stand to be shout at.

 

Have faith, continue with counseling and don't blame yourself more than you need to. You are not a criminal , I trust you enough to go out with you , but I doubt you'd like me, I'm a flirt!

 

So don't dispeare! It's not like a disease that's gonna eat you. Unfortunately, people can be very cruel. And we always hurt most the one we love. Use this regreatable incident to get to know yourself better, to be able to control your outbursts more! It could have been much worse, Royal: she could have been your wife, she could have carried your child... I know it sounds lousy, but thank Lord this happened now (would have been better tonever happen, I give you that).

 

Talk to your parents, to your friends and take time for yourself. I think it is very important to forgive yourself before dating again. Take your time and try ro accept what you did, without culpabilising...

 

Thinking of you,

 

Curly

[Paradise]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

I don't think people are abusers. They become abusers, by repeating violent acts toward the people around them. It is a way of handling frustration, anger, stress, pressure by hitting, biting, pushing, shouting at another person! You do not have a bad temper, do not have viollent traits of character, not a past hiding abuse!

Curly

I have to agree a little bit on how people behave differently around different people. Most of the people who are abusers or who became abusers stay that way unless they do something about it. Some are fortunate to leave the person who they are angry with and be around happier people.

[royal]

Just when you think it was completely over between us. I have some encouraging news to report on my sad (yet now hopeful)situation...

 

I heard from her last night after writing her an email earlier in the day saying that I didn't blame her for what happened. She was really happy that I opened up to her and took responsibility for what happened.

 

She is going to quit drinking too after advice from her counsellor. That makes two of us. It made her feel very sad that our relationship ended because what we had was so special and that I am a good person. She feels a great sense of loss because we had planned for such a great future together. She may even stay at our work afterall.

 

She even apologized to me for what she did, that she realizes it was stupid:

 

"I am very sorry for doing what I did

and realize how stupid it is to act that way. The counsellor asked me if by

not laying charges on you, if that's an act of forgiveness and I guess in a

way it is."

 

That fact that I am taking what transpired so seriously and getting help made her really glad too.

 

She ended it with a hopeful:

 

"We just have a lot of stuff to deal with and need to sort out,

simple as that."

 

Yeah!

 

[Thinkalot]

Oh! I so hope you two can work through your problems together, and also workon yourselves as individuals. You truly seem committed to bettering yourself at any rate, and that is great! Good luck to you!

[msrealdoll]

Dang. This is a quite excellent development! Quitting drinking together is something that will (if she allows it) bring you both closer together. You will learn new things about yourselves. Your whole life could change for the better.

 

I hate to see you get disappointed, but I think this is a really good sign. I know I'm hopeful for you. Keep up the good work!

[amanda25]

Originally posted by royal

 

 

I got stupid jealous and yelled at her and pushed her accusing her of cheating on me.

.

I've even started seeing a counsellor who specializes in anger management and couples issues to show her I am serious about getting my self in order to ensure this never happens again.

 

We've spoken once since this night and she's emailed me and said she can never forgive me. I've been a wreck since she left .

 

WHat do I say to get her to come home and forgive me? Or is it a lost cause? Should I try the silent treatment or just keep pleading with her to forgive me?

 

This is a sad situation, but you shouldn't have shoved her to begin with...No matter how mad you got...And obviously you know that now, or you wouldnt be trying to correct the problem...You know, some of the reason she says she could never forgive you, could be because a shove is a shove...And we usually believe that "if he just shoved you this time, how do you know next time he won't hit you", or something along the lines of that??

 

I too think she should forgive you...You are trying by the whole counseling thing,etc..Have you told her you are in counseling? You are trying and that is really all you can do...I wish ya luck and hope ya get her back!

[royal]

Just an update on my rollercoaster situation...

 

 

Well, she had forgiven me. She told me she still loves me and misses me dearly. We spoke on the phone 3 days ago and she got all emotional hearing my voice again. We've been communicating mostly by email since the 'push'.

 

Then she found out that she wouldn't be getting a transfer from our work as she requested. She wanted to get back together with me even...But her father has stepped in and said that if she does, he will never speak to her again and he won't go to our wedding. Her friends have also put pressure on her to say that they would 'disown' her if she came back. These three factors (work, father, friends) have her feeling that everything is working against us. She told me that "What we had was special and powerful but I think it's time to move on. I don't just have the energy to fight anymore."

 

How can I possibly overcome her father and friends ultimatum? And if I don't, how will we work together?

[Thinkalot]

This is a very sad development. It is so hard for a person to be caught in the middle between the one they love and family.

 

Personally, I think they should step back a bit, and let her decide. But they are trying to protect her.

 

I also think she should be able to stand on her own two feet and make her own decisions, and yet, I know from personal experience, how extremely hard it can be to be torn in the middle, between family and your lover.

 

I don't know Royal.

 

If she does not have the energy/love for you/desire to stand on her own and stand with you...then there is not much you can do.

 

Her family and friends obviously believe they are doing what's best for her. But it's sad, because it should really be between the two of you....and whether she feels she can trust you and so on.

[royal]

Yes, it is very sad. I am still having trouble accepting things as being over because she hasn't left her parent's place yet. I told her I won't move on until she is out of her father's sphere of influence and be able to make her own decisions without his interference. I asked her to ask her dad if having him come to one of my counselling sessions would help things. And, I would like to opportunity to speak with each of her friends and address all their concerns. Other than this there's nothing else I can do is there?

 

It will be very interesting when we see eachother at work tomorrow morning. It will be the first time we've set our eyes upon eachother in three weeks since the incident. With our feelings for eachother still being so strong and special, and the fact that we're interacting so much on a daily basis, I can't help but think it will only be a matter of time before we're back together regardless of what her friends and family think.

[Thinkalot]

Just be open, and don't push anything. It is admirable of you to wish to speak with her friends, and her father.

 

People are often pretty rigid with their views though, so expect that.

 

Good luck when you meet. I can imagine how nervous you will be.

 

Let us know how it goes.

 

I think her Dad refusing to go to your wedding etc, is being done because he loves her... but it is unfair and controlling just the same. It's HER choice in the end.

[royal]

Well we finally set eyes upon eachother today at work, three weeks since the 'push'. I saw her walking down the hall and we both smiled at eachother and waved. That was nice. A good start, I thought. I kept things pretty cool all morning with her, giving her space and not going near her desk. I sent her an email just before I left for lunch with a work buddy and told her it was nice to see her finally and I complemented her on her new hair-colour (blonde).

 

We exchanged a few emails back and forth during the day and she said that she knows that if we ever get back together, we can still buy a house if we want . This was one of the big dreams we were close to having before the 'push'.

 

At the end of the day, we wished each other a good night and that was it.

 

I think it turned out ok overall. My plan is to just keep things cool between us..Say hi, how are you etc.. Time is on my side and by her being around me all day, I think this will slowly stir up the feelings between us again. Then, as she is getting more comfortable with me towards the end of the week, ask her out for lunch to talk face to face.

[CurlyIam]

You're lucky to be working with her. It's a great idea to make her comfortable with you.I think that by seeing you each day, she'll realise how much she misses you.This is why I think you should not ask her to have lunch with you at the end of this week.

 

Why? Two points:

 

1. you won't be putting any pressure on her, I know she'll appreciate this

2. I think she expects you to do this during the week. You'll be surprinsing her. You'll be making her wonder. You'll be forcing her face the possibility of you two never going back together. She thinks of it from the pov of the decider. Let her be unsure. Ask her next week!

 

I think in order to make it work, both of you must want this. So be reassuring, be near her, and make her long for you. It isn't a game. It's making her face her feelings.

 

Curly

 

P.s.I think her talking of a house is a great thumb up, regardless of her friends and of her father.

[royal]

Thanks Curly for the advice. I like the idea about waiting an extra week to ask her for lunch. It's going to take a lot of patience and wisdom on my part to know when to ask her though. The longer I wait the better I guess. My work buddy thinks that we'll be talking by next week if I just play it cool and comfort her. I'm so glad we work together and have an opportunity to patch things up. It would be truly over if we didn't, I think.

 

It certainly has me motivated to get up in the morning, knowing it could be the day we get back together. Your point about not applying any pressure is wise too. She's getting pressured enough right now by her family and friends and I don't want to be another burden added onto that for her. I want to be the fresh air and relief.

 

Can you explain what you meant by be reassuring? I'm not quite sure I understand. Do you mean be supportive to her? What do I reassure her about? I feel that I was 'near' her today, in that I'm trying to create some space, allow her to settle, but let her know I'm there at the same time. The emails also kept me in her thoughts I think too.

 

Yeah, I felt good that she understood that we weren't buying a house now because it was the right thing to do at this time specifically. The future is still undetermined and this gives me hope.

[CurlyIam]

Let me see how to explain "reassuring": to not ignore her, to give her enough attention so that she remember how it was before. But no specific thing, no lunch, no hint... so that she wonders, but isn't unsure.

 

Reasuring as in there, there as a good friend, close. Not as close as a lover or a bf, though...

 

The purpose is to see (hopfully to make her realize) that she wants you to make that extra step... closer...

 

I hope it does make sense.

[royal]

We finally sat down and talked today! I ran into her on the way to grab a coffee this morning. I asked her if she had a few minutes to talk and she said yes, so we sat down and talked in the coffee shop. Almost 4 weeks after the push and we finally are able to discuss what happened! I didn't know where to begin...There was so much I wanted to say to her... I started by explaining to her everything that I've learned in my counselling about why I did what I did. She explained to me that she was just putting on a show for me and that she had asked the guy and girl if it was ok if she danced with them because she wanted to put a show on for her boyfriend.

 

We talked alot about our relationship, how it was so intense and that we were so emotionally dependant on one another. How this contributed to my insecurity etc.. She looked really hurt still by the whole experience too and I could sense the breach between us very clearly. I could see it in her eyes. We were so candid and honest with eachother as we talked, which felt really good. At one point, we even talked about our sex life, how we both missed it and that it was so good. The best, as she put it.

 

We exchanged some more pleasant words and compliments too. I apologized again and we after all was said that we wanted to say, we agreed to take our time and see what happens between us. No rush, we said. I promised her I wouldn't pressure her because I knew she was feeing alot of pressure from her friends and family as well.

 

 

Later on, I dropped by her desk and chatted for a while and as the day went on we had a few flirtatious emails back and forth. She was really glad we talked and feels better about things now she said.

 

 

Today was a good day. I can sense things starting to blossom again between us. Things are going to get better, day by day.

[royal]

OK, I'm going for it next week. She's comfortable with me now and has agreed to have lunch next week....

 

 

Here's my plan:

 

I bought her a diamond pendant and a gift certificate for a day at the spa for her birthday today. The pendant has "Past, Present, Future" inscribed on the back with 3 diamonds. Very appropriate, I thought....Her birthday's on July 20th...I'm going to surprise her with these on lunch on Wednesday or perhaps a dinner date on Thursday....It will be a very emotional moment, I know.

 

I've also written a nice love letter and am getting a calligraphy writer to write it on some nice paper. I think she'll really appreciate this.

 

Do you guys think this will work? What sort of reaction do you think I'll get..

 

I'll let you know what happens after this. Fingers crossed.

[CurlyIam]

Royal,

 

Don't hate me for saying this, but you are on the point of making one big mistake. She is talking to you, that's great! Are you guys back together? Did she agree to move in with you? What happened to "no pressure" rule?

 

The diamond is one big mistake. You're getting ready to have your heart broken! Wait!

[royal]

Hi Curly,

 

I don't hate you don't worry. The thought had crossed my mind that it could be too much too soon. But it's so hard to play the waiting game for her when temptation is right there in front of me each work day. How will I know when the time is right? Should I just wait for her to ask me out instead? She did say to me that she'd be willing to have lunch together, misses me, wants to take one day at a time etc...

 

She is talking to me and emailing me nice notes everyday but we aren't back together yet. She won't be moving back here anytime soon as far as I can tell. She's apartment hunting this weekend and buying her own car so she doesn't need to rely on her family or me for her commute.

 

If I give her the diamond pendant, I thought it would show her how much I love her and want to make things right. It's really symbolic of our relationship, our current situation and her birthday I think ('Past,Present, Future' with 3 diamonds)...If she doesn't accept it then I can still bring it back. I just have a feeling that she's still feeling for me right now and this would be the thing that makes her realize her feelings for me too and bring her back to me. The love letter is also very touching and the day at the spa I'm positioning as 'giving her a day back from her lost vacation'. Remember we broke up over our holidays...

 

 

My heart is already broken and I want to try something to get her back. I'm a bit of a passionate romantic as you can see. I'm going to wait until Wednesday to evaluate the wisdom of doing this though since you're thinking I'm making a mistake.. Maybe just the spa certificate would be better for now and I save the diamond pendant for when when we get back together?

 

Thanks for your insight Curly. I don't want to blow it with her. But again, it's hard to not put pressure on her when I see her everyday and my waking hours are spent thinking about her.

 

How long should I wait? I don't want to get hurt anymore either but I really want her back. Help me do the right thing here!

[CurlyIam]

IT's really hard what you're asking me to do. I don't know how long you should wait. I think you should let the emotions built up a bit.

 

What can I say...postpone it until you feel it's right. But think, you have barely seen eachother at work over one week. I think you can simply be yourself, keep the contact and invite her to dinner next weekend to celebrate her not being mad at you (possibly the new beginning of a friendship?). See how she takes it. See if she likes it, if she wants to, how she responds... take it from there! You can always keep the diamond with you in your pocket during dinner.

 

 

But most importantly, royal, READ THE SIGNS ! I wish you all the luck in the world.